second morning
It's a new thing I do where I get up really early. And then I do a bunch of virgo shit like make lists and load dishwasher and write to a nun (how do you do this?) and then climb back into bed under dogs and go back to sleep and then wake up around noon and call it today again. Two days for the price of one, the 2nd day is free, so it's to waste (?)
I want to take a drive out to the cabin, but I can't do anything there, my finger will break open and bleed all over the fucking place like it did just taking a shower. I can't make the damn bed.
maybe just take the ride anyway? silence ft country music?
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| I haven't sat here alone since |
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| she can't do that anymore, ever again, so I can't sell this place |
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| I forgot about her Nick Cage pillow (facesitting HA HA) |
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| always let it play whatever - the universe sent me nothin but Marcus the whole way |
I am glad I came. It's Tuesday, dump opens @430 and Ears doesn't know MILK GOES BAD DUDE wtf. Gonna hit the dump, then home for meatloaf (my herb garden here is great). I invited Sunshine because she doesn't want to go home, she's on the road back from a travel contract. She probably won't come, but I'll be there anyway. I'm used to that, nbd.
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| Not that I don't like it because I do, I just never play Mumford&Sons |
I've listened to this so much that I regularly sing the chorus karaoke style. I don't blame anyone for looking me up and down across this room. It's a small room.
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| typical exchange lately - her: "wanna go?" / me: fuck no (and I am very barely repressing many detailed and explicit elaborations of thats not it no just thinking about it grrr) |
Gimme a break. I'm already writing to nuns. How much more sacred otherworldly whatever the fuck could I possibly want or need? I just don't. I am flesh and blood (for now). I've lit all the candles I'm gonna light until they're for ambiance or the power goes out.
Do you know how much time I've spent in the last year trying to think up a story to make someone who's hurting laugh for just a minute? And I don't mind doing that, I'm pretty good at it. But it is not reciprocal. With any of anybody at all. Not even my mom no more.
Being there today, I wondered things like if I had known him, would I have called him Bobby? I just wish I could make it understood: it'll happen so fast, you'll think "be nice to hear her voice" but it'll be too late.
