The world is ending and/but she's got Important Ball Business. A tiny determined creature having decided what belongs to her.

Empress - card of the day

She sang that song as a demand, not as a matyr.

The voice is practically tearing itself apart.

I love so much it is ripping me open.

I am in so much pain, I want to eat the paint off baseboards 😭

The Wish: yesterday, I saw it. one of my kids (they've all swooped in now, my murder of crows) put on facebook or somewhere "my mother is looking for ways to stay alive" and out of that I got free starters for a Victory Garden from an octogenarian, Sharin, in Hamburg. she with bright blue hair streaks, me holding a bag of strawberry and forget-me-not plants that she dug up from a grave marker. literally, I watched her do it, her son's death 18 years prior. moving moving she never stopped moving never stopped stringing words together around plant slip rerootings and death and rhyzomes and death and her hands in that dirt, smiling at flowers talking of terribly hard things, duh that's what the dirt is for! her husband/partner was toodling around mending her beautiful little fences and fussing with his toys. she is so fucking happy to be able bodied and able to THINK as she tells me a zillion things about everything. the man built her a sunroom for a hot tub facing that garden last year so she never has to stop moving even if they couldn't go to FL anymore. there were big apple trees they'd planted years ago ("but it goes by quick!") providing dappled shade. it's a beautiful garden, but the most beautiful thing in it is how they care for each other. he thinks about everything she touches to make it doable / safer. they touch umpteen people for the better, like they did me. THAT is what I want, no doubts at all. I want THAT very keenly. I have always wanted and wished for THAT, a million little good things + no violence brewing always beneath the fucking surface of it.

teaching was as close as I got to that.

and this is what I have now, my feathers ruffled ripped beyond surviving. 

meanwhile, tomatoes after all, from war seeds.

victory (war) garden?
I don't know how they made those

upshot: food

tomatoes
(now I have to care for them)