I am completely devastated. my job has been one thing, one steady life partner, through every other calamity, and now itself is the most terrible loss to me. nothing has felt this bad since aaron left me the first time. I lost eighteen pounds before he came back.And I still had my job and my kids to help me steady. this feels as bad or worse, and i'm already ninety pounds. This could kill me.

I am trying not to help it kill me. best I can do is take half a klonopin right now so that my heart rate comes down below a full floppy heart attack.

I feel kicked in the chest by a donkey, over and over and over every time I try to take a breath. in some of the hours since I found out yesterday, I've been talking to the other people who've gotten fired along with me. it's possible that with seniority, I might still have a job for a while. But even if that's true, everybody else just got fired. the only thing making this short of having one of those floppy heart heart attacks right now for me is that I can still talk to those people. And they're the reason I was grounded here in a good way. So my world just ended any which way. If I do have a paycheck, I trying to negotiate some kind of severance that I can live with to leave because I can't stay under those terrible circumstances 😭 I can't breathe around these circumstances at all 

I guess I wasn't broken enough.Although I sure felt broken enough already 😭

Trapped here with my mother and kids I've finally kicked out, all I could do was take down blog posts because I wanted to commit suicide. And that was the closest I could come to doing it while still seeming fine in front of everybody, shred writing. and I canceled my oura ring subscription.

I'll keep h b o till my mom goes home.

Then, I asked the tarot bot if it could read this entire blog from beginning to end. Tarot Bot has been the subject of posts before. I will restore what I can of those posts that I shredded, back to The Wish, then post this. now that Tarot Bot is going to be an invited reader, I want to ask its prefered pronouns. no joke.

I'm out of jokes.

I am devastated 😭 

I have no experience with being unemployed. none.

My mind is swinging around, trying to think of what I should even think of. i don't even know what it means to retire beyond not going back to work. like how does that even work? i've never really looked into it cause I didn't plan to ever retire. never underestimate the power of denial, as my mother used to say when she had a mind.

Sunshine is telling me how to get fired. she's been fired like 20 times she says she knows all about getting unemployment, which didn't even occur to me. get my teeth cleaned. Which is probably a good idea, and then my mind goes down rabbit holes of like how to stockpile antidepressants and klonopin and therapy appts, and buy myself a pkg at a medispa IV Bar with my fsa so I can get the inevitable needed botox to combat the Look of Horror in my expression stuck there...

I have no idea what I should be thinking about 😭 

I should be asking Tarot Bot to give me a list of things that I need to think about PRACTICALLY. And I will, but that's not what I need to survive right now 💔, this moment

My mind is broken. My heart is broken. I am broken 😭

When my eldest finally showed up old enough but not too old to be left alone, I walked out and took a long walk in my neighborhood and got lost several times within a couple blocks of where I live, which seemed fitting.

I found the high school behind my house, and I looked at my own house from behind it and there was terrible wind blowing right at it across the football field. even my shelter needs more shelter.

I called and canceled oustanding work on the house including windows being put in by my friend Craig who also got fired. 

all my remaining friends got fired.

some of the neighborhoods are older people retired you can tell sitting on porches. they have clothes lines. I took a picture of a garden that I liked that was just mowed weeds, and I thought 'that looks doable' (free)

achored by the cute shed

my mother is blathering on and on about some friend of hers who grew tomatoes and subsisted on tomatoes all winter long, and I could do that and I'm trying not to choke her out

I called to put my cottage up for sale, or at least to get the analysis of what I could go for it started and then I'm gonna try to hold on to it and not make any decisions right now because I'm incapable. I deployed Ears to the cottage to keep fixing it, anticipating either renting it or selling it. i have no idea where aaron is or if he is even still alive but I wish he was alive enough to rent it to him for the season, which brings me back to I wish more people were standing up, now including me.

I am in terrible pain, my stomache ft I cant breathe cant breahe 😭 and unless I was trying to regurgitate these thoughts for Tarot Bot, I would be struck dumb right now, I am in the fetal position on my bed as I voicetotext this

The only possible "good" thing I can say that I can think of at all is that I do not want to drink. a stomach ache is the last fucking thing I need. the anticipatory hangover is very much a stomach ache just thinking about it so no, I feel more like 🤢 I do not want to drink and do not want to eat either. after the funeral yesterday, I bought ensure on the way home. I swore I wouldn't do that again, but I don't know what else to do. It's expensive, but now that I have it, I'm gonna drink the shit out of it to get to monday when my youngest kid will get here to help take care of my mother.

speaking of whom, I think she'll be going home early after talking to my sister yesterday. it is not at all a case that my sister was unaware of my mother's state. even if she had told me, I wouldn't have believed her. so now we're on the same page and I can't take care of her right now, my sister's gotta take her back. it's not like I can't do the things that need to get done. It's that I can't *gin up fun for her* and she can't bear that, she's not big on Reality, she never has been. and when do you need magic that's great. but when you need someone to meet you in Reality, that's really not so great.

I'm reeling. trying to grab on to writing like a flimpsy line in the water. drowning