Saturday, April 18, 2026

"Just as there is no such thing as absolute death, nor is there absolute silence, for silence, too, converses in its own language and dialect."

"Discomfort is not an emotional state but a doorway she easily passes through several times a day."

"It is vanity to assume that our mere presence can alter the course of events."

"It is an odd thing, to lose faith in the beliefs you once held firmly. How strange it is to have carried your convictions like a set of keys, only to realize they will not open any doors."

"There is an immense loneliness in his heart, where there should have been intimacy. He carries within him desires suppressed, secrets withheld. Love is a puzzle in cuneiform, one he has not been able to solve."

"Home is where your absence is felt, the echo of your voice kept alive,


no matter how long you have been away or how far you may have strayed, a place that still beats with the pulse of your heart."

"In the span of a sentence a storyteller can jump back and forth centuries, as if a millennium could pass in the blink of an eye. But then it takes hours to describe a single event, every minute a stretch, an eternity."

“You can’t know what is possible unless you try to imagine it first." (repost)

"I’ve been wanting to tell you. I think you’re a lovely person. It’s just so easy to feel lost when you feel low, like you’re drifting alone in endless floodwaters. But you’re not alone. There are many of us on this wooden Ark—sailing without knowing if there is land ahead. Sailing in hope nonetheless…”

"In the blackest sky there is a star glimmering high above, in the deepest night, a candle burning bright. Never despair. You must always look for the nearest source of life."

There are Rivers in the Sky, Elif Shafak


VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). For security guards, a good part of the job is just staying awake. So they do the rounds, walk the perimeters, do system checks. It gives a signal to themselves and the world — we care, we protect, we're ready.

YOU OKAY? 



















#moresilence #ouch




card of the day, a fave.
welp. all that is true again now - place, kids, animals, coins enough, as promised ๐Ÿ™ - and my mother will be back soon to fuss the flowers. I dunno who that dude is, or if he walks this earth at all; if he exists, he's gonna have to find me 


The Hermit

can you get to that? - mavis staples

Friday, April 17, 2026

grit reading / haiku assignment

"In the end, perhaps what separates one individual from another is not talent but passion. And what is passion if not a restlessness of the heart, an intense yearning to surpass your limits, like a river overflowing its banks?" ~ There are Rivers in the Sky


happy haiku day 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You express the poetry of your soul through thoughtful care and elegant precision. You notice what needs tending and quietly restore harmony. Haiku: Morning dew on wheat. A careful hand mends the seam. Order hums softly.

"constancy" 

assignment: write a haiku of you, holding together a wee 17 syllables

With the new moon in Aries simmering in your eighth house of intensity and sharing today, you could soon feel ready to get up close and personal with a new love paramour. Or you might strengthen your bond with bae and try out some new tricks (or toys) in the boudoir. Mercury, Mars, Saturn and Neptune are all gathered in this zone, prompting you to dive deep into strong emotions and transform something that’s been lurking in your psyche. Seek out the resources you need.

(the suitcase from the cottage under the bed atm?)

welp, I am doing nooo thinking so this makes sense, everything rn is below my neck. I took up hot interval weight training - HOT room, 110 degrees and humid, I do that then 30 min break to cool down, then a bikram class = 3 hours total. after all that, there is *no thought*, just an increasing awareness of my musculature such that I could probably pinch a dick clean off inside me if I did think about it 

hot and hard good


love is such a hard thing - noah derksen

bonus cover me up - morgan wallen same song, another voice

Thursday, April 16, 2026

Tuesday, April 14, 2026

cover me up - colton nordvic jason isbell cover (original is better), I love this song. short



weed dog biscuits for thunder-fear #thoughtlent

Monday, April 13, 2026

not voyager, artemis 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If it doesn't have a solution, it's not a problem. How long should you mull a thing around in your mind before you decide it's unsolvable? Twenty minutes. If nothing comes to mind, reintroduce that thing next week.

guess I'll take the week off

#thoughtlent



Sunday, April 12, 2026

the worry about him sits like a hot stone right on my ribcage. I am feeling it now because I am too weak not to because I spent all my weaponized fine on sunshine today and I have none left. 

Weaponized fine. sounds like a potential chapter title, doesn't it? it's when you have to be always fucking fine to the point that you are nuclear fucking fine. I'm so fine, it'd make your head spin.  since approximately that obit search which we'll repeat tomorrow night when Ears comes over for dinner inevitably.

welp. if the goal was to discourage me from wanting to fuck him ever, that has been accomplished. which only proves it didn't really have much to do with that in the first place since that doesn't do anything to remove this stone of worry. 

I am flummoxed by man's inability to see women as whole things. there's always a just before the word girl. I would bet my life that he would not let joe worry because he has not fucked Joe and that is just a fucking cunt hair off from a woman in that dude's case ๐Ÿคจ and yet. 

I should text that dude and see if he's worried. if he ain't worried then definitely there's nothing to worry about, he's just treating me like a girl. but I can't do that. can't or won't. won't.

sunshine says I'm a sucker. "if they's blocking you, they just on a bender, that's all" 

I don't think the word just belongs before the word drinking any more than it belongs before the word girl in his case. 

he has stressed to me over and over that he is hanging by a thread over Dead - that isn't me being hysterical, that's him telling me that and demanding that I believe him

now I feel forced to have the thought experiment that I've outlived him. 

I am trying to figure out how in the world this hot heavy stone on my chest could be a good thing because I'm stuck with it and I don't want to feel anything I don't want to feel which is like this. maybe I could learn to think of it like a cat, no claws unless I try to move it so I leave it alone (?)

I dunno what to do or think or feel about anything except dying is bad let's try to avoid it - that's it - and even that now I gotta be like "or not, cool either way"

I hate to admit defeat but 






















I'm scared. leaving me nbd he always does that ๐Ÿ™„. leaving me alive = leaving me for dead. that's different



"....every displaced person understands that uncertainty is not tangential to human existence but the very essence of it. Since one can never be sure what tomorrow will bring, one cannot trust Dame Fortuna—the goddess of destiny and luck—even when she seems to favor you for once. One needs to always be prepared for a crisis, calamity or sudden exodus. Being an outsider is all about survival, and no one moves foward by holding back." There Are Rivers in The Sky


if I was a cowboy - miranda lambert  

off to forage the Falls for Sunshine - her address is not one I'm hesitant to show up at like it or not, I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

If I was a cowboy, I'd be the queen

Woah-oo-woo, woah-oo-woo
Sittin' pretty on the prairie, babyI'm your Huckleberry...
found her - 45 min to Singer Farms and 45 min back, wawawa the whollllle time (ok, barf it up and outa there some more, I gocthu) (sigh) (how does anyone come back to the living and hold at least? there has to be a way, we've still got thriving to do yet ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿป‍♀️ even someone whose name is SUNNY ACTUALLY can see no light, it's like I'm living with everybody's ghost and finally, I'm like, fine we're already dead. I accept ๐Ÿ™„ whatever. but. if so, then there's nothing to lose and I'm back to stomping around. it's dis-heart-ening. we've all cried so
o god damn much)  and I got a Grav Gandolfini

Jim Beam stopped production for a year (The Great Sobering Up, called it)


Saturday, April 11, 2026

Grit, a novel

ch 11 "Velocity"




For every 3-4 "up critiques" like these, the editor sends 20 suggestions for improvement, mostly having to do with my tendency to write very densely. Sometimes I do get tangled up in claws/clauses. And then it makes suggestions for where the plot might go next that I never take, and in fact I rule them out. There is no plot. I just write and rewrite until the changes I make add up to a pattern that is recognizeable so that I myself can see what/how I am thinking. 

not true, there is just some truth in it; we forged a ride-or-die pact of recovery, that is why not "want"; that ride had ejector seats ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿป‍♀️


It's a beautiful day. I was going to go outside and play, but it's still so cold ๐Ÿฅถ. So I collaged the Empress card, then let this chapter bubble up into its words. Full on Virgo, all I did was make sense (art) today.

It doesn't have to be pure joy all the time, obviously. But like a really beautiful lie has to have some truth in it, this shit has to have some joy in it. And the darker the time, the sharper that joy has to become. 


You’re in full-on Virgo mode this weekend. (uh oh). You're thankful to be out of survival mode, but the lessons you learned there still apply, and you can conjure the vibe when you need to. (on a dime) You focus intently on what matters. All else shrinks to its proper size.


no springtime - allison russel ft joy oladokun & julie williams 

"when the Empress card appears, it is an invitation to take care of what is most important to you in a joyful loving way."
[image removed]

Friday, April 10, 2026

her name is Blanche

they took 6k off and threw in a towhitch and took the wrangler back as-is, and I still needed to pick up summer overtime (while at the dealership) to bridge the over budget I went (it is nice to have bosses who love me at the moment, I even got an uncomplicated straight-up "I love you" over the phone to boot), but the important part is it's over