As he lay on the bed it came to him with utter clarity: I am lonely enough to die...

The pain he felt was almost physical, he was that sad...

A page had been turned. It was that quiet and that simple, but —having almost died, [he] no longer wanted to...

....he understood: I did not want to die, I just did not want to live.

“Because, Dad—” Tears filled his son’s eyes.... “Because, Dad? You can’t do that. You can never ever do that. Because you’re like my explorer. Remember when they sent those men to the Moon, they sent up robots years ahead to explore so they knew they’d be safe when they got there? That’s what you’re like for me, Dad. You’re my explorer, so if you ever did that it would mean that I could do it too, and so you can’t.”

The Things We Never Say, Elizabeth Strout

wow glad to be only in chapter 2 and we've gotten all that out of the way already = what gives anyone the right to just bow out?; no. if anyone loves you, you're tethered to this earth, like it or not, is how it feels to me every time I wanna die, which of course I do, who doesn't or hasn't, a guzzilion times? 

seriously. 

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? dunno! personally, I am stuck at nope, no dying today (mostly), my heels just dug in over and over 🫩 

hoping what happens next is quietly catafuckingstrophic ❤️‍🔥

drove to buy this set off craiglist 5 miles from here, driving in circles for an hour each way so she could listen to music. and watch me move a table. for real, she is made happy watching me be able bodied and the happier she gets the better she gets. she is just noooooot built to be miserable, she's a human fucking bubble machine, a fish outa water in Sadness Country.
I never ever stop moving until she's down for the night.

then I look in the mirror for the first time today and think welp at least my hair is in recovery

....gazed into this poor boy’s anguished face. “I will never do that,” he said. And Rob sat back, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Good. Okay. Good.”