VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Countless similar moments blur together, but when something brings up a feeling in you, a memory is born, too. Someone who is emotionally available can turn ordinary moments into a vivid experience. Their access to feeling invites your own.

yea. I need assistance in the feeling stuff department. 

I need a patient lover. Straight talk. Someone who can give me a minute. I was averse to any/all adult touch that wasn't strictly necessary for the entire last chunk of my life, all of the last relationship I was in. That's a crazyshitty thing to do to yourself.

I know I'm in here. I mean, spooning, when it felt needed, I could need it right back. But I am broken in this way. I make a lot of dickbutter because I am trying to imagine any touch that is just for the sake of touching, and I often cannot or I cry trying. I can remember. But I can't easily imagine. It takes concentration to imagine holding a hand, and I had to use memory to do it. 

As urgently as I wanted to STOP DYING, starving being how my body was deciding to check me out of the whole clusterfuck, now I am tentatively but palpably hungry. And it's been so long that I am afraid I will recoil, like how after famine people can't digest anything. No, I know I will be some kinda like that. And I need somebody who wants to touch me enough to let me get there. And it'll have to be someone to whom I can tell that, or it'll be too easy to hide in transactional sex of short duration, which would only make me sicker in this particular, and I can't afford that either. And on top of all that, I am both standoffish and proud. I might feel like I turned myself into the touch-equivalent of a rescue animal, but that is something I can fully hide.

Even Huck. Now that he does not need to be held shaking or his brow smoothed, my tendrils have retracted. He does not want me to touch him, and responding accordingly I do not want to, retreating to the way back of my crate. I love him, that's a hell of a thing, and that will not budge #family. But I am glad I am putting 8 hours between us for a while physically. He won't have to push me away from there / I don't want to put me on him anymore. 

I am grateful to Huck for putting me in a better headspace to care for TJ. I am leaving tomorrow and will stick that caregiving out til she gets to the other side, happy with her choices being as strong a feeling as the pain is. That will be good. My daughter and I both looking for that line in different ways together. And oatmilk 🙄

After that, I should be taking the full measure of my own damages before the breaks knit unset. 

playing with my hair, just to get used to it being touched

I got a full chakra set, medicinal tea and strain combos. I am putting them away until I can and want to explain why I got 2 of that one.

lose control - teddy swims I just like looking at him #solid 

the 'oyster' 

meantime, fuck my life up again - marcus king big sobriety advocate, killer guitar player, and he nails the seductions of addiction, how it is challenging to communicate with an addict in not-their-languages. 

"catbird mexican stand-off"
cat: you're bothering me.
bird: how could I avoid that and still exist?
cat: 😶
bird: 🫥

"I drank in an effort to quiet down the demons from years of trauma and abandonment that I hadn’t learned how to cope with yet... alcohol helped to summon a muse and overcome my social anxiety." ~ Marcus King

🫶

The End of an Era (2011–2026): Neptune in Pisces was a time of immense spiritual growth, disillusionment, and surrendering, particularly affecting mutable signs (Pisces, Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius).

The Shift to Action (2026–2039), 

Significant Dates: While a preview occurred between March and October 2025, the final, permanent move is January 26, 2026."

"When Neptune leaves Pisces on January 26, 2026, the "cosmic fog" that has lingered since 2011 finally lifts. This shift from watery Pisces to fiery Aries moves everyone from a phase of dreaming and surrender to a 13-year cycle of bold action and personal sovereignty."

Impact by Zodiac Sign

• Aries: The individual enters a "main character" era. As Neptune enters Aries, identity undergoes a profound spiritual reset. A strong push to turn private dreams into a visible, physical reality will be felt.
• Taurus: The focus shifts inward to the subconscious. The individual enters a cycle of deep healing and spiritual retreat, where intuition becomes the strongest tool for navigating the world.
• Gemini: Social circles and future aspirations are transforming. The individual is encouraged to dream of new ways to exist in the world and use visionary ideas to inspire others.
• Cancer: It’s time to step out of the shadows. Neptune illuminates career and public image, inviting the individual to build a legacy that aligns with the highest spiritual values.
• Leo: Worldview is expanding. A drive to explore new philosophies, higher education, or long-distance travel is felt while seeking a deeper meaning for life.
• Virgo: Relationships become a spiritual classroom. The confusion faced with partners since 2011 clears, allowing the individual to build deeper, more authentic intimacy and shared resources.
• Libra: Empowerment comes through partnership. The individual is learning to balance their own needs with those of others without losing themselves or over-idealizing the people in their life.
• Scorpio: Daily life and health get a spiritual upgrade. The individual is motivated to find the "sacred in the mundane," turning routine work and self-care into acts of personal empowerment.
• Sagittarius: Creative joy takes center stage. The individual is entering a phase of intense self-expression where they act as a vessel for creation, following passions wherever they lead.
• Capricorn: Focus returns to home and foundations. The individual will feel called to create a legacy and a living space that truly reflects inner needs and family aspirations.
• Aquarius: The mind is the new playground. Expect a surge in intellectual curiosity and a drive to improve how to communicate and share "bright ideas" with the community.
• Pisces: The 14-year identity overhaul ends. The individual gains massive clarity as the fog lifts, shifting focus to self-worth and financial security—essentially learning how to "cash in" on dreams. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Shift from "Is this right?" to "What's actually happening?"

What's actually happening? 

"wannabe bayou" is the paper's name, mom and Ears picked it

I am gonna read some more about astrology, "A relationship that causes you to continually override your own instincts and feelings is not sustainable. Work that offers you relief only when you sleep or dissociate is abusive. Stop asking, 'How can I do this with less strain?' and start asking, 'Why am I doing this at all?' Now is an editor with scissors: no crossing it out, just cuts."

Virgo - Today, your ruler, communicator Mercury, sails into your partnership zone until April 14, prompting you to connect with other individuals. Whether you need to get something out in the open and hash it out together or you’ve just been out of touch with a few people who matter to you, start the conversation. 

😶 I'm practicing my listening skills. 

💔 I cannot stop seeing that kid in the lewiston top's check out - pneumonia should not be killing any of our kids 

"good intentions" 

 

"underneath" (secret mural)

hot n cold - katy perry Bug's song-gift for me today

"watcha thinking?"

Theory: we unwittingly co-created a monster, a voraceous Void of some kind; it was lurking til life got hard; then it scoffed at the "for worse" that lovers vowed; it scoffed at our mettle alone; it tries to eat my liver still; it has turned the thing we loved the most, Everyday Life, into a trial, lonely stasis interrupted by continual crises navigated with shattered minds, punched down hearts, sick spirits, and breaking bodies.

One might say, "that's just growing up". But I was a grown up, I was born old, Methuselah (is your type). So No. 

That Thing waits for me around every corner. I want it to come closer now so I can stick my head in its mouth and detonate. Like Titus flying into bits, the dirty bomb version of 'going to pieces' #grit

"It was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice." ~ Heart of Darkness No.

by and by - caamp 

 "To write about a struggle amid the struggling. I know you don't like me to ask what's brought you here." ~Yiyun Li

self talk

man, I wish he was here so bad rn

this is the kinda shit that I never figured out so I just gave up - the 'closure' work - my instinct is not to go toward people in pain, at all, like I'ma dial 911 - unless it's family, especially a kid, and for my mother it was my dad. so this urgent wish to be nearer to him atm is, like, I dunno. see? I dunno what that is. even when all other threads between us are clipped, that remains, cz here it is. decoupled, obviously, from any other intimacy, still it's there. AND to be blunt, I did not have that towards other men I've fucked at all (hahahaha omg not even 🤏) cept maybe the Greek but oof he hated that so I repressed it from the get. Nothing like this. So, I mean, it isn't that I like to rescue dudes w broken wings or whatever like some women do. It's not because I am so inclined, generally. It isn't contingent on fucking, exactly. I just very badly wish he were here right now, crabby or drunk or day 4 talking like a sausage if necessary, asleep would be great, just safely where I could see him would be good. Be good for me, it's entirely selfish, I get that too. 

I dunno what I'm gonna do, nothing prolly, options seemingly none but wait, I am just idling high 🏁 alert (and smoking his housewarming blunt), staring into the fire, thinking at him, not these words, other ones, wondering if he hears them. then I wonder if he hears my mother. then wonder if so, does he talk back? then I shut up a while.

I gave myself a sunburn with the nicole face thing #dork

I am going to Montana for a week in July. With my mother, sister, neice - we've all watched Yellowstone a buzzillion times, the RIP fucking scenes a buttbuzzillion times 🤣. I dunno what possessed my sister. Intuition at least in part. She didn't know the only candle I found yesterday was for "cowboy getting" cz I need something warm and real and smells good, like leather. Like alive. 

https://homes-and-villas.marriott.com/en/properties/40456228-big-sky-cowboy-heaven-luxury-suite-6c

maybe there is an ideal porpotion of boot time : everything else = tolerable
what do u think?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Refinement involves repetition. It's a thousand small moves to polish the surface. It's the 50th read, the dozens of meetings, the comb-through, the edits after the final edit. Refinement is what sets you and your work apart.

ok but 50? I mean...

The statistical distribution of serious recovery attempts was highly skewed with a mean of 5.35 (SD = 13.41) and median of 2 (interquartile range [IQR] = 1 to 4). Black race, prior use of treatment and mutual‐help groups, and history of psychiatric comorbidity were associated with higher number of attempts, and more attempts were associated independently with greater current distress.

SO, either 5.35 or 2, not 50. 

It takes 5+ if you're Black. the average may be substantially lower than anticipated because cultural expectations are often based on AOD problems being “chronically relapsing” disorders implicating seemingly endless tries  English: if you're treated like someone who will relapse cz you're culturally coded as "like that", you're more likely to, and if you're Black that's how that goes. 

HOWEVER, the provider in this case is himself essentially, who has called the patient (also himself) a piece of shit umpteen times, with court documents asserting same to boot, so which 'model' of disease has his 'culture' internalized? The chronically relapsing model, presumably (?)

See why I don't trust this? On a weekend = high risk of "current distress" always. Globs or kids, it'll be distress. I gotta hope his mom is feeding him nothing but positive messaging - uhhh - my mom yea, his mom? She might be pretty drained herself by now w the dad foot and no iberostars, to be fair. 

This has nothing to do with "faith" in him. The cards are simply stacked against his being "ok" today. Impaled is statistically more likely. 

babe, thats only for pretend!!

in my mind - ken presse throwing some crows at it