I think, and it’s just a guess, but I think we let go of everything and the true nature of experience falls over us. This … miracle that is existence. Which we layer with so much. With anxiety and fear and greed and smallness and what’s next and hurry up and I’ve got a meeting and all the … stuff … that gets in the way. I’m not saying we should all go live like a monk. I’m saying that if you haven’t lived the life you want, if you haven’t loved life, then at the end, I think a deep and very sad regret comes over you. 

🤔 That would be my guess as well. Maybe why my mom is relentlessly remembering (missing) all the best parts and making that shit up where necessary.

I am living an enviable life - I have a jobby job, shelter only insecure to weather, food if only I wanted to eat it, healthy kids who all love each other and me 💞💯, friends close enough that loss of them is killing me (cf to Phoenix, where I miss no body), a trusty little body. I am wanted more places than I am willing to go be, such as in Java tonight setting up for the big annual picnic tomorrow (no) or Fri weekend- warrior yoga (mayyybe). In a way, my mom is right. I am better than fine. ✅️✅️✅️

I am just not fine enough anymore to feel that at all. 

Of course I do not wish that I was an alcoholic, but I cannot count not drinking today as an achievement (I never even finish a beer). I can't even want weed enough to go one block to buy a joint.  

If I could stop main-lining nothing but sadness, now that'd be something. But I am on a "self-help" strike. Gratitude journal my scrawny ass, no. Like telling your lazy partner I AM NOT COOKING TONIGHT DAMMIT except I am talking to myself. And not cooking tonight.

Thunderstorms are starting. I should go get that joint. It'd make the coming plopplop less annoying. (I won't.)

#bangbang 

🥱 tried a reboot, back to sleep now 2nd morning - good part, nothing happened; bad part, same

 ☕️📖

“I know how to live,” I said. “I’m just … I’m in a transitional phase, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.” Called in Dead (snort)