From "abracadabra" to "bibbidi-bobbidi-boo," history has collected a hefty volume of words widely revered as magical. In these moments before a powerful conjunction of Mercury and Jupiter in the sign of the cat, there's a huge benefit to playing around with words and phrases to find the ones that fit. Muses favor you landing on your own personal "Open, Sesame."

thinking about the concept of "sunk cost" - why keep doing a thing? because you've already done it / been doing it? for a person who tends toward constance, that's potentially problematic. why stay in a shitty relationship of any kind? because you've been in it is not a good reason. I know, on one level, that it's absurd for me to not want to go back to work just because there is no Jeff to flirt with. I have a CV as long as your arm, I've done all the things, I have the highest rank there is to earn, my career outsizes the trifle of flirting by a mile. but that's the problem, too. if I am writing it in the past tense, it's backstory not story. see? you only play a game if you don't know the outcome. flirting is compelling because it's unpredictable. flirting w Jeff was how I jumped out of the fucking meeting agendas (and the only time I talked to him lol - it was our agreed upon meeting survival strategy), the laid out map of what is supposed to be happening, supposed to be talked about. I just don't want to follow the agenda, any agenda, any more. they want my magic back at work, that's what my boss literally called it. but what fuel is there for that magic? for "open sesame" to work, THERE HAS TO BE A FUCKING DOOR. 

if everything is only backstory, that = she kept going because she'd come this far, The End. I don't want "sunk cost" on my god damn Tombstone. thus, #grit in all its forms has hit a wall. hit it hard. I don't disavow any prior layer of life. I am just only interested in what might happen next. #maybe

#grit is a highly problematic concept - not a BAD one, just kinda like a loaded gun, you could easily shoot yourself with it, that's the reason to learn about it. persistence is great - but toward what? at what cost? who decides the destination remains worth reaching? (a: only you) at what point does “grit” become sunk cost wearing a virtue costume? stopping because something is difficult is not the same thing as stopping because continuing is no longer a meaningful use of your life.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). It's easy to stand by your principles when nothing is at stake. The real test comes when doing the right thing costs you money, status, convenience or approval. Which values are you willing to pay for?

what is "the right thing"? someone please tell me what that means. 

I should mow the lawn, but it'll just grow back 🫩 I don't want to. 

I do not want to do ANY of the things I am supposed to be doing here. 

Not. One. 

Craig is here working on the roof, so I had to put on clothes 🫩 I told him we shouldn't have a semester-start picnic, we should have a drag show cz going back IS A FUCKING DRAG. he wasn't invited (sigh). but he has recently been to a drag show. he whipped out his phone to show me a vid of a drag queen sitting on his lap singing a Disney song, of all things. Disney has now escaped and become a fucking invasive narrative species.

if the universe is trying to tell me something, I don't what it is.

card of the day: ace of cups. nooot feelin' it. 

but. I just hired Craig to INSTALL A DOOR. that will help with two problems. 1 I hate that fucking door, it makes that whole room ugly and swings the wrong way so that it blocks the fucking room if it's open and the room is stifling if it's shut, which means IT FAILS TO BE A DOOR by SUCKING whether it is open or shut (the only dharma of a door) 2 it will motivate me to get back to work and to earn the paycheck that will pay for the new fucking door.

I do not actually want to fall in love with Craig in four sentences or any amount of sentences. but I will love a glass patio door, with better steps for my mother, less deep + better railing, a brighter room and better access to the yard that I don't want to mow right now, but then I would wanna mow it because I could see it through the fucking door. I guess that's virgo magic: noticing that I want a door / don't wanna say "open sesame" at a fucking wall.

ugly fucking door

route around - rebelution from Ears