update: scary how quickly a person can accept a new worse normal - it's not a good trait, specieswide, to be so dory-the-fish. I like being adaptive, but getting used to even-shittier all-the-time, not so much. the quest tech who took my blood yesterday has kids these ages too, "the world is trying to kill us now, that's rough on them." I mean, that's been true long as I can remember, but she's right, not like this. what used to be called "launching" is now more like being blown out of a canon to nowhere. def needs a BIG stop-and-think imo. so I guess that is what we are doing on the micro-level, a kid a time, each their own set of experiments at faceplanting. right now, it's all about this kid, Ears, by far the biggest-hearted one of them all.

yesterday in the car dealership when we finally got to the guy who could fix the problem, he told us that he remembered Ears, such a nice guy, his mom is a professor right? (my sister was doing the talking - at that point I just froze in dontcry dontcry dontcry)

it's going to take a minute for I could have lost him stops stopping me like that, coming over me like a wave, my teeth clamped hard against it until it passes

💣sizzle👁💔😭🖕❤️‍🔥 firing all at once, my brain shooting from the hip like a motherfucker 

my sister is already working while I drink coffee and compatmentalize enough to face all the segmental needs of today

today: guns - lunch w Ears - paperwork - grab bills from his apt - 2nd lunch w baby (Sis hasn't met the newest one) - more preparing here for him to live and one more night w my sister

Ears right now how his day goes: breakfast then free time, lunch then rec room free time, dinner then free time til bed. any group therapy?, any kind of therapy?, nope. Just not-offing yourself until you're not gonna, that is all. 

And now he's not gonna, seems calm and very bored, but being ever like himself, he says nothing all day, doesn't ask questions, just politely waits it out. That can't last. I saw a fuller room of inmates yesterday, including his roommate who is bonafide bonkerinos (poor thing), huge young man clinging to his tiny mother, crying like it's the first day of kindergarten. 

they're gonna need Ear's bed in that unit, and will at least move him to a floor, at which point are we back to voluntarily? nobody there but the damn security guards know/say anything, swamped yesterday with mothers. like Ears, I said nothing. why bother? they are not in charge. we are not in charge. Ears is not in charge. nobody seems to be IN CHARGE of the zoo/daycare-from-hell. so we wait and prepare prepare prepare for the eventuality of his release...

when I called to make my daily lunch appointment, they couldn't find him for like 5 minutes. "oh yea he is still here" finally 🤦🏻‍♀️ wtaf

#nervewrackingaf

meanwhile, the conference call re my mother. god she is suuuuch an ASSHOLE just as much as my dad, lies like a rug about EVERYTHING and deflects questions with jokes / without answering at all. it takes over an hour to get her on zoloft and a knee xray ordered. "I'm FINE!" I hear her bullshitting in the background. fine, except for not being to move your leg or think one thought that isn't something to cry about for A FUCKING YEAR, you are driving the rest of us NUTS! "How's Bruno?!" she deflects again, my sister having none of it, he says to take of yourSELF and your ass is going on zoloft god damn it 🤨...

#caregiving 🫩

welp, best I enjoy a shit shave and shower reset before it alllll gets rolling again