met w the benefits dude who as it happens is retiring in 11 days, so he can say anything he wants, such as "if they fuck you over tomorrow, you'd be okay" 

that is not true in any other way except that last year's plan ✅️ I almost don't exist / the hard to kill like a flea financial strategy

but. meanwhile my brother-in-law got fired today. no warning no reason. my mother cannot know that - zero capacity atm, a shock could kill her ass - what that means has not sunk in fully (it might kill my sister, switcharoo just like that 🤦🏻‍♀️)

her: I had an idea, every time we go out to dinner at a nice place with a nice b...

me: bartender

her: oh my god! YES! 

me: yup

her: and you have the look, just kinda short

me: I look like a bartender who knows the 12 steps

us: hahahahahaha

her: you really do

I do. I'd add an amends tat on my forearm, the most annoying step (apologies irritate the fucking hell out of me and I am already in a really touchy fucking mood so just don't please)

went to the lit event @ Just Buffalo, sat in a group of three chairs off by ourselves with a kid on each flank (our island), saw Asshat and M and did make them clearly uncomfortable (Andy touching my arm n shit, driving TJ crazy [he told her to wear a bra and misgendered her - 'cat my witness' defanged it / made it fucking absurd, he is just a ridiculous person] 
🗡 wtfever pal, I am the island motherfucker) but the good part was a biiiig dose of that family's love for me including a very tight family hug w my kids and their grandparents (the bigger island, deep down, even still), they're towards me like my mom is to Aaron only my mom is way more batshit about it

Union called, needs a flank, I am going on to the negotiating team for this shit, negotiating separation agreements that give everyone severence $ enough that they're not completely wiped out financially, so they can catch their breath. all day Tuesday next I'll be a union negotiator. I have no idea how to do that, hoping pure rage is the primary skill of it. selfishly, I hope that all these people are not lost to me completely, and for that possibility they must not be lost. and since I must do that, I keep breathing tho it is terrible

and I have to keep my job though as of today I know could survive financially on unemployment if I had to. I will keep working because it's just easier frankly, to not fight the flow of how this ends for me. they'll fire me and I am ready. in my heart, I am already done 💔 I will keep showing up for my friends rn, especially Union, do my best to be a scary bitch on their behalf, learning from him how to do that unionwise in his quietly devastating way. and I will do an adequate job of my job (a job is a job) until I don't have one or I get a real inspired bug up my ass to do a New Thing. on that day I'll be even more ready with vegetable gardens galore and living on a grad student budget (relearning how, I was happier broke so hoping duck back to water quickly). until then I'll teach students how to teach a bot a writing voice, I know how to do that now, Tarot can fucking help me 🤔 so sure innovation blabla 🤷🏻‍♀️ and then I will be replaced by that bot 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

That's kinda perfect. I will be and do wherever / however / whenever it has to be me who does Whatever. if it could be anybody else, why should/would I do that thing? I should probably not.

this means I get Tawista still, next month.