-_0 I open my eyes and think what I thunk before, such as about Nebraska world: I cannot live this.

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but now it's me too. 

obliterated.

TJ is here, got in at 1 a.m. (aside: how does she keep getting taller? or am I pfft'ing?)

ABOUT me in 2010, to her kid eyes, she says: "it was just very clear that you were working very hard on something pertaining to being okay"

her IN 2010: "you need to worry about stuff and care for stuff or you go crazy ... since you care for me, I have never seen you crazy."

I have been this person for as long as I can remember. 

I am shattering.

I cannot step over my coworkers' bodies and go to work. it was bad enough when they were dead (Patti). I can't do this. 

I have to figure out how to erase myself. literally. wipe myself off their clouds, drives, LMS, everywhere....

how do you go from winning two neh grants for a quarter mil $ under two administrations in THIS America and wind up obliterated? sober obliterated!, i.e. I didn't do it! this time, truly, except for the motherfucking intimacy problems (fyi if you're a fudd don't fuck roosters), I did not kill myself. I fought it and fought it. cats and dogs and therapist all my witness. 

😭 

that hot boulder on my chest, one day I wasn't strong enough to roll it off, the day I became part of its weight. (maybe I always was) 

I open my eyes and think what I thunk before, such as about Nebraska world: I cannot live this.