endorphins

I love that drug. (is it a drug or a hormone?) worth the price

There is nothing like the hot shower after. I stay in there til I've used up all the hot water, letting it run over me everywhere in hot torrents, swaying back and forth so it runs over my sore ass muscles and between my legs. It's better than most sex and has the same residual effect of making me feel like hot shit all over the place, peacefully pooling in a puddle of velvet here (X) 

how's everybody else feeling tonight? 

530, halfway there

just when I thought I might gotta tap out for a min, they hiit it: poker face nananaaaaa 💃

how sleepy witches do word puzzles: put the same first word in as usual then think it's 'drunk' but don't wanna guess that, but by the third try it's unavoidable. #notme

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's so nice to know you don't have to chase validation or try to be chosen. It's enough just to participate in something meaningful. And today you won't need to compromise anything about yourself to make this happen.

I didn't compromise anything yesterday either. I can't. 

and tbh, except in one case, my stomping like hell and rolling a worry boulder around like a pet rock being explicit and insistent has generally been met with relief. it's CLEAR versus MUDDY: I am standing here X, it's LIVING as in VIBRANT; you (whoever), come OVER HERE cz I am not budging off Alive (armscrossssy)

mostly that's met with something like "thank god!" as if unless I physically remind folks what breathing looks like, they mighta forgot. how can that be? I do not know. but it no longer matters (to me) how we all got these fucked ways up. I am just all about the unfucking. 

#TheGreatUnbreaking

card of the day, his 

song tbd - given the word and card of the day combo, I'll repost this for now in a different state of mind - I turned mountain goat footed since 

today: I'ma gonna buy flowers this morning, take it from there....

the union running outa tshirts was fanfuckingstastic, I hate those ugly things. this time we all just had to wear lipstick RED cz no tshirts. that one little delightfully pointless pleasure improved the quality of my life 100% for a day. I gotta free pass to keep that up from now on, like hester fucking prynne

headstart - jade bird

Butterknife is coming in about a week (update, May 6). Time to get that cottage open. 

heart stop - the revivalists the way the (heart)beat kinda arrests just before 3 min then catches there for a scary moment, then two. 

it's been hard to breathe sometimes.

worry stone fetish

if you were curious, what do you ask of someone who self-snuffed against their own will / didn't want to?   I don't wanna ask anything tbh. Even "whats up?" seems absurd, hence the Fat Alberty way it sounded in my head. What I needed to know was/is "Are you breathing?" That's it.

"What has this been like for you?" was where we started, there was a mutuality in that, like the feeling when you clasp by the forearm vs just shaking hands. 

But now, there's another whole Thing Time more, whatever this has been / still is. 

Bottom line, if I opened the door and he was standing there, what would I do? Ask him where he's been? No. My first and last instinct would be about if he's okay (defined atm as breathing). So for now and the foreseeable (sp?), that's it.

I keep thinking this for some dumb reason 🤭🤷🏻‍♀️

 

snapped brittle from the wait

While cleaning the kitchen, I noticed the wishbone had given up the ghost, so I just wished for someone else to get whatever their wish was/is. 

Then I dreamed someone brought me a box of wee newborn chickens. I didn't see who it was. I was busy looking at the babies and woke myself up with a gasp of joy. Pure wish fulfillment dream. 

My card of the day is the Wheel of Fortune. Sudden radical change of luck / spin the wheel. Someone showing up at my door w baby chickens would definitely qualify. But as usual, I'm a little too successful: nobody knows where I live 🤣

So I'm just gonna go about my Earth day in Virgo fashion: buy a tree, go to yoga, grade some papers, light a candle, then go to the union thing  ... dressed like Cindarella's alter ego 👀 

song tbd

bonus - I give up, what makes a chicken Polish aside from the pointless chachki backdrop?

if I were a grown up chicken, I'd be pedo #chicklonging

Grit novel, Ch XIII

Trying to imagine other than the current haphazard halfassed halfblind halfhearted indifference being shoveled at me like shit turds. 

no springtime - allison russell

tell me whats on your mind - the decemberists

went with the red leather after all

 

"I believed this was my destiny: for a plane to recognize me as his soulmate mid-flight and, overcome with passion, relinquish his grip on the sky, hurtling us to earth in a carnage that would meld our souls for eternity.... whichever plane would finally recognize my worth and claim me as his bride in orgasmic catatrophe. ~Sky Daddy, Kate Folk

I never thought of that. #lackofimagination 

 

sad plane

"Grown-ups are not good at masking their concerns, although they can hide their delight and curiosity surprisingly well. Whereas with children it is the other way round. Children can tactfully mute their anxiety and conceal their sorrow, but will struggle not to express their excitement. That is what growing up means, in some simple way: learning to repress all expressions of pure happiness and joy."

There are Rivers in the Sky, Elif Shafak

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). For security guards, a good part of the job is just staying awake. So they do the rounds, walk the perimeters, do system checks. It gives a signal to themselves and the world — we care, we protect, we're ready.

YOU OKAY? 

#moresilence #ouch

card of the day, a fave.
welp. all that is true again now - place, kids, animals, coins enough, as promised 🙏 - and my mother will be back soon to fuss the flowers. I dunno who that dude is, or if he walks this earth at all; if he exists, he's gonna have to find me 

The Hermit

can you get to that? - mavis staples

grit reading / haiku assignment

"In the end, perhaps what separates one individual from another is not talent but passion. And what is passion if not a restlessness of the heart, an intense yearning to surpass your limits, like a river overflowing its banks?" ~ There are Rivers in the Sky

happy haiku day 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You express the poetry of your soul through thoughtful care and elegant precision. You notice what needs tending and quietly restore harmony. Haiku: Morning dew on wheat. A careful hand mends the seam. Order hums softly.

"constancy" 

assignment: write a haiku of you, holding together a wee 17 syllables

With the new moon in Aries simmering in your eighth house of intensity and sharing today, you could soon feel ready to get up close and personal with a new love paramour. Or you might strengthen your bond with bae and try out some new tricks (or toys) in the boudoir. Mercury, Mars, Saturn and Neptune are all gathered in this zone, prompting you to dive deep into strong emotions and transform something that’s been lurking in your psyche. Seek out the resources you need.

(the suitcase from the cottage under the bed atm?)

welp, I am doing nooo thinking so this makes sense, everything rn is below my neck. I took up hot interval weight training - HOT room, 110 degrees and humid, I do that then 30 min break to cool down, then a bikram class = 3 hours total. after all that, there is *no thought*, just an increasing awareness of my musculature such that I could probably pinch a dick clean off inside me if I did think about it 

hot and hard good

love is such a hard thing - noah derksen

bonus cover me up - morgan wallen same song, another voice