weighing down - julian taylor my instinct is to say "for you", but I am not Her, so I guess it's for me. seems fitting either other way.

reading student reflections ft can't say I didn't warn you

marcus and chris are keeping me waiting. the release has been moved back 7 days, like Creation, showing up when it shows up. 

I looked for Black marys at home - there is one - not surprised at all where She is, but I might need a minute.

This event-filled day features a solar eclipse, a new moon, Lunar New Year, Fat Tuesday and the start of Ramadan. If you needed another shot at starting fresh, this precipice of the new era is all yours. Celebrate and meditate. Wave goodbye with one hand and hello with the other. The Fire Horse rides.

well shit. 

seems worth a candle

my shadow - why do I fall in love with what I cannot have? a: because she loves me, I can feel it - she's killin me 😵‍💫🤧😵‍💫

 

me: czy mówisz po angielsku?

her: Not often.

me: you're Black 🤭

her: Yes.

me: sorry, I mean you're Black on the sign too, I just wasn't expecting 🤭🤭 sorry, I am actually pretty sad about a lot of stuff

her: We know.

me: I haven't seen Mary where I live yet, I should go see if Cheektovegas Mary is fucking Black

her: See for yourself, that is your way.

me: ... ... ... ...😭 ... ... ...😪 ... ... 

her: We will meet you there. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The long story and the short story are essentially the same, except one is harder to follow as it meanders, repeats and requires a nearly saintly level of patience. 

There was more. But that covers it.

And I am an angel, not a saint. 

found her, as I knew I would. and she is POLISH (heard no English among those folks)

"February 15, 2026

Virgo. You’re smackdab in the middle of Cupid’s crosshairs as the Capricorn moon glows in your amorous, joyful fifth house. The ice cream parlor of life has an abundance of flavors, but you keep coming back to your favorite scoops time and again because it's so nice to have predictable, dependable sweetness. Taste is self-knowledge."

snort. ya, not-it is not-it, I am fully aware. but Stewarts' heart is married to hating Shitty-Vanilla. and I am committed to putting myself 2nd altogether until this is over. so it's not even a thing rn. (reboot)

the kid was up all night with pain - I am not sure why the pain would be going up, guessing nerve feeling coming back (?). a sneeze nearly killed her. 

I am to find cbd relief today, praying there is a dispensary in Little Poland cz it's freezing. I am mos def not going home as I was praying to be able to do. the couch, the cats - emotionally I am rock steady but the homelessness couch surfing part is kicking my ass. 

I knocked her out with klonopin finally. 

I am very tired, but this is testing my post-breaking body and mind, finding sturdy. I am not even smoking weed. I decided to take a thc break while I was here. I went California sober forever ago, and that worked well. but twas a time that weed = horny/hungry. it no longer has that association, for obvious reasons. so, I wanted to kinda clean the slate, decouple smoking a joint from end of day wind-downs, get it out of my system entirely. (reset) I ain't gonna go to Baskin Robbins, but something's gotta give, of that I am also fully aware. 

before I left, at home with Ears smoking a joint, listening to my cowboy-longing music, I was like, when I get back, for a little while, it's gotta be all about me. ya know? mannny times he's been my only witness and only help, through umpteen needs and emergencies of his siblings, punctuated by funerals and firings, until god only fucking knows what is left of my capacity to need anything.

nobody is gonna die, or like Patti and my dad, they ARE gonna die no matter wtf I do. so. enough is enough is enough. 

ears: 😂 totally

me: you can turn me down, you're good, but the rest of everybody

him: 😂😂 I can't say anything not-mean

us: 😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂

me: so, like, I will want holes dug in the garden - OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER 

him: go for it!

me: they're either gonna include "and what might you need?" in conversations, or they're just gonna have to fuck off a while

him: FAIR

me: grandma still gets to boss you around tho

him: also fair, and I will dig whatever holes you need in the garden

me: dude, if another whole season goes by like this, I am starting an insta for you: "THE ONLY GUY WHO ACTUALLY SHOWS UP" 

us: 😂😂😂😂

him: that'd be mean AND funny cz I'd have to show you how insta works 

us: 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️

me: ya, that irony would be my first post 🤣😵‍💫 fuckin' a 

Verlaine, we really have to stop meeting this way

she rolls over for bellyrubs like Dball except those back legs wrap around my arm, claws out, "don't stop" - I get that! 🤣 - I have just accepted gluecrusty eyes and hives in my armpits through our brief affair

I look homeless ft my eyes are swelling shut

Be who you are.

Love who you love. 

Be as brave as you need to be to do that.

If you fuck up, say you're sorry.

Know better so you can do better. 

#grit #translated

I am very sorry that I took my dad's valentines for granted.

this feeling - alabama shakes

Today goes deep with the soft, expansive connections, naturally encompassing all forms of love: romantic, platonic, self-love, family and even love for the world or creative projects. This dreamy day is ideal for heartfelt gestures, poetry and soulful conversation. Out: performative displays. In: Being fully there with every sincere cell of you.

A poem:  "Look at me, look at me, look at me now. It is fun to have fun, but you have to know how." — Dr. Seuss (I might need a minute, but am aspirational)

5th day sleeping in and under my clothes on this grodyass couch

We aren't counting days. Years is a better way to count on timelines of magnitude. And today feels like a good day to put a stake in years, astrologically the first day of my after-breaking. 

I looked at last year on this day. By comparison, honestly, sleeping under my coat and taking pussy/pit showers and having tenuous faith 🕯 that everybody is going to make it to spring alive is FINE. I can hack this for that. np 

There is a spring day coming, the sun will be warm on the mud smell, Ears ❤️ will open the cottage for the year, I'll plant a new garden with a big pot of chives, dogs and kids will run around getting filthy, I will pick a hanging basket of flowers. I'll see Huck in the flesh eventually and hug him and just feel his solidity still on this earth ❤️. I will see my mother and she will see her wallpaper and say "OH MY" the way she does ❤️. I am sure there are many hard things ahead, but still. To plant a stake in Aliving, I booked Tawista this morning.

scrapbooking tbd, gonna walk around Little Poland, maybe even find a Mary 🙏 

     “That’s what’s hardest to deal with in a way, the way the physical difficulties lead to emotional difficulties, and there just seems to be no way out of it.”

     Would he want people to ignore the illness, and talk about other things? Or would he want them to talk about the illness? Or would it not make any difference what they said?

     The way he imagines it, more than anything else he would perhaps feel very lonely—he would feel that he was facing this thing on his own, and that whatever anyone else said, or didn’t say, the fact would remain that they weren’t facing it, and he was.

~Flesh

me: this will have to end, ya know? 

 

her: everything ends

Im'a stop breathing if I keep this up, but it's hard to argue with devotion and good looks and philosophical acumen and claws lol 🤧🤧

good thing I brought the emergency inhaler, fuckin a

Saturn moving into Aries is a big astrological moment, and Friday the 13th adds a subtle flavor of intensity and reckoning. Things may feel a little ominous, but it's really about facing what's real and cutting illusions before moving forward. On the pre-roll for Valentine's Day, take heart. Face fear with courage, especially if it involves love or commitment.

I completely forgot. Today is the day it's supposed to be over. The giant ass whooping written in the stars for me. Had something to do with Saturn 🤷🏻‍♀️. Astrologist told me a lot about it that I no longer remember bc I no longer care bc it whooped my ass until my brains were scrambled eggs 😵‍💫. 

My heart stops breaking, that's all I remember. Today. Then, now, it's all about bringing down "the hurty", what my daughter calls her face atm.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are exactly where you belong, doing what you're supposed to be doing. Go with it. No analysis necessary. Once you assume this is true, what else might be true? That you can trust the instincts that brought you here?

Love brought me here. 

Across the board.

Verlaine ❤️

drinking my coffee from whimsy