from 9/27/12: Mark (Grace's father) is dying of [has?] pancreatic cancer.  I am personally stunned by this fact.  It feels when I think about it like a physical blow and takes my breath away.  I am serially awash in grief-disbelief.  Every time I look at Bruno, it is hard not to think "I met Mark when I was your age".

We've got the boys this weekend.  Ex is busy with work, which is fine by me - good excuse to see Finding Nemo 3d, though the boyz feel obliged to protest they're too old for that despite being easily convinced to don those glasses in exchange for a theater hot dog (so cute).  Only downside: 10 bucks says Ex finds it in his o so busy schedule to send me some kind of email diatribe, in anticipation of which we will eyespy my phone with a suffering sigh every time it buzzes, and in the time it takes for me to make 2 pounds of bacon to satisfy TJ's endless stomach there'll be some itemized list from him of "concerns" or even better some further commentary on my curves (omg, M at work nearly swallowed her tongue in horror when I told her that story, lol, the look on her face stoked my outrage I admit - like wow yeah I should be super offended, eh? hahahahh) or best yet a 'funky math how on the planet mars I would owe less childsupport' bullshit (o hell no - call my tits udders all you want, but don't bounce my damn check), and I'll think dude if you don't actually have to work can't you at least go get laid or some shit, ugh....Aa and I fight about this, he rightly pointing out that legally speaking Ex does not have the right to send me emails about my ass and I do not legally have an obligation to answer them, etc etc.  We don't get far with these fights, because even after all this time I can't discuss Ex for very long before I start to get a panic attack out of habit.  The last time we tried discussing it, Aa wanting to email Ex some defense of my honor and me thinking yeah that kinda relationship drama is so last lifetime, you ain't doing any such thing (this is middle age not the relationship wild west, ya know what I'm sayin?) we went round and round about it for maybe 20 minutes, and then a man started dancing like a lunatic in my chest.  Because Aa is an open heart nurse, I now have better and even visual knowledge of my heartbeats.  The "Ex specific rhythm" starts at 2:51, and is not at all pleasant:
I pressed Aa's hand against my chest.  And we went to sleep that way. 


WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: VIRGO: Love is mostly guesswork. You guess right, or you guess wrong. Support yourself, and be on your own side either way. 

watching npr vids instead of grading papers....thinking deep thoughts like "maybe I should get bangs"....

not so new category

Ex got a look at me briefly a few weeks ago, taking out the garbage when the he was dropping the boys off after a weekend with him. And since, he has been obsessed with my tits/ass. It started with an email that bet me a year's worth of diet coke that I'm about 4 months pregnant (I get the coke if I'm just fat, the thinking on that went, as far as you can call what goes on in his head THINKING), to which I didn't respond at all (duh), followed by long haranguing assertions that he ought to know why I have such big tits because the reason(s) he can imagine might possibly affect the boys in some way.....no, seriously, he writes things like "for the sake of our children's well being I need to know what they know" (about the state of my tits the causation of their current protruding factor). I'm ignoring him utterly while he grows indignant.

I thought I'd post this on a Monday in the spirit of show and tell as the work week gets started under the category of having to deal with insulting morons, stories of.

Eef Barzelay: Bad Girl

update: Mark has what killed Steve Jobs...and that is the sum total of my knowledge base on the subject...............

We had a little blog breakdown….backhandedly, it is a good commentary on my writing, that it’s ummm moving. Freedom to write whatever you want to and freedom from having anyone ever read what you write are perfectly conducive to each other, but neither is compatible with intimacy much. I’m mulling all that over. Quietly.

radio citi zen - the hop (high rec)

“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.” Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking.

I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. Thereis no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of myactions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. --translation ThichNhat Hahn

"Holy Spirit," Ben Reynolds

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0684842017

I could conjure possibilities all day and still never see it coming.