Homecoming moon (new).
You find your way forward by returning to what feels like yours.
status: passing through Vegas
bonus track (WI): low key chopped unc
migration from one place to another is as much moving from one version of my self to another to another to another, final destination(s) still undetermined. no longer "like myself" and often more comfortable as "she" meantime.
my mother is no longer "herself" except she is deeply familiar, not in a good way, towards me. the crazy she was when I was born. it's a realtime re-enactment of that (now again with lotsa witnesses 👀), of my being not a replacement of my dead brother (not A-bone ad nauseum), not the thing that was enough to return her to sanity, not the glue enough. loved deeply but sorrowfully always. that silt at the very bottom of me, dredged up over and over. never being an occasion for joy from my first breath.
maybe if so much else had not befallen at the same time as that do-over from hell, I would not have shattered. but it did, so I did.
and unexpectedly, I can't say I like it, but I have not liked being 'so much and never enough' all along even more.
once my friends were wiped out, it was like stadium lights came on, illuminating all of it.
I want to Alive through my own extinction.
in that light, my Wish's reciprocity is coming clearer.
reverse blink: she was leaving cairns all over the place, but not to mark a return.
.jpg) |
| home ft passing through |
I quit my job - pan terra left for dead inside my job, I quit doing it as expected, like that wasp that lays eggs inside another thing's brain before it peaces out
(the air here is suffocating pea soup - it is impossible not to see metaphor in that fact)
