Your persistence matters most. Stay in the story until things go your way. It's the happy ending that decides the genre.  (like Jane Austen)

bango song - mumford n sons ft BBC orchestra 

mary ft mary candle, glass collage

dancing barefoot - patti smith

What does it mean to be young at heart? Not a performance of innocence, but a willingness to meet life as though it were a brand-new world with the heart's original courage: to want, to initiate, to risk delight. Think you already know? Maybe just forget it for a moment, long enough to begin again, trading weariness for wonder.

scrapbooking

first warm sun

fog

oops

still in process

wallpaper ft kaposi ft princesses

empty handed - ariel posen ft city and colour from dancing alone in the kitchen playlist 

garbage picking

spring haircuts

rehab trumps lent

I'm glad they're keeping him away from alllll of us. He needs time for straight talk with himself, on himself, for himself, uninterrupted by "managing the messages" for anyone else. To the best of my knowledge, he has not taken any real time to look at his own well being, to care for that person truly vs minimally necessary. And that is what I want for him. 

MY rehab plan (alanon classico): 

Daily: one sensory pleasure.

Weekly: one small adventure.

Zero: emotional management of him

my tarot card (8 wands) : Stay free until the wanting feels clean.

I trust my father, so I armed him with my athame to boot - keep slashing twatever needs it, Dad ❤️

(fuck) lunar eclipse in virgo trumps lent

fave shot, polluted by light

1 min to totality, then the lights went OUT 

I went back to bed and tried to get some more sleep. When I woke to the day, I realized what I'd lost / had been taken from me by this eclipse.

dawn

If she has not already, my mother will hear the birds waking up to spring and making love and she will think "he will never hear this again." She will walk off this earth to follow him, hoping to sit with him and her own father once more. That is what I would do if I were her. 

To those for whom I have exist(ed) only in words here, you don't need me to be. You/I could be dead right now and as always nobody would even know to call if that happened. To my mother, I exist. And I gotta figure out how to be enough for her. (reverse blink)

card of the day, love this card, but she is not looking only at him, she's facing the elder

and not for nothing, I have that stack behind my fence now too - think it's st joes

I also fall off (word)wagons. I will get back on after this.

Everyone gets sick. Everyone dies. In sickness and in health until death is not a promise, it's just an accurate description of love.

love takes grit cz human lives are mostly worse or sick. you need grit and magic to love anything about life. I love Everything about it. 

"twatever it takes"
my father's level of intensity in voice = level of vehemence (violence) required. angels aren't saints smib

lent starts 2/23 (orthodox calendar - ie if you needed the weekend). 

I didn't plan on doing anything, there's been so much focus on stopping shit already.

Then it came to me, locked outside St Caz - what if I stopped blabla'ing words HERE for a spell. the good thing about saying anything here is nobody has to read it or respond, it's less than a text. but only I word HERE, I don't gotta listen. 

"light's always on"
just in case the phone stops working permacandle collage 

St. Casimir

it's half a block from belly dancing, by complete chance. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The way you're feeling is so nuanced, there's no emoticon for it. And you don't owe yourself immediate clarity, tidy labels or a polished takeaway. Not knowing how you feel is part of feeling.

Yes.

Meanwhile, the mall 👀 

I barely saw the kid party (Bug's buddy), it was a drop off situtation. My daughter and I wandered the weirdness and had lunch. Laughed a lot. Cried of course. Every conversation is kind of a pantry scan: who died, who is struggling with what, how is so-in-so. We talked about Kerri, and both cried. We talked about my mother's wish to die (join my father), and strategized how to get her to spring (selfishly). We talked about Huck, my mom's 'pantry of stuff to live to worry about' includes him. We talked about Sam, who just buried a new husband, we talked about Emily whose sister is sick, we talked about Jeremy's stress-skinny now that all the money-need is on him for his family. She told me that I am by far the youngest mother of that entire friend group, age squeezed down into categorical over time, and how jealous they all are that she has a middle aged mother not even close to dying. We laughed about that because no one knows that I hit 92 pounds last spring, or how much she was taking for granted that I couldn't die cz I'm always fine; my being alive to her friends illuminated my death for her, ironically. I cried 🤏 about my dad, struggling with how badly I'm taking that still.  

"Don't die." That seems to be what everybody is sure that they want for/from everybody else. It might be a safe assumption that anyone reading this blog doesn't want me dead (usually).

After the party, I took both girls to Hot Topic, nostalgia for my kid, and Bug understood all the t-shirt  cultural significance(s) of South Korea (🤷🏻‍♀️). We all love "pick one thing" - no occasion, no reason, no worries, you can have any one thing here/now, just choose it.

Just Cuz is my favorite holiday. It can be celebrated any time in any little/big way you (I) want. 

love a little bigger - steve poltz this guy is kinda nutty, but life is too short to be sick and then sicker #catchy

 big pot of chives, a couple sprouting too soon and shivering. even chives have to learn everything the hard way ft. they'll be a'right / need a minute

 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). New locations open to you and you aim to go as a traveler and not a tourist, experiencing what is, not the front that's presented to newcomers in exchange for top dollar. Take the same approach to new relationships, and you're golden.

Welp, I am not going to baskin robbins, but I am going to the mall today for the first time in I dunno. Apparently, the food court is where you hold little girl birthday parties now if you are smart enough to avoid chucky fucking cheese (the hentavirus whatever). I am sure I have been in the mall since then, but my last clear memory is of  sending photos from the fredericks of hollywood dressing room. I'm gonna go a little early and check out what's still even in that place, but I am eating not one bit of food court food. So not sampling the bourbon chicken! Hell naw.

"Sunshine"

Tomorrow, Sunshine signed us up for a beginners belly dancing class 👀🙄

Yesterday I went to early yoga but found that it was the HOT vinyasa vs my usual. I am hurting in muscles I didn't know I had right now, in a good way. I like feeling in my body. That's what it's there for. (You're not supposed to walk into a temple just to feel like shit, right?)

song tbd - meantime Prizefighter - full lp in track order, a story 

"sanctuary - revision needed"

When it sticks the landing: "Writing the eulogy for Toughie brought these lessons together. I had to take scientific fact, the extinction of the Rabbs’ fringe-limbed treefrog, and shape it into a form traditionally reserved for human loss. In doing so, I realized how rhetoric shapes value. By calling Toughie “more than a frog,” I was not denying biology; I was acknowledging interconnectedness, echoing Carson. By referencing extinction as part of a larger pattern, I was thinking like Kolbert. By allowing myself to feel grief, I was writing in the spirit of Williams. I also became aware of an assumption I hold: that emotion weakens academic writing. This unit challenged that belief. When grounded in evidence, emotion clarifies rather than distorts."

HERE - mumford and sons ft. chris stapleton I said it'd be the new theme song when it dropped, and here we are. it sounds like a goodbye but it's the first song. reckoning before proceeding.

"not mine"