Craig will begin wall removal and install starting Monday and will be here most of every day for the following couple few weeks. Then E will have to fix the caved in ceiling for a week or so...
Human shield deployed.
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| "feed me" |
Tuesday, October 13, 2026
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| there is a pit in my stomach with his name on it, my body immediately responds to him negatively / distressed, like I swallowed a brick all'asudden. I think exes can be friends, but not that one 👆 |
In the text before this one he said "Well. That was sweet." dissing the yoga, finding ways to meangirl it. So predictable yet still my blood boils for a sec 🤏
Ears had to deal with a money thing today. He has to verify his identity over and over, and I gotta get pushy and blunt, these are huge triggers for him, $anything (to be clear, he was NOT bad at it, not like he FAILED at it, being good enough at it broke him). I know that. So we do one, then take a break for a day or two. This one was the car loan refund. Of course that needs rounds of nagging to actually get done. So breathe, I'll do the talking, you keep telling them I can do the talking, which went from Lady doing a "soft hand off" to Dude (each one explaining to the next this kid went to grippysocks) who heard me out and called the car dealership for me, like spanked the guy a bit, then called me back in 5 min saying "it's taking time, for reasons I didn't get into, but it should move along now". Done ✅️ $5169.90 And Ears stayed with it, saw the bullshit game it all is, and a lot of money 🤨 honestly people buy this crap warranty shit all the time, I tell him he got lucky going bonkers or he'd been stuck paying for it. And remember, fuckface 👆 gave him some $ down on that car so that's his money that I am taking hours to get refunded. Ears can't do this stuff yet, but he can understand it a little more each day. It is a feeling, a terrible being eaten alive feeling, but money is also just paper(work).
He also misplaced about 6k. TIAA. Pattern: he makes sensible choices then blocks them out because they're stressful. We found that $ with the MTS team talking us through it. One thing at a time, fix the thing. But priority is 💯 stay out of the hospital. Ears cannot afford much, his nerves are shot. I understand that vicserally. And my gut reaction to fucktardo 👆 is simply nope. I have been managing him a LOT outa necessity, but now nope. that ain't gonna be a thing. and no it's not best if parents have a 'united front' if one of them is a douchebag so don't even try.
after that queezy 'damn he makes me want a drink' physical reaction to his text thing passes, I decide I'll wait a few days then just reply "is it about the cat?" M will make sure he comes for the cat, I know she will. other than that ..
my point is, Ears is here specifically in part because of my zero tolerance of the devils 👆 presence and wholesale rejection of how he moves through the world. for this event / transition / phase of Ears' life, he's chosen to be behind my barbed wire in pondmaking world, where brownies bearing a full pound of reeces pieces appear continually. I joke but I am not joking. It is a magic place where Ears' father is not legally allowed to set foot. Wherever I am is that magic space, antiandyland antidouchebagzone, for my own sake, but as long as he is here, Ears will enjoy that zoning ordinance as well.
and if we gotta fuck off to puerto rico for a minute or whatever, that's what we'll do. be better if there were a guy around 🤔 gonna text Craig, where's my damn door? (and park your ass here for a spell.)
since all of our life is private, our intent is to restore a trauma-informed home evironment. that isn't done overnight. it took me several years. and sometimes it's missing someone(s), like a tooth gone from a smile makes you apt to smile less. if you're lucky, it's someone you haven't met yet so there's a hopefulness around the air pocket(s). or it's loss more likely. loss maybe of even [part(s) of] your self. but then you need safe habor even more. so either way, grieving or brimming, you build it. and as you do, what is missing is felt more. a set of hands, guiding spirits, whatever the absence.
he wants to build a mancave downstairs that's for playing. gaming obviously but more than that, playing, board games and...
me: and what?, just say it
him: fooseball
me: (virgo response) https://www.instructables.com/Foosball-Table-DIY/ then you'd have to make that first while all that's down there is a complete woodworking shop with saws n shit that you inherited remember?
him: I know, I just kinda don't know one saw from another :/
and my dad is gone, so, the "fix" for that is not obvious to either of us
me: I'll set an alert on craigslist
he builds a fire every day. I read. I am thinking about Books and Islands, which on second read is 💯 a biography of her lover. so much so that his own son's biography now reads like a rebuttal. hers is wholly private. his is a PSA announcement in which she is excised from the record. the woman carried in his mind and visible nowhere else. and she believes she is carried there, inside him, but she can't know that really. she writes it, in a buttzillion ways, men whose love is absolute if nothing else, even if in no way can you see it. read enough of that, you'd believe in that too.
me: do you remember the pond?
him: fuck yeah
me: do you remember me walking out that backdoor with a shovel?
him: who doesn't? and I can see where you're going, and yes.
me: like hand you a shovel and we just..
him: yes.
me: ok.
him: how did you make the waterfall?
me: the dirt from the hole makes a pile..
him: got it.
me: I dont't know how he did the plumbing...
him: we'll cross that bridge.
me: ok.
him: right in the middle of the yard, I can bury the electric from the garage back corner 🤔
me: ok. we'll have to put a low gate around it for the kids
him: we did before. that will always be true, there's always kids
me: somehow I have no people but always tons of kids
him: 🤭 I can see why ya like Mary, soo much immaculate conception
me: shut up
us: 😅😅
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| what's for dinner is a big deal. every small thing is a big deal, it could trigger comfort or safety or grief or love or humor or all that at once. everything that touches a person matters. everything made is by hand and thought about with 💞 |
my day took a shit, an upgrade at work midsemester just wrecked half of every workflow, I can't get into my classes, my boss emailed all my students to come to him today if they need anything from me. that is going to fuck up Wed-Fri royally. but today it means more cookie baking and reading, always reading. even Ears is starting to believe in my following the cat. unless Erdrich knew kwat before 1991, which I have pretty exhaustively proven she could not have based on his and her movements in that timeframe, she summoned him. nobody will believe that, but I am not interested in 'proving' it. Moses Pillager and his island of cats came first, and then came the man who fit his description almost exactly. how she did that is a spell that I got bound by too somehow.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Someone may want to spend more time in your home or become more involved with your family. Invite them closer at your own pace. You'll give a warm welcome, not a complete one. Parts of your life are private.
All of my life is private.
I don't only like books. But I can like them as much as I want.
Sunday, October 11, 2026
everything is a strategy game with him. you can't deal straight (why I hate him). so I don't know what happened actually. I dropped Ears off, they did the class, Ears came home directly aferward, smiling. he says they didn't talk afterwards except to discuss the plans for today (pork roast and mintchip brownies). that was it. and Ears is extremely satisfied with the outcome. he also got a massively expensive "Enlightenment" studio memership, which 🤔
you can't deal straight. everything is a zero sum game with him.
my bet on the game: Ears just got his father off his back and made him pay for it and has not much intention of going to yoga more than he was gonna anyway. (I think.) and D-Nozl drove back to CT with swampass finding ways to blame me (🙄). that's my bet on what happened today.
(update:upshot:yup)
Friday, October 09, 2026
we went to yoga. fri night is cheap if u pay cash. it's very very hot on friday, notoriously brutal with humidifiers full blast all afternoon before hand, the floor is covered in sweat when you get there getting mopped up, the studio feels like the mouth of hell. we love it. Ears says it makes him nauseous and weak in a good way, like throwing up makes you feel better only different. it's always crowded, full of people who feel like that.
I think a "unique bond" could result in being similarly/simultaneously afflicted, by disease or by whatever if it's bad enough. I think it could cause cancer in someone who has zero cancer in their family. That's entirely plausible to me, that one person could take another into their body, and I think that it happens all the time, we all impact one another all the time and feel it in our bodies. As dread, terror, grief for instance. And anger. That's why you should try not to make people feel lousy things, and if possible do the opposite. Of course other people can give you cancer. And they can heal you too, sometimes. There is no remedy for other people except more people. That is especially difficult to fathom for loners especially if their nerves are shot - they might just have to die over it 🤷🏽♀️ And Erdrich taught me much of this "way to think that is useful" as huckforcats put it, which includes sensibilities as beliefs. I realize I think/believe all this mid-class. And it feels like throwing up, or maybe like popping a zit. A stuck thought bobs to the surface.
I actually believe that 👆. I don't believe that is what happened to her. I have no idea. But that doesn't matter. I believe it, is what's important. And I've taught that shit to thousands of other people. I've got 80 people reading The Roundhouse over Thanksgiving so they can feel conflicted about Thanksgiving, which most of them do feel for one reason or another or another or another. It will seem entirely plausible that a feeling could kill you, fast or slowly, if you hang out with me for a spell.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.” ~ Louise Erdrich
"I want to take my own life," Tootins said. "But I don't have the heart to shoot myself in the head. So I use this bottle instead." Tobasonakwut never gave up on his brother, despite the fact that he drank until the end of his life. ~The Reason You Walk, Wab Kinew
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| there she is |
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| the "other" woman |
makes sense. if you wanted to bond with such a woman, you'd have to do so uniquely. (and he's no easy walk in the park of a person either)
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| 2010, they both got cancer |
the better part of bravery - the decemberists released today
Ears hasn't spoken to anyone but me or a caregiver since 9/3.
The compromise to seeing his father, finally, is Ears invited him to take a hot yoga class together for his birthday.
I want yoga all the time. I am sick nearly to death of putting my self off around what is now a whole life of waiting for life to be able to happen. I am beyond 💔 and I "live" there now.
Nobody gets near me. Ears likes that natural bubble around me (even though I do not), and he stays inside it. I go to yoga, he sets his mat right next to mine. I am not dead (I think), but I am his guarding spirit as if I were already.
And then Ears threw a wrench: come and see me (do things that you cannot do). D-Nozl agreed. This weekend. Now.
I didn't see that coming.
Ears is an injured badass in that scorching room of relentless mirrors. I wonder if this father will have the ability to look at that. If he doesn't, I can tell, it will be a pretty profound reversal for Ears to see himself as the stronger man. It was a pretty profound invitation, from dead silence to that.
Ears discovered gravity.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You know how a certain person keeps score: Every exchange must end with more on their side. Even if they are the only person around, avoid dealing with them. It takes effort to seek a different scene — worth it.
oof, that is 💯 a description of Andy, he can't even help it, it's just who he is. and ya having HIM be the dude texting me constantly is not the lifestyle shift I wanted at all. makes me feel like "maybe I only like cats" even more 😣
Thursday, October 08, 2026
the National Endowment for the Arts bio page has a huge error - they say she lives in MN with 2nd husband and "their" daughter. there is no 2nd husband. there is/was a baby daddy, about whom she writes in Books and Islands. Tobasonakwut Kinew. Father of grandmotherly baby, Azure she's called mostly but she has at least three names. He's dead. Been dead since 2012, though the NEA seemingly mistakes him for alive and married to her as recently as 2018. there's prolly like 2 people left working at the NEA, so can hardly fault them for a shitty citation back to an obscure interview. I remember thinking "that can't be her hair" of the photo but didn't clock the cancer of 2010 intil after the fact cz she never wrote about it. Until now I wasn't in any kinda fangirl mode, I just reread the novels whenever I felt awfulest for 30 years, tattooing my brain.
She didn't marry baby dady, either ceremonially or any other way. His obit lists someone else as his wife. In Books and Islands, she clearly respects him, he'a some kind of Native badass. Sun dancer. Outlaw. He also seems like a bit of a prick 🤏, or at least Not Around. The baby stays with her. He doesn't.
He dies in 2012. No cause of death but a request in the obit for donations to a cancer center in Winnepeg. She gets cancer in 2010, recovers, and in 2012 she publishes The Round House and wins the National Book Award. She also revises The Antelope Wife - like Love Medicine, there are 3 of those, and I am missing the 2012 version (ordered it).
It is possible that they both get cancer at the same time, but he doesn't get better.
It's also possible that they stopped seeing each other long before that, or not, or something. She never writes about him other than in that one little known travel book. She's palbably single mothery after Dorris, never linked w a steady dude publically. The Round House is a political book, and profoundly pointedly unsexy. Kinew was a politician.
I am not sure what she did to The Wife in 2012. Does my paragraph survive cancer?
While I wait for that book to get here, I am reading Kinew's son's biography of his father - we was some kind of big deal, a warrior for traditional cultural restoration. Maybe this son never knew about Erdrich at all or maybe I'll run into her here in a very out of the way book about Manitoba politics.
"Most of what I wrote about was my all-consuming emotions. I was someone who lived at a very high emotional pitch. "
You were a drama queen?
"A drama queen is outward. I was inward..."
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| every day |
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| I am reading interviews, trying to find that thing about nurses. that 👆 is 2024, and she is wearing my clothes. like, I wore that yesterday. the harness boots, the wranglers over n slightly bunching at ankle, the black shirt, the silver earrings that follow the jawline. identical until you get to the hair. weird. |
Her breast cancer falls almost exactly at the midpoint of what is explicitly called Erdrich's justice trilogy.
The three novels are:
2008 — The Plague of Doves
Wrongful lynching, historical violence, collective memory, and the persistence of injustice across generations.
2012 — The Round House
Sexual violence against an Indigenous woman, the limits of legal jurisdiction, and the consequences of institutional failure.
2016 — LaRose
Accidental killing, responsibility, restitution, grief, and forms of reparation that exceed the legal system.
Three different legal problems, three increasingly complicated questions about what happens after bodily harm.
I finished Doves before circling the Antelopes. Doves is a fever dream of relationships impacted over time by violence. It is so nearly impossible to make any straight lines that I stopped trying to draw it out; the point is that despite intentions, what happens between people is often not up to them; they inherit conditions that are insurmountable. Reading it, I noticed, made the heavy rubberband ball in my chest squeeze tighter: I'll never get free of this / this is my last chapter and it will only get worse.
That 👆 is how I feel when I can separate "me" out at all anymore.
The 3-novel summary leaves out the fact that my paragraph gets stricken in that same timeframe. The Wife becomes the Woman in 2016. And I remember what Erdrich said in an interview (eliding the illness itself) about nurses, that they went about the business of saving her life without the burden(s) of feeling anything at all. I remember thinking it odd that she of all people would conclude that. And now I find it even more iffy - the first horribly unkind scene is in a hospital in The Round House, the nauseating dread that any kinda ER puts in your gut, the desperocity to be anywhere else. Hardly a 'business' devoid of feelings. Erdrich never writes about having breast cancer, but dread and blood and hopelessness seep into the stories. And, of course, everything is still related to everything.
Today, I will cook and clean and do all the needed things, of course as usual. Perhaps, if Ears is in the mood, we'll work on a jack-o-lantern. Current idea: barfing and half buried in stones = Rock-Bottom-o-Lantern.
I need to get his mind off the cat, which has gone missing with Sunshine 😪
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Tuesday, October 06, 2026
update: I didn't intend to take a pic of too-dense Righty, I was going for the dog, but perhaps I will start intending to blog my tits (fair warning!) while we're still together. you don't know how keenly you might miss something and wish you'd taken more photos, ya know? feels like someone cut my strings, could barely move all day, nothing got done, maybe caught something dunno 🛌 all I did was come to long enough to worry I can't be his only thing what if I get sick...  |
| they sneak-attacked - Ears keeping Dball quiet and Janis butt-to-butt - just let her sleep, they all agreed, then we won't have to do any things |
I closed my eyes for 5 more minutes and woke up 5 hours later. I could sleep 5 more. Since I already missed every meeting etc, I might as well sleep and sleep and sleep until need of a taco is overwhelming. "I can't tell you nobody will die if you close your eyes," says shrink, "but you will crash if you don't." A sunwarm rock is the most comforting fantasy I can conjure.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Consider that some people in your life remain dissatisfied because that's the way they prefer it. If they stay displeased, the other person keeps trying to win their approval, which lets them remain the judge and hold the upper hand.
😵💫 too much effort to ponder all those variables - whoever can judge displeasure with whichever hand they use for that 🤷🏻♀️ - I really just want autumn color, a fall walk, to be in nature beauty, to sit on a sunwarmed rock
today, his utilities are turned off. another ✅️ 🤞eating the mountain one elephant a time or whatever
last night, I saw my own shrink. she was alarmed by 🖤, not myself, whatever that even is anymore, I am nothing, I am a walking to-do list, I bought a collander . she says, ummmm how about we up that anti-depressant dosage? I honestly did not know I could do that, yes let's do that
people not-dying is hard to know how to feel about - your mind struggles to feel relieved or good or something 👍, but to do that it has to keep touching the hot stove of the original terror then pulling back pained-again. a loop. 😵💫
we agreed to walk through the big Vegas cemetary today, the birdfeeder has been abandoned. he can't do a lot of assembling small parts atm. his job is subassembly - there is no way in fuck he's gonna be able to go back to work til god knows when.
he wants this
I want to go back to bed
Monday, October 05, 2026
“SO KLAUS, NOT too long ago I overhear these three dogs. A Ho-Chunk dog. A Sioux dog. An Ojibwe dog, too. They’re sitting in the veterinarian’s office waiting room talking about why they’re here. The Ho-Chunk dog says, ‘Well, the other day they were eating that good stew they make, just lapping it up right in front of me. That night they put the cover on the stew pot but they forgot to put the pot away. So I sneaked into the kitchen and I took the top of that pot in my teeth, set it down careful, and ate all the rest of that stew. Then I got in the garbage and ate the bones and the guts of everything that went into that stew. Then I wanted to sleep but oh, by that time I had the worst stomachache. I just had to go. I barked, but the Ho-Chunks, you know they sleep good. They never even stirred in their sleep, so, well, I just went caca all over the house. Now, I guess, they’re so mad they’re going to put me to sleep. I guess I'll go easy anyways. What about you?’ “‘Me,’ said the Dakota Sioux dog, ‘I have a similar story. You ever heard of the stew the Dakotas make with guts? It’s mighty good, and my owner had a big plate of that plus all the makings for Indian tacos in his pickup one day. He was driving home and I was proudly sitting in the cab of the truck when he stopped. He get out, left me sitting there with all that good stuff, and I just couldn’t help it. I wolfed it all down. Every bite. Man, was it ever good! But then I waited and waited and my owner, he was having a good time, and he didn’t come back. I tried to hold it for a long time but finally, well, I just had to go. I went all over that cab of his pickup. Boy, when he came back, was he ever mad! He brought me here. I’m going to be put to sleep too. And you, what about you?’ “‘Well me,’ said the Ojibwe dog, ‘I was sitting on the couch one day just dozing off. I was half asleep and my owner, she likes to vacuum her house in the nude, she was doing her usual housework. She was working on the carpet right in front of me and usually, even though I’m not fixed, I’ve got a fair amount of self-control. But then she bent over right in front of me and I just lost it. I went right for her.’ “‘Sexually?’ asked the others. “‘Yeah,’ the Ojibwe dog admitted. “‘Gee,’ said the other dogs, shaking their heads, ‘that’s too bad. So she’s putting you to sleep too.’ “‘Gawiin,’ said the Ojibwa dog, modestly. ‘You know us Chippewa dogs, we got the love medicine. Me, I’m getting a shampoo and my nails clipped.’” ~ The Antelope Wife and Woman
(the dogs' sense of humor survives, for what that's worth)
Sunday, October 04, 2026
"A European publisher once sent me a design for Master Butchers Singing Club that was all huge loops of phallic sausages. They were of every shape and all different textures, colors, sizes. I showed it to my daughter and we looked at it in stunned silence, then we said, Yes! This is a great cover! I have twenty copies left of that edition. Sometimes I’ll show one to a man and ask what he thinks of it. He’ll put it in his lap and stare at it for a while and then an odd expression will cross his face. He’ll look sideways at the women in the room, point the biggest sausage out, and say, I think I see myself in that one." interview, Paris Review
(then what?) 🤔 duh she writes a story, that's what
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| it moves, along the back, like a cipher (the candle wax remnants) |
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| last swim, that circled nub is me |
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| cold AF but there is nothing else like it |
"He used to be ironic and jolly, always with a sly humor and a broad goofiness. But his fear of losing her has made him serious....[she] has no idea he has lost his humor because of her." ~ The Antelope Woman.
Reading, always reading, shrunk down like when I was a kid hiding in closets with a hamster and flashlight. In The Wife, what took his easy-humor away ("he doesn't remember he's funny", that's a thing that happens) is cancer, stage 4 chances, and she stays away, worried at a distance but cursed, she believes, to always lose when the stakes are highest. For the best she stays alone forever, she decides. He survives and talks her out of it.
Here, in this version, her child doesn't commit suicide (accidentally, she didn't really mean it, but). And he doesn't get cancer. But there is a cost, as always. In this version she has no idea that she is illness - her worry, her grief, her stay-backness, it's withering them all.
Does Erdrich bring that around? Or is the child kept alive a permanent price paid, repaid forever, by this mother? Does my favorite paragraph (survival ideology) survive, in any form?
[does he ever say anything as weirdly funny as let's "get under the covers with sushi" again?]
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The unfamiliar situation sends you searching for guidance. When none appears, you study how the place works and choose one small job you can do well. Your competence has a way of settling your nerves. You attract an admirer.
I don't need more "admirers"
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| Prior experience × present danger. If the caregiver already knows what addiction, psychiatric crisis, suicide risk, hospitals, etc. look like, current events aren't experienced in isolation. Present cues can activate old threat-learning. Sometimes experience makes somebody wonderfully competent; sometimes the same experience makes the alarm system exquisitely sensitive. Both can be true simultaneously. |
"Here’s the real reason: Getting her children back feels like all the luck in her life is now used up. She doesn’t want to take any more risks. But I could have told her that from a dog’s point of view life is nothing but risks." ~The Antelope Woman
I wake up already spinning inside what feels like saran wrap, tangling tighter. I keep moving - if you're standing in shit, don't sit down is one of my rules of thumb - but spinning is moving too. I can see already that for his sake and my own bandwidth, my successfully turning down the volume of immediate crisis has a cost - it will fade, has faded already, from the emergency response system in others' nervous systems (their BEMOANING wasn't helpful) - which is quieter but it leaves me alone with this now. I live with an adult (currently) disabled child who needs everything, right down to med reminders and side-effect management (like seraquil brain = halfday zombie, can barely track a thought til noon). He can't drive atm cz of that - can anyone else compute the simple resulting facts, such as no he can't just "pick up the cat today" because you decide not to be functional today(?) I don't get that choice, to just not-be-able. And nobody else has to compute jackshit.
And I am terrified-grateful he's breathing. So even tho I see all that 👆, there's nothing else I can do (feel) about it.
The bar set at breathin - he's breathing, I'm breathing, you're breathing - it's gotta get raised 🤏 somehow. We can't stay here, can we?
status: migration/commuting, gotta go close the cottage for the year, cross that "gotta" off my list ft. shrink my world even more. "manageable" is merely breathin for me.
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| at the duplex - last one my mom could paint - I will walk past it, stuff that down, get the meters read, gas turned off, all the things gotta get done, and never see it again |
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| Bug (lil lifecoach) prescription - we've been trying for a week - so far nobody has gotten much beyond the potato part |
Saturday, October 03, 2026
I sent the pic of the dog and a tiny vid of Dball barking his brains loose to seal the deal. We are animal people. M. has been a CatLady always, fosters them, traps ferals and tames them and shit, and thru her/that, they can get their shit together for Ears for the cat - ersatz is one of TJ's fave words, it's like when you can't handle/have the whole/orginal thing, a smaller/lesser version might be for the best. The cat is their best, I'll take it, I will be very relieved for the poor cat who is "scratching himself bald" according to Sunshine, who then went dark. I cannot deal with her too, my patience is worn thin. The cat is a nervous wreck. So is the kid. Somebody deal with ersatz-Ears 🐈⬛️ for the love of 🤨. D-Nozl was almost tolerable for several sentences. M. is good for him. I've always been happy about their marriage, I figured she'd have him cleaning 6 litter boxes 🙏
How is this my life? How does this make sense? I cook and cook and ponder, my mind unable to avoid nor fully comprehend the constants that it moves around and around.
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| Spiderlily asked me if I remembered this and I don't remember it. but when I looked on ebay, I found it right away / as soon as I saw it, I knew I'd had it, a fucking bunny cup, so I bought it again even though I do not remember it, because I've lost my mind 🤏 so any piece of mind is worth restoring |
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| what happens Janis? |
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| let my hair down and went to the market, wanting sunlight on me and more food to cook, crystal rainbow kisses through the windows. a wee break from pressing. |
update: after I walked around soaking up banana peppers and adirondack potatoes, I called the cat's Aunty eM. Eggs will indeed be housing secured in CT shortly 🪄
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| wondering what happens after Trouble Shooting - I've forgotten |
update: like magic 'you're going to have to take this cat' shut D-Nozl right up 🙄 - not gonna change the outcome, that cat is moving to CT the next time he steps foot in NYS. that's it, I am done 🪄
update: just as I think "ok maybe this can be a day off from the melee," Sunshine texts she wants to kill herself ft. can't keep the cat cz he's itchy. (siiiiiiigh) I've become numb to grippysocks nutbaggery, I can't anymore with this shit. why can't anyone just do what they say for more than one damn minute?
f u n c t i o n (try)
I gotta disappear Eggs 🤦🏻♀️(siiiiiiigh)
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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Have you ever spent time apart just for the pleasure of reuniting? 👀 A little separation gives each person fresh material so when you come back together you have something new to exchange. 🤠?
The landlady went smoothly.✅️ Ears' friend from work will get first dibs on moving in as-is, furnished with big TV and a cat tower. Or family downstairs wants to rent the whole place. We'll sort which it'll be by early this week and transfer the utililies. Wipe the slate and look at what $ he has left. He said sheepishly last night, it's payday and I think they paid me more than usual - is that possible? Yep, you got NYS disability too for September on top of the disability insurance payment.
And I have paid for everything for a month + all the medical deductibles. I have been hoping all the paperwork was resulting in some $ kinda paychecks kept coming throughout all this. If possible, I'd like him to start his next chapter with 🤏 nestegg. Enough to feel intact, I guess.
At some point, "whew I survived " has to bloom into "yay I'm alive" - not today but what you've blown up must come down/land. He looked at his bank account, and he ordered himself jeans (bootcut).
Today, I dunno. We gotta go to the cottage by tomorrow, time to close her up / one last freezing cold swim. But today, with the inlaws settled into wait-mode, we can stop running.
I think I'll let my hair down and go to the farmers market this morning. Sing in my truck.
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| proof of life |
Friday, October 02, 2026
I am very literal and material and embodied n shit atm. About well being. Does it feel well or not?
song wanted, but music mostly left my kitchen with the migrating birds and troubles moving through
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| buttprint wellness test |
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). As Venus slows down, you begin noticing the labor inside affection: who remembers the details, who makes the reservation, who checks that everyone got home. This is useful information that may influence how you distribute your energy going forward.
😵💫
welp, that ain't schmitzful for damn sure. all they show up with is worry needing assuaged hourly (note to self: try not to do that) and reminders of it's HIS BIRTHDAY (the 7th) so WHEN IS THE BLUE FROSTING AHHH 🙄 jeezus christ
me: it's your birthday
him: today?
me: right? 😵💫 no, like in a few days or whatever. uh don't spose we could ask for a few car payments?
him: oh, they want to know
me: ya and Bug already claimed your bday as hers remember?
him: RIGHT so no problem
me: yes but there's no cake, no "party" per se, we were going with putting up a fuckton of holiday lights and a giant bowl of funsize candy bars for the cake
him: but I ate the candy already
me: you did
him: have them send a cake, that one from Wegmans
me: do you have any idea how much more work it is for me to assist them in buying a wegmans cake than it would be just to bake you a cake?
him: you're baking a cake?
me: today? no, I was going with brownies today
him: awesome!
me: you've lost the thread
him: 😅 ya sorry - what's the problem?
me: pork chops for dinner tonight sound good?
him: awesome!
it's like that, while I work from home, showing up at meetings w deans this morning (high impact sightings, so fewer needed), taking care of this that and the other thing(s), like spinning plates on (slap)sticks. today on my list is tackling the landlord/lease/utility shutoffs...
Thursday, October 01, 2026
having to do endless emotional labor for the schmitz clan is wearing me down.
"ya dont have to count me among the things you have to mentally MOVE AROUND" - try thinking like that towards Ears, I finally suggest, exasperated. AND TOWARDS ME, I don't say, but I'm thinking it.
Ears and I did have one laugh today - the waiting room + Sams Club slice of life ft and the hair thing is so absurd even Ears was giggling cz there's just no NICE way to handle it - insane people are mesmerized by my dumb hair and then the guy who spoke zero English in the Sams Club (got a freezer, leaning in) except "beautiful beautiful" pointing at his head my head his head - at least that guy was kinda hot, color of onyx, but still, as Ears put it, giggling like hell, "I don't see how ya work that (🤭) unless you're headed to ecmc or getting deported (🤭)" I'm pretty sure that's ableist and racist jeezuschrist🤦🏻♀️ - at this point we're unhinged a bit - I definitely don't know how to socially navigate one word in common, to which I nod or shake my head (?) while Ears snickers 🙄. the woman with the drawn on whiskers was easier, we could briefly chat about her passion for origami at least.
I gained 4 pounds, right along with Ears. I figured it was about that much based on tit bounce-density, which I had tested today while he was at horizon for a while. mamos always fill me with raw terror, not the cancer part as much as the test itself, being trapped in the machine, clenched down on, I fucking hate it, so it felt like pricking my mental finger on purpose. a fearpain neutralizes a fearpain, short circuit, can't feel both at once. I didn't stay for results and won't go looking for them.
I am dragging us to yoga tomorrow no matter what.
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| fires |
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| and food |
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