Aaron gets out of the hoozgow tomorrow, 6/15 is the date he gave me anyway tho it feels like way longer than 6 days since he said it was 6 days to go. I guess I could go back through all of these tangled up in pain posts to find where he said that but I can't do that any more than I can do anything. except writing writhing reacting. "you really whizzed that thing." I could unblog it all or at least sanitize it but I cant do that either. bc I really cant reread it all, I cant feel it again right now yet 😭

last month was a year long ✍️

my mother will want to see Aaron, she has little understanding of what all is crumbling around her, no idea yet about Nick. for her I care she sees him if possible, theyre each other's markers somehow, touchbase. as far as I am concerned, he's made it (no more need of me in particular presumably)

TJ goes home early Tues then union negotiation round one. tomorrow is Monday - work (union) and trying to bracket some time for TJ whose mood has understably cratered. I'll come back up for air sometime Tuesday afternoon - a big planter arrives that day for Ears to put together to make mom happy which I am desperate to do 😭.  then mom leaves late Wed afternoon ....

all I am doing is breathing in and out, but of course I do adult stuff during that. it's like in a horror movie, I am hiding inside myself under the stairs thinking obsessively about about strawberry plants to save a corner of my tattered mind from assault 😭

as soon as she is on that fucking plane, I want raw endorphins, I wanna dig a pit 💔 

card of the day - 7 swords - that's too many, you're carrying too many