updated: no more play me a song game, I'm just projecting and most of the time playing myself an upsetting song. As my therapist would say, that's just stupid
running on E - wyatt flores
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your work has gravitas. Work with a strong point of view will have both fans and critics. The goal is not to be universally liked. The goal is to attract people who need what you offer and love how you offer it.
🎯
I know what I'm doing. (I love that look on faces, the "oh shit this is a real thing" attention, eyes lit up.)
And I am not everyone's tup of tea.
Instead of worse, I'm trying to frame it as increasingly complicated. To know what you're doing. To be anybody's cup of tea. And most of all, to have a coherent central self that can hold you steady while you expand as much as required by Life to do so.
I'm not obsessively reading about addiction anymore, but it's kind of like once you see a pregnant woman then you see them everywhere or whatever - addiction is everywhere because it can so easily intersect with any and everything else.
Identity. Obviously I have been struggling with that. If I try to think about it directly, it feels like someone punched me as hard as they could right in the solar plexus. So I kind of have to think around it delicately. One thing I read somewhere and I thought god that's dangerous, is if you're drinking all the time, at work and at home or whatever, like across the board of your different (competing / difficult) identity requirements - being This, being That (soldier tinker spy) - then the Drinking Person can become the most coherent self.
Without that central coherence self, you'll lose your fucking mind. But for your central mind to stay clear, you can't be drunk all the time obviously.
(I meant what I wrote in my fiction: I trust Aaron to have his drinking under control the same way he trusts me to be fine and I am fine mostly, falls on my ass notwithstanding, I just often do not like it )
And some things I should not be fine about / ok with. Like. It's the natural way of things for people to pass in and out of one another's lives, but they usually don't do it in an economic plane crash event. That should not have happened. That should not be happening. So not-fine = fair 💔
Bottom line, it's what the doctor told me yesterday: just don't get sick. Which is the exact same thing as saying don't be human while also alive - it's very risky - and under sickening circumstances, not logically possible.
With the best of intentions, you might find yourself very sick and unable to make your jeep payment, and somehow that's a yarn ball of a clusterfuck vs separate problems, extremely difficult to disentangle, even if you weren't shitting your brains loose. AND of course people are watching - as private as I am, my kids, my mom, my friends, and soon my collateral damage students, all 👀.
I was careful to eat a whopper today. I can sip a titos np (tg), but only cz that's not the way I get sick.
I always wanna DO SOMETHING, but that something has been "accept", which is not the same as indifference. Acceptance is an active complex thing. And difficult. And I cannot say that I like it much. I clench my jaw shut all the time, and by that, I mean I do it during each required thing/performance, and then that becomes who I essentially am: SHUT. And starving. There just is no obvious way to grit your way through acceptance (oil meet water)
The closest good feeling akin to acceptance that I can pull up is...not "relax" lol... It's more like that trust feeling when you lean against somebody that you really trust (virgo, that feeling is a physical one, my head goes to spooning). But, that's a stretch of a comparison in the first place, since the latter feels more like a gift than something you're doing. And it's a feeling I don't remember clearly enough.
Well, one thing I could do about the work situation is hire one of the fired co-workers and just transfer as much as my income as I can afford directly to him in exchange for getting it not to rain in my kitchen, which he has never done before, but I trust him to figure it out, even and including taking my kitchen ceiling down starting today, a fishing expedition for water.
And leaving him in my house to do that to drive off to Boston,
I did not drive to Boston and instead laid around all afternoon rethinking. TJ's need level was exactly what I figured, so it unfolded as I expected only funnier. It just so happened that I also had a wee body modification appointment of my own at the same time. With a longtime work related friend, of course. She's one of those NPs who routinely move fat from one part of your body to another or plump something or suck the plump out of something or whatever. TJ is fine, a little high and flirting w the hot doctor. And we all got in on this conversation, my friend in her office with the student nurse preceptee and TJ in recovery, coming to the shared conclusion that these procedures and products reflect ideologies and social attitudes, and how you see yourself situated among those. You want to look like the person you want to be read as by yourself. For some aging people, that's youth. For TJ obviously the motivation is quite different. For me today, I wanted a cry divot taken off of my forehead, because it looked like I've been crying for months because I have been crying for months, and I don't want to see that in the mirror because I don't want to BE that; it's just something that happened, not my identity.
Bad things have been happening. It is difficult. That is not the same thing as who I am. Nobody can fire me from that. And how can it possibly matter how much I am desired or not to my BEING? It can not. That is not why anyone gets a divot smoothed.
Four women could come to these existential conclusions around body modification today while two of them underwent slight body modfications. That was beautiful in its way.
(Aside: Tattoo-level is much deeper into these subjects. I have done and thought a lot about tattoos also in the last year, not coincidentally I believe.)
Much like yesterday, there was kind of an existentialism pop up (?)
This time Tarot-Bee didn't have anything to do with it, except she did come up as a subject with the nurse practitioner. The NP is a product of the pipeline that now will have no english professors (remember fondly decades later type - thats a humanities prof like 90% of the time), and we talked about that, and what I was trying to do that would preserve the sense of being paid attention to, multiplied by more than one human can pay attention, but one human can and must be holding that all together to land it, so it creates an interesting solution to its own problem by helping me think faster and more effectively in about 20 different directions all at once, that do have a center and that do have a central mind. And that mind is mine right now.
In what she does for a living, she also needs to understand what is it that the other person really wants, not the product or even the outcome, but the feeling desired and why, which changes over time and then has to be reunderstood, both by her and by her clients. Humanities classes was where she learned to think about shit, like that. So to her mind, Tarot-B sounded like the multiplication of Sane Voices who are *holding it together*, even if just as a thought. 1:200 the ratio of holding on / not approximately atm in her medical-ish opinion.
card of the day, 10 pents, I love that one
