update: apparently the cats nerves are also shot - he has allergies? meows constantly now like a maniac 😖

update: Dr Note finally saw him and refaxed everything to everybody. I dunno what that fixes, but now at least everyone has to shut the fuck up, stop robocalling me asking when's coming back to work like truant officers and I'm a derelict, etc. it's all underwriters' problems now for a spell in a system of their own utter chaos. 

status: (new strategy learned) if chaos is thrown at you THROW IT BACK vs virgostyle try to make it sensible.

as I wanted, for now the one thing he cannot do is look for a new job (DECIDE ANYTHING), no applications to anywhere, nada. he's just gotta let me pay for everything til further notice, as if he got a very bad concussion, which is how he is right now. no guilt about it, no soon-looming deadlines about it. and just a few more things to move and homed is also a settled question.  pressure off his already imploding skull. 

you'd think thatd be hard on me, but it isn't, I'll figure the practical stuff out. pressure on his imploding skull felt like a vice grip on my own fucking brain. that shit is hard on me (!)

(breathe)

we each react to the paperwork reprieve, almost wordlessly moving into it: secure home base now. we go grocery shopping (trader joes so I could get flowers). I walk into the house and start cleaning - vacuum lines on the area rugs settle my nerves. he walks in and straight through to the yard where be builds a strawberry planter box that's been sitting here for months. "I want vitamin D," he says. I listen to CSNY really loud so he can here it through the window, and I clean out a desk drawer for all his medical shit (a fuckton), moving it off the kitchen counter where it has been staged for the day, all day every day, for weeks 😖

still my fave recipe for being okay: house clean, bills paid, man close. 

today's variation: house cleaner, bills fathomable, manchild close. I'll take it.

home should be homey

update: mom-simmering in waiting rooms 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Like the sinking sun under a beautiful sunset, someone has colored the sky of your mind before disappearing. But the sun will rise again, and so will your relationship. The connection is somehow both illusory and real.

jesus, is that you dawg? 🙄