I won't stay. there are other bottom lines more important than money. if I harden my heart enough to endure this, I won't endure it, it will kill me. 

there are all kinds of ways to kill yourself. like go back to what kills you. (drives you to drink.)

but I don't need to drink. 

I can decide to die. 

I have always known that. I could just decide to die, and I would. that is why this has terrified me so profoundly: I was deciding to die. 

major symptom: I scrapbooked more than wrote for 2 years. I lost my voice. 

I cannot hurt so badly that I do that again. I caught myself barely this last neardeath. It was pride. I thought I could endure anything and not lose my mind. 

I was wrong 💔

I cannot not be an English professor. That is not survivable. I cannot work in the rubble, alone with a handful of other "survivors" of these cuts, all of us crying for a year and working to death. That is not survivable. 

neither left nor right, can't go there

It'd be crazy and I dunno if they all would agree but I think we all should quit. I don't want to be graced with the luck of keeping my job. I would rather quit so someone else can keep theirs. 9 of us of 14 will be fired. I don't want to be in the 5, and I am almost certain I will be. 

Stop. Notice. This is what I mean, at the therapist don't be impressed the winning is at best a jedi mind trick at worst it's a prison. 

struckdumb prison. scrapbooking more than speaking. in those years, 2022-24, what happened? 

I can't that again. I cannot. 

I am going to figure out how to burn the whole gen ed down. I know the ones on the list don't want to stay, they feel they must, but I have fallen for that one too many times. anything you have do "at all cost" is a deadly addiction.

I am not keeping that job (fight) at all cost. it's a fight for who I am but if I fight more I'll lose that. 

has it ever happened? has a liberal arts department, in the face of downsizing, instead of fighting for their union protected jobs, they ALL abdicated both jobs and union? just laid down arms? and then worked at hardware stores or whatever and sometimes got together the play cornhole. 

I think I'd make a good bartender. not tempted by the booze, lots of stories. writing in my head.

I am going to try to burn it down, all of it, get us all to go, no classes left to take at all ❤️‍🔥. I will probably fail but I can't not try cz I cannot live like this any more 😭 and that seems to be a universal feeling #startacult

I look how I feel, beat to shit

TJ rolling in on the midnight train ...