heard this while I was waiting for my fish fry togo order tnite - I was watching Shaun White do mute commentary for a bmx competition on the pub tv

http://galleries.buffalonews.com/photo.php?gname=gallery_1311812612.txt&item=8

http://galleries.buffalonews.com/photo.php?gname=gallery_1311812612.txt&item=8

a man who matters

it is hot as hell

back to work today, another mid-summer blowout, siiiigh - faculty are brats, administrators are dickheads, both are arrogant to a fault

that's alex

I didn't want to be here anymore for a while (a stalker can't follow me to WI, presumably) and wanted to see my peeps besides - and what better occasion than a big party at which nobody is getting married?

More later on my relentlessly insane parents, but right now I have to shovel out my house before my head . . .

it's actually very beautiful, I'm ashamed to keep giggling about it cz once I got it home and saw the price and product info on it and Amy's hubby explained to me what it's made of (maple, not veneer, and mother of pearl w abalone along the neck, etc etc), I realized Tony had wanted to be taken seriously at his store by donating a serious instrument . . I have zero idea how to even hold it correctly, I sit on the couch with it and touch it lightly all over and listen to it say whatever

update: going to Black Keys at Artpark tnite

that damn doctor kept me there all damn day, literally, from noon til almost 5, to look at me for o 5 minutes . . he asks, How you feeling? Fine. "Well then you're fine."
>:/

then I picked up my new Transformer (I think the name bodes well - tho I have zero idea how to use this badboy) - it looks like a laptop but it works more like a phone only different <:/

Dave installed the lights - then we had a bit of difficulty over whether I owed him money still on that roof. once upon a time, I'd have swallowed that $1k, but, well - I guess I had a John-moment: No. it's not so much that I'm tired of overpaying for handyman things (which I SO am), or that it was clearly an unfair price for what amounted to 2 half days of sticking flashing on (which it was, especially after a 3 yr wait for this to be friggin done and about $6k altogether in getting f'd by it already), it's more like my skin just went hard. DmS says, "You don't care what I think" and in a way she's right. I feel very alone inside my skin, which maybe lately if you tapped on it you'd feel metal. my ability to get out of it and jump into anyone else's point of view is very low, as is my capacity for anyone else in here then too.

then went to the Wheel with Nunu, whom I have not seen in forever, and Thighs played and tho he's now weird around me a little (I've not known him thru a full cycle, I have a feeling, that goes from 1 you're pretty 2 kissy face 3 omg catholic freak out 4 repeat 2&3 a few times 5 act weird and kiss/hug/talk to everyone BUT me 6 ?? repeat 1-5?? dunno - it's a little irritating, but hey I'm a social retard too in my own ways) he can sure play, whoa man. I talked to her about the gun thing, which I was probably just going to talk about so that people would think I already had one which I do not, and am not sure what the process is of getting one permit-wise, and neither is she, but for her own reasons has been thinking about it as well. so we're going to find out together, which is perfect, there's nobody more rational and systematic in their approach to a task/topic than she is, she won't give a rats ass about pink vs pearl (and neither do I)

then home, which after all that you'd think I'd sleep, but nope - not til the sun starts to come up, till then it's like catnapping w one eye open. NOW I'd love to go back to sleep, I'm going to try not to, this can't keep up forever . .

I like this song

today: the piano tuner is coming at 1, I'm sorting old clothes for a goodwill dropthing down the street, I'm going to HomeDepot for lightbulbs, I'm grading papers til they are done for the summer

slept again most of today, what can I say?, I don't sleep at night anymore way worse than I ever did which was never great. so I walked. I walked the mall. I walked the village. I ran almost 5 miles at the end of the day. then ate as much pasta as I could hold. it's almost 1 a.m., and now finally I think I might sleep awhile, but not bc of all that effort. sometimes, your own self just is not all you need in this life some kinda way, ya know? you need to borrow quarter, like for the meter.

Aaron (ex-student, now friend), helped me pick one (the mosquito) - he's gonna teach me how to shoot it if I want . . did you know ambulance drivers (he hates that term, it's EMT!) carry guns usually cz even when though they're trying to help well people just suck and are often dangerous besides. I gave him an A for a (doomed) wedding present (no, he didn't do that final paper, o well, what the fuck ever), so I guess, well, I dunno, I let him help me a little, let people help me just a little in general >:/

meanwhile, slept most of the day (don't sleep well at night) then went to hear Clyde at Waterstreet, Tony got shitfaced drunk and sounded way better then he ever does sober (what is up w that? a musician universal truth), got hit on a butgillion times til I ran away (him laughing, ha fucking ha), now home to listen for funny noises and watch netflix.

today: cleaning (told ya), then the Lewiston Music fest from 5-6 to hear Thighs (tho lordy his kissy face thing royally pissed me off last, sooo not in the mood for foolishness, fyi via the universe to all those who might think of doing so: DO NOT KISS ME DO NOT EVEN HUG ME UNLESS I HUG YOU DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME I DO NOT LIKE IT AND IF I DANCE I WANT TO DO IT ALONE, I'll let you know when/if my mood shifts again) playing w someone I haven't heard before, a woman who plays native percussion. then probably Powertrain, ie Crown Chakra and Jeff singing, at the Lasalle Sportsman Club. there are so many simultaneous music fests and charity benefits happening all at once right now that all the people I know are literally racing from one thing to the next to work, and I take breaks to come home and feel stalked and lonely and awful then just give up and head back out again. could be worse.

The boys drove away, I watched them turn the corner, I wondered how I'm gonna stand it (I'm going to clean, I won't even seem unhappy, the usual, inner clenching of will), and John texts right then, "I'm fine", as if he heard me inner-howl. Well, I'm not so fine, fine maybe but for sure not great, if you could care

talked this morning on the phone w tony for an hour, made me feel better and worse. we swapped stalker stories and controlfreak stories and whatnot, which made me feel better - but he's got more options than I do: he knows his stalker so the police put an end to his situation; he's back w the gf that it never works out with but he knows her and she's a comfort, which I so understand obviously, and I frankly would do that too if I could but my comfortlover is dead; and finally, of course, Tony's a man.

today: we're going to buy flippers and get TJ sized for a bike, get hotdogs and smokingjoe's and ice cream cones in youngstown near the fort. then the boys will be on holiday w their dad's family in WI for 10 days. and I will be alone. tonight, my first night alone, I'll have the option of walking into town at 10ish to hear Clyde (Tony's band) kick off the Lewiston Music Fest, or I could go into nf to the Wagon Wheel for the songwriters open mic (ie Thighs and D Thurman singing w Jeff). probably either would mean I go alone, as Sun has no babysitter. or I could stay home alone.

anywhichway, there is no way I'm getting thru this day without crying so I'm not even gonna try

update: the mail bundle was misplaced/delivered and has been returned to me. ever wonder how you'd ever possibly be happy to see $2k worth of bills? well now ya know

I am literally physically unable to call the electrician/handyman that Amy recommended, or the one who put the dishwasher in cz this whole thing started right around then, etc. I simply do not want anyone in here I don't know. I'm pissed at myself and so pissed off that I have to feel this way altogether. I finally emailed Dave - that's fraught but at least I know for shizzle that he's safe :(

rest of the day: taking the kids out to eat, probably steelheads, maybe back to the pool in youngstown, maybe to buy Cal a new bike at wallyworld. we're also going to the library. we might see Super8 tonight in nf at the regal12. no piano lesson today - guess what? Tony is being stalked too, his whole own rockstar trouble, dealing w the police etc. I wouldn't wish it on anybody so I feel guilty that it's oddly comforting that at this moment he knows exactly how I feel :(

I got a fave pic of my grandpa, I have it where I see it asap when I get up in the morning, his arms open for me cz I'm about to give him a patpat. meanwhile, spent the whole damn day with tech people. Yahoo has spanked and suspended Mr Dick(less). according to tech (and a private investigator who works for Blackhawk [no I'm not kidding] [this is NF, the ghetto, ya know how many dudes go into the military? um all the ones without a guitar, pretty much] [Sunnie knows him]) there is no way to get Mr Dick(less)'s real identity through an email address. anybody could be anybody. BUT the head of the IT dept at work will in the meantime make a website that'd track him to his house if he visits it for when/if he surfaces with a new email, something with a sexy sounding address to tempt him - that's pretty badass, eh? I'll take that solution if I need it. then Sunnie's bro helped me pick a tablet [backordered til the 13th ugh], take back the new laptop, get rid of the old ones after getting the music off, blabla

the bundle of mail which was withheld at the post office while I was away and then delivered in a lump was stolen off my buddha bench

today is the 5th. I was supposed to get my highlites touched up. halfway thru, the boyz didn't answer the phone at home so I went racing out of with my hair quick rinsed and standing on end. FBI guy is unofficially casing me to see who is casing me, and that is a lawyer/judgedude who lives a few blocks away and goes those few blocks out of his way to drive by here as many as 10x a day in his various automobiles to be less obvious about it but if I'm not outside he craaaaaawwwwwwls by waiting to get a glimpse of me, and goes round and round the block if Cal is outside cz then he knows I'm somewhere close. however, he might not be the guy who is emailing me, believe it or not, that person might be a student (or coworker), since although the email is a yahoo acct one of the msgs seems to start via the campus IP so the security people of the college are working on that . . .

fyi, none of this is illegal. it's BORDERLINE harassment, but that's it. until/unless he threatens to hurt me, watching me come and go is perfectly legal. even emailing me your junk, since I'm not a minor, that is no great shakes in the world of cyberstalking.

so I should just go about my business, but wow man it's hard to feel normal. everywhere I go, if a dude looks at me (which um is kinda all the time, just saying, you'd think that would be less and less the older I get but not so much, I dunno, I guess the world has so much milf porn in it now that I'm my own little fetish category or something cz men look at me All The Time) I get utterly completely weirded out. the fireworks last night, omg, we finally retreated to the other end of artpark AWAY from the fireworks so I could look at them and not at the people who might be looking at me. and as for sleep, forget it, I'm going on 48 hours now almost entirely sleepless. ie I'm a freaked out cranky fucking bitch BIG TIME, with fatigue cotton mouth and the urge to slap the shit out of anyone I don't know

rest of the day: eat out (too tired to cook) and nap somehow, maybe at the youngstown pool so the kids have something to do and lifeguards watching while I try to doze off if I can

I'm being cyberstalked. Some idiot is emailing me pics of his dick and I was throwing em out thinking it was spam even though it was weird, how the messages included my name, "I'm under your spell sexy G---" etc. Then I got one last night that referenced lunch I had w Amy (margaritas in nf, a new place she turned me onto, I like tamales) and wondered how my camping trip went . . Nice huh? Uber catholic dude who says he can't talk to me cz I'm 'kryptonite' all of a sudden at whose bday party umpteen mutual friends and ugly polish relatives stare at me like I've got 2 heads while my ride ie my best friend's hubby gets jealous as if there's anything going on w either of them which there is not and on the side I get cyberstalked. And why am I blogging this? Well because I stopped blogging - bc nobody reads this - bc I miss John sometimes and I don't want to cz he doesn't want me to - etc etc etc - but now that I want to know where I was on 6/15, I have no record of it cz I've stopped blogging. So. Um. Today is 4th of July. I will be at a party on Oneida St, at the home of the people who run the belowthefalls magazine, where Tony will be playing his guitar from 4 pm til fireworks. Yesterday I was at home mostly - but I went to the Basilica in Landcaster to light a candle to get grounded - because the day before that was the bday party and that had freaked me out. The bday party was at a park in nf, Oppenheim Park, and most of the people I know where there in addition to Thighs and his weird wife and all his relatives all of whom wear ginormous crucifix necklaces on heavy chains. The week prior to that I was in Letchworth, in cabin c6 with the boyz, and Sunnie's whole extended family had the other cabins. The week before that, all I can remember is the party at the Marina on Grand Island, I found a turtle in the road and freed him in the river, Thighs kissed me (he does that, it's the Guinness goes to his head, he doesn't mean anything by it much and then he goes into tizzies of self-loathing over it and puts a ton of money in the collection plate at mass whatever like a lunatic). The week before that sometime, I can't remember when, I went to Waterstreet w Sun and Jeff and Chris (base player who is in our drum circle - superduper shy, nice guy, only ever says about 10 words - but he made fun of Pete in a good natured way, Pete was singing, and it cracked me up like crazy, and I remember thinking "Chris is ok"). Before that, I can't remember . . . it all blurs by early June, nothing stands out, I don't remember talking to anyone new or special . . the only people I know now that I did not know in May are the Thurman Bros, D and J, songwriters both in their late 50's who helped w Tony's store move. To the best of my knowledge, I do not know anyone who could be that dude in the pic, nobody that skinny and with no tattoos and with the gay tendency to shave his balls. Normally, from the look of that pic, I'd say 'a student', but no student knows anything about my personal life whatsoever, except Story who does not know Amy and who would never EVER do such a thing nooooo waaaaaaay - if anything he's even more reserved than John and Tony, who are both very reserved obviously. That's it. I have no idea who this could be, and/but someone is watching me. So I guess I'll go on about my business and wait for Mr FBI next door to work his magic on tracking email addresses whatever and keep blogging where I am going so that if I disappear someone knows where to start to look.