the better part of bravery - the decemberists 

"I want to take my own life," Tootins said. "But I don't have the heart to shoot myself in the head. So I use this bottle instead." Tobasonakwut never gave up on his brother, despite the fact that he drank until the end of his life. ~The Reason You Walk, Wab Kinew

there she is

the "other" woman

makes sense. if you wanted to bond with such a woman, you'd have to do so uniquely. (and he's no easy walk in the park of a person either)

2010, they both got cancer

Ears hasn't spoken to anyone but me or a caregiver since 9/3. 

The compromise to seeing his father, finally, is Ears invited him to take a hot yoga class together for his birthday. 

I want yoga all the time. I am sick nearly to death of putting my self off around what is now a whole life of waiting for life to be able to happen. I am beyond 💔 and I "live" there now.

Nobody gets near me. Ears likes that natural bubble around me (even though I do not), and he stays inside it. I go to yoga, he sets his mat right next to mine. I am not dead (I think), but I am his guarding spirit as if I were already.

And then Ears threw a wrench: come and see me (do things that you cannot do). D-Nozl agreed. This weekend. Now.

I didn't see that coming.

Ears is an injured badass in that scorching room of relentless mirrors. I wonder if this father will have the ability to look at that. If he doesn't, I can tell, it will be a pretty profound reversal for Ears to see himself as the stronger man. It was a pretty profound invitation, from dead silence to that. 

Ears discovered gravity. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You know how a certain person keeps score: Every exchange must end with more on their side. Even if they are the only person around, avoid dealing with them. It takes effort to seek a different scene — worth it.

oof, that is 💯 a description of Andy, he can't even help it, it's just who he is. and ya having HIM be the dude texting me constantly is not the lifestyle shift I wanted at all. makes me feel like "maybe I only like cats" even more 😣

the National Endowment for the Arts bio page has a huge error - they say she lives in MN with 2nd husband and "their" daughter. there is no 2nd husband. there is/was a baby daddy, about whom she writes in Books and Islands. Tobasonakwut Kinew. Father of grandmotherly baby, Azure she's called mostly but she has at least three names. He's dead. Been dead since 2012, though the NEA seemingly mistakes him for alive and married to her as recently as 2018. there's prolly like 2 people left working at the NEA, so can hardly fault them for a shitty citation back to an obscure interview. I remember thinking "that can't be her hair" of the photo but didn't clock the cancer of 2010 intil after the fact cz she never wrote about it. Until now I wasn't in any kinda fangirl mode, I just reread the novels whenever I felt awfulest for 30 years, tattooing my brain. 

She didn't marry baby dady, either ceremonially or any other way. His obit lists someone else as his wife. In Books and Islands, she clearly respects him, he'a some kind of Native badass. Sun dancer. Outlaw. He also seems like a bit of a prick 🤏, or at least Not Around. The baby stays with her. He doesn't. 

He dies in 2012. No cause of death but a request in the obit for donations to a cancer center in Winnepeg. She gets cancer in 2010, recovers, and in 2012 she publishes The Round House and wins the National Book Award. She also revises The Antelope Wife - like Love Medicine, there are 3 of those, and I am missing the 2012 version (ordered it). 

It is possible that they both get cancer at the same time, but he doesn't get better.

It's also possible that they stopped seeing each other long before that, or not, or something. She never writes about him other than in that one little known travel book. She's palbably single mothery after Dorris, never linked w a steady dude publically. The Round House is a political book, and profoundly pointedly unsexy. Kinew was a politician. 

I am not sure what she did to The Wife in 2012. Does my paragraph survive cancer? 

While I wait for that book to get here, I am reading Kinew's son's biography of his father - we was some kind of big deal, a warrior for traditional cultural restoration. Maybe this son never knew about Erdrich at all or maybe I'll run into her here in a very out of the way book about Manitoba politics.

"Most of what I wrote about was my all-consuming emotions. I was someone who lived at a very high emotional pitch. ​"

You were a drama queen?

"A drama queen is outward. I was inward..."

every day

I am reading interviews, trying to find that thing about nurses. that 👆 is 2024, and she is wearing my clothes. like, I wore that yesterday. the harness boots, the wranglers over n slightly bunching at ankle, the black shirt, the silver earrings that follow the jawline. identical until you get to the hair. weird.

Her breast cancer falls almost exactly at the midpoint of what is explicitly called Erdrich's justice trilogy.

The three novels are:

2008 — The Plague of Doves

Wrongful lynching, historical violence, collective memory, and the persistence of injustice across generations.

2012 — The Round House

Sexual violence against an Indigenous woman, the limits of legal jurisdiction, and the consequences of institutional failure.

2016 — LaRose

Accidental killing, responsibility, restitution, grief, and forms of reparation that exceed the legal system.

Three different legal problems, three increasingly complicated questions about what happens after bodily harm. 

I finished Doves before circling the Antelopes. Doves is a fever dream of relationships impacted over time by violence. It is so nearly impossible to make any straight lines that I stopped trying to draw it out; the point is that despite intentions, what happens between people is often not up to them; they inherit conditions that are insurmountable. Reading it, I noticed, made the heavy rubberband ball in my chest squeeze tighter: I'll never get free of this / this is my last chapter and it will only get worse. 

That 👆 is how I feel when I can separate "me" out at all anymore. 

The 3-novel summary leaves out the fact that my paragraph gets stricken in that same timeframe. The Wife becomes the Woman in 2016. And I remember what Erdrich said in an interview (eliding the illness itself) about nurses, that they went about the business of saving her life without the burden(s) of feeling anything at all. I remember thinking it odd that she of all people would conclude that. And now I find it even more iffy - the first horribly unkind scene is in a hospital in The Round House, the nauseating dread that any kinda ER puts in your gut, the desperocity to be anywhere else. Hardly a 'business' devoid of feelings. Erdrich never writes about having breast cancer, but dread and blood and hopelessness seep into the stories. And, of course, everything is still related to everything.

Today, I will cook and clean and do all the needed things, of course as usual. Perhaps, if Ears is in the mood, we'll work on a jack-o-lantern. Current idea: barfing and half buried in stones = Rock-Bottom-o-Lantern. 

I need to get his mind off the cat, which has gone missing with Sunshine 😪

it's Ears' birthday 

breathing frosting

update: I didn't intend to take a pic of too-dense Righty, I was going for the dog, but perhaps I will start intending to blog my tits (fair warning!) while we're still together. you don't know how keenly you might miss something and wish you'd taken more photos, ya know? 

feels like someone cut my strings, could barely move all day, nothing got done, maybe caught something dunno 🛌 all I did was come to long enough to worry I can't be his only thing what if I get sick...

they sneak-attacked - Ears keeping Dball quiet and Janis butt-to-butt - just let her sleep, they all agreed, then we won't have to do any things

I closed my eyes for 5 more minutes and woke up 5 hours later. I could sleep 5 more. Since I already missed every meeting etc, I might as well sleep and sleep and sleep until need of a taco is overwhelming. "I can't tell you nobody will die if you close your eyes," says shrink, "but you will crash if you don't." A sunwarm rock is the most comforting fantasy I can conjure.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Consider that some people in your life remain dissatisfied because that's the way they prefer it. If they stay displeased, the other person keeps trying to win their approval, which lets them remain the judge and hold the upper hand.

🫩 😵‍💫 too much effort to ponder all those variables - whoever can judge  displeasure with whichever hand they use for that 🤷🏻‍♀️ - I really just want autumn color, a fall walk, to be in nature beauty, to sit on a sunwarmed rock

today, his utilities are turned off. another ✅️ 🤞eating the mountain one elephant a time or whatever

last night, I saw my own shrink. she was alarmed by 🖤, not myself, whatever that even is anymore, I am nothing, I am a walking to-do list, I bought a collander 🫩. she says, ummmm how about we up that anti-depressant dosage? I honestly did not know I could do that, yes let's do that 🫩

people not-dying is hard to know how to feel about - your mind struggles to feel relieved or good or something 👍, but to do that it has to keep touching the hot stove of the original terror then pulling back pained-again. a loop. 😵‍💫

we agreed to walk through the big Vegas cemetary today, the birdfeeder has been abandoned. he can't do a lot of assembling small parts atm. his job is subassembly - there is no way in fuck he's gonna be able to go back to work til god knows when. 

he wants this

I want to go back to bed

following leaves, color, is what I want (need) to do. what can he do, I do, to do that? gramercy north, suggests fuckergpt.

The cottage is closed.

"A dog’s-eye view of history, includes certain details that human people might rather skip. I have no illusions. Humans are capable of anything." (and everything) (and nothing)

baby turtle in the garden

 “SO KLAUS, NOT too long ago I overhear these three dogs. A Ho-Chunk dog. A Sioux dog. An Ojibwe dog, too. They’re sitting in the veterinarian’s office waiting room talking about why they’re here. The Ho-Chunk dog says, ‘Well, the other day they were eating that good stew they make, just lapping it up right in front of me. That night they put the cover on the stew pot but they forgot to put the pot away. So I sneaked into the kitchen and I took the top of that pot in my teeth, set it down careful, and ate all the rest of that stew. Then I got in the garbage and ate the bones and the guts of everything that went into that stew. Then I wanted to sleep but oh, by that time I had the worst stomachache. I just had to go. I barked, but the Ho-Chunks, you know they sleep good. They never even stirred in their sleep, so, well, I just went caca all over the house. Now, I guess, they’re so mad they’re going to put me to sleep. I guess I'll go easy anyways. What about you?’ “‘Me,’ said the Dakota Sioux dog, ‘I have a similar story. You ever heard of the stew the Dakotas make with guts? It’s mighty good, and my owner had a big plate of that plus all the makings for Indian tacos in his pickup one day. He was driving home and I was proudly sitting in the cab of the truck when he stopped. He get out, left me sitting there with all that good stuff, and I just couldn’t help it. I wolfed it all down. Every bite. Man, was it ever good! But then I waited and waited and my owner, he was having a good time, and he didn’t come back. I tried to hold it for a long time but finally, well, I just had to go. I went all over that cab of his pickup. Boy, when he came back, was he ever mad! He brought me here. I’m going to be put to sleep too. And you, what about you?’ “‘Well me,’ said the Ojibwe dog, ‘I was sitting on the couch one day just dozing off. I was half asleep and my owner, she likes to vacuum her house in the nude, she was doing her usual housework. She was working on the carpet right in front of me and usually, even though I’m not fixed, I’ve got a fair amount of self-control. But then she bent over right in front of me and I just lost it. I went right for her.’ “‘Sexually?’ asked the others. “‘Yeah,’ the Ojibwe dog admitted. “‘Gee,’ said the other dogs, shaking their heads, ‘that’s too bad. So she’s putting you to sleep too.’ “‘Gawiin,’ said the Ojibwa dog, modestly. ‘You know us Chippewa dogs, we got the love medicine. Me, I’m getting a shampoo and my nails clipped.’” ~ The Antelope Wife and Woman 

(the dogs' sense of humor survives, for what that's worth)

that water temp was prolly 🤏 dangerous, half hour after I got out I kinda warmed up to shivering, took a couple hours to get to just chilled then famished then crashed into the dark

it is very dark. and very quiet. and I am extremely alive, thrumming warm

hungry

"A European publisher once sent me a design for Master Butchers Singing Club that was all huge loops of phallic sausages. They were of every shape and all different textures, colors, sizes. I showed it to my daughter and we looked at it in stunned silence, then we said, Yes! This is a great cover! I have twenty copies left of that edition. Sometimes I’ll show one to a man and ask what he thinks of it. He’ll put it in his lap and stare at it for a while and then an odd expression will cross his face. He’ll look sideways at the women in the room, point the biggest sausage out, and say, I think I see myself in that one." interview, Paris Review

(then what?) 🤔 duh she writes a story, that's what

it moves, along the back, like a cipher (the candle wax remnants)

last swim, that circled nub is me

cold AF but there is nothing else like it

"He used to be ironic and jolly, always with a sly humor and a broad goofiness. But his fear of losing her has made him serious....[she] has no idea he has lost his humor because of her." ~ The Antelope Woman.

Reading, always reading, shrunk down like when I was a kid hiding in closets with a hamster and flashlight. In The Wife, what took his easy-humor away ("he doesn't remember he's funny", that's a thing that happens) is cancer, stage 4 chances, and she stays away, worried at a distance but cursed, she believes, to always lose when the stakes are highest. For the best she stays alone forever, she decides. He survives and talks her out of it. 

Here, in this version, her child doesn't commit suicide (accidentally, she didn't really mean it, but). And he doesn't get cancer. But there is a cost, as always. In this version she has no idea that she is illness - her worry, her grief, her stay-backness, it's withering them all. 

Does Erdrich bring that around? Or is the child kept alive a permanent price paid, repaid forever, by this mother? Does my favorite paragraph (survival ideology) survive, in any form?

[does he ever say anything as weirdly funny as let's "get under the covers with sushi" again?]

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The unfamiliar situation sends you searching for guidance. When none appears, you study how the place works and choose one small job you can do well. Your competence has a way of settling your nerves. You attract an admirer. 

I don't need more "admirers" 

Prior experience × present danger. If the caregiver already knows what addiction, psychiatric crisis, suicide risk, hospitals, etc. look like, current events aren't experienced in isolation. Present cues can activate old threat-learning. Sometimes experience makes somebody wonderfully competent; sometimes the same experience makes the alarm system exquisitely sensitive. Both can be true simultaneously.

"Here’s the real reason: Getting her children back feels like all the luck in her life is now used up. She doesn’t want to take any more risks. But I could have told her that from a dog’s point of view life is nothing but risks." ~The Antelope Woman 

I wake up already spinning inside what feels like saran wrap, tangling tighter. I keep moving - if you're standing in shit, don't sit down is one of my rules of thumb - but spinning is moving too. I can see already that for his sake and my own bandwidth, my successfully turning down the volume of immediate crisis has a cost - it will fade, has faded already, from the emergency response system in others' nervous systems (their BEMOANING wasn't helpful) - which is quieter but it leaves me alone with this now. I live with an adult (currently) disabled child who needs everything, right down to med reminders and side-effect management (like seraquil brain = halfday zombie, can barely track a thought til noon). He can't drive atm cz of that - can anyone else compute the simple resulting facts, such as no he can't just "pick up the cat today" because you decide not to be functional today(?) I don't get that choice, to just not-be-able. And nobody else has to compute jackshit.

And I am terrified-grateful he's breathing. So even tho I see all that 👆, there's nothing else I can do (feel) about it. 

The bar set at breathin - he's breathing, I'm breathing, you're breathing - it's gotta get raised 🤏 somehow. We can't stay here, can we?

how to not - zach somebody

status: migration/commuting, gotta go close the cottage for the year, cross that "gotta" off my list ft. shrink my world even more. "manageable" is merely breathin for me.

at the duplex - last one my mom could paint - I will walk past it, stuff that down, get the meters read, gas turned off, all the things gotta get done, and never see it again

Bug (lil lifecoach) prescription - we've been trying for a week - so far nobody has gotten much beyond the potato part

my sister (New Zealand)

 

I sent the pic of the dog and a tiny vid of Dball barking his brains loose to seal the deal. We are animal people. M. has been a CatLady always, fosters them, traps ferals and tames them and shit, and thru her/that, they can get their shit together for Ears for the cat - ersatz is one of TJ's fave words, it's like when you can't handle/have the whole/orginal thing, a smaller/lesser version might be for the best. The cat is their best, I'll take it, I will be very relieved for the poor cat who is "scratching himself bald" according to Sunshine, who then went dark. I cannot deal with her too, my patience is worn thin. The cat is a nervous wreck. So is the kid. Somebody deal with ersatz-Ears 🐈‍⬛️ for the love of 🤨. D-Nozl was almost tolerable for several sentences. M. is good for him. I've always been happy about their marriage, I figured she'd have him cleaning 6 litter boxes 🙏 

How is this my life? How does this make sense? I cook and cook and ponder, my mind unable to avoid nor fully comprehend the constants that it moves around and around.

Spiderlily asked me if I remembered this and I don't remember it. but when I looked on ebay, I found it right away / as soon as I saw it, I knew I'd had it, a fucking bunny cup, so I bought it again even though I do not remember it, because I've lost my mind 🤏 so any piece of mind is worth restoring

what happens Janis?

let my hair down and went to the market, wanting sunlight on me and more food to cook, crystal rainbow kisses through the windows. a wee break from pressing.

update: after I walked around soaking up banana peppers and adirondack potatoes, I called the cat's Aunty eM. Eggs will indeed be housing secured in CT shortly 🪄

wondering what happens after Trouble Shooting - I've forgotten

update: like magic 'you're going to have to take this cat' shut D-Nozl right up 🙄 - not gonna change the outcome, that cat is moving to CT the next time he steps foot in NYS. that's it, I am done 🪄

update: just as I think "ok maybe this can be a day off from the melee," Sunshine texts she wants to kill herself ft. can't keep the cat cz he's itchy. (siiiiiiigh) I've become numb to grippysocks nutbaggery, I can't anymore with this shit. why can't anyone just do what they say for more than one damn minute? 

f u n c t i o n (try)

I gotta disappear Eggs 🤦🏻‍♀️(siiiiiiigh) 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever spent time apart just for the pleasure of reuniting? 👀 A little separation gives each person fresh material so when you come back together you have something new to exchange. 🤠?

The landlady went smoothly.✅️ Ears' friend from work will get first dibs on moving in as-is, furnished with big TV and a cat tower. Or family downstairs wants to rent the whole place. We'll sort which it'll be by early this week and transfer the utililies. Wipe the slate and look at what $ he has left. He said sheepishly last night, it's payday and I think they paid me more than usual - is that possible? Yep, you got NYS disability too for September on top of the disability insurance payment. 

And I have paid for everything for a month + all the medical deductibles. I have been hoping all the paperwork was resulting in some $ kinda paychecks kept coming throughout all this. If possible, I'd like him to start his next chapter with 🤏 nestegg. Enough to feel intact, I guess.

At some point, "whew I survived " has to bloom into "yay I'm alive" - not today but what you've blown up must come down/land. He looked at his bank account, and he ordered himself jeans (bootcut). 

Today, I dunno. We gotta go to the cottage by tomorrow, time to close her up / one last freezing cold swim. But today, with the inlaws settled into wait-mode, we can stop running. 

I think I'll let my hair down and go to the farmers market this morning. Sing in my truck.

proof of life

I am very literal and material and embodied n shit atm. About well being. Does it feel well or not?  

song wanted, but music mostly left my kitchen with the migrating birds and troubles moving through 

buttprint wellness test

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). As Venus slows down, you begin noticing the labor inside affection: who remembers the details, who makes the reservation, who checks that everyone got home. This is useful information that may influence how you distribute your energy going forward.

😵‍💫

welp, that ain't schmitzful for damn sure. all they show up with is worry needing assuaged hourly (note to self: try not to do that) and reminders of it's HIS BIRTHDAY (the 7th) so WHEN IS THE BLUE FROSTING AHHH 🙄 jeezus christ

me: it's your birthday 

him: today? 

me: right? 😵‍💫 no, like in a few days or whatever. uh don't spose we could ask for a few car payments? 

him: oh, they want to know 🫩

me: ya and Bug already claimed your bday as hers remember? 

him: RIGHT so no problem

me: yes but there's no cake, no "party" per se, we were going with putting up a fuckton of holiday lights and a giant bowl of funsize candy bars for the cake

him: but I ate the candy already

me: you did

him: have them send a cake, that one from Wegmans

me: do you have any idea how much more work it is for me to assist them in buying a wegmans cake than it would be just to bake you a cake?

him: you're baking a cake?

me: today? no, I was going with brownies today

him: awesome!

me: you've lost the thread

him: 😅 ya sorry - what's the problem? 

me: pork chops for dinner tonight sound good? 

him: awesome!

it's like that, while I work from home, showing up at meetings w deans this morning (high impact sightings, so fewer needed), taking care of this that and the other thing(s), like spinning plates on (slap)sticks. today on my list is tackling the landlord/lease/utility shutoffs...🫩

having to do endless emotional labor for the schmitz clan is wearing me down. 

"ya dont have to count me among the things you have to mentally MOVE AROUND" - try thinking like that towards Ears, I finally suggest, exasperated. AND TOWARDS ME, I don't say, but I'm thinking it.

Ears and I did have one laugh today - the waiting room + Sams Club slice of life ft and the hair thing is so absurd even Ears was giggling cz there's just no NICE way to handle it - insane people are mesmerized by my dumb hair and then the guy who spoke zero English in the Sams Club (got a freezer, leaning in) except "beautiful beautiful" pointing at his head my head his head - at least that guy was kinda hot, color of onyx, but still, as Ears put it, giggling like hell, "I don't see how ya work that (🤭) unless you're headed to ecmc or getting deported (🤭)" I'm pretty sure that's ableist and racist jeezuschrist🤦🏻‍♀️ - at this point we're unhinged a bit - I definitely don't know how to socially navigate one word in common, to which I nod or shake my head (?) while Ears snickers 🙄. the woman with the drawn on whiskers was easier, we could briefly chat about her passion for origami at least.

I gained 4 pounds, right along with Ears. I figured it was about that much based on tit bounce-density, which I had tested today while he was at horizon for a while. mamos always fill me with raw terror, not the cancer part as much as the test itself, being trapped in the machine, clenched down on, I fucking hate it, so it felt like pricking my mental finger on purpose. a fearpain neutralizes a fearpain, short circuit, can't feel both at once. I didn't stay for results and won't go looking for them.

I am dragging us to yoga tomorrow no matter what.

fires

and food

all I want is you - the decemberists  coming out w a double lp tomorrow

there's a whole to-do list again today. we try to keep his to-do list short as possible atm. his care team agrees. we wrote together the polite "do not disturb" text(s) to his father last night. 

I told Ears the story of when I left EX, I sat in a chair one day and didn't move until I actually WANTED to do a thing - not cz it was next on a list or cz I had to or outa habit - looking for my self, what does it want really, even next right now? and I just sat there for hours til I had to pee / I really wanted to pee. sometimes you've forgotten yourself. he said (mostly to himself, as to a stranger) "what does it feel like to be bruno 🤔" and stared out the window.

I don't know that 👆, obviously. but I'm in charge of him right now, so we do it my way until he has a way: come back to your body first. the mind is weak, as smart as we all are that can be confusing, but it's true imo - it breaks, it lies to you, it is often helpless in the face of strong negative emotions, contrary evidence, brick walls - your mind is like the permanent child you have to raise, throwing itself to the floor in hissyfits when your body needs some apple juice and a nap. your spirit, let's assume it is entact, probably doing most if not all the work of keeping you alive. that leaves your body. it is present. get outa your head, ask your body what it wants. it doesn't want a drink, nope your pancreas does not want that until your mind trick(s)ed it, whispering like a gollum. see the diff? 

keep it simple stupid, I oft tell my self. try.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You put thought, labor and skill into the result, so of course you want someone to notice. (eh) Give people a chance to respond. (ok) And if it seems like they are missing it, or misattributing the credit, that's unacceptable. (eh)

fun fact: statistically, you're much more likely to commit suicide if you've seen your primary doctor for mental pain in the previous 72 hours. his care team told us that yesterday. that night, when I panicked and called huckforcats, we were dodging a bullet even more than I knew/know now. I am not overreacting to grippysock jail terms, in general, they assured me. (I have had every right to 🤯 over that shit.) 

I showed them the dr note - they'd heard about it, their whole operation had discussed what the actual fuck, looking at the artifact agog. and then delicately suggested it's a good thing I live here, not CT dad (right?). Yes. then we/he wrote the Do Not Disturb for a while manifesto.

they asked, When do the suicidal sparks (not intentions still, but remnants of HABIT) occur? "oh, like today driving past that one tree I was gonna wrap a very long chain around, then around my neck, open the back hatch and gun it to 100 mph." (👀) Did you get the chain? "Yes." (👀) Do you still have it? "No no," he laughs sweetly. 

me: your old jeep couldn't go 100 mph and now you're really not getting your car keys back for a spell

him: fair

update: it all got done. (being competent feels like a superpower 👀 now) we organize life atm around what feels like we're breathing most/ easy . we check: you breathin? you'd be surprised how often the honest answer is kinda.

recalibrate. 

we'll be back at the cottage Sat a.m. by way of east aurora farmers market aspirationally.

bro in law morale supporr

now it's today 

so far this morning my trip to Honolulu was funded, but the paper (re Erdrich) not (yet) accepted - the $ approval came from the president - in her weird punishing way, she's trying to be supportive, followed immediately with another "invitation" to "communicate" - I am ignoring it all for now

there is no way I am accomplishing any cottage closing prep - I am leaving it as is for now

too much

Ears, that's it, that is all I can do. I gotta move his shit (down/up stairs), over to my house vs a convenient once to a unit, figure out how and where to store it today. I gotta host his adult protective service folk today. I gotta open all his bills, cancel cable (they keep calling), shut off utilities, close that up by tomorrow. Everything else is back burner.

I am hoping for a yoga but being realistic, swimming Saturday is probably the next time I will be inside me / my body.

Virgo: don't think, don't feel, get it all done.

-_0 anticipating trouble, the witching worry hour wakes me.

maybe earth and sky could meet here and that's why I always wake up and check (?). 

when it's today, I will have to strategize empty apt / get alll that $$$ pc shit to safety very efficiently (thanks nlr nothing D-Nozl), host MTV at my house, turn off his unpaid cable ... AND roll the schmitzclan over on its back and rub it tummy (the lameness of the key thing, damning). and work. and none of that can show on me as wearing in front of Ears EXCEPT humor, grit. he can't help this, he's sick. so I narrate it back to him as bemusing, assuaging and removing all I possibly can.

so I wake, make lists, the soul of magic of the mundane

you're never coming home - tariq el masri better - sultry despite title

I'm gonna swim

 run - odd marshall we've mostly agreed no music. but a little.

update: the spider caught dinner (a yellowjacket) - #liveaction 

update: called my mother. she fell. Sis didn't tell me, and mom is ok except. not. the rubberband holding my heart together now feels like it's cutting off bloodflow 💙 

we had one of these in Lewiston -  "Pippy" for the striped tights - and we watched it, admiring its ability to do math #teachingattention

tradition handed down

VIRGO oracle weekly

A Zen teaching says, "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." But being the post-Zen teacher I am, I protest and say, "No, the chopping and the carrying ARE the enlightenment. There is no separate 'after.'" The sacred is ALWAYS lurking in the mundane, disguised as ordinary tasks. And you Virgos are potentially the zodiac's supreme master of this controversial truth. Others may chase after astral bling and transcendent glitter, but you know that divinity lives in the earthy details that are right in front of you. That’s how you transmute seemingly unremarkable stuff into the sublime. It’s time to wield your superpower to the hilt, please!

Yup. Attention to material particulars is a faculty of thought. Reading and mothering and loving and scholarship and cooking use the same cognitive operation: attend ferociously to the small thing(s).

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Show respect in the details. Greet people, keep appointments, learn the customs and give each occasion the attention it deserves. Good manners tell people that their comfort matters to you.

That is the me thing but I dunno how to do it more or better. I don't know how to send a text that says "thinking of you, hope youre ok" beyond sending that, which is lame. ARE YOU OKAY? I HOPE YOURE OKAY is not a text anyone wants to get from me on any given day, I don't think. If youre reading this, I mos def sent that text to you in my head (and here) umpteen times. I am doing it right now. And you can assume I would much rather make you a pie or a plate of spaghetti or put a heavy blanket on you, warm you some real-life way. I am not Louise Erdrich. Words fail me. I'm reduced to candles, a fragile little flame in the dark that feels woefully insufficient.

I can notice how a strawberry might change everything, given time enough. For whatever that is worth.

the version my students read - they love this dog full of grit

there - one little change to who runs to the store / fetches berries for the cake - if you follow the cake you find the additional kid whose errand means 

this never happens.

Has anyone else ever noticed? The changing kinship diagram, of course. Where the impact exactly occurs? At the cake ingredients? No. And what paragraph (food making as intentionally infused love ideology in The Wife) must go missing specifically because of the shift in berries? No. Not that fuckergpt can find, anyway. That's a me thing. 

When I feel like I am going to fucking die, I just can't help it I'm just gonna die 💔 now, I follow cats and cakes around in Louise Erdrich for dear life. And go baking cooking butter-making batshit.

I have blogged that passage from The Wife before. When I was a wife. And we didn't keep a kid alive. I came back to strawberries (milk), then and now, when something rocked my world enough to stop it entirely. It's not one of my favorites of the novels, but twice I've reached for that cake, this story, that paragraph, around a pain reverberating through my body uncontrollably. 

I don't know how to write about reading like that. So I put it here.