it is IMPOSSIBLE to be okay here. on a mountain, sweaty beat to shit, I was supposed to be gasping and was NOT, I was MORE THAN FINE. my poor sister, she was such a good sport, cz it was surviveable for her but not desireable, she nearly barfed. my niece faired better, but her insta was quickly abandoned, posing had to be traded out for panting. at the top, I said I was gonna strip down to underwear and dive - they thought I was INSANE but by the time we got up there they practically keeled over into the water. my niece taught me #fordamems, a thing you suffer for the sake of looking back on it. for them, that's what it was.
but that was ME for me. on top of that mountain, I felt complete. completely what did not trouble me at all. that is what I am always looking for and lacking. and it isn't someone else, it is just me in a context that is not wringing me out.
I can remember it, it was literally just yesterday. both realities exist. in this reality, I can't even fucking breathe.
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| I never smile in this life |
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| I am what I want. |
Tawista 8/5 - I was planning on OUTSIDE as much as possible til then, but since I can't, I am going stay on task to press that detonator button and remove myself from this shit equation. the day my dad died will be the day I died too, so that I can fucking live.
(1).heic)
