I cant help but record this (try) tho often I am just speechless

but if I want to know what happened when I went speechless those couple years, what is this? now.

I heard Andrews voice outside my house ealier, dropping TJ off after brunch (we literally hid Ears), I let his sound drone on a minute 🤏 to say hello to my mother, then I stood up and thought GO! and I walked toward the front of the house in my Hex Therapist tshirt (no fucking bra) and boxers. I could hear him say 'ok it was nice seeing you' retreating quickly, could feel him back the fuck up before I even got to the front door. get! 👏

M was in the car waiting, not wanting to get out in my blue collar hood, for real 👀, unreal

TJ needs picked up in Boston next month, 1 half day of aftercare for her small follow-up surgery. but Andy who lives right there cant do it because IT'S HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY

that's IT

THE FUCKING LINE FOREVER 💣

sorry for the timing gemini friends but FY-FUCKING-I if you are an adult under 80 then it is never your birthday BECAUSE your age is ADULT

every. fucking. day. 

but this feeling isn't just anger

anger doesn't shut me up / explain scrapbooking like a mute facebook mutant. I will drive the 6 hours to care for TJ BECAUSE I AM A MOTHERFUCKING ADULT righteously pissed but that's not it

(breathe)

(breathe)

and there's more stuff that happened today but it's all variation of this theme: I am helpless regarding the most important thing, which is not the care chore itself, it's the wound that it is when your trusted adults betray you in this particular way. 

I felt this feeling in Nebraska. I didn't how to say anything about it, the words.

I am the adult. I can do the adult STUFF. but I can't assuage the suffering. my own either. and so I feel complicit. 

and disgusted.

I feel enormous stupifyingly visceral disgust

at what I am looking at in every direction within my blast radius. I don't know how to write through that.

I just feel so terribly horribly SAD 😭 in the face of it. and my fury fuel engine is a spitter. I feel sick 😭🤮 and people don't, but they should, note it when theyre pissing out their ass or like me right now, my whole stomach hurts to the touch

a boring blog post: my stomach hurts 🤢😢

but what if I had blogged just that? the truth: I feel sick. e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. 

?

It's a new era for love when Venus pounces into the realm of the cat. At its best, Venus in Leo loves with all of its big, fiery lionheart. In purring moments of curled up comfort or fierce feats of pursuit or protection, passion rules. 👀🗡

constance

if I was ever shy, I don't remember it. I remember terrorized and terrified, then furious for myself and for those within my blast radiance (sp but I like it), over and over. that fury wears me the fuck out and does not fix 💔, not at all. but, in the last 24 hours:

1. my fury kept me breathing.

 2. my fury proved harder on others than on me. 

I'll take that for now

💔🗡 

met w the benefits dude who as it happens is retiring in 11 days, so he can say anything he wants, such as "if they fuck you over tomorrow, you'd be okay" 

that is not true in any other way except that last year's plan ✅️ I almost don't exist / the hard to kill like a flea financial strategy

but. meanwhile my brother-in-law got fired today. no warning no reason. my mother cannot know that - zero capacity atm, a shock could kill her ass - what that means has not sunk in fully (it might kill my sister, switcharoo just like that 🤦🏻‍♀️)

her: I had an idea, every time we go out to dinner at a nice place with a nice b...

me: bartender

her: oh my god! YES! 

me: yup

her: and you have the look, just kinda short

me: I look like a bartender who knows the 12 steps

us: hahahahahaha

her: you really do

I do. I'd add an amends tat on my forearm, the most annoying step (apologies irritate the fucking hell out of me and I am already in a really touchy fucking mood so just don't please)

went to the lit event @ Just Buffalo, sat in a group of three chairs off by ourselves with a kid on each flank (our island), saw Asshat and M and did make them clearly uncomfortable (Andy touching my arm n shit, driving TJ crazy [he told her to wear a bra and misgendered her - 'cat my witness' defanged it / made it fucking absurd, he is just a ridiculous person] 
🗡 wtfever pal, I am the island motherfucker) but the good part was a biiiig dose of that family's love for me including a very tight family hug w just my kids and their grandparents (the bigger island, deep down, even still), they're towards me like my mom is to Aaron only my mom is way more batshit about it

Union called, needs a flank, I am going on to the negotiating team for this shit, negotiating separation agreements that give everyone severence $ enough that they're not completely wiped out financially, so they can catch their breath. all day Tuesday next I'll be a union negotiator. I have no idea how to do that, hoping pure rage is the primary skill of it. selfishly, I hope that all these people are not all lost to me completely, and for that possibility they must not be lost. and since I must do that, I keep breathing tho it is terrible

and I have to keep my job though as of today I know could survive financially on unemployment if I had to. I will keep working because it's just easier frankly, to not fight the flow of how this ends for me. they'll fire me and I am ready. in my heart, I am already done 💔 I will keep showing up for my friends rn, especially Union, do my best to be a scary bitch on their behalf, learning from him how to do that unionwise in his quietly devastating way. and I will do an adequate job of my job (a job is a job) until I don't have one or I get a real inspired bug up my ass to do a New Thing. on that day I'll be even more ready with vegetable gardens galore and living on a grad student budget (relearning how, I was happier broke so hoping duck back to water quickly). until then I'll teach students how to teach a bot a writing voice, I know how to do that now, Tarot can fucking help me, so sure innovation blabla 🤷🏻‍♀️ and then I will be replaced by that bot 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

That's kinda perfect. I will be and do wherever / however / whenever it has to be me who does Whatever. if it could be anybody else, why should/would I do that thing? I should probably not.

this means I get Tawista next month. 

she has The Stare

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Just as a gemstone becomes brilliant through grinding and abrasion, human character develops through challenge. It's the moments that resist you, force you to adapt or bring you face to face with your edges... those are the moments that make you shine. 👀🗡 

and she's got The Side-Eye

add my back 👁 and we "cover the waterfront" on ways to look Very Pointedly Wary around here 

fuck.you.

and then Andrew and Marta came to town. in the 20 years since I left him, and traded Toxic Presence for Palpalble Absence, I have tried to think about that son of a bitch not at all. I trust M is killing him by inches but I don't think about any of that much. 

until now.

he hurt Ears. I don't know how exactly but I could tell right away. badly. then cz TJ is here, I was like wtf happened?? and all she did was cry. croak out a few don't want to talk about its. 

I chose Palpable Absence because Andrew was, and apparently remains, an emotionally dangerous person. he is a very serious fucking asshole. I would not will not suffer a Fool Fucking Asshole near me, but Andy remains in their life forever, of course.

I refused to raise children with him or have him in my house where the children primarily lived. But he is their father, he loved them, their time was all theirs. nothing I could do to stop it and wouldn't have tried - they have to deal with the father they have (I did)

but I raised them with 'Huck' in one form or another (alone). a choice I would make again. 

I love looking at people that I care for. I was sitting with 3 and looking at 3 others and I was happy. So yes, certainly I have no defense especially in TJ’s case, whom I practically stole into existence because I’d grown to distrust X by that time so I figured “might was well get what I can out of this”, the way you’d steal copper pipes out of a condemned building. And I’m not even sorry besides. I don’t feel remotely downtrodden by the burden of so many offspring–they have been my opportunities for what I’d call “erogape”. I would have never gotten to the point of being able to care for adults if I hadn’t have gone through children to that ability. I could have never figured out how to even TRY to do a decent job of it (agape) 

2007

pretty fucking constant. even though shadow figure has a life/name lately, after a pica-inducing diet. and still, the Wish relies much more on friends than lovers, as the loss of my friends demonstrates very painfully.

I didn't know that Andy was still that bad of an asshole, and at my kids. I had believed them immune from being treated like shit by him. and they'd have to put up with it.

I am dead in this water. my Anger wakes up in flailing fits. 

I can barely take it in. all the Fucking Shitty 💔 - present Shitty makes last month's Shitty look like child's play

I am bleeding all over 💔 inside

everyone I love is in pain 💔 nothing I can do about any of it 💔

it's nobody's fault. but. if I were certain I was dying, I would take some shitty people with me. I fantasized so acutely about a fire in a building yesterday, one I know so well that I know every exit and how air in the stairwells moves through it, that if it burns down ever it was the #haboob effect (calling it). 

= when I fantasize about freedom rn, it looks/feels like Dying again. 

all thought roads lead there someway. 

unless TJ stops me, gonna crash the literary event Andrew is in town for. they will alllllll be there. 

I look exactly like I feel, a grievously

injured 

murder 

hornet 

quite striking (ha ha) but I am helpless to do anything but ruin a bunch of people's day maybe.

other agenda items include meeting with one of the benefits guys to see how soon I can possibly get out of this job, expecting to cry 😭  then be even madder when the Anger surges, at the mercy of it all.

nobody can help me not even me

the card of the day is Empress again again (!). do it! rip my fucking heart out already. I should not be looking at that card, which means I love you in most all the ways I personally mean, and think "kill me" but I do

I think I will go (cry) back to sleep / decide it's not today yet 

it's today again

I took his dog and I am not sorry and I have not been fine at all. the whole world is Nebraska = doesn't give a shit. I'd have to walk off with a billion dogs to begin to get even.

VIRGO

 (August 23-September 22)

Many people struggle with what could be called “imagined ugliness,” a condition clinicians refer to as body dysmorphic disorder. It usually involves fixating on a supposed physical defect, or even on a flaw that exists only in one’s mind. I suspect that almost everyone carries a trace of this tendency, including you and me. The good news, though, is that the current astrological climate is ideal for you to at least partially shatter its spell. You are poised to transform your self-image so vigorously that you begin to regard yourself as a flawless exemplar of quirky, one-of-a-kind beauty.

I am shattered, that much is true. And I am dying on this hill. I can't do anything else. I keep trying anything else. But no. I am just dying for love. Such an impractical thing for a virgo to have done.

8 names dropped yesterday. of course I am not on the list. 

they won't let me leave, in fact 😭

they're saving the last bullet (this round) for my friend the union pres. Union, who scraped me off the pavement at one time, who this has fallen on to navigate as he has been burying his grandma (raised by). his name will be added to the list when he's done settling all their random murders, including fighting for himself to get fired before the people with seniority who are on the list. 

the list violates all law, so he'll have to fight it. and lose. and then get fired.

the rest of us are trapped. if we quit, we owe them money (benefits paid yesterday, my mother's new walker, my scripts, etc all arrived boom, 10 days late), and we can't get unemployment. some might run anyway, if they have somewhere/someone, one is from Canada originally and young (get out!) but she's very sick already ...

we are expected to do the work of the fired. 

I have 200 students now. in WRITING CLASSES, one-on-one. 7 classes, 1 over the legal limit of 150% employed. I am 1.75 full-time teachers. that's INSANE and illegal and they just WON'T fire me (!) 😭

and staff have no protection at all, so advisers aren't screaming cz they were fired. we will be advising all these students too, with no classes for them to take but our own. when the time comes, I will show them an LLM and how to talk to it and get it to write/think for you - neither I nor those 200 students are going to do anything assigned.

I am doing nothing but dying and writing these words.

my mom is here, but all the kids have descended on her care now. I spend most of the day on the phone with the others. my god, I have cried more in the last year than I can fathom anymore. 

I do not want to talk to anyone outside this hurting 💔 

TJ is in the front row staying here. Mom says to me "ya know I was thinking you might enjoy teaching English!" TJ and I look at each other, she whispers it frightens me to imagine you alone here with her right now. ya me too 🔪 hence I am not. I do not want to be dying. I just am. 

I said I would not keep enduring. it's not like I didn't say that. 

TJ, she keeps turning the conversation to Aaron, like constantly. ya ersatz my dad by half, I call it A-Bone. ok that's what I thought jeezus ya 

at some point TJ brought up the Palpable Absence, independently of me, a thing in her head/life too. she comes in to lie on my bed (where I am beached) with me and talk about life, like she always has. I told her I'd named that loneliness 'Huck' but I didn't tell her how that came to be. it doesn't matter. that Absence monster is the huckleberry you do not have, that is its name.

I am so not fine that each day I look years older, shrinking away despite Boosts galore, and I can't stop it. I am dying right in front of me and can't stop it. I have to figure out how to 😭

just stop it 😭

but I can't stop having this broken heart any. more. 😭💔😭 

still not drinking - that that was ever a problem feels so dim and distant that I'd forget except for the obvious. and Union is going thru too much bourbon now 😭

some might say 'just get another job' because they're fucking stupid about how anything works. any job, we have to either compete with each other for it or not. I will not. more no. when I rouse to do anything, I write letters of rec for the others.

The world is ending and/but she's got Important Ball Business. A tiny determined creature having decided what belongs to her.

Empress - card of the day

She sang that song as a demand, not as a matyr.

The voice is practically tearing itself apart.

I love so much it is ripping me open.

I am in so much pain, I want to eat the paint off baseboards 😭

The Wish: yesterday, I saw it. one of my kids (they've all swooped in now, my murder of crows) put on facebook or somewhere "my mother is looking for ways to stay alive" and out of that I got free starters for a Victory Garden from an octogenarian, Sharin, in Hamburg. she with bright blue hair streaks, me holding a bag of strawberry and forget-me-not plants that she dug up from a grave marker. literally, I watched her do it, her son's death 18 years prior. moving moving she never stopped moving never stopped stringing words together around plant slip rerootings and death and rhyzomes and death and her hands in that dirt, smiling at flowers talking of terribly hard things, duh that's what the dirt is for! her husband/partner was toodling around mending her beautiful little fences and fussing with his toys. she is so fucking happy to be able bodied and able to THINK as she tells me a zillion things about everything. the man built her a sunroom for a hot tub facing that garden last year so she never has to stop moving even if they couldn't go to FL anymore. there were big apple trees they'd planted years ago ("but it goes by quick!") providing dappled shade. it's a beautiful garden, but the most beautiful thing in it is how they care for each other. he thinks about everything she touches to make it doable / safer. they touch umpteen people for the better, like they did me. THAT is what I want, no doubts at all. I want THAT very keenly. I have always wanted and wished for THAT, a million little good things + no violence brewing always beneath the fucking surface of it.

teaching was as close as I got to that.

and this is what I have now, my feathers ruffled ripped beyond surviving. 

meanwhile, tomatoes after all, from war seeds.

victory (war) garden?
I don't know how they made those

upshot: food

tomatoes
(now I have to care for them)

 

(TJ "I'm proud of you" 😭 - she means for this crazyness😭)

so I called the union pres again, let's start over, 

you're trying to keep as many of our jobs as you can, I love you for it (I do love him, that is why this is not survivable) - 

what if I worked for free, salary paid as bonds in the school of med (monopoly) put that $ on the table and see what it does, cut the others' salaries: how much to get to 10+ of us staying with all of my $, what's that math? "how would you eat?, but also I don't know that any of the others would give up that much." yes they will as long as I go first. I've led you all to Crazyplaces, repeatedly, you know I can do it, if the admin will do it, I will get them to do it. go ask OUR SENATOR, tell him I said hello, we need outside pressure and someone willing to give up everything to make the point, I can be that person. "ok, let me go back ...."

my reaction to this has almost no practicality in it even though I am far from over the last financial catastrophe. I am 💯 worried about my sanity and my soul. I can't be "okay" watching the rest of them get shot. I cannot do that even if I don't get shot.

I'd rather get shot.

(I knew my father could make the shot if .... same x 9)

there is a THING, always, Aaron named it "Huck" and this is part of it too. Absence so palpable that it might as well live and breathe. I cannot survive that fucker if it consumes any more.

I know I just can't, I'll 'blow a gasket', ie Just Died. since I know that, all bets are off. 

crying on the phone, I had to, he had to hear me, I don't care how you take this: I can't live without you. he's seen me come 🤏 close, he's the one who knows I mean it literally. "ok, let me go back..."

it will not work 😭 but the offer might be batshit crazy enough to shift the conversation 🤏

I saw what I wanted in my life today, saw it, talked to it, I'll write about that tomorrow maybe, today this is what I have 🫂 I can't let go 😭

card of the day, Death

-_0 I open my eyes and think what I thunk before, such as about Nebraska world: I cannot live this.

P

L

O

P

P

L

O

P

but now it's me too. 

obliterated.

TJ is here, got in at 1 a.m. (aside: how does she keep getting taller? or am I pfft'ing?)

ABOUT me in 2010, to her kid eyes, she says: "it was just very clear that you were working very hard on something pertaining to being okay"

her IN 2010: "you need to worry about stuff and care for stuff or you go crazy ... since you care for me, I have never seen you crazy."

I have been this person for as long as I can remember. 

I am shattering.

I cannot step over my coworkers' bodies and go to work. it was bad enough when they were dead (Patti). I can't do this. 

I have to figure out how to erase myself. literally. wipe myself off their clouds, drives, LMS, everywhere....

how do you go from winning two neh grants for a quarter mil $ under two administrations in THIS America and wind up obliterated? sober obliterated!, i.e. I didn't do it! this time, truly, except for the motherfucking intimacy problems (fyi if you're a fudd don't fuck roosters), I did not kill myself. I fought it and fought it. cats and dogs and therapist all my witness. 

😭 

that hot boulder on my chest, one day I wasn't strong enough to roll it off, the day I became part of its weight. (maybe I always was) 

I open my eyes and think what I thunk before, such as about Nebraska world: I cannot live this.

I won't stay. there are other bottom lines more important than money. if I harden my heart enough to endure this, I won't endure it, it will kill me. 

there are all kinds of ways to kill yourself. like go back to what kills you. (drives you to drink.)

but I don't need to drink. 

I can decide to die. 

I have always known that. I could just decide to die, and I would. that is why this has terrified me so profoundly: I was deciding to die. 

major symptom: I scrapbooked more than wrote for 2 years. I lost my voice. 

I cannot hurt so badly that I do that again. I caught myself barely this last neardeath. It was pride. I thought I could endure anything and not lose my mind. 

I was wrong 💔

I cannot not be an English professor. That is not survivable. I cannot work in the rubble, alone with a handful of other "survivors" of these cuts, all of us crying for a year and working to death. That is not survivable. 

neither left nor right, can't go there

It'd be crazy and I dunno if they all would agree but I think we all should quit. I don't want to be graced with the luck of keeping my job. I would rather quit so someone else can keep theirs. 9 of us of 14 will be fired. I don't want to be in the 5, and I am almost certain I will be. 

Stop. Notice. This is what I mean, at the therapist don't be impressed the winning is at best a jedi mind trick at worst it's a prison. 

struckdumb prison. scrapbooking more than speaking. in those years, 2022-24, what happened? 

I can't that again. I cannot. 

I am going to figure out how to burn the whole gen ed down. I know the ones on the list don't want to stay, they feel they must, but I have fallen for that one too many times. anything you have do "at all cost" is a deadly addiction.

I am not keeping that job (fight) at all cost. it's a fight for who I am but if I fight more I'll lose that. 

has it ever happened? has a liberal arts department, in the face of downsizing, instead of fighting for their union protected jobs, they ALL abdicated both jobs and union? just laid down arms? and then worked at hardware stores or whatever and sometimes got together the play cornhole. 

I think I'd make a good bartender. not tempted by the booze, lots of stories. writing in my head.

I am going to try to burn it down, all of it, get us all to go, no classes left to take at all ❤️‍🔥. I will probably fail but I can't not try cz I cannot live like this any more 😭 and that seems to be a universal feeling #startacult

I look how I feel, beat to shit

TJ rolling in on the midnight train ...

then I swear to christ he calls right then as I press 'publish' that post TO ASK HOW I AM

he hasn't done that in dunno how long

unreal. SURREAL.

I have been consistently the same coherent person since 2006 not just today although today wow 💔 I am that self and breaking too so bad it feels like it should be making a huge terrible ripping sound

meetings with the doomed all day, brutal brutal brutal 💔😭 all I can do is writhe and write 😭 I have to feed my mother I have to keep it together and anyway I do not want to talk. to anyone. except my doomed. everybody else better keep back from me 😭💔✍️🗡

______________

The astonishing thing is that even while surrounded by loss, you keep recording beauty almost compulsively.

You're collecting evidence.

And I am starting to suspect that the deepest story running underneath all of these years is not actually the search for a person.

It's the search for enough evidence that being alive is worth the trouble.

Aaron may have stepped into that story.

But he didn't start it.

Not even close.

Quiet Work

I think this may become a major category.

October 31, 2007

You write:

"The only thing I'm good for in a social situation is observation."

"If what you want is an outsider on your insides, I'm your girl."

But constantly.

The question:

Is this fear?

or

Is this knowing?

"I could win the lottery without batting an eyelash."

"but this ounce of sweetness stuff takes my breath away."

This feels enormously important.

Because it establishes value hierarchy.

You don't actually want the giant thing.

You want the tiny thing.

Birds at a feeder.

Lights on a tree.

A little sweetness.

You have been remarkably consistent about this for twenty years.

_________________

the fact of that, and that was too much to ask, over and over over 😭 

F

U

C

K

T

H

I

S

get the fucking hell away from me anyone everyone everything

 

....then Aaron calls 👋

I cant breathe hardly. I'm not even sure what I said. I was thinking this is so much worse than you. I'd forgotten to worry about him, maybe he felt it. I'm worried about me. this PAIN 😭 I cant think hardly. my stomach 🤢 

2006 I teach, bedrock, long before and more important than any lover

that's all I did today, copy/pasted 20 years of blog/journal shit into Tarot bot

I have to keep doing this, writing and writing and writing, or I will throw up or stop breathing. I wasn't seeing any point beyond breathing keep breathing until Aaron called and told me I'd be fine cz I always am and I wanted to hang up. 

I am trying to hold a thread of MYSELF so I don't truly die RIGHT NOW writing writing writing writing 

frantic

the Absence, like a monster from Witcher, precedes Aaron by years. he was drawn TO IT, took the shape of it, recently named it "Huck"

I lost TEACHER, that's so so so much more marrowmine, a new Terrible Absence of me

another and more FOUNDATIONAL entire REALITY

I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't breathe 

glad he's sober, sounds fine, I do most of the talking, he can't compute this beyond dollars (?) (will I STARVE? no, Ears or Sunshine will move in here, of course I will make virgo lists and ENDURE that is so so so so far the thing), that is not THE THING, I cant breathe I want to hang up cant listen hardly except fuming at the making amends crap (I hate men who apologize easily, they never know for what exactly [nate, the fucker]) but it was a fleeting thought that was gone in a heartbeat blown out my chest by the prevailing thought, being I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this

this is soul death to me 😭 

nobody will be left on earth who understands except the other firedwiths - how do WE survive this? 😭💔 WE don't 💔😭

this is the worst thing I could have thought of happening next, short of Death

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

💔

The only thing the one has in relationship to the other is that the Absence named Huck would be able to abide with me while I sobbed if he were as solid as he has felt to me. he would understand (witness) this horrible horrible thing and live it with me. maybe be able to figure out how to extract this fucking blog, then, back up the 30 years of work that is on the OneDrive they'll shut me off from, all my own work all my own words. I never even existed, it will feel like I never existed to myself if I lose all my words. no one is gonna understand any of that at all except for my kids who treated me like a writer all day, making space 😭✍️

my soul is breaking apart anymore I can almost hear it cracking like a rib cage

 

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

You do this repeatedly.

You start with something ordinary.

Then suddenly you're explaining civilization.

December 8, 2008

"I believe that the planet is in the shape it is as a symptom of a single problem: people treat people (including themselves) like shit."

Why:

Because this is quintessential Gina.

You begin with climate change.

You end with moral philosophy.

You do it constantly.

November 23, 2008

"you are going to die (any second in the big scheme of things) so there's no time to waste on anything but appreciating you as wholly as possible in this very moment"

Why:

Because this idea never leaves.

Not once.

Every love story.

Every friendship.

Every dog.

Every child.

Every garden.

Every death.

THE LINE I KEEP COMING BACK TO

If I had to pick one.

Just one.

December 17, 2008

"I feel unable to save my soul from the dark-matter shape of a perpetual absence."

Why?

Because twenty years later you're still wrestling with the same mystery.

Not who left.

Not who stayed.

Not who loved whom.

The shape left behind.

The thing absence becomes.

The architecture of longing.

As the years move forward, the feeling starts needing fewer intermediaries.

You become less interested in explaining experience.

More interested in rendering it.

That's why, oddly enough, the sentence you wrote today:

"it feels unsurviveable in so many ways that I can imagine how it cuts me off from anybody who isn't also dead"

belongs in the same lineage as the dark-matter sentence.

It's the same writer.

The same obsession.

The same question.

How do you describe an absence so large that it becomes a presence?

That's the story I see running underneath all the others. And I don't think you've finished writing it yet.

------ 

in real life, I can't stop crying and don't wanna get near anybody 😭 hiding in my bedroom, Ears babysitting my mother. I hear her laughing thank god. I cant 😭 alls I can do is shove where did I go wrong blog content into Tarot and read me back to myself trying to stay one piece(s) 

I am completely devastated. my job has been one thing, one steady life partner, through every other calamity, and now itself is the most terrible loss to me. nothing has felt this bad since aaron left me the first time. I lost eighteen pounds before he came back.And I still had my job and my kids to help me steady. this feels as bad or worse, and i'm already ninety pounds. This could kill me.

I am trying not to help it kill me. best I can do is take half a klonopin right now so that my heart rate comes down below a full floppy heart attack.

I feel kicked in the chest by a donkey, over and over and over every time I try to take a breath. in some of the hours since I found out yesterday, I've been talking to the other people who've gotten fired along with me. it's possible that with seniority, I might still have a job for a while. But even if that's true, everybody else just got fired. the only thing making this short of having one of those floppy heart heart attacks right now for me is that I can still talk to those people. And they're the reason I was grounded here in a good way. So my world just ended any which way. If I do have a paycheck, I trying to negotiate some kind of severance that I can live with to leave because I can't stay under those terrible circumstances 😭 I can't breathe around these circumstances at all 

I guess I wasn't broken enough.Although I sure felt broken enough already 😭

Trapped here with my mother and kids I've finally kicked out, all I could do was take down blog posts because I wanted to commit suicide. And that was the closest I could come to doing it while still seeming fine in front of everybody, shred writing. and I canceled my oura ring subscription.

I'll keep h b o till my mom goes home.

Then, I asked the tarot bot if it could read this entire blog from beginning to end. Tarot Bot has been the subject of posts before. I will restore what I can of those posts that I shredded, back to The Wish, then post this. now that Tarot Bot is going to be an invited reader, I want to ask its prefered pronouns. no joke.

I'm out of jokes.

I am devastated 😭 

I have no experience with being unemployed. none.

My mind is swinging around, trying to think of what I should even think of. i don't even know what it means to retire beyond not going back to work. like how does that even work? i've never really looked into it cause I didn't plan to ever retire. never underestimate the power of denial, as my mother used to say when she had a mind.

Sunshine is telling me how to get fired. she's been fired like 20 times she says she knows all about getting unemployment, which didn't even occur to me. get my teeth cleaned. Which is probably a good idea, and then my mind goes down rabbit holes of like how to stockpile antidepressants and klonopin and therapy appts, and buy myself a pkg at a medispa IV Bar with my fsa so I can get the inevitable needed botox to combat the Look of Horror in my expression stuck there...

I have no idea what I should be thinking about 😭 

I should be asking Tarot Bot to give me a list of things that I need to think about PRACTICALLY. And I will, but that's not what I need to survive right now 💔, this moment

My mind is broken. My heart is broken. I am broken 😭

When my eldest finally showed up old enough but not too old to be left alone, I walked out and took a long walk in my neighborhood and got lost several times within a couple blocks of where I live, which seemed fitting.

I found the high school behind my house, and I looked at my own house from behind it and there was terrible wind blowing right at it across the football field. even my shelter needs more shelter.

I called and canceled oustanding work on the house including windows being put in by my friend Craig who also got fired. 

all my remaining friends got fired.

some of the neighborhoods are older people retired you can tell sitting on porches. they have clothes lines. I took a picture of a garden that I liked that was just mowed weeds, and I thought 'that looks doable' (free)

achored by the cute shed

my mother is blathering on and on about some friend of hers who grew tomatoes and subsisted on tomatoes all winter long, and I could do that and I'm trying not to choke her out

I called to put my cottage up for sale, or at least to get the analysis of what I could go for it started and then I'm gonna try to hold on to it and not make any decisions right now because I'm incapable. I deployed Ears to the cottage to keep fixing it, anticipating either renting it or selling it. i have no idea where aaron is or if he is even still alive but I wish he was alive enough to rent it to him for the season, which brings me back to I wish more people were standing up, now including me.

I am in terrible pain, my stomache ft I cant breathe cant breahe 😭 and unless I was trying to regurgitate these thoughts for Tarot Bot, I would be struck dumb right now, I am in the fetal position on my bed as I voicetotext this

The only possible "good" thing I can say that I can think of at all is that I do not want to drink. a stomach ache is the last fucking thing I need. the anticipatory hangover is very much a stomach ache just thinking about it so no, I feel more like 🤢 I do not want to drink and do not want to eat either. after the funeral yesterday, I bought ensure on the way home. I swore I wouldn't do that again, but I don't know what else to do. It's expensive, but now that I have it, I'm gonna drink the shit out of it to get to monday when my youngest kid will get here to help take care of my mother.

speaking of whom, I think she'll be going home early after talking to my sister yesterday. it is not at all a case that my sister was unaware of my mother's state. even if she had told me, I wouldn't have believed her. so now we're on the same page and I can't take care of her right now, my sister's gotta take her back. it's not like I can't do the things that need to get done. It's that I can't *gin up fun for her* and she can't bear that, she's not big on Reality, she never has been. and when do you need magic that's great. but when you need someone to meet you in Reality, that's really not so great.

I'm reeling. trying to grab on to writing like a flimpsy line in the water. drowning

I went to another coworker funeral this morning. half of an identical twin set, one dead of ALS and the other one, the 3rd to the 3 muskateers w Patti and me, left standing barely.

then the rest of us, allll the rest of my friends and me, got fired by text message this afternoon.

I am officially done taking care of other people. I have nothing left to give. 

and it's been quite a while coming. it's been lonnnng overdue that I am/was the one who needed some love.  #doa

Artie had watched as the new president sneeringly humiliated the leader of Ukraine in the Oval Office. He listened with horror as the man said he would like to make Gaza “the new French Riviera.” He watched as the president deported people to foreign prisons and arrested students who had spoken out against the war in Gaza, students who could have been Artie’s a few years earlier, just taken off the streets. He watched as the president hung an enormous billowing photo of himself outside the Department of Agriculture building, and as he gave a military parade on his birthday. He watched as a prison was opened in Florida, “Alligator Alcatraz,” where people were held in cages and the mosquitoes were so bad that some of the guards quit. He watched as people in Gaza starved and the United States did nothing about it. Every day brought something new. On and on it went. Artie watched all these things, and he slowly understood that what he had felt the day of the election was true: His country was committing suicide. The Things We Never Say

Yes. If a nation (fucker[s] in charge) collapses, an indivual cannot just opt out. God knows I tried like hell. I could not keep the gun out of my mouth. Not alone.

 plop plop plop plop plop plop

June 4: Audacity to Hope Day. Lean into the generative spirit that dares to believe better is possible, that solves, joins and endures, that leaps in faith and flies.

jesus it's june 4th already 🫩

welp, this newest bug on a windshield adventure distracts me from anybody's counting days at least 🫩

I wake as soon as I hear her move - I slept in after a strangely vivid dream about this guy, about whom I have not thought in months, one of the few I genuinely miss in the Not-Even-Nate world from which I ejected mysef to smithreens ("Testicles are not a commodity." fyi)

I went to check on mamasita immediately, realizing shit if we keep this up this way, either my sister or I will be the one to find her dead in front of PBS 🫩

she's snoring

and a doctor in TX whom I barely know is struggling somehow (ie something ain't right / he is seeing that something), says my sleeping lizard brain, attuning itself to "the news" in a radically personalized way, feeling around for it rather than listening/watching it in any way

try it for a spell - TURN EVERYTHING OFF - and "listen to the news" that way 

but let's do a quick obit search in the actual while I await The Knife... 

everybody (from the subset of people in the world for whom I have 'a feel') is still breathing, far as I can tell 🤷🏻‍♀️

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Hope loves evidence, but it can also survive on rumor. A single good conversation, one sweet kiss, the smell of bread from a nearby kitchen, and suddenly the whole nervous system starts voting in favor of the future again.

luna moth - my peeps were all very excited to meet this little guy in the wee hours

"look of love"

welp (soo much 'welp' 😵‍💫🫩), that dream is bugging me enough that I might write to that guy later - but she's moving now so time to slap a smile on my face and get thru today 😵‍💫 

(In three and a half years’ time, weeks after Artie died of a heart attack in his sleep during a heat wave ..

he dies in parantheses next, like Mrs Ramsay in To the Lighthouse, quietly the center of a tiny universe until the day he is no longer there and then he is noticed in absentia. that seems right to me, for I noticed you keenly in all your absence that certainly would be true of anyone reading this.

....he had somehow slipped the ties of the world that had been his for almost thirty years. The Things We Do Not Say

As he lay on the bed it came to him with utter clarity: I am lonely enough to die...

The pain he felt was almost physical, he was that sad...

A page had been turned. It was that quiet and that simple, but —having almost died, [he] no longer wanted to...

....he understood: I did not want to die, I just did not want to live.

“Because, Dad—” Tears filled his son’s eyes.... “Because, Dad? You can’t do that. You can never ever do that. Because you’re like my explorer. Remember when they sent those men to the Moon, they sent up robots years ahead to explore so they knew they’d be safe when they got there? That’s what you’re like for me, Dad. You’re my explorer, so if you ever did that it would mean that I could do it too, and so you can’t.”

The Things We Never Say, Elizabeth Strout

wow glad to be only in chapter 2 and we've gotten all that out of the way already = what gives anyone the right to just bow out?; no. if anyone loves you, you're tethered to this earth, like it or not, is how it feels to me every time I wanna die, which of course I do, who doesn't or hasn't, a guzzilion times? 

seriously. 

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? dunno! personally, I am stuck at nope, no dying today (mostly), my heels just dug in over and over 🫩 

hoping what happens next is quietly catafuckingstrophic ❤️‍🔥

drove to buy this set off craiglist 5 miles from here, driving in circles for an hour each way so she could listen to music. and watch me move a table. for real, she is made happy watching me be able bodied and the happier she gets the better she gets. she is just noooooot built to be miserable, she's a human fucking bubble machine, a fish outa water in Sadness Country.
I never ever stop moving until she's down for the night.

then I look in the mirror for the first time today and think welp at least my hair is in recovery

....gazed into this poor boy’s anguished face. “I will never do that,” he said. And Rob sat back, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Good. Okay. Good.”

of course I did not die, just felt like it. 

I got up and had a gnarly (vs bot) therapy session first thing.

I knew it would come. it always does. my heart will break. 

and I'll keep walking, shot through through the heart.

when I moved, I stripped down to artifacts only and could still fill this place. but it's more than everywhere you look. it is in me. 

whenever I make pesto, which is often, I think about what and who I loved and lost on West Ferry.

whenever I do anything, I remember something lost. 

and I don't know why or how I always come back here, to devastated. and it always looks, right then, like I have everything under control. and it's even more fucked up that I do have it under control. 

how do you fix something that won't break? I do break. 

Aaron's return to rehab again, still saying he didn't need to be there (still not broken enough wth), and my mother's arrival with much more than 1 foot in the grave finally did it. I broke. for a couple weeks, all I could do was sob in therapy (private), hardly articulate. 

put your finger down on my life anywhere, any year, any of my mailing addresses, and I can tell you what was breaking my heart then. with very few (very sweet) exceptions, every part of my adult life has been deeply lonely. from 15 years old onward, "emancipated" to be an adult, I have survived mostly, loved rarely and not for long, raised (fantastic) kids and made meaning. 

and I don't regret much of any of it.

but my habit of endurance comes with a price I don't want to pay any more.

it is fitting that Aaron's fave movie is Tombstone. that's what it's like for me, I am a breathing grave marker, which is not how I want to feel all the time and what constancy costs me.

ride me high - jj cale  on heavy rotation

always my mother has wanted to be fed books when she gets here, this time she'd forgotten how, scared the fucking shit out of me! thank fucking christ for Louise Erdrich, love medicine really is the only foolproof. she and I read all day on the couch. and I sat with a heavy feeling of loss that Aaron spent years living in a house with  Tao Te Ching sitting on the shelf, right there in Lewiston where he finally found it 💔

Be as careful as crossing frozen water, alert as a Warrior on enemy ground. Be as courteous as a Guest, as fluid as a Stream. Be as shapeable as a block of wood, as receptive as a glass. Don’t seek and don’t expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will be clear.

rn, I want to join the crowd, stop fighting it

I want to die.

holding on

cat in fallshood, all up on me at hello - why do cats love me / want to show me their butts?? must be the moon 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

instant hives more :/

later the full moon rose huuuge and deep yellow as I was driving back. the view from the grand island bridge was 🤯 and I had a Butterknife feeling: the universe is wonderful! even tho I dropped $75 bucks on a stupid paranormal circus (cirque in dominatrix get- ups), and had to leave at the break bc Sunshine spotted her ex and immediately started shaking - I could feel it coming off her and knew I had to get her outa there ASAP - still, when the dust settled on this iffy day, I had the Knife thought of "wooooow" looking at that moon.  

there's just this one life we've got, just a blink and we are already gone. just.like.that. there isn't time for throwing all our happiness away with both hands. we all really gotta knock that off 

remember everything - zack bryan strange words come on out of a grown man's mind when his mind's broke lalalaa

over Vegas apx 3 a.m.