I'm done trying to pick his ankle bracelet. Mere Impediment is my new name for his wife. She's trapped him by babies from the get. He has to chew his leg off, I dunno, she don't wanna let him go no how. I pray it isn't driving him to drink. That's it. Otherwise, putting her outa my clean mind. 

I just think, or I guess feel: she's irrelevant. She only feels relevant because she's causing him pain but she isn't actually relevant beyond that point. Which is why she is causng him pain. The end.

"do you think we could get back together? kinda maybe?" is not a question he gets to just put back in the bottle AGAIN, nope, I let it go angelic cousin whatever like 3-4 fucking times already, and he's sober now (he says and I believe him until he tells me otherwise) (and even shitfaced I couldn't just let it pass again without a 'hold up'), so I dunno the answer to that question at all but *the question itself*, posed again, makes her irrelevant as far as I am concerned. she will have been a very bad spell he went through, a trauma, which has not killed him before and is irrelevant to the matter of what the heck he and I are gonna do with us.

"I wanna keep all the history, and I also want to start fresh. can I have both?" right answer: yes. because we can have/do whatever we want 👁to👁 re each other. maybe in no other way is he free to choose but re me he's nothing but

all over folklore, from fairies to vampires whatever, their magic has to be invited in or it won't work. I cannot seduce him. it has to be the other way around mostly at starts. he has to fudd up. because he likes to. we aren't gonna just skip over that or steamroller anything of any good parts. he has the answer(s) to his own question, he just doesn't know it so neither do I, but it's not going back in the closet, no more pretending that never crossed anybody's fucking mind like I'm losing my damn mind 🙄

I am not budging from HERE X. leisurely chewing this carrot.

me, the card I was in his first-ever reading 

him now - defensive and/or overburdened

put it together, that is a lot of DICK ENERGY but not ideally arranged. and although MY devil card is Bettie Paige (pro that card), still, traditionally that card is a lot about addiction and being trapped but by your own choice

it's the same couple who are on the Lovers card, but here they have chains around their necks that they could just lift off themselves but they don't

so what's a girl to do with this situation? if I pull a card, the answer is a different queen entirely, Queen of Pents (presence through permanence)

the only Queen lifesize collage I've made - she lives at the cottage

if I ask my shrink, it's almost the same answer. hold your ground, basically. 

this is unilateral, so it's only a partial answer: I wanna keep all the history, and I also want to start fresh. can I have both? I am "here", yes, as always. but the dynamic of I want him more than he wants me, I'm up he's down, all the scales/balance out of whack - all that crap is not good for either of us. somehow we both have to meet each other where we each are at. 👁to👁 is how we should ideally be seeing, trying to. 

I looked up Bug's song, katy perry lol jeezus  hot and cold - katy perry welp, try singing along to it (loud!) while driving a truck, it's pretty fun 🤷🏻‍♀️

the card of the day is the Devil

I got 99 problems but shame ain't one

the magician - jason isbell 

I told my friend who is into terminal lucidity and dreaming about the dream. He said the reason I don’t know what to say a lot is that sometimes a beautiful lie is better than a terrible truth. 

And I really thought about that.  Maybe some of the things I needed to hear the most were beautiful lies, but if I really needed them then I’m glad somebody knew how to lie to me just right.  And I’ll never be able to return that favor. Like for my mom.

Yesterday, I went and grabbed Sunshine again.  She’s feeling a little better, starting our dickbutter biz and she’s got a recruiter now for travel gigs – seeing freedom as an opportunity, a little, not just lonely.  But she’s still a hard sell.  She’s all about wanting a boyfriend. I read to her stats from my phone – 47% of Americans live without a significant other, 50% of single people are not dating/looking, 61% of people under 30 never plan to partner – it’s not like being alone is ABNORMAL so why you want a dude so bad right now? A best friend to hang out with and eat meals with, she says.  What are you doing right now with your best friend? “Okay but I want to have sex like 3 times a day,” she whispers.  We are in a tiny breakfast café for this conversation.  I say in a normal voice, Ya know there are sex toys for that and they don’t make you sleep in the wet spot.  A few women, all sitting with their dudes, chuckle.  “It’s not the same!,” she hiss-whispers.  Regular voice again, I absolutely agree but a vibrator isn’t going to give you a concussion either unless you get *really* creative with that motherfucker. More chuckling, a few dirty looks. You need a dog. A man is a person, you can’t just crate em (more chuckling). Finally Sunny has to laugh, even though mentioning the concussion that put her in the hospital for several days is a BIG sore spot.

I can sometimes do that. I can spin a terrible truth into a joke.

Then we went and got her a dogwood tree for her front yard because both our fathers died last year and helped provide us SHELTER in the way they did it. Men are good. My son is a god damn prince.  We know a ton of wonderful guys. And our dads did their best by us, really thought about *how to do that* at the end of their lives. Why mope for a man you haven’t even met yet before you honor the ones you already have and have had in your life? (And take the travel gig in Hawaii, I’ll visit.)

I bought two Christmas-smelling pines because this is Vegas, leaning in.

He thinks my family hate him, and they do not, and these are some of the reasons why, is my point - because I am who I am relentlessly.  Ears and I were cracking up one night thinking back on how BAD I WAS at dealing with unhappiness, his or any of theirs, and I STILL AM!  If he wasn’t happy every fucking second I BECAME HYSTERICAL, what was the poor fucker supposed to do with that? My bad 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ears is so adorable the way he snickered at that.  TJ is just like, remember when you looked up “empathy” and were upset that there weren’t concrete chores in the definition?  And I’m still almost as bad, like “UPSET?!, let’s plant a tree!!”

It’s a lack of imagination completely.  I just can’t imagine how to make anyone feel better except by doing the things that I do when I myself have been unwell, and which keep me well if I keep doing them. Steeeeeaaady, girl – as if I am my own ornery spooked horse. 

It would have neeeeeeever occurred to me to want a rolex, ie to be a person who inspires that, however that happens. It’s just not in me, whatever that is.

And yet. Emotional bonds like the one I have to him are tethered down to the center of the earth right through me some kinda how.  I can’t tell if the other person wants that or feels like a tetherball. Maybe both? It feels molten at the bottom, to me.

Ok so,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dunno lol. I mean, we have been on this brink of the Maybe We Could Something thing like um a lot of times now. I’m actually laughing as I write this, but uhhm this last year’s experience suggests that I know I’m in a relationship with him if I never ever see him because he’s married hahahahahha which has happened sooooo much omg, even the last time I remember totally like I’m letting this go I can’t love this dude no more with the whole gotta give it a year thing going on into the fall and I remember as soon as I really felt that way, taking a walk around my little village, feeling like living is nice in itself I enjoy it so I’m okay and I’ll just stop thinking about him -- like that song this morning that’s exactly where my head was at -- then he’s like “hold up!…”

Was that the same year I blew the Kurt Cobainolantern’s brains all over the front door?

Anyway. Uhh, we gotta work on that as a pattern, maybe?  Every single time Bug runs the jukebox (in the car from my phone), she’s in charge of the SOUNDTRACK OF LIFE CURRENTLY, like a way to communicate from her perspective, and she plays that hot/cold song at me. Always.  Until I know every word and am yup howling along with it hahahahhaha oof but my rebel yelling always delights her. 

So yea what’s up with me mostly aside from kicking up dust constantly because it’s the beeeeest part about being sober. I love being shockingly sober. It wasn’t the booze at all, I’m actually THIS MUCH naturally, A LOT all the time, MORE sober than not! and how can that be objectionable really? I was born this way, lalalaaa - my AUDACIOUSNESS PROJECT (performance art). Sometimes I even flirt, which is fun, with dudes who aren’t gonna do shit about it but blush, I find that kind of a blast to do sober af sometimes.

Otherwise frankly I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about being some kinda in love with my ex who is always married a lot more than advertised is mostly what’s up with me.  It’s driven me kinda half batshit with a horny v frigid reactive disorder that I’ll work through with my sturdy little therapist in the morning (hahahahahha) – and that’s what I’m gonna do, I’m going to laugh because only this one man on this earth can drive me this kinda crazy, wives falling out of his pockets if ya hold his ass upside down. 

I exercise A LOT.

Welp, at least for tonight (let’s not count any gift of chicks too soon), I’m the very not-played-with girlfiend-ish-thing (v cousin).  It’s calming to a Virgo to know where she stands, even in space.  And most of all, he sounds good. I mean, physically alive definitely. Tired. I dunno, maybe the whole bankrupt looming wall is kind of a good thing, like a rock bottom, ya can’t get blood out of a rock typa deal. If he was working 40 hours (I think they’re supposed to cap child support at 150% hours), two kids is around 24% of that off the gross ….

See? What my brain does with this shit? It goes all over the place trying to solve his problems like a lunatic. I wrote porn for him and he never even wanted to read any - that is COLD! but then I’m just like yea, I want ya back, because I just instantly instinctively do that with him. Arms open.  But by now I’m kinda a little like dude what did you think I have been doing with the whole huckleberry courtship hits the windshield like a bug thing?  sucking it up and lighting candles unto madness 🤏? (and I think your wife [or mother] is trying to hex me btw, is that possible?)

So uhh that’s mostly what’s up with me.

And spending a looooot of money on trees. And fences and roofs and don’t get me started on my mother’s hydrangea obsession. I am past the point of nesting to brooding. Honestly it's a weirdly awesome feeling, just like ovulating but without the overhead. As is my Goddess given right as queen of the soul bunker and cottage core. It IS my job to make paradise(s), and that I shall. My mother is about to arrive to oversee the ongoing crusades. And I’ma gonna hold steady right HERE X

I can't love you any more - langley ft wallen #grammar

No need to curse me. 
I'm gone.

 

the marching band

I had a dream I wasn't a Virgo anymore - I traded it to know what the other person needs to hear. 

That will never happen. I'm sorry.

bad weather moved family plans to tomorrow and left me free to spend the day reading my favorite author's new book

"all her efforts were doomed and faintly ridiculous" like a charcuterie board

waking to rainy quiet

deep water - cameron whitcomb

endorphins

I love that drug. (is it a drug or a hormone?) worth the price

There is nothing like the hot shower after. I stay in there til I've used up all the hot water, letting it run over me everywhere in hot torrents, swaying back and forth so it runs over my sore ass muscles and between my legs. It's better than most sex and has the same residual effect of making me feel like hot shit all over the place, peacefully pooling in a puddle of velvet here (X) 

how's everybody else feeling tonight? 

530, halfway there

just when I thought I might gotta tap out for a min, they hiit it: poker face nananaaaaa 💃

how sleepy witches do word puzzles: put the same first word in as usual then think it's 'drunk' but don't wanna guess that, but by the third try it's unavoidable. #notme

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's so nice to know you don't have to chase validation or try to be chosen. It's enough just to participate in something meaningful. And today you won't need to compromise anything about yourself to make this happen.

I didn't compromise anything yesterday either. I can't. 

and tbh, except in one case, my stomping like hell and rolling a worry boulder around like a pet rock being explicit and insistent has generally been met with relief. it's CLEAR versus MUDDY: I am standing here X, it's LIVING as in VIBRANT; you (whoever), come OVER HERE cz I am not budging off Alive (armscrossssy)

mostly that's met with something like "thank god!" as if unless I physically remind folks what breathing looks like, they mighta forgot. how can that be? I do not know. but it no longer matters (to me) how we all got these fucked ways up. I am just all about the unfucking. 

#TheGreatUnbreaking

card of the day, his 

song tbd - given the word and card of the day combo, I'll repost this for now in a different state of mind - I turned mountain goat footed since 

today: I'ma gonna buy flowers this morning, take it from there....

the union running outa tshirts was fanfuckingstastic, I hate those ugly things. this time we all just had to wear lipstick RED cz no tshirts. that one little delightfully pointless pleasure improved the quality of my life 100% for a day. I gotta free pass to keep that up from now on, like hester fucking prynne

headstart - jade bird

Butterknife is coming in about a week (update, May 6). Time to get that cottage open. 

heart stop - the revivalists the way the (heart)beat kinda arrests just before 3 min then catches there for a scary moment, then two. 

it's been hard to breathe sometimes.

worry stone fetish

if you were curious, what do you ask of someone who self-snuffed against their own will / didn't want to?   I don't wanna ask anything tbh. Even "whats up?" seems absurd, hence the Fat Alberty way it sounded in my head. What I needed to know was/is "Are you breathing?" That's it.

"What has this been like for you?" was where we started, there was a mutuality in that, like the feeling when you clasp by the forearm vs just shaking hands. 

But now, there's another whole Thing Time more, whatever this has been / still is. 

Bottom line, if I opened the door and he was standing there, what would I do? Ask him where he's been? No. My first and last instinct would be about if he's okay (defined atm as breathing). So for now and the foreseeable (sp?), that's it.

I keep thinking this for some dumb reason 🤭🤷🏻‍♀️