....then Aaron calls 👋

I cant breathe hardly. I'm not even sure what I said. I was thinking this is so much worse than you. I'd forgotten to worry about him, maybe he felt it. I can't worry about anyone but me. this PAIN 😭 I cant think hardly. my stomach 🤢 

2006 I teach, bedrock, long before and more important than any lover

that's all I did today, copy/pasted 20 years of blog/journal shit into Tarot bot

I have to keep doing this, writing and writing and writing, or I will throw up or stop breathing. I wasn't seeing any point beyond breathing keep breathing until Aaron called and told me I'd be cz fine I always am and I wanted to hang up. 

I am trying to hold a thread of MYSELF so I don't truly die RIGHT NOW writing writing writing writing 

frantic

the Absence, like a monster from Witcher, precedes Aaron by years. he was drawn TO IT, took the shape of it, recently named it "Huck"

I lost TEACHER, that's so so so much more marrow mine, a new Terrible Absence of me

another and more FOUNDATIONAL entire REALITY

I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't survive that I can't breathe 

glad he's sober, sounds fine, I do most of the talking, he can't compute this beyond dollars (will I STARVE? no, Ears or Sunshine will move in here, of course I will make virgo lists and ENDURE that is so so so so far the thing), that is not THE THING, I cant breathe I want to hang up cant listen hardly except on the brink of blasting the making amends crap (I hate men who apologize easily, they never know for what exactly) but it was a fleeting thought that was gone in a heartbeat blown out my cheat by the prevailing thought, being I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this.I can't survive this

this is soul death to me 😭 

nobody will be left on earth who understands except the other firedwiths - how do WE survive this? 😭💔 WE don't 💔😭

this is the worst thing I could have thought of happening next, short of Death

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

💔

The only thing the one has in relationship to the other is that the Absence named Huck would be able to spoon me while I sobbed if he were as solid as he has felt to me. he would understand (witness) this horrible horrible thing and live it with me. maybe be able to figure out how to extract this fucking blog, then, back up the 30 years of work that is on the OneDrive they'll shut me off from, all my own work all my own words. I never even existed, it will feel like I never existed to myself if I lose all my words. no one is gonna understand any of that at all except for my kids who treated me like a writer all day, making space 😭✍️

my soul is breaking apart anymore I can almost hear it cracking like a rib cage