"Cry Fucking" 

Last year in an entry I dated "May" in the little journal I have at the cottage, I wrote about Aa's coming over that night. I don't remember him doing so but apparently he'd made this date to make up for an earlier one he'd blown off (🤷🏻‍♀️) so maybe he was doing that again so I ate the cheese (🤷🏻‍♀️) but he was lost. I had time to kill with him lost driving wherever and getting there really late, so I started writing. Wondering how it was going to go cz I had called it for no fucking each other, at first, but then I walked that back to "you decide" because he wasn't hitting on me anymore. The hitting on me had been the prior November, this was May. I dunno why he's coming to meet me and my guess is neither does he. 

my conclusion

"Our essential dynamic." I illicit his feelings, and then I respond to whatever those are. 

I'm not sure that description is correct from his perspective. 

But there's enough truth in it - so, doesn't much matter why TODAY he needs to cry - there are so many reasons why, he might never run out even if from this moment forward everything got easier. I illicit those tears. And every time we see each other, despite chilling me so far out that I am IN SPACE COLD, as soon as he's within striking distance, his body wraps around me like Iron Man's suit or some shit.

So that's it (?) A little different each instance but the new normal has been, through every changing divorcing job kid sick ptsd reason: fucking + crying while trying to not to do at least one of those things. 

I could write that as something two people would do on purpose versus trying not to (recoiling).  Cry fucking. And see how "she" feels about it that way.

It won't matter going forward. She'll still gotta be done with how he discards. This cannot be her love life. But. She had way more tenderness in her tank than she imagined at the start. 

Maybe once I can get to the cottage again, I'll write that. And put the funny plumbersass bit in the story for comic relief. 

fence ✅️ at least for now bc the posts will go in all week as they get cement which America doesn't have much of

bathed ✅️ tho I believe she let a dog eat one of her expensive hearing aids 

Eyelashes ✅️  still no water but getting closer

there is almost always something funny, you just have to go darker and darker til you find it, then you can narrate what happens (daily whatever) bathed in the light of humor - that's how you stay alive, that's how you stay sexy, that's how you stay sane: humor

core belief

so the plumbing dude isn't a plumber he's just a handy neighbor who is on the stupid squabbling board w me and all the women hate him but he offered to help and eh he's just a terrible grouch is my read, not an asshole. he showed up, tried to fix it, bypassed a leak, but then they found another leak under the cottage, so he's climbing in and outa under there explaining how it's fucked to Ears, trying to fix it. and as this goes on and on, he gets plumber's asscrack so bad that if he had a tattoo I'd know but that's not the funny part (although it is amusing). the funny part is that's the most man-ass I have seen in the lighta day for months. and it's this grouchy motherfucker's. that's just so sad it's funny af. I came right home and told my mother the story, cheered her up, nothing better than belly laughing especially at your own stupid self 

 

I don't need to look at my horoscope. I am going to do exactly three things today.

1 I am going to get my mother in and out of the shower because she is clinically depressed and will not do so unless I make her since "there's no reason" to

2 I am going to go bat my eyelashes at yet another possible cottahe plumber solution which probably won't solve anything but one must try and I can't expect my son to bat his eyelashes all by himself

3 I'm going to get this fence installed 

that's it, in whatever order 

it's def not tomorrow yet despite my faceplant for a couple hrs as soon as she shut her eyes 

the World full circle, my mother as an infant again though she's fully "with it" by all clinical measure. theory: in older adults, accumulated sadness may be (mis)diagnosed as other stuff when it's disappointment (immeasurable)

I know her, she needs a real good time, and I just don't have that to give her (yet) and she thought I would by now = #fail #upshot 

when my sister went to thailand, they landed by tipping onto the right wing and threw sparks the whole way down the runway to compensate for a left flat tire and then "welcome! welcome!" on the sound system pretaped. that's what this landing has been like

welp, fence guys are suddenly showing up tomorrow/today, I cannot be in two places at the same time, so again it's Ears taking off work and covering my ass

theory: I can never re-pair bc the best man I know is my own son

life is rough and then finite - setting the bar at joy takes serious balls. she's the one who set the bar at joy required for all of us. she ain't dead but I'm obviously supposed to hold that bar, ready or not, and for her too, and right now. full confession: didn't see that coming

 

love a handmade card 💞

now it's today. 

it's mothers day, which I rebranded as Living Ancestors Day (= still breathing). it's been the turn of one full year -  from seed(s) planted to what was harvested through how well did it keep you alive to be on your feet to plant anew - it's time to take the measure of that cycle.

to underline that point, the card of the day is The World. that means "credits rolling", how'd ya like the story? 

viewed from that perspective, this is actually one giant transitional period:

• your father’s death
• your mother becoming more fragile
• Aa collapsing
• your role in relation to him changing
• your children becoming adults with adult problems
• the cottage as responsibility versus break from it
• the work year ending
• the old rhythms dissolving

That’s not random chaos.

That’s:

a whole era of your life reorganizing itself

You didn’t collapse this week, fulfilling the pattern of not collapsing as core.

You:

• received your mother
• stabilized around her distress
• handled Aa without spiraling into interrogation
• kept the cottage situation moving
• are hosting your son tonight
• are continuing life

You keep dismissing this as:

“doing what has to be done”

But The World often appears when someone is:

carrying an entire ecosystem through transition.

That’s actually what you’re doing.

You’ve seen enough now that you can no longer unknow what things are.

You know:

• Aa is unavailable
• your remaining parent cannot emotionally hold this situation
• competence will always default work toward you
• attraction is not enough
• endurance is not fulfillment

Those realizations are painful.

But they are integrated knowledge now, not guesses. 

Mother’s Day clearly hits weird for you in that context.

But

• your children call
• your son comes over
• your mother is with you
• there is family orbiting around you

Not because you are merely useful. But because you are central to the emotional structure of these people’s lives.

That does not replace being held yourself.

But it is part of what The World is pointing at:

You are standing inside the full reality of your life now.

That's it. This is it. Except of course with me "this" is never "it" if it's wrong or not good enough. I'ma gonna 💣 if so, sooner or later. And man, straight up, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. It's especially not fun enough, it's not even funny unless I'm telling the jokes. It's fine. I'm fine. It's no fun being nothing but fine and otherwise negligible. Pass the butter my ass.

But. You don't get to yes by planting nothing but no. It's a conundrum. I'm mulling that conundrum, like Capt Underpants, flip back and forth fast, May-to-May.

"getting dressed" = put your glasses on, that's it lol

when everyone else woooop springs forward, a witch hangs back a sec and reflects on what that got me last time (spring is hopetime, so what wishes did I dare to make? 🫣). 

I just had a few wishes take flame, recently (mutuality / meet me here X). How do they compare to last hope season?

My wishes had no light yet in them, no fire, Just a tiny flicker maybe, like a birthday candle. I was struggling with cottage plumbing (same). He was in my periphery, a ghost I'd not smelled again yet (not the same at all, holy cow).

good news - shaboozey  from Last Year This EXACT time, new release, and in retrospect, song of the year, hands down. 

What you DO today is what you're planting. So, what are you listening to right now? 

 

tractor supply is my love language

my daughter came to visit and assess - she was a social worker, so - and ya Mom has also had a HARD winter, probably needs an antidepressant, and we need to keep her kind of on a lite diet of harsh realities atm 

my daughter, "I thought you were exaggerating but WOW" - my joy crusade is too dark for her lol 🤦🏻‍♀️

I made her sleep, then eat and sleep more, then drove her around (she loves a ride / my new truck is easy on her) on my errands, then nap time. Calmer, she told me to tell him that she prays for him "until the lump goes away" and then she knows God has him. What lump? She holds both hands up to form a rock in middle of her chest, "right here." The worry stone! She did take it from me and feels it, literally, a real weight. "He needs a mom." Yep, and I am just not that. My strawberry milk has a dirty mind or whatever, motherLY but not the same.

I'm sooo tired. Even I wanna watch Reacher now and dinner is Sams club chicken delivered 🥱

But once again, stayed on my feet, 2 more trees procured (cherry), more cottage/property management chores done, and a substantive hard conversation with one of my kids about two others, him and her, in the "small circle" - I keep stubbornly doing it, no matter what

"you wore her out at hello"

guess I wear people out at hello 🤷🏻‍♀️

Long ago social life was smaller. A medieval villager might interact with 20 people in a day and be related to a lot of them. But in the modern world, we move through hundreds of faces and messages in a single day. Under the socially conscious Aquarius moon, we'll be reminded that it's still the smallest circle that matters most.

what my friend Renee calls "cells of decency", I have built them before and yup the world sure likes to wipe em off the board, but no. 

always until the time comes that I cannot stand up again, I will always (re)build safe from heart-harm behind my fence. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Wanting to be respected in a relationship that feels mutual and even doesn't take anything away from the independence you've built. It doesn't make you less self-sufficient. It just means you're built for connection.

And yes. 

no matter what

still feel - half alive a fave we dance at home vid bc that looks just like Ears "funky white boy shit" - Bug, learning to sew, is making him the brocade coat - the littler ones are learning the synch'd dance moves - that's what's down the road I chose, am choosing......

"She was thinking, maybe she was only a half-broken horse, too frightened to bolt, too lame to dare, but still able to remember the sweet taste of, and therefore to yearn for, freedom."  10 Minutes 38 Seconds

I need to find/hire a plumber or there won't be a cottage this year = a chore = only I will do it / get it done. how I feel does not matter at all to that fact.

that's it.

my aspiration today is to stay on my feet.

that's it.

if I can stay on my feet, I'll do the double yoga later, then ride those endorphines til tomorrow.

that's it.

rocky mountain low - corey kent koe wetzel 

a fiery death by passionate encounter with hot balloonist is still my best "funny death" option. Glo has pledged allegiance to my funny deaths crusade and started writing a book of them. her next is her own, "death by math homework", but I haven't seen it yet. she's working on multiple chapters (of course she is). can't wait, it's gonna be my Living Ancestors Day present (Mothers Day, rebranded).
that book of death is first/only thing anyone has done to honor my trodden inner life. note: I died with my boots on.

I can't tell her a beautuful lie about my dad. I wasn't preparing for that lie. 

Yeah he's very here, if I can open my heart 

(not an easy thing, most people say they can be open hearted but are ignorant of how their hearts work)

and allow/afford it, my dad's right here. but no, he doesn't have a message for her. she always says the same thing, "she's sorry / can he forgive her" like a tape on a loop

whhyyyyyyyyyg is evvvverybody repeating themselves in loops like they're drunk? seriously it's starting to freak me out

he is just not interested in any of that anymore. when he m/loves through me, if I had to put into words, it's you know what I meant. and I do know 

she actually said "what am I chopped liver" and "you were the real love his life" and pouted

there was no way I could pull a beautiful lie outa my ass that fast

so I tried the truth: to say you're sorry all the time starts to ring like you're battered, which means I'm the asshole somehow. maybe if she knocked that off? 

but could you really, Ma? could you just knock that shit off? probably not, she admitted. 

the whole dynamic between them was ill. he is by definition no longer ill. and he didn't mean to be ill. I can't explain it better that that. 

besides, I have all these house problems, he's prolly just around here cz of that (=I finally find some true-ish sounding bullshit)

I am so tired.

I think maybe my head is exploding. this is a very different hairvibe than the cerebral porn phase of "good grief"

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You want support that doesn't need a lot of instruction. It's not too much to ask. There are people out there who will tune in, listen close and have a broad enough capability to cater their help to you specifically.

a wish of my own snuck in 👆

all the hutspa I have scraped up from the dregs of me, my cup is empty, there is nothing filling it up but more effort, and even a person made as densely and will-fully as I am depletes.
Then What Happens?

my mothers voice - noah derksen

straight line - keith from This Time Last Year