I cant help but record this (try) tho often I am just speechless
but if I want to know what happened when I went speechless those couple years, what is this? now.
I heard Andrews voice outside my house ealier, dropping TJ off after brunch (we literally hid Ears), I let his sound drone on a minute 🤏 to say hello to my mother, then I stood up and thought GO! and I walked toward the front of the house in my Hex Therapist tshirt (no fucking bra) and boxers. I could hear him say 'ok it was nice seeing you' retreating quickly, could feel him back the fuck up before I even got to the front door. get! 👏
M was in the car waiting, not wanting to get out in my blue collar hood, for real 👀, unreal
TJ needs picked up in Boston next month, 1 half day of aftercare for her small follow-up surgery. but Andy who lives right there cant do it because IT'S HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY
that's IT
THE FUCKING LINE FOREVER 💣
sorry for the timing gemini friends but FY-FUCKING-I if you are an adult under 80 then it is never your birthday BECAUSE your age is ADULT
every. fucking. day.
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but this feeling isn't just anger
anger doesn't shut me up / explain scrapbooking like a mute facebook mutant. I will drive the 6 hours to care for TJ BECAUSE I AM A MOTHERFUCKING ADULT righteously pissed but that's not it
(breathe)
(breathe)
and there's more stuff that happened today but it's all variation of this theme: I am helpless regarding the most important thing, which is not the care chore itself, it's the wound that it is when your trusted adults betray you in this particular way.
I felt this feeling in Nebraska. I didn't how to say anything about it, the words.
I am the adult. I can do the adult STUFF. but I can't assuage the suffering. my own either. and so I feel complicit.
and disgusted.
I feel enormous stupifyingly visceral disgust
at what I am looking at in every direction within my blast radius. I don't know how to write through that.
I just feel so terribly horribly SAD 😭 in the face of it. and my fury fuel engine is a spitter. I feel sick 😭🤮 and people don't, but they should, note it when theyre pissing out their ass or like me right now, my whole stomach hurts to the touch
a boring blog post: my stomach hurts 🤢😢
but what if I had blogged just that? the truth: I feel sick. e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.
?
