me: this will have to end, ya know? 

 

her: everything ends

Im'a stop breathing if I keep this up, but it's hard to argue with devotion and good looks and philosophical acumen and claws lol 🤧🤧

good thing I brought the emergency inhaler, fuckin a

Saturn moving into Aries is a big astrological moment, and Friday the 13th adds a subtle flavor of intensity and reckoning. Things may feel a little ominous, but it's really about facing what's real and cutting illusions before moving forward. On the pre-roll for Valentine's Day, take heart. Face fear with courage, especially if it involves love or commitment.

I completely forgot. Today is the day it's supposed to be over. The giant ass whooping written in the stars for me. Had something to do with Saturn 🤷🏻‍♀️. Astrologist told me a lot about it that I no longer remember bc I no longer care bc it whooped my ass until my brains were scrambled eggs 😵‍💫. 

My heart stops breaking, that's all I remember. Today. Then, now, it's all about bringing down "the hurty", what my daughter calls her face atm.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You are exactly where you belong, doing what you're supposed to be doing. Go with it. No analysis necessary. Once you assume this is true, what else might be true? That you can trust the instincts that brought you here?

Love brought me here. 

Across the board.

Verlaine ❤️

drinking my coffee from whimsy 

 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're open-minded, flexible, amenable... and you still should try to get your way. Sometimes your way is just better. Today is one of those times when all will benefit when you politely advocate for it.

uh oh. and everyone always looooves that, too 😂. 

during one of those how to be in leadership things they mailed me off to, they had a bunch of personality tests. I was there with a coworker friend who scored like I did, only I was worse. she since re-assigned her gender to non-binary (they/them), left academia, went into a MFA program (I wrote a letter of rec), and leads a rock band. the difference between them and me is that while we were both extremely introverted, down to the 1%ile of the population in every inner-turning way, the very last thing they had that I did not was a dose of "campaigner" = free-spirited party thrower. my dollop was "advocate" = spiritual idealist. my employer thought that was a great thing, because translated into leadership it meant the capacity to "inspire". they didn't read the fine print, my complete disinterest in inspiring anyone to accept shit. it's kind of funny to think how much money they spent sending me through "trainings", as if that was gonna work some fucking miracle 😂

Yesterday in the waiting room for hours and hours, I was with my daughter's friend. she was sitting right next to me, and at her age they live all online, so we didn't talk, because it was as if I wasn't there, and that suited me. when I wasn't reading, I was listening to the other groups of people who were in the waiting room and what their loved ones were "in for", everyone trying to understand the health prison sentences that had been brought down on the heads of someone they loved. nearest to us was a brain tumor, and the waiting friends and relatives read aloud from their phones about what that even is or how someone might get it out, saying the "aggressive" in a quiet wincing way whenever it was in a sentence. 

I made a note to myself to add "aggressive" to my list of gritwords, and to ask my students what they think of it. 

In bill burr's most recent comedy special ( cannot recommend it enough both because it's hilarious and wise ), he talks about how the only thing he could do for a living was to be a comedian because what he does all day is think, and think about thinking, and keep reflecting on everything until he finds the fucked up thing(s). so there are two things I could have been when I grew up - a stand-up comic or this, whatever they're calling my job these days. have you noticed that everybody wants to rename stuff as if that changes the stuff? like we don't "brainstorm" anymore,  we "ideate" 👀 - everyone wants professors' heads on pikes over politics and "educator" is equally suspect -  in my last grant, I called myself a "healthcare workforce developer" 😂

at closing time, we bid goodnight to alllll of the nurses my daughter had made friends with, trading tips about places to try/go in Southie - always be nice to the nurses (!). good girl

Today, I'll go get her and bring her back to the cat palace and sneeze my brains loose and get bloody noses and binge gay homoeroticism, until my daughter is well enough to start correcting all of my opinions. she is in her roommate's phone as "source of correct opinions" 🤣 oh my god that's so perfect. and when she starts doing that, I'll know I can go home (she's fine). as I write this, she's already texting me about what I am to go get at this deli and that to please her within the bounds of a clear broth diet today. in other words, she's bossing me around from the hospital bed she's still in down the street 🤣 . 

it really is funny how we are all so much ourselves, and yet it takes us a whole lifetime to figure out how to do that fully. 

these trans kids are the inspiring ones, in alllll their personality types 💓

"....caught in the border between different bodies." ~ The Hounding, Kebobe Purvis

As my daughter had her jaw slowly scraped away and then the sides of her face sewn together beneath her tongue to heart-shape it, I read a novel about girls who turn into dogs, but not really, they just want to be unrestricted girls, so they become dogs once kicked like curs for it. I think my daughter could do that - she can do anything. 

"Girls—normal human girls—people could contend with; they were weak and small. And dogs too could be trained. But girls who became dogs, or who let the world believe they were dogs, were either powerful or mad: both monstrous possibilities."

A lot of people believe that being trans is monstrous. Rights, safety, respect - all the civilized things - have to be faught for. The world's fear of trans people must be allayed, practically speaking. But tbh, my heart says if your gender is so fragile that someone else's freaks you out, g'head and cower. 

If I feel short on the will to do any more Aliving, I hope the kids all get my share 💓. But I think I just gotta be brave enough to keep turning out too.

youre gonna make me lonesome - shawn colvin (dylan cover) deep childhood (hers) memory cut - she didn't believe me

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Everything good around you was, at an earlier juncture, a complete problem for someone. Fate is the culmination of one solution after another. So don't worry about the difficulties of the day. Every last one is an opportunity. 👀

It will be fine. I will probably have to hold patience on my face for a bout of physician mansplaining or two. Then leave her there, for the best but prolly hard. Then navigate to a Marriot to escape the unwanted unrelenting 💓affections of a black cat named Verlaine, whose ass was the first thing I saw this morning #COUGH  (aside, only I know these cat names came from a Dylan song oddly). I dunno what my night looks like, but it will not include watching Heated Rivalry tg. 

https://youtu.be/4CEsgRAFk2I?si=0NrFVybsVwy7bRlB bonus track, what my care duties will include (TJ never ever tells me the whole story until after I've agreed to it, as if I woulda had a choice anyway 🙄🤷🏻‍♀️)

cat ass

clay pigeons - john prine 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Countless similar moments blur together, but when something brings up a feeling in you, a memory is born, too. Someone who is emotionally available can turn ordinary moments into a vivid experience. Their access to feeling invites your own.

yea. I need assistance in the feeling stuff department. 

I need a patient lover. Straight talk. Someone who can give me a minute. I was averse to any/all adult touch that wasn't strictly necessary for the entire last chunk of my life, all of the last relationship I was in. Like a hooker, no kissing. That's a crazyshitty thing to do to yourself.

I know I'm in here. I mean, spooning, when it felt needed, I could need it right back. But I am broken in this way. I make a lot of dickbutter because I am trying to imagine any touch that is just for the sake of touching, and I often cannot or I cry trying. I can remember. But I can't easily imagine. It takes concentration to imagine holding a hand, and I had to use memory to do it. 

As urgently as I wanted to STOP DYING, starving being how my body was deciding to check me out of the whole clusterfuck, now I am tentatively but palpably hungry. And it's been so long that I am afraid I will recoil, like how after famine people can't digest anything. No, I know I will be some kinda like that. And I need somebody who wants to touch me enough to let me get there. And it'll have to be someone to whom I can tell that, or it'll be too easy to hide in transactional sex of short duration, which would only make me sicker in this particular, and I can't afford that either. And on top of all that, I am both standoffish and proud. I might feel like I turned myself into the touch-equivalent of a rescue animal, but that is something I can fully hide.

Even Huck. Now that he does not need to be held shaking or his brow smoothed, my tendrils have retracted. He does not want me to touch him, and responding accordingly I do not want to, retreating to the way back of my crate. I love him, that's a hell of a thing, and that will not budge #family. But I am glad I am putting 8 hours between us for a while physically. He won't have to push me away from there / I don't want to put me on him. 

I am grateful to Huck for putting me in a better headspace to care for TJ. I am leaving tomorrow and will stick that caregiving out til she gets to the other side, happy with her choices being as strong a feeling as the pain is. That will be good. My daughter and I both looking for that line in different ways together. And oatmilk 🙄

After that, I should be taking the full measure of my own damages before the breaks knit unset. 

playing with my hair, just to get used to it being touched

I got a full chakra set, medicinal tea and strain combos. I am putting them away until I can and want to explain why I got 2 of that one.

lose control - teddy swims I just like looking at him #solid 

the 'oyster' 

meantime, fuck my life up again - marcus king big sobriety advocate, killer guitar player, and he nails the seductions of addiction, how it is challenging to communicate with an addict in not-their-languages. 

"catbird mexican stand-off"
cat: you're bothering me.
bird: how could I avoid that and still exist?
cat: 😶
bird: 🫥

"I drank in an effort to quiet down the demons from years of trauma and abandonment that I hadn’t learned how to cope with yet... alcohol helped to summon a muse and overcome my social anxiety." ~ Marcus King

🫶

The End of an Era (2011–2026): Neptune in Pisces was a time of immense spiritual growth, disillusionment, and surrendering, particularly affecting mutable signs (Pisces, Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius).

The Shift to Action (2026–2039), 

Significant Dates: While a preview occurred between March and October 2025, the final, permanent move is January 26, 2026."

"When Neptune leaves Pisces on January 26, 2026, the "cosmic fog" that has lingered since 2011 finally lifts. This shift from watery Pisces to fiery Aries moves everyone from a phase of dreaming and surrender to a 13-year cycle of bold action and personal sovereignty."

Impact by Zodiac Sign

• Aries: The individual enters a "main character" era. As Neptune enters Aries, identity undergoes a profound spiritual reset. A strong push to turn private dreams into a visible, physical reality will be felt.
• Taurus: The focus shifts inward to the subconscious. The individual enters a cycle of deep healing and spiritual retreat, where intuition becomes the strongest tool for navigating the world.
• Gemini: Social circles and future aspirations are transforming. The individual is encouraged to dream of new ways to exist in the world and use visionary ideas to inspire others.
• Cancer: It’s time to step out of the shadows. Neptune illuminates career and public image, inviting the individual to build a legacy that aligns with the highest spiritual values.
• Leo: Worldview is expanding. A drive to explore new philosophies, higher education, or long-distance travel is felt while seeking a deeper meaning for life.
• Virgo: Relationships become a spiritual classroom. The confusion faced with partners since 2011 clears, allowing the individual to build deeper, more authentic intimacy and shared resources.
• Libra: Empowerment comes through partnership. The individual is learning to balance their own needs with those of others without losing themselves or over-idealizing the people in their life.
• Scorpio: Daily life and health get a spiritual upgrade. The individual is motivated to find the "sacred in the mundane," turning routine work and self-care into acts of personal empowerment.
• Sagittarius: Creative joy takes center stage. The individual is entering a phase of intense self-expression where they act as a vessel for creation, following passions wherever they lead.
• Capricorn: Focus returns to home and foundations. The individual will feel called to create a legacy and a living space that truly reflects inner needs and family aspirations.
• Aquarius: The mind is the new playground. Expect a surge in intellectual curiosity and a drive to improve how to communicate and share "bright ideas" with the community.
• Pisces: The 14-year identity overhaul ends. The individual gains massive clarity as the fog lifts, shifting focus to self-worth and financial security—essentially learning how to "cash in" on dreams. 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Shift from "Is this right?" to "What's actually happening?"

What's actually happening? 

"wannabe bayou" is the paper's name, mom and Ears picked it

I am gonna read some more about astrology, "A relationship that causes you to continually override your own instincts and feelings is not sustainable. Work that offers you relief only when you sleep or dissociate is abusive. Stop asking, 'How can I do this with less strain?' and start asking, 'Why am I doing this at all?' Now is an editor with scissors: no crossing it out, just cuts."

Virgo - Today, your ruler, communicator Mercury, sails into your partnership zone until April 14, prompting you to connect with other individuals. Whether you need to get something out in the open and hash it out together or you’ve just been out of touch with a few people who matter to you, start the conversation. 

😶 I'm practicing my listening skills.