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| she has The Stare |
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Just as a gemstone becomes brilliant through grinding and abrasion, human character develops through challenge. It's the moments that resist you, force you to adapt or bring you face to face with your edges... those are the moments that make you shine. 👀🗡
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| and she's got The Side-Eye |
add my back 👁 and we "cover the waterfront" on ways to look Very Pointedly Wary around here
and then Andrew and Marta came to town. in the 20 years since I left him, and traded Toxic Presence for Palpalble Absence, I have tried to think about that son of a bitch not at all. I trust M is killing him by inches but I don't think about any of that much.
until now.
he hurt Ears. I don't know how exactly but I could tell right away. badly. then cz TJ is here, I was like wtf happened?? and all she did was cry. croak out a few don't want to talk about its.
I chose Palpable Absence because Andrew was, and apparently remains, an emotionally dangerous person. he is a very serious fucking asshole. I would not will not suffer a Fool Fucking Asshole near me, but Andy remains in their life forever, of course.
I refused to raise children with him or have him in my house where the children primarily lived. But he is their father, he loved them, their time was all theirs. nothing I could do to stop it and wouldn't have tried - they have to deal with the father they have (I did)
but I raised them with 'Huck' in one form or another (alone). a choice I would make again.
I love looking at people that I care for. I was sitting with 3 and looking at 3 others and I was happy. So yes, certainly I have no defense especially in TJ’s case, whom I practically stole into existence because I’d grown to distrust X by that time so I figured “might was well get what I can out of this”, the way you’d steal copper pipes out of a condemned building. And I’m not even sorry besides. I don’t feel remotely downtrodden by the burden of so many offspring–they have been my opportunities for what I’d call “erogape”. I would have never gotten to the point of being able to care for adults if I hadn’t have gone through children to that ability. I could have never figured out how to even TRY to do a decent job of it (agape)
2007
pretty fucking constant. even though shadow figure has a life/name lately, after a pica-inducing diet. and still, the Wish relies much more on friends than lovers, as the loss of my friends demonstrates very painfully.
I didn't know that Andy was still that bad of an asshole, and at my kids. I had believed them immune from being treated like shit by him. and they'd have to put up with it.
I am dead in this water. my Anger wakes up in flailing fits.
I can barely take it in. all the Fucking Shitty 💔 - present Shitty makes last month's Shitty look like child's play
I am bleeding all over 💔 inside
everyone I love is in pain 💔 nothing I can do about any of it 💔
it's nobody's fault. but. if I were certain I was dying, I would take some shitty people with me. I fantasized so acutely about a fire in a building yesterday, one I know so well that I know every exit and how air in the stairwells moves through it, that if it burns down ever it was the #haboob effect (calling it).
= when I fantasize about freedom rn, it looks/feels like Dying again.
all thought roads lead there someway.
unless TJ stops me, gonna crash the literary event Andrew is in town for. they will alllllll be there.
I look exactly like I feel, a grievously
injured
murder
hornet
quite striking (ha ha) but I am helpless to do anything but ruin a bunch of people's day maybe.
other agenda items include meeting with one of the benefits guys to see how soon I can possibly get out of this job, expecting to cry 😭 then be even madder when the Anger surges, at the mercy of it all.
nobody can help me not even me
the card of the day is Empress again again (!). do it! rip my fucking heart out already. I should not be looking at that card, which means I love you in most all the ways I personally mean, and think "kill me" but I do
I think I will go (cry) back to sleep / decide it's not today yet
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| it's today again |
