section next: living fully broken

Today is the end of lent. I wanted to quit blah blahing here because it's a one way street, and talking to yourself is either fiction or psychosis, so I decided on fiction for a spell. 

I spent the better part of a month privately writing my way around corners. For a while, it seemed like it might work, I thought up new solutions from which to choose. But at the end of the day, I was still just talking to myself. 

For a long while in 2024-25, I was struggling too much to really pay any attention to anything but that struggle. I quit drinking " without help" but that isn't entirely true, I got doctors, and it took a year, and my pancreas will never be the same, and I will never weigh as much as I used to, and the calcification of my adrenal glands is permanent... I detoxed it just didn't look the same as it often does on other people. And I also had not entirely done it to myself - I am not an alcoholic, no AA for me - there had been a lot of keeping me drunk and worse, turning my brain and body and world upside down.  And now forever, I won't really want anyone to ever pour me a glass of wine. I let Ears pour me a glass of wine every now and then, Barolo, when I make him a big fat steak. But in general, I don't trust that I won't be drugged / dragged under.

I never wanted anybody to touch me ever again, either. Many days (like today), I still feel that way. 

But everything ends. Everything changes. If I'm still breathing, that will always be true.

Having drastically winnowed the number of people about whom I'm willing to care, I find none of em are doing very well. Some cases are more acute than others.

In the face of increased helplessness, the disempowered turn to magic. They always have. 

So I try libation, a large bottle of benedictine, a prayer candle lighted and melted into it, poured at the feet of Mary. Prayer. What is prayer if not an attempt at magic? 

TJ says that if I had a nickname, it would be Constancy. 

I make The Dip.

I write and I think, and I teach, and I make the dip, and I never change my phone number. And I'll always keep doing that shit.

So that's it. Word lent taught me a new definition for love: being okay with never being okay. To live that out and make some new wild beauty of it. As long as everybody keeps breathing.

brave - ruston kelly

scared

 

 

✍️

dont fret - slow leaves 

Write things down. It will magically aid with remembering, forgetting, processing and poeticizing. magic ✍️

grit class reading

 

poetry to balance manifesto(s) (discussion: writing itself as a way)

grit class reading

"I refuse to push my body to the brink of exhaustion and destruction. Let the chips fall where they may. I trust myself more than capitalism."

"Everything always starts with the personal...The microhistories and small details of our lives hold the keys to our redemption."  

"Survival is not the end goal for liberation. We must thrive."

"I’m inspired by remixing and being subversive. I am inspired by disruption and tenderness. I am inspired by imagination. I am inspired by grief, mourning, and lament. I believe deeply in vulnerable, generative spaces for healing. I am inspired by rest, daydreaming, and sleep...Rest is radical."

"I wish you rest today. I wish you a deep knowing that exhaustion is not a normal way of living. You are enough. You can rest. You must resist anything that doesn’t center your divinity as a human being. You are worthy of care." (a handy incantation)

Rest as Resistance:A Manifesto

it's not your fault - slow leaves

VIRGO Real life is no melodrama. The dimple-chinned hero will not show up to save the maiden strapped to the railroad track. 

full Pink moon in Libra (balance)

change my mind (acoustic) - riley green

"Reverse Cowgirl (Strength card)"

worry ft something feels off

 

Grit, writing assignment (pay attention)

Subject is your choice.

"caregiving" (mixed media)

This is about writing itself as a kind of grit = the subject is what is challenging to you, forcing you to grow. What stymies you.

As you write, be explicit and specifically detailed. You're not trying to mystify yourself.

Assignment format:

a memory + a fantasy / a reality 

Example: A memory of being a parent + a fantasy of what that could be like / the current on-the-ground reality in that life category.

Goal: Use writing to discover what you're thinking.

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not unblogging this atm - it's not writing, it's writing-about-writing 

fascinating to watch her hit a plotline, shattering it on impact 

Grit, a novel (see recipe), current contents

Section 1 - Sobriety Games

ch 1 "Threshold Learning"

ch 2 "Just One"

ch 3 "Choking"

ch 4 "Reverse Cowgirl"

Section 2 Vegas

ch 5 "Dick Butter" (ripped down into 3 chapters / shattered)

ch 6 "Garbage Bags" (working title)

ch 7 "Huckleberry"

ch 8 "Sex Chair (Mid-Century Modern)"

Section 3 - Unknown Freeballing It - I don't have a wish. 

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Words can work magic. Or at least help you grit your way through a hard spell.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Not every interaction will leave you energized, but healthy relationships involve some form of exchange: support, laughter, learning or shared understanding. If you consistently walk away from someone feeling depleted, pause and reflect on what might need attention.

Writing is paying attention.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). To really serve someone well, you'll find out the person's preferences and give full attention to meeting their needs. This kind of detailed work is a rare gift to offer, so don't be surprised if it makes an impression far beyond what you were aiming for.

My mother on paper. Mid cerebral gorilla erotica. Welp 🤷🏻‍♀️

Section 1 - Sobriety Games

ch 1 "Threshold Learning"

ch 2 "Just One"

ch 3 "Choking"

ch 4 "Reverse Cowgirl"

Section 2 Vegas

ch 5 "Dick Butter" (draft 1)