negotialgia - the feeling of obligation to get out of a bed warmed by beloved pets to face a workly cold day full of draining human relationships

I want a new adventure. I want you to wish that for me. if it Was my lAst day On eaRth

🤯 

 The good old days.

pandemic scrapbooking

 

"I want to forget this year, but I'm also afraid I won't remember this year." Louise Erdrich, The Sentence.

A couple emails on the same upsetting subject, one of those ghastly town halls on zoom, a typical day, I stood to take a break and threw up, and it felt like this year, it *was this time*. I threw up time. Another year of it. Behind and in front of is. I wretched and wretched and wretched.

Then I got into bed with the best medicine I have, my dogs and Louise Erdrich. I read about dogs who take death for their humans, who hold souls against the roofs of their mouths unbarking to keep them safe. Dball barks at everything, and I petted him. Ok, I'll be the dog, I said to him (he's my witness). I'll take the bullet for the baby. Then I cried a long time and said I'm sorry to everyone I've wronged, all my good intentions. I am sorry. And I won't bark.

I read a book once that started with the heroine getting run over by a car. As she faded, she realized the she loved her life, a life she had just been cursing out as she crossed the street. She wanted it, after all.

I don't remember what book it was. But I remember that part of it. I think of it nearly every day. (I might have blogged about it before in another dark time)

I love my life. Remember that, I tell myself. As I feel  fuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckfuckfuckthissucksfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisbullshitfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitkissmyfatassfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammititfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfedupgoddammitfuckthisfed

T bone is still amazingly alive despite all efforts to kill himself by swagger and 360 degree resistence to every body. I know he's suffering, alone, thinking probably something like "I love my life / fancy like"

f😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖u😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖c😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖k

how to entertain a bedridden manchild with a phone 

well, *I* am entertained at least

and I was entertained today by lewdle, also, which I guessed right finally but I had to look it up ("bussy"), a google search which took me to an engagement ring store via a pop up, the same one, so apparently google thinks the internet activity evidence that I'm presenting of my dad being in the hospital means something very different 🤷‍♀️🤣🤦‍♀️

#dumbgoogle

Update: he is being such an acute asshole that they're sending him home 2/5 alllll betttter lol #hispoornurses