cover me up - colton nordvic jason isbell cover, I love this song 

not voyager, artemis 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If it doesn't have a solution, it's not a problem. How long should you mull a thing around in your mind before you decide it's unsolvable? Twenty minutes. If nothing comes to mind, reintroduce that thing next week.

guess I'll take the week off

#thoughtlent

the worry about him sits like a hot stone right on my ribcage. I am feeling it now because I am too weak not to because I spent all my weaponized fine on sunshine today and I have none left. 

Weaponized fine. sounds like a potential chapter title, doesn't it? it's when you have to be always fucking fine to the point that you are nuclear fucking fine. I'm so fine, it'd make your head spin.  since approximately that obit search which we'll repeat tomorrow night when Ears comes over for dinner inevitably.

welp. if the goal was to discourage me from wanting to fuck him ever, that has been accomplished. which only proves it didn't really have much to do with that in the first place since that doesn't do anything to remove this stone of worry. 

I am flummoxed by man's inability to see women as whole things. there's always a just before the word girl. I would bet my life that he would not let joe worry because he has not fucked Joe and that is just a fucking cunt hair off from a woman in that dude's case 🤨 and yet. 

I should text that dude and see if he's worried. if he ain't worried then definitely there's nothing to worry about, he's just treating me like a girl. but I can't do that. can't or won't. won't.

sunshine says I'm a sucker. "if they's blocking you, they just on a bender, that's all" 

I don't think the word just belongs before the word drinking any more than it belongs before the word girl in his case. 

he has stressed to me over and over that he is hanging by a thread over Dead - that isn't me being hysterical, that's him telling me that and demanding that I believe him

I feel forced to have the thought experiment that I've outlived him. 

I am trying to figure out how in the world this hot heavy stone on my chest could be a good thing because I'm stuck with it and I don't want to feel anything I don't want to feel which is like this. maybe I could learn to think of it like a cat, no claws unless I try to move it so I leave it alone (?)

I dunno what to do or think or feel about anything except dying is bad let's try to avoid it - that's it - and even that now I gotta be like "or not, cool either way"

I hate to admit defeat but 

I'm scared. leaving me nbd he always does that 🙄. leaving me alive = leaving me for dead. that's different

"....every displaced person understands that uncertainty is not tangential to human existence but the very essence of it. Since one can never be sure what tomorrow will bring, one cannot trust Dame Fortuna—the goddess of destiny and luck—even when she seems to favor you for once. One needs to always be prepared for a crisis, calamity or sudden exodus. Being an outsider is all about survival, and no one moves foward by holding back." There Are Rivers in The Sky

if I was a cowboy - miranda lambert  

off to forage the Falls for Sunshine - her address is not one I'm hesitant to show up at like it or not, I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

If I was a cowboy, I'd be the queen

Woah-oo-woo, woah-oo-woo

Sittin' pretty on the prairie, baby
I'm your Huckleberry...

found her - 45 min to Singer Farms and 45 min back, wawawa the whollllle time (ok, barf it up and outa there some more, I gocthu) (sigh) (how does anyone come back to the living and hold at least? there has to be a way, we've still got thriving to do yet 🤦🏻‍♀️ even someone whose name is SUNNY ACTUALLY can see no light, it's like I'm living with everybody's ghost and finally, I'm like, fine we're already dead. I accept 🙄 whatever. but. if so, then there's nothing to lose and I'm back to stomping around. it's dis-heart-ening. we've all cried so
o god damn much)  and I got a Grav Gandolfini

Jim Beam stopped production for a year (The Great Sobering Up, called it)

Grit, a novel

ch 11 "Velocity"

For every 3-4 "up critiques" like these, the editor sends 20 suggestions for improvement, mostly having to do with my tendency to write very densely. Sometimes I do get tangled up in claws/clauses. And then it makes suggestions for where the plot might go next that I never take, and in fact I rule them out. There is no plot. I just write and rewrite until the changes I make add up to a pattern that is recognizeable so that I myself can see what/how I am thinking. 

not true, there is just some truth in it; we forged a ride-or-die pact of recovery, that is why not "want"; that ride had ejector seats 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a beautiful day. I was going to go outside and play, but it's still so cold 🥶. So I collaged the Empress card, then let this chapter bubble up into its words. Full on Virgo, all I did was make sense (art) today.

It doesn't have to be pure joy all the time, obviously. But like a really beautiful lie has to have some truth in it, this shit has to have some joy in it. And the darker the time, the sharper that joy has to become. 

You’re in full-on Virgo mode this weekend. (uh oh). You're thankful to be out of survival mode, but the lessons you learned there still apply, and you can conjure the vibe when you need to. (on a dime) You focus intently on what matters. All else shrinks to its proper size.

no springtime - allison russel ft joy oladokun & julie williams 

"...when the Empress card appears, it is an invitation to take care of what is most important to you in a joyful loving way."

her name is Blanche

they took 6k off and threw in a towhitch and took the wrangler back as-is, and I still needed to pick up summer overtime (while at the dealership) to bridge the over budget I went (it is nice to have bosses who love me at the moment, I even got an uncomplicated straight-up "I love you" over the phone to boot), but the important part is it's over 

"pants off ft it's spring"

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUwdQHYDpvP/?igsh=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

lit another one "Exceed Expectation Harder (Please)"

my bed is so full of kids and dogs right now that a cal king be too small lol, one dog and one kid take turns using my ass as a pillow

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Relationships bring out your creativity, and that's why people find you so fetching. You don't just show up hoping to fill the role; you show up with the burgeoning creative energy to make it your own.

What the fuck have I been saying all along? This is the apocalypse, both personal and global. The only good thing about an apocalypse is nothing has to be anything it has been before. It doesn't even have to be called a word that already exists. And that's not just for romance (the most annoying of categories), it goes for every kind of relationship. I always thought that way, inclined that way, but now it's a belief. 

There is no part of me that wants to go back to the past anywhere in it. I look back and pull out of the rubble the memory diamonds that got created in the pressures, that's all. 

I want to look ahead of me the same way my mom would look at a blank wall. Excited for the possibilities of a million little choices of beauty. Mulling where she'll put the first stroke. And then the second. When she does that, everybody comes running to watch or to pick up a paintbrush, and she's universally enthusiastic about folding in what shows up and letting it change what becomes. 

training season - dua lipa

the girliest pickup I have ever seen in real life 🤣 I had only ever seen them online 🤣 I could also try out the honda ridgeline, but because of the chevy silverado song, I thought that might be too nate-adjacent existentially. and I have to give them credit for listening to me about my mom and bringing me the one with the step ups already installed. I do like it a lot when people are just plain ol nice

Limited: 2.5L Turbocharged engine, Standard AWD, 5,000 lbs towing (reading about it 🧐)

Grit, a novel

ch 10 "Testing a Theory" 

Grit, a novel

ch 9 "Not Even Nate"

my inner butterknife! she who weilds words like God's kind-ish cleaver, may I grow up to be more like 🙏