update again: (taking deep breaths) - I brought him charlie the butcher, one of our favorites, and books but they wouldn't let him keep the hardcovers 😪 - the staff were very nice, the look on their faces = I was out of my depth and him out of water CLEARLY and they tried the best they could to be soft a little, give us extra time. the other inmate who got a visit at that time (so he got extra too) was a young man around same age as Ears (maybe even younger) who had every kind of gun I could quickly identify - sarahconnor, AK, etc - very freshly tattooed on his face all over it. he was being visited by his uncle who did not bring him lunch. I'll go back tomorrow hopefully at the same time w Sis in tow bc Ears very much wants to SEE EVERYBODY (!) and hates the food, has to scarf down whatever he can in that 30 min window I can have only one of in a day. 

Tomorrow it's hardcore comfort for lunch: pbj & Intense milk.

Ears hates the life he's living, not his life, and his brain can't find the diff and god I know exactly what that is, how that feels, your own being alive feels like the addiction you have to kick somehow but it's your way of living you gotta blow the fuck up. so that is what we are gonna do 💣. 

and btw, he met a "wise girl" in there, she's been in about a month, he can't quite pronounce her name properly (chalupa is certainly nqr 🤣)

I know how to blow up a life, my sis knows how, you/we/all know about the dynamite set up all around your whole damn life and you press down like roadrunner blowing up the coyote. I will always adore my sister for putting us through a year long excruciating wedding planning - the party WAS great, to be fair - then landing after her honeymoon and fucking my CURRENT brother-in-law almost IMMEDIATELY. it was terrible, of course, but. it had to be done 💣

This continued to be topic of conversation once we are reconvened (i.e. "NO", discuss). My sister cleaned his apartment. My daughter cleaned his bathroom in particular and also delivered his cat to my closest friend, who lovingly took his cat. I told Ears, and it's true, this is the kinda time that women like us do this thing like an inward flocking and clucking in a closed protective circle.

NO continued to be the subject of conversation in the henhouse because my sister is still fully faithful in grit, which she says (with great gravity) that I taught to her (and has made her rich). People are attracted to that and I should monetize it ...

No. 

Just no. 

Grit is not relentlessly open sesame at walls, it is not always just doubling down, it is not autonomic Yes. 

stop and think. #lotto-test

I've changed my mind, not once, but many times and had currently come to the conclusion that 1 too much grit will lead you to suicide 2 there is not much that anyone else can do to stop ya if that's what you're going to do. 

Obviously I'm rethinking conclusion #2. I don't think I come to that same conclusion where a child is concerned. I'm not thrilled maybe but okay non-acute atm is good enuff re the middleaged #doyouboo. But re my kids, I'm gonna try to stop ur suicide all day long relentlessly, snarl at me or not, slow or fast NO!, you can't have cookies before dinner (no dirtnap before you live the whole time allotted 🙏🕯 on this earth). 

And re me no, I am not going to hustle my streetcred in academia again, no to linkedin, fuck all that, I would rather breed axolotls. 

A different grit is required for no-more-hostilities living. It is a reverse fierceness to hold the higher ground (Eggs' instincts were excellent imo, if u feel shitty go to high ground and hissssssss).

preggers w TJ @ Sis first wedding - by the time that kid was born, both our marriages were burnt toast

update: I get to bring him lunch later, so I got dressed ... I didn't plan this, the dog already had his new fall shirt on, I just have very consistent taste in things - the look on my sister's face was priceless

the jail motiff was just absurd enough to cut the gloom

hopelessly early I sit in the hospital parking lot savoring his voice "Hi, I'm calling from the loonie bin." it's hoozgow, I told him, The Knife's word for grippysockjail

my sister has become the type of person too busy to type a text, and so she sends audio texts first thing in the morning with to-do lists

I do really appreciate it, but it's a good thing she's not a virgo on top of that 👀 oof