time to switch gears

I gotta go get the kids to fill my own emotional tank before what is next

I booked a car for Montana with no refund coverage, committing to it - if everything goes tits up, then it will

wrote to book Tawista if she will allow it again - same, it will or won't but I will

over the weekend, I have to get my head around walking into a major surgery as the primary aftercare for I dunno how long and no back-up

drop the dogs off last on Sunday, then set my jaw (bc hers will be not be useable at all) and do what I have to do, whatever that is, til further notice

as long as nobody dies (I use that caveat WAY too much lately) it will either be fine in the end and just ("just") a trauma to heal. or it will be the first major regret of her life. one of the things I've learned now very thoroughly (like a cavity filled for days on end) is that I would rather be closer to the pain if it's one of mine, so I will be grateful to be in that hell knowing I would be frantic anywhere else

in hell, I imagine being always fine

hot n cold - katy perry Bug's song-gift for me today

by and by - caamp 

 "To write about a struggle amid the struggling. I know you don't like me to ask what's brought you here." ~Yiyun Li

self talk

man, I wish he was here so bad rn

this is the kinda shit that I never figured out so I just gave up - the 'closure' work - my instinct is not to go toward people in pain, at all, like I'ma dial 911 - unless it's family, especially a kid, and for my mother it was my dad. so this urgent wish to be nearer to him atm is, like, I dunno. see? I dunno what that is. even when all other threads between us are clipped, that remains, cz here it is. decoupled, obviously, from any other intimacy, still it's there. AND to be blunt, I did not have that towards other men I've fucked at all (hahahaha omg not even 🤏) cept maybe the Greek but oof he hated that so I repressed it from the get. Nothing like this. So, I mean, it isn't that I like to rescue dudes w broken wings or whatever like some women do. It's not because I am so inclined, generally. It isn't contingent on fucking, exactly. I just very badly wish he were here right now, crabby or drunk or day 4 talking like a sausage if necessary, asleep would be great, just safely where I could see him would be good. Be good for me, it's entirely selfish, I get that too. 

I dunno what I'm gonna do, nothing prolly, options seemingly none but wait, I am just idling high 🏁 alert (and smoking his housewarming blunt), staring into the fire, thinking at him, not these words, other ones, wondering if he hears them. then I wonder if he hears my mother. then wonder if so, does he talk back? then I shut up a while.

I gave myself a sunburn with the nicole face thing #dork

I am going to Montana for a week in July. With my mother, sister, neice - we've all watched Yellowstone a buzzillion times, the RIP fucking scenes a buttbuzzillion times 🤣. I dunno what possessed my sister. Intuition at least in part. She didn't know the only candle I found yesterday was for "cowboy getting" cz I need something warm and real and smells good, like leather. Like alive. 

https://homes-and-villas.marriott.com/en/properties/40456228-big-sky-cowboy-heaven-luxury-suite-6c

maybe there is an ideal porpotion of boot time : everything else = tolerable
what do u think?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Refinement involves repetition. It's a thousand small moves to polish the surface. It's the 50th read, the dozens of meetings, the comb-through, the edits after the final edit. Refinement is what sets you and your work apart.

ok but 50? I mean...

The statistical distribution of serious recovery attempts was highly skewed with a mean of 5.35 (SD = 13.41) and median of 2 (interquartile range [IQR] = 1 to 4). Black race, prior use of treatment and mutual‐help groups, and history of psychiatric comorbidity were associated with higher number of attempts, and more attempts were associated independently with greater current distress.

SO, either 5.35 or 2, not 50. 

It takes 5+ if you're Black. the average may be substantially lower than anticipated because cultural expectations are often based on AOD problems being “chronically relapsing” disorders implicating seemingly endless tries  English: if you're treated like someone who will relapse cz you're culturally coded as "like that", you're more likely to, and if you're Black that's how that goes. 

HOWEVER, the provider in this case is himself essentially, who has called the patient (also himself) a piece of shit umpteen times, with court documents asserting same to boot, so which 'model' of disease has his 'culture' internalized? The chronically relapsing model, presumably (?)

See why I don't trust this? On a weekend = high risk of "current distress" always. Globs or kids, it'll be distress. I gotta hope his mom is feeding him nothing but positive messaging - uhhh - my mom yea, his mom? She might be pretty drained herself by now w the dad foot and no iberostars, to be fair. 

This has nothing to do with "faith" in him. The cards are simply stacked against his being "ok" today. Impaled is statistically more likely. 

babe, thats only for pretend!!

in my mind - ken presse throwing some crows at it

mint tea - johnny blue skies "bandaids on bullet wounds" sounds like Huck's next R&B album 

"yesterday was the most contented connected happiest day of my life so far" 10-11-2011 

Some things never change, like twenty minutes waiting on her fucking hair-do .... reading astrology, Neptune started shit in 2011 ... 

After telling her about this supposed huge celestial event, and rereading the related year as she dicked around with her clip-ins, I declare 2011 was worth its weighted blanket in gold. "Are you sure you know what the full price is yet?"

😳 🤔 I do not. 

What I do know is: He is sick. Helpless / useless re that is hard on me. Like a deathly sick kid only different but not that different, and I can provide no comfort. So I want to be home alone with my Worry under a plush throw making 🫂 collages.  

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's wise to acknowledge the limits of one's own knowledge. You avoid the moral or intellectual self-righteousness that might narrow thinking and shut down learning. People who stay curious and open tend to be more constructive than people who are rigidly certain.

That is exactly how I wound up hanging out with witches. Radical left turn into ways of thinking/being/knowing that were foreign to me. If I knew everything, I figured, shit would never fall apart, so obviously I need to know a bunch of stuff that I don't already know. Logically. Right? 

Today, I have to pay the price for yesterday. I don't mind doing that, I just don't know what all it will entail. Hanging out with a voodoo priest that Sunshine wants to hang out with is part of it, across the border in my more reliable car, at a bookstore that's really a bar that's really a conjure craft space in disguise, where I can buy candles. Fun fact, 7-day candles are sold out here. Seriously, unless you get lucky with goya, the only kind that you can get are at the dollar store (shit).

I have used every devotional candle that I owned. I've said all I've got to say to Mary right now, and her candle last night was flickering like a motherfucker, which I took to mean she's already "on it" and meeting resistance - i.e. she doesn't need me up her ass. So I'ma going across the border for the first time in honestly I don't know how long, and not going to IKEA (!), which .... well I am in new territory, put it that way. And I have to wear a skirt because on the way back she wants me to change my energy by meeting a salsa instructor 🫩. 

Those are some personally high prices to pay for new candles and some herb plants, just sayin' lol. But a million little things "ain't gonna do theyselves". 

pour booze down the drain / have these stashed from the Italian market in the falls - does that gesture make any sense in a world where I couldn't feed him soup anyway? It only makes sense if you can imagine the world between us, all around us, filled with threads. I snip one and then pull another one through, make a knot. Do that enough times in enough ways, and you have woven something new entirely, eventually.

song tbd 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless you've been through it, you have no idea what it feels like. And unless you've loved such a person, you don't know anything about that either. 

I can see from the spelling he's shaking. 

It's day 3 now. Past the hairpin turn of day 2.

We'll be counting days this time. 

Can you imagine 365 days? In that time, if you do some version of full monty quit: telling Everybody to put eyes on your self, out the silent suffering closet ya go (hey, you didn't transition, and even if you did 🖕), the right antidepressant so your junk works n you don't ideate beyond what is literarily necessary, vitamins, real therapy. You can feel sound again. And anything might happen. You might accidentally get kinda hung up on an ex whom your mom adores and try to perform soul-cpr via dream fucking. And/or date therapy chickens (fish, goats, cats, a rescue horse), ya never know. Anything!, z'all I'm sayin, the world's your oyster 🦪. At the very least, it could have oysters (or clams) in it.

her: we could ...

me: no

her: how about ...

me: no

her: well what are you doing?

me: freezing and waiting for a final death blow 

her: hahahaha, we could...

me: no. look, there is no way I am putting on liptint. Not even for you 🫩

her: hahahaha okok that's fair, what if I brought herb plants? 

me: I told you, I couldn't find any

her: I promise we have them up here, poor people don't buy that salad eatin bitch stuff up

me: ha ok, I bought sweet windowsill pots, it's making me weepy 😪

her: dill?

me: maybe look for chives

her: ya know you can regrow green onions 

me: 😪

her: awwww, ok I'll find you some herbs

me: and get more candles

Voila hoodoo. Bwitches come through when your ask is real. Cuz we do not ask in the first place, do we eh?

This isn't a spell, although I don't think the chives hurt as a typical charm offensive. There are two reasons for doing this kinda work. Both are for seeing 👁 in the dark. 

#1

What I scry (see): Some of the flames are steady. Some are sputtering. There are a couple that I've had to relight twice. Those things have to do with faith in it. 

Walt Whitman hasn't flickered once, not once. 

"I swear the earth shall be complete to him or her who shall be complete." is what that says. The statue itself stands for "this is not the easiest thing I could have done (for you)" - neither wavering at all

#2 

Sometimes the body/mind is too sick and the soul has to go someplace else for a little while. Someplace safe until the body feels better to come home to. You "leave a light on" so it can more easily find someplace warm to hold up. In one of my all time favorite stories, a dog recognizes the need for this and gently scoops a soul up and holds it against the roof of its mouth and doesn't bark until his person recovers. Then it just says "Hi" (woof) to let the soul out.

I know how to need that so 👁's trying to give it.

touch and go - drayton farley 

I honestly for real wonder what it feels like - does it feel like anything? - when a witch hones in like this on you. Puts on you healings that she prescribes, concocts, applies. The sporadic jump off the table hug, I kinda have gotten that from you, kinda a few times. And you don't lie back down either. Hear me out: if you grant that a person has mind body and soul, then logically each needs a different specialist. (I would add HEART to that, its own 4th wheel deserving of acknowledgment.)

If we barely have doctoring enough for the body, where does the rest go for triage? Or is everything else just supposed to just die, vestigial? 

I'm unrepentently not convinced that only a (sad) heartbeat counts as alive enough - conceptually, ethically, intellectually. And god knows not viscerally. 

the Polish spice + and his mom gave me that crystal

amaryllis REbloom, phallic energy obvious

baby, I just need you - riley green

you won't die, I planted chives 

"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed." - Hunter S. Thompson

Fear is the mind killer. Been whispering that to myself since I was just a girl. It usually works. But it doesn't work on Worry, that is a whole different mind predator. 

you know I know - sam barber

"weighted blanket"