I slept through 1 fucking text.

Two seconds. That he would hate himself for 2 seconds and something bad would happen. That's what I constantly dread. Constantly as in without cessation. 

If you lived like that, with constant dread of that, you would want to strap him to the bed too, with the old leather restraints that he had found it charming I had saved.

My mind breaks from itself, and I am a "she", a character in a book, who can actually tie him up sometimes instead of just worry ALL the time. 

https://vegoutmag.com/lifestyle/d-psychology-says-people-who-hate-small-talk-but-excel-in-deep-conversations-arent-socially-awkward-theyre-socially-selective-and-the-discomfort-they-feel-in-surface-level-exchanges-isnt-s/

And while I'm awake bitching about being worried, this too. Provided that he's alive tomorrow, and I'm awake worried that he's not for no reason, I'm not good at chit chat. Or walking on eggshells. So then I shut up just because I don't want to do those things. Sorry not sorry, it's not like I'm new, so anybody talking to me should kind of know what to expect: intense scrutiny of myself and them and life and everything. AND "How was your day honey?" is a ridiculous question anyway when a good day is "I cut somebody open" etc. 

I don't know what the fuck you want from me and at this point, the reason why I fuck you so much in my head is not lust as much as exasperation with all other forms of communication. Like texts that make me think you've blown your head off or some equivalent of drunk yourself death - upshot: I'd rather fuck you than get texts like that. And psychologically I think that's fair even if not logistically possible or desirable. If you're dead and I should have said this all yesterday, I 

dunno

it's not your fault - slow leaves

VIRGO Real life is no melodrama. The dimple-chinned hero will not show up to save the maiden strapped to the railroad track. 

full Pink moon in Libra (balance)

change my mind (acoustic) - riley green

"Reverse Cowgirl (Strength card)"

I have options - cameron whitcomb and have imagined mores and otherwises

worry ft something feels off

 

Grit, writing assignment (pay attention)

Subject is your choice.

"caregiving" (mixed media)

This is about writing itself as a kind of grit = the subject is what is challenging to you, forcing you to grow. What stymies you.

As you write, be explicit and specifically detailed. You're not trying to mystify yourself.

Assignment format:

a memory + a fantasy / a reality 

Example: A memory of being a parent + a fantasy of what that could be like / the current on-the-ground reality in that life category.

Goal: Use writing to discover what you're thinking.

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not unblogging this atm - it's not writing, it's writing-about-writing 

fascinating to watch her hit a plotline, shattering it on impact 

Grit, a novel (see recipe), current contents

Section 1 - Sobriety Games

ch 1 "Threshold Learning"

ch 2 "Just One"

ch 3 "Choking"

ch 4 "Reverse Cowgirl"

Section 2 Vegas

ch 5 "Dick Butter" (ripped down into 3 chapters / shattered)

ch 6 "Garbage Bags" (working title)

ch 7 "Huckleberry"

ch 8 "Sex Chair (Mid-Century Modern)"

Section 3 - Unknown Freeballing It - I don't have a wish. 

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Words can work magic. Or at least help you grit your way through a hard spell.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Not every interaction will leave you energized, but healthy relationships involve some form of exchange: support, laughter, learning or shared understanding. If you consistently walk away from someone feeling depleted, pause and reflect on what might need attention.

Writing is paying attention.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). To really serve someone well, you'll find out the person's preferences and give full attention to meeting their needs. This kind of detailed work is a rare gift to offer, so don't be surprised if it makes an impression far beyond what you were aiming for.

My mother on paper. Mid cerebral gorilla erotica. Welp 🤷🏻‍♀️

Section 1 - Sobriety Games

ch 1 "Threshold Learning"

ch 2 "Just One"

ch 3 "Choking"

ch 4 "Reverse Cowgirl"

Section 2 Vegas

ch 5 "Dick Butter" (draft 1)

wreck - neko case 

says God

try not to freak out - john shambles 

Grit, a novel

chapter 4, "Reverse Cowgirl"

 

There's wildness in the way our minds work, and that can be beautiful. But when it isn't, remember that the uncomfortable thoughts are common, especially on a day of a solar conjunction with Saturn and three lunar squares. Treat the negative thoughts like mental static. Don't build an identity around them. You don't need a pure mind to live well. You need a flexible one.

"word lent"

dry spell - kacey musgraves