I want more fried food ft all resolutions reversed.

Four Souls, Erdrich

update: Ears let me call his father. God damn what a fucking a douchenozzle. holy hell. wisely, I called his parents first, gotta ruffle the whole hen house not one mean cock 😖 what an entitled shit, jeezus.  such as: no dude I didn't look into rehab hospitals for gaming addiction 👀 the 90s called and wants their retro pseudoscience conspiracy theories back 👀 uhhh I was wrangling his current med debt load 🙄 - there is no way in hell I could spend 10 days (!) w that twat and not be in some kinda jail, grippysock be apirational hahaha fuuuuuuck

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh 

🤔 Malta. douchenozzlEx hated it, his eyelids burnt kinda like Pringles. me and Ears coffeebean up in the sun. bet my Sis would have ideas how to go Do A Thing in Malta 🤔 anywhere the sun scorches. he wants to be taking a big ol pay cut and working at some doing good shit and not just in the Doom Zone, more upstream, like community building not just disaster response. I know just what he means, teaching used to be that, you could feel ok about it. 🤔 Puerto Rico? Greeeeece hmmm 🤔 welp, we'll see. I shitcanned Michigan. next travel options are cottage rt off, then WI or high peaks or HI in Jan or anyfucking where around his therapy schedule, frankly. I don't much care bout much else. nothing else, we'll go to Fisher Bay Manitoba.

update 😵‍💫 there is a peer advocate service (the Community something), functioning partially inside ecmc but independent of it, all graduates of rehab or the plain-bonkers floor he's on. they called and directed me to a financial aid office inside the building. imagine a woman behind plexiglass, bedecked in gobs of bills mafia gear, footballs for earrings + Jesus loves you bracelets. I tell her briefly I have nooo idea what the hell to do then start to cry 😪. I am rescue-dog mean now in my 🖤, but I am also very tired. she starts clickity clicking, almost half the the first 6k goes away, another ream of paper for me to fill out by tomorrow, disability approved through 9/27 making it harder to fire him before that date. calamity, reprieve, calamity, reprieve, repeated in bursts like that thing we saw in Yellowstone, the offgassing earth.

therapy jailhouse dog sandwich

update: they ARE releasing him tomorrow. so now I hear finally about the huge financial mess, medical debts, no coverage at all for mental health services, a 6k deductible for each category of illness/occurance, me on the hook for $180/pop for a therapist (the same copay barrier that stopped him from getting help in the first place), deadlines for fmla paperwork not getting met, job poised to let him go before disability will be paid.

total write off.

"we do have services to help him get SNAP", but only if he's not living with me, which he must.

it won't break me, it will only make me more angry and disgusted and cold 🖤. Ears doesn't have that in him, so I will be his rage and his safety net, both.

if he didn't have that net, he'd be broken by this, a system built to break you and keep you that way.

in the face of that, anarchy (chaos) is just nothing left to lose. from where I am standing, nobody (incl the people who work in it) would be worse off if the whole healthcare system burned to the ground.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). In Greek cosmogony, khaos was the gaping space before the formed universe. When you witness a bit of chaos today, think of it not as the dismantling of order or the breakdown of a system but instead as the moment before creation.

VIRGO oracle

If I were writing this horoscope for the Gun Lovers' Gambling Porn website, I might counsel my Virgo readers to maintain strict control over their wickedness, debauchery, and decadence. Why? Because now is a time when vices and sins are even more likely than usual to sow chaos and spawn big messes. However, since you are reading my oracle in a more genteel publication and are almost certainly a refined person of high integrity, I’m confident there will be minimal uproar if I dare you to tap into your raw animal energy and unruly instinctual nature. I believe it’s time to at least experiment with wilder aspects of your deep self.

that's a lot of chaos. welp. all that can be done for me right now is righting my body to maintain its sanity. my ass is full of new pellets and more vitamin shots and whatever they stick back there so I don't keep dropping weight and revving my worry engine while I sleep. it'll take another couple days for that to be fully on board, returning me to my natural tulip-y engine-that-couldness, and thus returned to the problem(s) of my self being very-not-dead, wandering through this current life bereft and half-starved. and I found in me a strong readiness to desert this life entirely, on my toes poised to run like hell. what does that say about me? I'm still too in this moment to really know.

alls I know it, I stopped meeting peoples' eyes a week ago at least. sparks fly out mine and for what? to be met with casual cruelty faces in scrubs, or (worse) half-marblized disappearedness in the eyes of inmates whom I assume traded a piece of themselves in hopes of saving the rest (and lost that bet).