St. Casimir

it's half a block from belly dancing, by complete chance. I thought from a mile off by that dome, damned if we aren't headed right for Black Mary, and sure enough..

me: you are very not Black, and is that a new moon (?) and ya ain't putting any weight on that snake (not kinkshaming, just noticing)
her: your friend just noticed the "open hours" sign, perhaps a more helpful observation (?)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The way you're feeling is so nuanced, there's no emoticon for it. And you don't owe yourself immediate clarity, tidy labels or a polished takeaway. Not knowing how you feel is part of feeling.

Yes.

Meanwhile, the mall 👀 

I barely saw the kid party (Bug's buddy), it was a drop off situtation. My daughter and I wandered the weirdness and had lunch. Laughed a lot. Cried of course. Every conversation is kind of a pantry scan: who died, who is struggling with what, how is so-in-so. We talked about Kerri, and both cried. We talked about my mother's wish to die (join my father), and strategized how to get her to spring (selfishly). We talked about Huck, unavoidable once she talked to my my mom, whose pantry list to live to worry about includes him. We talked about Sam, who just buried a new husband, we talked about Emily whose sister is sick, we talked about Jeremy's stress-skinny now that all the money-need is on him for his family. She told me that I am by far the youngest mother of that entire friend group, age squeezed down into categorical over time, and how jealous they all are that she has a middle aged mother not even close to dying. We laughed about that because no one knows that I hit 92 pounds last spring, or how much she was taking for granted that I couldn't die cz I'm far too young, which is crazy repression considering we buried her father so many years ago; my being alive to her friends illuminated my death for her, ironically. I cried 🤏 about my dad, struggling with how badly I'm taking that still.  

"Don't die." That seems to be the only thing everybody is sure that they want for/from everybody else. It might be a safe assumption that anyone reading this blog doesn't want me dead (usually).

After the party, I took both girls to Hot Topic, nostalgia for my kid, and Bug understood all the t-shirt  cultural significance(s) of South Korea (🤷🏻‍♀️). We all love "pick one thing" - no occasion, no reason, no worries, you can have any one thing here/now, just choose it.

Just Cuz is my favorite holiday. It can be celebrated any time in any little way you (I) want. 

love a little bigger - steve poltz this guy is kinda nutty, but life is too short to be sick and then sicker #catchy

 big pot of chives, a couple sprouting too soon and shivering. even chives have to learn everything the hard way ft. they'll be a'right / need a minute

 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). New locations open to you and you aim to go as a traveler and not a tourist, experiencing what is, not the front that's presented to newcomers in exchange for top dollar. Take the same approach to new relationships, and you're golden.

Welp, I am not going to baskin robbins, but I am going to the mall today for the first time in I dunno. Apparently, the food court is where you hold little girl birthday parties now if you are smart enough to avoid chucky fucking cheese (the hentavirus whatever). I am sure I have been in the mall since then, but my last clear memory is of  sending photos from the fredericks of hollywood dressing room. I'm gonna go a little early and check out what's still even in that place, but I am eating not one bit of food court food. So not sampling the bourbon chicken! Hell naw.

"Sunshine"

Tomorrow, Sunshine signed us up for a beginners belly dancing class 👀🙄

Yesterday I went to early yoga but found that it was the HOT vinyasa vs my usual. I am hurting in muscles I didn't know I had right now, in a good way. I like feeling in my body. That's what it's there for. (You're not supposed to walk into a temple just to feel like shit, right?)

song tbd - meantime Prizefighter - full lp in track order, a story 

"sanctuary - revision needed"

When it sticks the landing: "Writing the eulogy for Toughie brought these lessons together. I had to take scientific fact, the extinction of the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog, and shape it into a form traditionally reserved for human loss. In doing so, I realized how rhetoric shapes value. By calling Toughie “more than a frog,” I was not denying biology; I was acknowledging interconnectedness, echoing Carson. By referencing extinction as part of a larger pattern, I was thinking like Kolbert. By allowing myself to feel grief, I was writing in the spirit of Williams. I also became aware of an assumption I hold: that emotion weakens academic writing. This unit challenged that belief. When grounded in evidence, emotion clarifies rather than distorts."

HERE - mumford and sons ft. chris stapleton I said it'd be the new theme song when it dropped, and here we are. it sounds like a goodbye but it's the first song. reckoning before proceeding.

"not mine"

weighing down - julian taylor 

This event-filled day features a solar eclipse, a new moon, Lunar New Year, Fat Tuesday and the start of Ramadan. If you needed another shot at starting fresh, this precipice of the new era is all yours. Celebrate and meditate. Wave goodbye with one hand and hello with the other. The Fire Horse rides.

well shit. 

seems worth a candle

my shadow - why do I fall in love with what I cannot have? a: because she loves me, I can feel it - she's killin me 😵‍💫🤧😵‍💫

 

me: czy mówisz po angielsku?

her: Not often.

me: you're Black 🤭

her: Yes.

me: sorry, I mean you're Black on the sign too, I just wasn't expecting 🤭🤭 sorry, I am actually pretty sad about a lot of stuff

her: We know.

me: I haven't seen Mary where I live yet, I should go see if Cheektovegas Mary is fucking Black

her: See for yourself, that is your way.

me: ... ... ... ...😭 ... ... ...😪 ... ... 

her: We will meet you there. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The long story and the short story are essentially the same, except one is harder to follow as it meanders, repeats and requires a nearly saintly level of patience. 

There was more. But that covers it.

And I am an angel, not a saint. 

found her, as I knew I would. and she is POLISH (heard no English among those folks)

"February 15, 2026

Virgo. You’re smackdab in the middle of Cupid’s crosshairs as the Capricorn moon glows in your amorous, joyful fifth house. The ice cream parlor of life has an abundance of flavors, but you keep coming back to your favorite scoops time and again because it's so nice to have predictable, dependable sweetness. Taste is self-knowledge."

snort. ya, not-it is not-it, I am fully aware. but Stewarts' heart is married to hating Shitty-Vanilla. and I am committed to putting myself 2nd altogether until this is over. so it's not even a thing rn. (reboot)

the kid was up all night with pain - I am not sure why the pain would be going up, guessing nerve feeling coming back (?). a sneeze nearly killed her. 

I am to find cbd relief today, praying there is a dispensary in Little Poland cz it's freezing. I am mos def not going home as I was praying to be able to do. the couch, the cats - emotionally I am rock steady but the homelessness couch surfing part is kicking my ass. 

I knocked her out with klonopin finally. 

I am very tired, but this is testing my post-breaking body and mind, finding sturdy. I am not even smoking weed. I decided to take a thc break while I was here. I went California sober forever ago, and that worked well. but twas a time that weed = horny/hungry. it no longer has that association, for obvious reasons. so, I wanted to kinda clean the slate, decouple smoking a joint from end of day wind-downs, get it out of my system entirely. (reset) I ain't gonna go to Baskin Robbins, but something's gotta give, of that I am also fully aware. 

before I left, at home with Ears smoking a joint, listening to my cowboy-longing music, I was like, when I get back, for a little while, it's gotta be all about me. ya know? mannny times he's been my only witness and only help, through umpteen needs and emergencies of his siblings, punctuated by funerals and firings, until god only fucking knows what is left of my capacity to need anything.

nobody is gonna die, or like Patti and my dad, they ARE gonna die no matter wtf I do. so. enough is enough is enough. 

ears: 😂 totally

me: you can turn me down, you're good, but the rest of everybody

him: 😂😂 I can't say anything not-mean

us: 😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂😵‍💫😂

me: so, like, I will want holes dug in the garden - OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER 

him: go for it!

me: they're either gonna include "and what might you need?" in conversations, or they're just gonna have to fuck off a while

him: FAIR

me: grandma still gets to boss you around tho

him: also fair, and I will dig whatever holes you need in the garden

me: dude, if another whole season goes by like this, I am starting an insta for you: "THE ONLY GUY WHO ACTUALLY SHOWS UP" 

us: 😂😂😂😂

him: that'd be mean AND funny cz I'd have to show you how insta works 

us: 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️

me: ya, that irony would be my first post 🤣😵‍💫 fuckin' a 

Verlaine, we really have to stop meeting this way

she rolls over for bellyrubs like Dball except those back legs wrap around my arm, claws out, "don't stop" - I get that! 🤣 - I have just accepted gluecrusty eyes and hives in my armpits through our brief affair

I look homeless ft my eyes are swelling shut

Be who you are.

Love who you love. 

Be as brave as you need to be to do that.

If you fuck up, say you're sorry.

Know better so you can do better. 

#grit #translated

I am very sorry that I took my dad's valentines for granted.

this feeling - alabama shakes