"That night, I fell asleep knowing there is always a chance I will wake in the night certain I am an outcast, outside the common run of humanity, an imposter by light of day. I'm pretty sure I will fall into that well of embarrassment, sometime or another, again. And I wonder. Can it be that all of us upon waking sometimes feel malformed or broken, foolish, as we huddle in our nests all over the earth? Perhaps I think this pit of shame without perspective is the true human connection." ~Python's Kiss, Louise Erdrich

"I don’t need to create the moment—I need to see who can meet me in it."

at not quite dawn, I realize the garbage didn't go out, and in classic pajama slapstick and bare feet, I went running out to move the can in time, sending about a guzzilion bunnies out from under the bushes, mulch flying like a groundswell hurricane

they're gonna eat my mother's fucking holly hocks, it'll be a whole thing, Butterknife V Rabbit

she always picks something in nature to be racist about. the bunnies are gonna be the "riff raff" in Vegas, I just know it. when ACTUALLY it's roofers and fence guys and every other kinda guy driving a truck with a company logo 🤨🙄

Can we pick you off the ground?More than flashing lights and sound 

dunno, can ya? 

last day of the semester. technically I am on contract til the 23rd ("must be available" for random meetings), but the last union ie scheduled thing is today, May Day. Every kinda union in this union town is some kinda turning out today/tonight under a Scorpio full moon. (forewarning) 

A Full Moon in Scorpio marks a peak moment of intense emotional release, transformation, and hidden truths coming to light. It acts as a "cosmic mirror" forcing us to confront the shadow self, deep feelings, and old patterns, allowing us to purge what no longer serves us. 

I haven't been striking any matches, but I am gonna make a day of it, yoga and a salted bath and a nap, then a lit X candle before I head out with a huckleberry (play!) gummy in my tummy. 

this one doesn't have a blankie, she has a favorite plate instead, which she sits on in protest when it is empty of pancakes.
kids have clarity.

brokenhearted - karmin another selection from the Bug soundtrack, she cracks me up w this shit 

I'm done trying to pick his ankle bracelet. Mere Impediment is my new name for his wife. She's trapped him by babies from the get. He has to chew his leg off, I dunno, she don't wanna let him go no how. I pray it isn't driving him to drink. That's it. Otherwise, putting her outa my clean mind. 

I just think, or I guess feel: she's irrelevant. She only feels relevant because she's causing him pain but she isn't actually relevant beyond that point. Which is why she is causng him pain. The end.

"do you think we could get back together? kinda maybe?" is not a question he gets to just put back in the bottle AGAIN, nope, I let it go angelic cousin whatever like 3-4 fucking times already, and he's sober now (he says and I believe him until he tells me otherwise) (and even shitfaced I couldn't just let it pass again without a 'hold up'), so I dunno the answer to that question at all but *the question itself*, posed again, makes her irrelevant as far as I am concerned. she will have been a very bad spell he went through, a trauma, which has not killed him before and is irrelevant to the matter of what he and I are gonna decide to do with us.

"I wanna keep all the history, and I also want to start fresh. can I have both?" right answer: yes. 

we can have/do whatever we want 👁to👁 re each other. maybe in no other way is he free to choose but re me he is nothing but, currently

all over folklore, from fairies to vampires whatever, their magic has to be invited in or it won't work. I cannot just seduce him. it has to be the other way around mostly at starts. he has to fudd up. because he likes to. we aren't gonna just skip over that or steamroller anything of any good parts. he has the answer(s) to his own question(s). 

I am not budging from HERE X. 

me, the card I was in his first-ever reading 

him now - defensive and/or overburdened

put it together, that is a lot of DICK ENERGY but not ideally arranged. and although MY devil card is Bettie Paige (pro that card), still, traditionally that card is a lot about addiction and being trapped but by your own choice

it's the same couple who are on the Lovers card, but here they have chains around their necks that they could just lift off themselves but they don't

so what's a girl to do with this situation? if I pull a card, the answer is a different queen entirely, Queen of Pents (presence through permanence)

the only Queen lifesize collage I've made - she lives at the cottage

if I ask my shrink, it's almost the same answer. hold your ground, basically. 

this is unilateral, so it's only a partial answer: I wanna keep all the history, and I also want to start fresh. can I have both? I am "here", yes, as always. but the dynamic of I want him more than he wants me, I'm up he's down, all the scales/balance out of whack - all that crap is not good for either of us. somehow we both have to meet each other where we each are at. 👁to👁 is how we should ideally be seeing, trying to. 

I looked up Bug's song, katy perry lol jeezus  hot and cold - katy perry welp, try singing along to it (loud!) while driving a truck, it's pretty fun 🤷🏻‍♀️

the card of the day is the Devil

I got 99 problems but shame ain't one

the magician - jason isbell 

I told my friend who is into terminal lucidity and dreaming about the dream. He said the reason I don’t know what to say a lot is that sometimes a beautiful lie is better than a terrible truth. 

And I really thought about that.  Maybe some of the things I needed to hear the most were beautiful lies, but if I really needed them then I’m glad somebody knew how to lie to me just right.  And I’ll never be able to return that favor. Like for my mom.

Yesterday, I went and grabbed Sunshine again.  She’s feeling a little better, starting our dickbutter biz and she’s got a recruiter now for travel gigs – seeing freedom as an opportunity, a little, not just lonely.  But she’s still a hard sell.  She’s all about wanting a boyfriend. I read to her stats from my phone – 47% of Americans live without a significant other, 50% of single people are not dating/looking, 61% of people under 30 never plan to partner – it’s not like being alone is ABNORMAL so why you want a dude so bad right now? A best friend to hang out with and eat meals with, she says.  What are you doing right now with your best friend? “Okay but I want to have sex like 3 times a day,” she whispers.  We are in a tiny breakfast café for this conversation.  I say in a normal voice, Ya know there are sex toys for that and they don’t make you sleep in the wet spot.  A few women, all sitting with their dudes, chuckle.  “It’s not the same!,” she hiss-whispers.  Regular voice again, I absolutely agree but a vibrator isn’t going to give you a concussion either unless you get *really* creative with that motherfucker. More chuckling, a few dirty looks. You need a dog. A man is a person, you can’t just crate em (more chuckling). Finally Sunny has to laugh, even though mentioning the concussion that put her in the hospital for several days is a BIG sore spot.

I can sometimes do that. I can spin a terrible truth into a joke.

Then we went and got her a dogwood tree for her front yard because both our fathers died last year and helped provide us SHELTER in the way they did it. Men are good. My son is a god damn prince.  We know a ton of wonderful guys. And our dads did their best by us, really thought about *how to do that* at the end of their lives. Why mope for a man you haven’t even met yet before you honor the ones you already have and have had in your life? (And take the travel gig in Hawaii, I’ll visit.)

I bought two Christmas-smelling pines because this is Vegas, leaning in.

He thinks my family hate him, and they do not, and these are some of the reasons why, is my point - because I am who I am relentlessly.  Ears and I were cracking up one night thinking back on how BAD I WAS at dealing with unhappiness, his or any of theirs, and I STILL AM!  If he wasn’t happy every fucking second I BECAME HYSTERICAL, what was the poor fucker supposed to do with that? My bad 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ears is so adorable the way he snickered at that.  TJ is just like, remember when you looked up “empathy” and were upset that there weren’t concrete chores in the definition?  And I’m still almost as bad, like “UPSET?!, let’s plant a tree!!”

It’s a lack of imagination completely.  I just can’t imagine how to make anyone feel better except by doing the things that I do when I myself have been unwell, and which keep me well if I keep doing them. Steeeeeaaady, girl – as if I am my own ornery spooked horse. 

It would have neeeeeeever occurred to me to want a rolex, ie to be a person who inspires that, however that happens. It’s just not in me, whatever that is.

And yet. Emotional bonds like the one I have to him are tethered down to the center of the earth right through me some kinda how.  I can’t tell if the other person wants that or feels like a tetherball. Maybe both? It feels molten at the bottom, to me.

Ok so,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dunno lol. I mean, we have been on this brink of the Maybe We Could Something thing like um a lot of times now. I’m actually laughing as I write this, but uhhm this last year’s experience suggests that I know I’m in a relationship with him if I never ever see him because he’s married hahahahahha which has happened sooooo much omg, even the last time I remember totally like I’m letting this go I can’t love this dude no more with the whole gotta give it a year thing going on into the fall and I remember as soon as I really felt that way, taking a walk around my little village, feeling like living is nice in itself I enjoy it so I’m okay and I’ll just stop thinking about him -- like that song this morning that’s exactly where my head was at -- then he’s like “hold up!…”

Was that the same year I blew the Kurt Cobainolantern’s brains all over the front door?

Anyway. Uhh, we gotta work on that as a pattern, maybe?  Every single time Bug runs the jukebox (in the car from my phone), she’s in charge of the SOUNDTRACK OF LIFE CURRENTLY, like a way to communicate from her perspective, and she plays that hot/cold song at me. Always.  Until I know every word and am yup howling along with it hahahahhaha oof but my rebel yelling always delights her. 

So yea what’s up with me mostly aside from kicking up dust constantly because it’s the beeeeest part about being sober. I love being shockingly sober. It wasn’t the booze at all, I’m actually THIS MUCH naturally, A LOT all the time, MORE sober than not! and how can that be objectionable really? I was born this way, lalalaaa - my AUDACIOUSNESS PROJECT (performance art). Sometimes I even flirt, which is fun, with dudes who aren’t gonna do shit about it but blush, I find that kind of a blast to do sober af sometimes.

Otherwise frankly I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about being some kinda in love with my ex who is always married a lot more than advertised is mostly what’s up with me.  It’s driven me kinda half batshit with a horny v frigid reactive disorder that I’ll work through with my sturdy little therapist in the morning (hahahahahha) – and that’s what I’m gonna do, I’m going to laugh because only this one man on this earth can drive me this kinda crazy, wives falling out of his pockets if ya hold his ass upside down. 

I exercise A LOT.

Welp, at least for tonight (let’s not count any gift of chicks too soon), I’m the very not-played-with girlfiend-ish-thing (v cousin).  It’s calming to a Virgo to know where she stands, even in space.  And most of all, he sounds good. I mean, physically alive definitely. Tired. I dunno, maybe the whole bankrupt looming wall is kind of a good thing, like a rock bottom, ya can’t get blood out of a rock typa deal. If he was working 40 hours (I think they’re supposed to cap child support at 150% hours), two kids is around 24% of that off the gross ….

See? What my brain does with this shit? It goes all over the place trying to solve his problems for him like s lunatic. I wrote porn for him and he never even wanted to read any - that is COLD! but then I’m just like yea, I want ya back, because I just instantly instinctively do that with him. Arms open.  But by now I’m kinda a little like dude what did you think I have been doing with the whole huckleberry courtship hits the windshield like a bug thing?  sucking it up and lighting candles unto madness 🤏? (and I think your wife [or mother] is trying to hex me btw, is that possible?)

So uhh that’s mostly what’s up with me.

And spending a looooot of money on trees. And fences and roofs and don’t get me started on my mother’s hydrangea obsession. I am past the point of nesting to brooding. Honestly it's a weirdly awesome feeling, just like ovulating but without the overhead. As is my Goddess given right as queen of the soul bunker and cottage core. It IS my job to make paradise(s), and that I shall. My mother is about to arrive to oversee the ongoing crusades. And I’ma gonna hold steady right HERE X

I can't love you any more - langley ft wallen #grammar

No need to curse me. 
I'm gone.

 

the marching band

I had a dream I wasn't a Virgo anymore - I traded it to know what the other person needs to hear. 

That will never happen. I'm sorry.

bad weather moved family plans to tomorrow and left me free to spend the day reading my favorite author's new book

"all her efforts were doomed and faintly ridiculous" like a charcuterie board

waking to rainy quiet

deep water - cameron whitcomb

endorphins

I love that drug. (is it a drug or a hormone?) worth the price

There is nothing like the hot shower after. I stay in there til I've used up all the hot water, letting it run over me everywhere in hot torrents, swaying back and forth so it runs over my sore ass muscles and between my legs. It's better than most sex and has the same residual effect of making me feel like hot shit all over the place, peacefully pooling in a puddle of velvet here (X) 

how's everybody else feeling tonight? 

530, halfway there

just when I thought I might gotta tap out for a min, they hiit it: poker face nananaaaaa 💃

how sleepy witches do word puzzles: put the same first word in as usual then think it's 'drunk' but don't wanna guess that, but by the third try it's unavoidable. #notme

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's so nice to know you don't have to chase validation or try to be chosen. It's enough just to participate in something meaningful. And today you won't need to compromise anything about yourself to make this happen.

I didn't compromise anything yesterday either. I can't. 

and tbh, except in one case, my stomping like hell and rolling a worry boulder around like a pet rock being explicit and insistent has generally been met with relief. it's CLEAR versus MUDDY: I am standing here X, it's LIVING as in VIBRANT; you (whoever), come OVER HERE cz I am not budging off Alive (armscrossssy)

mostly that's met with something like "thank god!" as if unless I physically remind folks what breathing looks like, they mighta forgot. how can that be? I do not know. but it no longer matters (to me) how we all got these fucked ways up. I am just all about the unfucking. 

#TheGreatUnbreaking

card of the day, his 

song tbd - given the word and card of the day combo, I'll repost this for now in a different state of mind - I turned mountain goat footed since 

today: I'ma gonna buy flowers this morning, take it from there....

the union running outa tshirts was fanfuckingstastic, I hate those ugly things. this time we all just had to wear lipstick RED cz no tshirts. that one little delightfully pointless pleasure improved the quality of my life 100% for a day. I gotta free pass to keep that up from now on, like hester fucking prynne

headstart - jade bird

Butterknife is coming in about a week (update, May 6). Time to get that cottage open. 

heart stop - the revivalists the way the (heart)beat kinda arrests just before 3 min then catches there for a scary moment, then two. 

it's been hard to breathe sometimes.

worry stone fetish

if you were curious, what do you ask of someone who self-snuffed against their own will / didn't want to?   I don't wanna ask anything tbh. Even "whats up?" seems absurd, hence the Fat Alberty way it sounded in my head. What I needed to know was/is "Are you breathing?" That's it.

"What has this been like for you?" was where we started, there was a mutuality in that, like the feeling when you clasp by the forearm vs just shaking hands. 

But now, there's another whole Thing Time more, whatever this has been / still is. 

Bottom line, if I opened the door and he was standing there, what would I do? Ask him where he's been? No. My first and last instinct would be about if he's okay (defined atm as breathing). So for now and the foreseeable (sp?), that's it.

I keep thinking this for some dumb reason 🤭🤷🏻‍♀️

 

snapped brittle from the wait

While cleaning the kitchen, I noticed the wishbone had given up the ghost, so I just wished for someone else to get whatever their wish was/is. 

Then I dreamed someone brought me a box of wee newborn chickens. I didn't see who it was. I was busy looking at the babies and woke myself up with a gasp of joy. Pure wish fulfillment dream. 

My card of the day is the Wheel of Fortune. Sudden radical change of luck / spin the wheel. Someone showing up at my door w baby chickens would definitely qualify. But as usual, I'm a little too successful: nobody knows where I live 🤣

So I'm just gonna go about my Earth day in Virgo fashion: buy a tree, go to yoga, grade some papers, light a candle, then go to the union thing  ... dressed like Cindarella's alter ego 👀 

song tbd

bonus - I give up, what makes a chicken Polish aside from the pointless chachki backdrop?

if I were a grown up chicken, I'd be pedo #chicklonging

Grit novel, Ch XIII

Trying to imagine other than the current haphazard halfassed halfblind halfhearted indifference being shoveled at me like shit turds. 

no springtime - allison russell

tell me whats on your mind - the decemberists

went with the red leather after all

 

"I believed this was my destiny: for a plane to recognize me as his soulmate mid-flight and, overcome with passion, relinquish his grip on the sky, hurtling us to earth in a carnage that would meld our souls for eternity.... whichever plane would finally recognize my worth and claim me as his bride in orgasmic catatrophe. ~Sky Daddy, Kate Folk

I never thought of that. #lackofimagination 

 

sad plane

out of time (acoustic) - terra lightfoot opening for Colin James at the Town Ballroom on May 3 (we needed protection, I got that much right)

 

roaring silence is like a shell to your ear sound that you get used to, just makes the distance between you and everyone 🤏 thicker.

reading while Familiar pops bubbles with his tongue 

"Grown-ups are not good at masking their concerns, although they can hide their delight and curiosity surprisingly well. Whereas with children it is the other way round. Children can tactfully mute their anxiety and conceal their sorrow, but will struggle not to express their excitement. That is what growing up means, in some simple way: learning to repress all expressions of pure happiness and joy."

There are Rivers in the Sky, Elif Shafak

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). For security guards, a good part of the job is just staying awake. So they do the rounds, walk the perimeters, do system checks. It gives a signal to themselves and the world — we care, we protect, we're ready.

YOU OKAY? 

#moresilence #ouch

card of the day, a fave.
welp. all that is true again now - place, kids, animals, coins enough, as promised 🙏 - and my mother will be back soon to fuss the flowers. I dunno who that dude is, or if he walks this earth at all; if he exists, he's gonna have to find me 

The Hermit

can you get to that? - mavis staples

grit reading / haiku assignment

"In the end, perhaps what separates one individual from another is not talent but passion. And what is passion if not a restlessness of the heart, an intense yearning to surpass your limits, like a river overflowing its banks?" ~ There are Rivers in the Sky

happy haiku day 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You express the poetry of your soul through thoughtful care and elegant precision. You notice what needs tending and quietly restore harmony. Haiku: Morning dew on wheat. A careful hand mends the seam. Order hums softly.

"constancy" 

assignment: write a haiku of you, holding together a wee 17 syllables

With the new moon in Aries simmering in your eighth house of intensity and sharing today, you could soon feel ready to get up close and personal with a new love paramour. Or you might strengthen your bond with bae and try out some new tricks (or toys) in the boudoir. Mercury, Mars, Saturn and Neptune are all gathered in this zone, prompting you to dive deep into strong emotions and transform something that’s been lurking in your psyche. Seek out the resources you need.

(the suitcase from the cottage under the bed atm?)

welp, I am doing nooo thinking so this makes sense, everything rn is below my neck. I took up hot interval weight training - HOT room, 110 degrees and humid, I do that then 30 min break to cool down, then a bikram class = 3 hours total. after all that, there is *no thought*, just an increasing awareness of my musculature such that I could probably pinch a dick clean off inside me if I did think about it 

hot and hard good

love is such a hard thing - noah derksen

bonus cover me up - morgan wallen same song, another voice

I'm gonna miss you - noah dierkson

cover me up - colton nordvic jason isbell cover (original is better), I love this song. short

weed dog biscuits for thunder-fear #thoughtlent

not voyager, artemis 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). If it doesn't have a solution, it's not a problem. How long should you mull a thing around in your mind before you decide it's unsolvable? Twenty minutes. If nothing comes to mind, reintroduce that thing next week.

guess I'll take the week off

#thoughtlent

the worry about him sits like a hot stone right on my ribcage. I am feeling it now because I am too weak not to because I spent all my weaponized fine on sunshine today and I have none left. 

Weaponized fine. sounds like a potential chapter title, doesn't it? it's when you have to be always fucking fine to the point that you are nuclear fucking fine. I'm so fine, it'd make your head spin.  since approximately that obit search which we'll repeat tomorrow night when Ears comes over for dinner inevitably.

welp. if the goal was to discourage me from wanting to fuck him ever, that has been accomplished. which only proves it didn't really have much to do with that in the first place since that doesn't do anything to remove this stone of worry. 

I am flummoxed by man's inability to see women as whole things. there's always a just before the word girl. I would bet my life that he would not let joe worry because he has not fucked Joe and that is just a fucking cunt hair off from a woman in that dude's case 🤨 and yet. 

I should text that dude and see if he's worried. if he ain't worried then definitely there's nothing to worry about, he's just treating me like a girl. but I can't do that. can't or won't. won't.

sunshine says I'm a sucker. "if they's blocking you, they just on a bender, that's all" 

I don't think the word just belongs before the word drinking any more than it belongs before the word girl in his case. 

he has stressed to me over and over that he is hanging by a thread over Dead - that isn't me being hysterical, that's him telling me that and demanding that I believe him

now I feel forced to have the thought experiment that I've outlived him. 

I am trying to figure out how in the world this hot heavy stone on my chest could be a good thing because I'm stuck with it and I don't want to feel anything I don't want to feel which is like this. maybe I could learn to think of it like a cat, no claws unless I try to move it so I leave it alone (?)

I dunno what to do or think or feel about anything except dying is bad let's try to avoid it - that's it - and even that now I gotta be like "or not, cool either way"

I hate to admit defeat but 

I'm scared. leaving me nbd he always does that 🙄. leaving me alive = leaving me for dead. that's different

"....every displaced person understands that uncertainty is not tangential to human existence but the very essence of it. Since one can never be sure what tomorrow will bring, one cannot trust Dame Fortuna—the goddess of destiny and luck—even when she seems to favor you for once. One needs to always be prepared for a crisis, calamity or sudden exodus. Being an outsider is all about survival, and no one moves foward by holding back." There Are Rivers in The Sky

if I was a cowboy - miranda lambert  

off to forage the Falls for Sunshine - her address is not one I'm hesitant to show up at like it or not, I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

If I was a cowboy, I'd be the queen

Woah-oo-woo, woah-oo-woo

Sittin' pretty on the prairie, baby
I'm your Huckleberry...

found her - 45 min to Singer Farms and 45 min back, wawawa the whollllle time (ok, barf it up and outa there some more, I gocthu) (sigh) (how does anyone come back to the living and hold at least? there has to be a way, we've still got thriving to do yet 🤦🏻‍♀️ even someone whose name is SUNNY ACTUALLY can see no light, it's like I'm living with everybody's ghost and finally, I'm like, fine we're already dead. I accept 🙄 whatever. but. if so, then there's nothing to lose and I'm back to stomping around. it's dis-heart-ening. we've all cried so
o god damn much)  and I got a Grav Gandolfini

Jim Beam stopped production for a year (The Great Sobering Up, called it)

Grit, a novel

ch 11 "Velocity"

For every 3-4 "up critiques" like these, the editor sends 20 suggestions for improvement, mostly having to do with my tendency to write very densely. Sometimes I do get tangled up in claws/clauses. And then it makes suggestions for where the plot might go next that I never take, and in fact I rule them out. There is no plot. I just write and rewrite until the changes I make add up to a pattern that is recognizeable so that I myself can see what/how I am thinking. 

not true, there is just some truth in it; we forged a ride-or-die pact of recovery, that is why not "want"; that ride had ejector seats 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a beautiful day. I was going to go outside and play, but it's still so cold 🥶. So I collaged the Empress card, then let this chapter bubble up into its words. Full on Virgo, all I did was make sense (art) today.

It doesn't have to be pure joy all the time, obviously. But like a really beautiful lie has to have some truth in it, this shit has to have some joy in it. And the darker the time, the sharper that joy has to become. 

You’re in full-on Virgo mode this weekend. (uh oh). You're thankful to be out of survival mode, but the lessons you learned there still apply, and you can conjure the vibe when you need to. (on a dime) You focus intently on what matters. All else shrinks to its proper size.

no springtime - allison russel ft joy oladokun & julie williams 

"when the Empress card appears, it is an invitation to take care of what is most important to you in a joyful loving way."

[image removed]

her name is Blanche

they took 6k off and threw in a towhitch and took the wrangler back as-is, and I still needed to pick up summer overtime (while at the dealership) to bridge the over budget I went (it is nice to have bosses who love me at the moment, I even got an uncomplicated straight-up "I love you" over the phone to boot), but the important part is it's over 

"pants off ft it's spring"

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DUwdQHYDpvP/?igsh=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

lit another one "Exceed Expectation Harder (Please)"

my bed is so full of kids and dogs right now that a cal king be too small lol, one dog and one kid take turns using my ass as a pillow

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Relationships bring out your creativity, and that's why people find you so fetching. You don't just show up hoping to fill the role; you show up with the burgeoning creative energy to make it your own.

What the fuck have I been saying all along? This is the apocalypse, both personal and global. The only good thing about an apocalypse is nothing has to be anything it has been before. It doesn't even have to be called a word that already exists. And that's not just for romance (the most annoying of categories), it goes for every kind of relationship. I always thought that way, inclined that way, but now it's a belief. 

There is no part of me that wants to go back to the past anywhere in it. I look back and pull out of the rubble the memory diamonds that got created in the pressures, that's all. 

I want to look ahead of me the same way my mom would look at a blank wall. Excited for the possibilities of a million little choices of beauty. Mulling where she'll put the first stroke. And then the second. When she does that, everybody comes running to watch or to pick up a paintbrush, and she's universally enthusiastic about folding in what shows up and letting it change what becomes. 

training season - dua lipa

the girliest pickup I have ever seen in real life 🤣 I had only ever seen them online 🤣 I could also try out the honda ridgeline, but because of the chevy silverado song, I thought that might be too nate-adjacent existentially. and I have to give them credit for listening to me about my mom and bringing me the one with the step ups already installed. I do like it a lot when people are just plain ol nice

Limited: 2.5L Turbocharged engine, Standard AWD, 5,000 lbs towing (reading about it 🧐)

Grit, a novel

ch 10 "Testing a Theory"