I'm ready.
This is the pilgrimage. The yearly reckoning. Every year. Who can still make it? Once, it was all of us. Last year it was me on the road alone, madmaxi. Head up, eyes forward, get there, knock wood. Take stock.
I went there last year thinking everything had fallen apart. It hadn't nearly gotten full momentum falling apart.
I thought it was gonna start to get better from there. It did not.
The fog hadn't cleared yet. I couldn't see the full extent of damages. I got my ass into the car in tatters, but I got there.
That was the important part. Is the only important part.
Me to Ears earlier, him stranded at the Polish Nook: "this year, that's you, just get in the car in your underwear if necessary, it doesn't matter" and he believes me because I've lived it right in front of him. And I held.
Music is the medium between. Sure didn't turn out to be a Boom. But in retrospect, it wasn't about whether I was going to fall in love again (nope), wasn't about whether things were gonna start to get better (nope), wasn't about what I had endured, not about overcoming anything. More in it than over it. I asked myself one simple question and I answered it.
would you still - diplo ft cameron whitcomb)
would I still? love (ghost of), work (death of), etc - every category of my life is dying dead or over - I know that - would I (could I) still SHOW UP?
A: Yes.
That's it.
And it could be argued that I got absolutely nothing out of that. This year I even lost my witness, my mother 💔, who if no one else understood always did 💔 - it feels almost unbearable / I am bearing it.
So. No one "gets it", and what we all had to endure had to be endured anyway no matter what I did.
I went to night yoga - I was not getting limbered up for hiking - I wanted to check one last time. Do I need to look at my throat, my chin, my nose, or can I land right on my eyes? 👁👁
Yes. I can 👁👁 for any length of time required, sweating with all the effort 95 pounds has in it.
Last year I was stunned. This year maybe I am just stunning.
[image removed]
