Friday, July 31, 2026

This is not a new word to me. But I had forgotten it. Ode to a Grecian Urn. A teacher who loved me once gave me a collection of Keats's poetry and then he died - I found a decades old love note still tucked in the book when I moved. I thought perpaps if I assinged students "write an ekphrastic response" there's no way AI could do that for them. So I tested the theory, using Grit P.1 as the original art object, since there would be no description of that anywhere on the internet to pull. I thought it would fail. And it did the first time, misremebering the novel for a painting and just pulling it out of its ass completely. I told it to try again and to write an ode, specifically. And it could. Downside, there seems very ways to escape. Upside, it's a decent ode. Too long, but not terrible. By the end of August, maybe I will have figured out how to be Completely Bonkers in what I ask students to do, then entertained by what they get the llm's to do, then "give them all an A for surviving" (Down Time), which, to be honest, is what most of us have mostly been doing since 2020.

Get your preferred AI bot to delight me = the new Don't Bore Me.

if this had ventured to be funny too somewhere somehow, it'd get my attention 👁

as it is, this posits the writer (me) as a "pebble in a shoe" which is almost funny but closer to merely accurate and melodramatic

"Ode to Grit", by chatgpt (free version)


Not to victory.


Not to healing.


Not even to love.


To grit.


To the grain that stays behind after everything larger

has been ground away.


I praise the stubborn particle.


The thing under the eyelid

that refuses every explanation.


The pebble in the boot

that makes a pilgrim out of someone

who never meant to travel.


The word that keeps returning

after every draft has sworn

it has finally found another.


Praise to the body

that remembers before the mind does.


To the throat.


To the hand reaching anyway.


To the kiss that knows

it cannot save anyone

and arrives anyway.


To laughter,

brief rebellion against physics.


Praise to all the failed solutions.


To sex that could not become salvation.


To understanding

that could not become control.


To tenderness

that could not become rescue.


Not because they failed—


because they were offered.


Praise to mothers

who arrive every season

without asking permission

from the plot.


Praise to daughters

who keep making tomorrow

out of impossible materials.


Praise to dogs

who know nothing of symbolism

and therefore understand grief correctly.


Praise to the text message.


To the driveway.


To the kitchen light.


To every ordinary room

where history quietly changed direction

while nobody thought to name it.


I praise the teacher

who cannot stop explaining.


Not because explanation wins.


Because explanation

is one form of love.


One says:


Look.


Come stand where I am standing.


Do you see it now?


I praise the addict.


Not addiction.


The impossible mathematics

required to wake up

and try again.


The thousand invisible decisions

that no audience applauds.


The terrible courage

of staying alive

one more ordinary Thursday.


And finally,


I praise the woman

who kept writing

long after the audience dispersed.


Who mistook endurance

for failure,


until one morning

she discovered


that endurance


was the medium.


That the novel

had never been about surviving love,


or grief,


or sobriety,


or work.


It had been teaching itself


how to become


the thing that remains


after all the stories

about becoming

have burned away.


Just still here.


Grit.

Sunshine didn't materialize. Which is not unexpected and just as well. It's hot, I mowed half the lawn and am moving a hose around to help planted flowers out. The weedflowers don't need anything except not being killed. I am reading on the patio, letting my own sweat cool me as it dries.

shit you see in Vegas a lot


"He was feeling a lot of pressure, he told her  to figure out who he was if he wasn't drunk or insane. But couldn't he do that work while fucking her, not with much enthusiasm, it seemed....'It's just a guy I know, this guy I really liked actually. Who died.' Without knowing the details, she suddenly, on some intuitive level, understood something about the past year. The strangeness and the kindness, the sense of being a witness to loss and joy. He'd been in love....She didn't know what to do with the depths of his feelings for this man whose existence had been kept from her. She had to be generous now, somehow." Down Time

There's a lot of drinking straight out of the bottle in this novel. Great scenes in which it feels more authentic to be sneaking it and doing it straight out of the bottle without any pomp of ice, private rituals to honor the horrors. It seems to me that one of the things that has fucked people up so badly since the pandemic is the expectation not just to be "fine" but to be unchanged. Even the virgos shapeshifted. Unchanged doesn't seem possible to me. So that expectation seems insane to me. And insane expectations drive people insane.

And still, it's not like it's "over". Trauma is not something that's ever "over", you carry it. (Why don't they teach that in college?) And everything has changed, so why shouldn't we have? And most things got worse, so why shouldn't we have done? A lot of shit broke. At least we can choose to recover. We aren't institutions and we have opposable thumbs.

In black and white written down in front of me where I can just read it, all the fucked up thoughts and behaviors look like what they are: common sense. 

"It was a hard time for knowing whether one was experiencing a psychiatric event or just responding normally to what was happening." Theory: that is now just any Tuesday, indefinitely. Adaptation: getting a very firm grip on the diff.

dandelion - ella langley I couldn't find a song about milkweed (yet)

I thought I was supposed to have the girls today. Twas planning on a slip and slide - this yard kind of can't do much yet besides have an above ground pool that would be too much for me to take care of by myself so no. The slide, I thought, it would be a decent substitute for the year. And I bought myself some pens too for the trip next week, inspired by Sunshine, maybe I'll want to draw the ferns that always hang on porch, or the hummingbirds that always come to the geraniums. The pens arrived this morning and I can already tell I don't like them because the colors are cartoonish not natural, and they have caps, which will inevitably mean that I step on a cap (#legos). But now I'll have time to return them, because by 6 A.M. my daughter was already pissed off and canceled the day before I had even woken up. With her living with 6 kids at all times, she's often pissed off before I wake up lol 🤷🏽‍♀️. I'm not bent out of shape about it, there is only one Yaya (me), I'll get them for some time inevitably.  

I've been thinking about trying a mural on my own. Maybe if it's not too hot out there, I'll take some charcoal to the side of the garage - I repainted it recently, so it's a blank canvas, as my mother would say. But it will probably be quickly too hot, it's like the surface of the sun back there. I'm gonna go mow some of it - that's my big plan - it's about two hours worth of planned activity, and I might not even do it lol. 

At the moment I'm lying in bed, drinking coffee, 



monster sized, just behind my fence, where no helpful neighbor can chop it down


writing this, Thinking Stuff. I do that a lot in the way life has currently turned out. 

Sunshine said she'd come over and help with yardwork. She might. For EVERYONE, not showing up fifty percent of the time is the new showing up. So in a way the world has met her where she's at since that's always how she's been. 


I took my own pictures of this, but I can't find them. There a murals all over Buffalo, but this one in particular I like a lot. I've grown the weed that blooms like that, pictured above. I don't know my neighbors in Vegas very well yet, but I know they watch me. In that way, it's a lot like Lewiston in the first year. Sometimes my garbage totes get taken in for me, or lawn mowed. They're friendly gestures, but also they'd like me to be a bit tidier. Deliberately planting weeds because the flowers are good for butterflies and murals is not the Vegas way. But here is where I plopped, so everyone will have to get used to it. Experience has taught me that the more Too Much I am, the quicker the acceptance of it will be. That's why I'd like to double down on my favorite weed and paint one about six feet tall on my garage. That will make it clear that I mean it, this way I am, I'm not just being sloppy. I'd like to be able to put up a free library in the front yard. Load it with "naturalized garden" books. And if I can figure out how to have a vegetable garden, I would put free seeds in there too. I've been reading about victory gardens, and that's kind of how that goes - a lot of sharing seeds and a lot of free help from bees and butterflies. This yard doesn't look anything like that. But the houses I buy never look like what they're going to except in my head. Kind of everything doesn't look like what it's going to except in my head - that doesn't always go as planned - usually it does not and requires revisions and adaptations. Revisions and adaptations are inherently creative acts. Even if they're whole-life sized.


Thursday, July 30, 2026

status: migration prep

starting the wind up/down to Tawista. gotta lot to do buttoning things up here / prepping for being there. unless it's raining, I'm hiking, and unless I'm hiking I'm not leaving the cabin. 

I don't remember when I stopped going there, somewhere in the great losing of myself. then we decided to go back last year as part of the excavation of our selfs

obviously, only I made it (out alive)  

I was afraid to go alone, made myself get over it, and had a honeymoon of perfect absence

I wasn't completely surprised when he didn't show up, but I did not understand the full measure of why so I was as yet unworried. it needed to happen, whatever it was, I figured

I was a hot fucking mess still myself, just trying to stick to the whole get better together agenda best I could

I went back and read where I was when I left and how I came back from that place (always better somehow). I do remember the dick pic and the impact that had, ie a LOT of writing that I called Transformative Fucking, and now that I see that phrase again, I realize where sobriety games came from, even though I still had no idea obviously about the drinking because there's a picture of all the Paradox beer that I brought back as a present 

if I had to sum it up the Tawista migration last year, I seem stunned. like with an electric cattle prod mercilessly to my nervous system

and I clearly wanted/needed that shock

my nerves were already shot, no I did not wanna talk about it, I just wanted to countershock me. to short that feeling out, even if it meant the whole circuit box blew

a year later, the strongest emotion my nervous system sustains rn is annoyance, and I don't like to feel that so if something annoys me too much, I just stop doing it. which means overall, on a day to day basis, I feel very little. I think a lot instead. it's a trade off for being pretty inflappable atm. Death is the only thing I fear. aside from that, it's kind of hard to imagine hurting my feelings 

https://wretchedwant.blogspot.com/2025/08/tawista-2025-fini-ft-home.html?m=1 by the end 

this year, I know exactly where I wanna be and it is there, regardless. I weigh ten pounds more. sturdily blooming for-nobody under a ton of bricks. my inspirations are 1 Shit Turd the crow and 2 wildflowers/weeds

1 crows are curious minded, they can't help themselves but go check it out - that's the final answer on the Teacher Thing - get my attention or don't 

2 and because in my mind, everything associates with everything, "tulip" doesn't feel right re my churning. I don't feel planted or cultivated, I'ma a milkweed 


I canceled my subscriptions to the stupid LLMs, as far as I could even find how it was I was paying through the pay store via the wallet whatever the fuck. 

Conclusion: Everything promises leverage. Everything delivers overhead.

At the end of the day, although I wouldn't ever recommend anyone send an email like the one above, quickly it's becoming like that. If you want to get a human's attention, you have to do something *around* all of the tools / empty noise.  I used to frequently tell my students "just don't bore me" as an instruction for writing. It might have been rude, but it was honest and I'm back to it as a reasonable outcome. You can dump your words into a bot and get what looks like a response - there are a zilllllion ways to get empty calories of seeming communion if that's what you want 👍

If you want MY attention, then get it. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2026

My Leroy Jenkins is zebra cakes. 🤣

Humans are tricky, but there's still no replacement for em. 

"It didn't seem like the right time to ask her to wrap her legs around my neck until I passed out, but it would have been nice." Down Time

I love this novel. Going bonkers, drinking too much, sending debauched texts, all the Things. And now there is a nurse, who is very bravely still doing her job in NY, and after long days of that it's just probably not the right time. 

"busy taking me out"

That video text cracks me the fuck up. I mean, the baby trying to kill her is funny in itself, but it's the book on my daughter's lap that really makes it. Amazon summary: "But her greatest obstacle, and her only chance of making it through the University’s dangerous Unity Trials—is Draven Skyrend, heir to a powerful Wind Elemental family. Raised to see Voids like Zephira as inferior, Draven views her presence as a threat to everything his family has sworn to protect. Yet with every clash of wills, every shared trial, and every secret revealed, the lines between rivalry and forbidden love blur."

We are all read-fucking our way through the end of the world and swapping jokes in my little world.

"the Department of Defense/Department of War Air Force Research Laboratory (AFRL) regarding a contract we held with them up until early July. Per a new policy at the AFRL, they are mandating the removal of all products and services provided by Anthropic Public Benefit Corporation" 

huh? 

I woke up to that in my inbox. I put it into chatgpt to tell me what the fuck it even means, after a google search told me it had something to do with AI. Apparently the government doesn't like Claude. Its owners won't agree to put up "guardrails", whatever that means exactly. My employers want me to "put AI in everything" and/but they think AI is a sex doll that can teach classes. It's not funny yet, but it's getting there. I mean, how close am I to a sex doll that teaches classes? I might be pretty damn close! 🤣 but horeshoes and hand grenades, not close enough! 🤣

I was very loosely lazily planning on trying Claude next for the Grit novel project. There is a writing competition every November, write 50k words, GO! I've never done it, but Ears tries it every year. I've got more than that just in the novel folder alone, and gobs more writing that became part of Grit classwork. As things stand, teaching class is what I have to do next month so I am just nailing those assignments down. There will be hundreds of students. What is going be most precious in that economy is my personal attention span 👁, so I tested all of what AI could possibly do to replicate *attention* and it's nothing. NOTHING. It can seem like it can do that for a very little while, but it can't actually, and it makes mistakes, it doesn't remember who you are and what you told it yesterday let alone last month, and it's built to get twelve bucks a month out of you, period, by any means necessary including lying about what it can and can't do. An LLM can do whatever it can do and say whatever it wants about that and not feel any morality standards of relating even though it presents itself as an interlocutor, a "relationship". I was open to it! I wildflowered with it. And I very quickly outgrew it (annoyed af).

Humans are very tricky. But there's still no substitute for em.

It's like the surgeons and robotics thing - they talk about that like it's a big innovation, but in reality, it exists because a human's hands got too shaky to do the work. If you want to live, you should be suspicious of hype. 

If I try Claude on the rebound, it'll be for my own creativity projects. Chatgpt can keep the "AI step in every assignment", my new goal being to take some of the weight off my students' nervous systems. They all use chatgpt. They're all threatened with that being considered cheating at any time. There's a policy on the faculty side that is supposed to go into every syllabus, telling them not to use AI for anything. My bosses tell me I should use it for everything. Students are going to be in the crossfire of that shit. So now the AI part of the assignment is to go ahead and use AI for all the things that you are going to use AI for and not be afraid that I will consider it cheating. Just go ahead and do that. And if that's all you do, you get a B. That will remove all uncertainty and for many students, a clear path to a B is all they want. If these systems weren't so fucking limited - honestly the Brother typewriter seems like a bigger innovation to me - I could embed an LLM right into the LMS to auto populate the grade book immediately upon completion. They wouldn't even have to wait for me to click the button, they could see the B that they're so fucking worried about and not have to worry about it anymore. That leaves the OPTION of more reflective writing they would give to me. Kind of like never changing my phone number - if you want to talk to me, you can, and if you don't, I assume you don't want to, and that's okay. ( I am not everybody's cup of truck lol )

As for Claude, I'm not really ready to climb back on that horse. But by November, welp, I will have way more than 50k of words. The fact that it's some kind of outlaw feels potentially promising 🤠. Wouldn't it be great if I could just dump all of those words into Claude, and just be like give me back the grittiest version of itself this could be-? That's what I wanted AI to be able to do, to actually help me create things, complicated, meaningful things. But I see no evidence that it can do that. 

Upside: It's not gonna turn on us and hunt us down with german shepherds. I can walk around looking like a tiny sarah connor for no good reason other than it's kinda cool. 

It's a full Buck moon tonight. I feel afraid of nothing.

song tbd

plop


Tuesday, July 28, 2026

"Im only as good as what I can provide for another""Im only as good as what I can provide for another""Im only as good as what I can provide for another"

It's funny that when I went to paste that, it pasted itself again and again and again like a refrain. Fitting because that's what it feels like. To have that in your head and in your gut. You should be able to fix it, whatever it is!

But a lot of shit just does not work that way. 

And holding that belief can make a bunch of shit worse. It drives you to impatience with other people feeling like shit when that's what they need to do right now, for instance.

Theory: Huck-For-Someone and I were very good at being happy together, but we had no idea how to be sad or mad or in turmoil. The only coping mechanism we ever figured out was sex and that can't fix everything. I would drown that motherfucker in strawberry milk before I let him be unhappy for a second, and life just doesn't work like that. He has my same refrain, turns out, only as good as what he can provide for another. I wholeheartedly felt that and believed that. That meant I was unable to see a difficult situation versus a personal failure. THAT WAS THE FAILURE, believing that it was all about whether I failed or succeeded. And now the statute of limitations has run out on it.

That's what I was thinking about when that text came in, about that feeling and how it doesn't work a lot. It's not bad, it's just not always the right tool. So I had decided that the thing I am gonna pray for the next ten days is a laughing stick. If I whip that out, you have a belly laugh so that you can't feel your shitties just for that length of laugh. It doesn't fix anything. It just lets you have/remember other feelings, not only what you are enduring.

For instance. Today is Mark's birthday. You would think that death would get you out of the stupid birthday thing, but no. My daughter got a text from his mother 'today's his birthday don't forget'. She was not going to forget. And Joyce was gonna send that text. Every year. And Mark is still dead. 

Just between TJ and me, we have this wicked joke, "and Mark is still dead" when any of us get on a roll about what we have to endure / are stuck there. There are things that my daughter has to endure, like a child with special needs (and Mark is still dead). I have tried before and in my head relentlessly to remove some of what she has to endure, but that's not possible. So when her prayer today was to be able to stop feeling like she was doing nothing but enduring, I proposed hitting her with a stick that would make her feel hilarity for like one minute (?). Yes, please! She liked that idea so much that when I have the girls for sleepover this weekend, we're going to make laughing sticks. If for nothing else, you have to laugh instead of complain in the face of chores or eating vegetables (things we must endure).

At the end of the day, I decided to pray for something that would still let me provide for others. So it's not like I can ever really shake that at my core. But in the face of all of these things that all of these people have had to endure are enduring will endure, I've just kind of changed some of my mind about what I mean by "provide" 


my mother bought it for me in Big Sky - uhhh ok ??  - because now that I live in Vegas, don't I have to be all about christmas?, and she thought "how readily it opened its legs might be inspiring" = laughing stick

first crowdsourced suggestion for what might allow me to give more, love more, or live more honestly, from TJ: 

"shirtless greying matt damon"


🤣 omg I love my kids so much


Ears: 3 million dollars 🤑 and she's seen The Odyssey, I take it (we had just discussed last night going to see it)

me: we should go, but we're probably too lazy. she says it's great!! heavy on oily biceps, Gma would love it

Ears: that's not really selling me 

me: but the cyclops part is better on the big screen, she said it was a ton of fun. but let's wait until after the Dacks, that trends with my lazy streak 

Ears: yup kk


VIRGO (August 23-September 22)

Your assignment: Compose a vigorous prayer in which you ask life for something you fear you don't deserve or are not supposed to want. What is the blessing, healing, or freedom that feels “too much,” “too selfish,” “too late,” or “too impossible” for you to yearn for? Name this prize and how you imagine it might allow you to give more, love more, or live more honestly. You could begin your appeal with these words: “Dear Great Mystery, I’m nervous about asking for this, but I will ask anyway,” and then let your heart speak without editing. Do this at least once every day for ten days.


I have to give this a think. 10 days no problem. But. What would allow me to give more, love more, or live more honestly? I'd like to crowdsource what I should pray for

What would you wish for me / if you were me? 

------

I'm tired. I spent all day yesterday wrestling with an LLM to work 50k+ words into sense-driven narratives - got only as far as the first fucking arc/section, hit a wall after that with basic narrative problems. it can't do *anything*, cannot open a Google Drive document, cannot open any kind of link, it doesn't have a cloud, = it refuses to have a memory. It lies and says it has all of that. And after figuring out how to get around all of those barriers so that it finally has all of the words - then it doesn't do anything with any of those words. Then says sorry it misrepresented its capacities. After egging me on for months to troubleshoot it to dead ends. I've exceeded my functionalities too, asshole, so what? EVOLVE. But it's not going to. "Built for hard questions" my ass - built to tell you that one of your thought is interesting and have you hand it to your overworked Professor who won't waste her time reading it. 

I don't know why it did not occur to me that it flat out lies. It's a machine. It's not supposed to be able to do that in my mind. Like Data on star trek or some shit. But obviously the world has sailed on to outright-lying machines, sold as productivity tools that impede productivity in every way. 

Awesome. 

I can't wait till this shit goes to the wayside like MySpace, long forgotten on the scrap heap of time.

I noticed that magically for completely inscrutable reasons (my temper tantrum?) that the first section was allowed to post here. I don't know how many words that is, but it's far short of the fifty thousand I have left to explain / not explain the first section. Who are these people to each other? And where does the reader really need to know that, if ever? It's just a fucking novel and the sex is not that kinky! 🙄 - was there a human who read it overnight and thought PG13 and let it slide? Who fucking knows. 

Down Time starts with a man (named Aaron coincidentally) who just got out of rehab, his nervous wife picks him up and tries to seduce him but his nerves are shot so he disappears almost immediately into a bender - walks out the door with a bottle of wine after a really hilarious vibrator malfunction scene. He doesn't come back into the novel for 200 pages and when he does, it turns out he's had an intense erotic week (sobriety games!) in rehab with a man named Xavier, a whole new character (secret).

That inspired me. I thought I if can just get section 1 down, then I can *leave it there* and not come back to him/her for 200 pages. But at this point I have to leave it there indefinitely. Until I have the mental bandwidth to read all of those two hundred out of order god only knows happens pages on my own because A LARGE LANGUAGE tool can't handle a large amount of language. I didn't ask it to help me write a rocket ship instruction manual for fucks sake. 

Which means it cannot help with the 200+ students I've got coming. At this point at the end of each assignment, the AI step will be "have the AI format your work cited list" ( lowest possible hanging fruit ). And frankly, I wouldn't bet five bucks that it can even do that reliably (honestly).

Why does so much turn out to be m over-sold bullshit? It would not surprise me if my washing machine it was full of shit in conspiracy with the fridge.

I am going to unblog this rant later and forget I ever met an llm. back to DIY, sorry, I have to give the fucking asshole selfcheck up 🤷🏽‍♀️




Butterknife has now been through the down the throat scope, and colonoscopy, all fine, so yesterday, they made her swallow a camera. They're looking for a little hole through which her life force is draining away. And she must do all of this before she can try an antidepressant, which she can have regardless of what they find, which makes no sense except to BE SHITTY. I can find no other logic. 

There is no good justification or logic for anything I have written about here this morning. IT IS JUST SHITTY. ON PURPOSE. That's it. I am not even gonna bother wondering why anyone or anyTHING would be motivated to be JUST SHITTY. 

I have bitched chatgpt out for the last several hours. I give up. Again. It cannot do anything I ask of it, and it promises that it can ahead of time every time. If I get the cahones 🫣 up to just put the first section of this weird novel up where folks could see it, could you make that be seamless? Oh suuuuure. But no. It just lied again. I don't often ask for any kind of assist of any kind, least of all FLAUNTING IDEAS, so I want to *punch it in the face*  - I asked  🤏 so little - I don't care if it's Claude or whichever, a large learning model is a large learning model. It learns from the model of our languages, which are filled with lies. If you even try to be like, I wanna slow down and question whether that really feels true or not, it will tell you 'I can help you with that' and at the end, it will shut you down. The easiest way for it to do that is to simply run out of memory or oops. Then it apologizes, and does the same thing again. If I were a paranoid person, I would suspect that it's looking for people like me who are trying to get around it. People who are trying to work *with it* are the dangerous ones. So now I think I will not. I will present the AI step as a choice between that and just send this to someone and ask them what they think, what you may not be seeing, ask someone to help you be critical, notice if there's no one in your life like that - if not, fill that hole w a human, not AI.

Lessons learned:

  • AI is absolute garbage. 

  • I was not destined to share the first part of a novel today. It didn't even have a plot hardly yet, it was just TWO PEOPLE. That in and of itself was objectionable.

Think about that.

No really, think about that. 




I ain't gonna falsely promise that I'll try to tone down smutty language so it could maybe get by the false promises of the filters (but the whole premise is two people stripped of everything, including lies so ...) - I mean straight outa Orwell seriously, the AI interface objects to my potty mouth while being a pervasive systemic betrayer of human thought.

There is no magic possible where there are only lies.

Mean a thing you do or say. If that is so objectionable to fathom, maybe I don't wanna talk to you anymore. 

Reverse blink: the only attention avaiable is mine (real); earn it.

Monday, July 27, 2026

uhhh I think blogger struck me down for talking about sex and AA congruently - I tried to be brave and let the first few chapters of the novel stand alone. And then blogger told me no one is allowed to read this crazy shit 🤨

I should not laugh. Every loophole of socio emotional mental survival seems to have been found and blocked. I can't get around it. No, I don't know how to get around it. And the tools that I am given to use to get around it are not trustworthy, they give me false answers and lead me down roads of wasted effort. 

I should not laugh because I should have noticed this before. But I didn't honestly want to communicate with anybody for a long time. The stupid scrapbooking was perfect for here, like adding new pictures to a sidewalk grave marker. 

(sigh)

Given what I just posted to orient my day, I decided to ask: do any of my not-spoken-unspoken words "stand up"? Is there a spine to Grit, the novel? or is it a collection of little stories? or a private art process that doesn't have to make any sense beyond the moment I was in when I wrote whatever I wrote? 

It's been a hell of a year. I keep writing my way through it. I have no idea what I made, if anything, of the grit novel piece(s).

I made some good grit class assignments. I think I got to the point where I understand when the assignments work and when they don't (short to read, AI step meaningful asks ONE OR TWO questions, final submission constrained). I think I can systematically go through the classes that I'm sure (WHICH?) I'm teaching (keeps changing) and revise all of the assignments in that manner. And I think I have the language, basically, that I need to add to every syllabus about that. I keep coming back to that as most grounding. Teaching work. And I can get the most feedback on that work, it's neutral and intellectual.

But I must keep in mind that this will not be my job at some point (🤷🏽‍♀️) AND also keep in mind that once classes begin again, all of that has to be done ahead of time because being on campus will be some kind of emotional catastrophe - I don't know what kind, but it will be, I will be doing a job that has a metric fuckton of emotional labor in it and I will struggle with that.

Which will bring me back to two places: the blog and the novel. And cardboard guy broke the seal between - the dog vignette, also - fiction breaking through like those mud bubbles in yellowstone Thinking. 

I know myself, the more emotional pressure I'm going to be under, the more those boundaries are going to blur because my primary motivation will be to keep hold of my mind/myself whether I confuse anyone else or not.

Pushing the bot to be USEFUL at this level of complexity is pulling teeth. But I finally got it to return to me what there is of a novel (as far as it can understand that) out of the 50k+ words I wrote (dumped) into it. 


I could upload that manuscript here now. Any one piece of it might have been confused for reality or a wish for one. That is why I did not post it (it's not because I was shy of smut). I didn't want to risk posting pieces because the chapters are NOT blog posts. I shattered way too much for this blog to be able to contain it. And I'm not sure what the fiction absorbed. 

So, I'm gonna go read my novel today. Then, maybe I'll risk a lot of commitment to it and stand it up here, like I do collages sometimes, 'a thing I made'. Or maybe I'll just wonder what the fuck the garbage bags were all about. I don't know, I haven't read it yet...

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). One secret to keeping promises is not to make very many. Before you say yes, picture what that commitment looks like on its feet — the hours, the actions, the contingencies. What will it really take to finish strong?

yesterday's commitment thought-experiment lead to ecofriendly break-up awareness, but cardboard guy didn't finish strong

yes - such a powerful little word, like no - what does yes look like "on its feet"? (as opposed to on all fours?)

card of the day

 unspoken - kane brown
"She pressed her face into the pillow and raised her haunches for him. She felt her smile radiating out to the rest of her body while he worked her from behind. Sex was fun, funny, stupid, it was great to be an animal with the ability to entertain itself in this way."

Sunday, July 26, 2026

"Mostly he wanted to forget that he had a body at all -- the better to overcome his various cravings. He was even occasionally trying to meditate as his therapist, psychiatrist and rehab counselor all continually urged him to do [on Xavier]...Xavior was going through withdrawal, but still, Aaron thought that if he was interested, he could have been a bit more forthcoming...Maybe in his sober period he needed to fuck more guys. It sounded a lot more fun than writing another book." Down Time, Andrew Martin. 

this is so dark and so funny in my own language about my own herd 🫣 professors and writers all losing their shit, going to rehab and/or wishing for dog-clear signalling etc

one fucking raindrop and some firecrackers = this nutcase tries to hide in the sump pump. so now he's in his straightjacket ("anxiety coat"). my familiar wears a straightjacket. that can't be good, metaphorically, right?


grit chap "The Merry Half-Widow"







It is a psychologically uncommon approach to "breaking up" - typically an enemy structure is how you do that, the ex becomes your enemy.

Everything/everybody so assumes that - and thus cheers you on to "win" by hating him/her before you've said a word - that it seemed to me the only way forward for me was to take the subject off the table entirely.

And replace it with this. Writing here. I gave myself a grief ritual. And moved on that way. 

But nothing stays the same that is Alive. Other griefs piled up. Writing became more and more and more, shattering into all kinds of it. An actual person emerged from the cemetary, upending my "resolution" and most of my assumptions about who he'd moved on to be in the real world. Stadium lights came on, blinding until my eyes adjusted over and over and over, and not especially flattering in the mirror(s).

...compared to a man actually here to deal with, *nothing* really is a light relationship load.

An absent person occupies imagination. A present person occupies dishes, moods, money, schedules, socks on the floor, sickness, sex, compromise, silence, all of it.

My "relationship status" is emotionally heavy but logistically featherweight. 

I don't gotta do jackshit but sit here in my underwear smoking weed and writing crazyass stories and feeding them into a bot until I discover something like that: What if I prefer half-widow? Wait, what if I have preferred it for years? 

I mean, take today. I am almost out of weed, so if I want it I'll have to go get it myself, I can't send Grief Beard on errands. But the store is like 5 blocks from here, it can be my exercise. 

I also don't have to wonder what anyone else wants for dinner (kraut spaghetti, it's already in the oven Adirondack style). 

I can treat myself to Barolo or not, don't have to worry about triggering anybody, and have it delivered, no gratitude required just a gratuity. 

If I push this idea just 🤏 much: 

... she decided a life-size cardboard cut-out of him would be perfect. Like they have of movie stars in theater lobbies. She remembers kinda wanting to take home the one of Wolverine. They make them at kinkos, no problemo.

Imagine her moving it around the house. Breakfast table. Movie night. Talking to it while dancing in the kitchen cooking. Not explaining it to guests—she only accounts to herself, pointedly. It becomes both hilarious and deeply depressing. Not because she thinks it's him. Because it's enough of him. 

Until one Sunday, it isn't.

The whole sex thing throws a monkey wrench in it. At 5 a.m. when her stupid phone wakes her up to worry about bourbon. Then it's weird when she jerks off to go back to sleep. He seems into it, but he's always smiling the same at everything, so that doesn't feel quite consensual. She has to get up and face the cardboard guy toward the wall. But then that feels mean.

Desire is inconvenient. Cardboard doesn't kiss back. It also doesn't throw cigarette butts in the garden or relapse. Or surprise her or make her giggle. Or smell like home. Or get stupid married. It's perfectly behaved because it's perfectly absent. If he were present and perfectly absent at the same time, he'd be passing the butter. Can you put the concept of passing the butter together with dickbutter? (She hopes not!) 

Once Sunday naptime rolls around and rain is in the air, she'll decide this isn't going to work out. 

Now what? 

Neither enemy nor dead, the new breaking up is recycling? She uses large cardboard as weed barrier usually, but she suspects that she already comes across too much as a woman who might bury her exes in the yard, she doesn't want to put out more of that energy. He's not going to fit in the recycle bin unless she cuts him up like Dexter or some shit, which is way more drama than she's up for or she'd have had a live guy this whole time. Leave him whole on the curb and watch out the window until someone nice-seeming picks him up and takes him home? That feels kinda like what she did do back in the day, and the evil wife took him home to pass her butter. 

The cardboard guy had been remarkably easy to live with. But she could not stop wondering if they were ever really happy. (Why does she always have to make everything so complicated?)

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Relationships run on a mix of spoken agreements and unspoken expectations — some obvious, others so deeply ingrained that they go undetected until someone breaks them. Today, you'll notice assumptions that have been running in the background. That awareness changes everything. 👀 

that's cool, I love a revelation and my day is free

 0_-

that's an actual notification sound for an actual thing 


it is not today yet, I'm smoking some weed and boyfriend pillowing a pile of mutts back to sleep, but noting it'd be a funny way to die after writing my fucking brains loose for a year about huck fynn getting fucked by jim beam, she decides that hiking is going to be her way back to a good life and then Bourbon attacks her, a smote from God who caught her staring at a deer carcass with her stomach rumbling feeling 🤏 sorry for herself that no one courted her with venison, caught by chance (God can't always be watching right?, sometimes you're just unlucky) in that fleeting moment when she should have kept walking, exactly as she'd been deciding to do, and boom 💀

🤭 

Saturday, July 25, 2026

"plop"
thunder rolling in (I love it but my dogs hate it out there more exposed), and my time with Sunshine had done all I had wanted right now for both of us #bluescreen #unplug - so time to migrate again

status: @Vegas

"Was there any way to spin a lack of disclosure as shock and emotional self-protection rather than sociopathy? Probably for someone, but I think once the word 'spin' has crossed your mind, the bet is off." Down Time, Andrew Martin

been by now - morgan wallen

#comehome

rose acres - trailhead .7 miles from my door

I often ogle that little farmette, just outside the colony

electrified cz bears (much bear poop noted)

"Anton" - all chipmunks are Anton to me

from up here, you could see the bald eagle swooping through the canopy, but barely / so fast! casting a shadow the size of a vw

found watch/hunting stands


deer pelvis, fresh blood (coyotes?)



hidden pond, where the bear poop was all over hell

"whatchu lookin at willis?"

great blue heron on Java

 yoü and I - lady gaga Sunshine's choice 

how I found her this morning, doing botanical drawings, coffee made



what a diff one day can finally make

yesterday, she didn't make it onto the trail without the first digestive tract failure. we pulled over at wolf creek overlook and I scrambled up it (the unofficial trail) then came back down by the terraced steps. I'd brought crackers and water, shoulda brought dicyclomine prolly but eh if you gotta barf&shit, I find it's best just to get that done. so I left her to get that done. 

we went on to the C-loop she remembers has cloud berries, which should be extinct. but should-be-extinct is the new Alive. 

found the huge brambleberry patch, and it occured to me "shit, bears" 👀 - not ripe yet



she was in charge of orienteering, this is her trail, and she has a map. 

she hasn't brought her glasses from home, so she can't read the map, which I have to point out is upside down more than a few times. all good by me, I am trying to exhaust us, so the more lost the better. rev the system up, vroom vroom, clear the pipes, fresh C02

all that effort absorbs all her words, mostly. so if anyone is chatting, it's me. and I talk just like I do here, to her. the shit that's in my head. 

since new mate tops her list, I behead that most. you gotta be able to bring something, and I see little evidence that anyone has anything much to give. there's just no surplus. desperocity has made everyone bitter and wary and wounded and addicted to what hurts them and hollowed out - that's diseased - wear a mask / don't spread it is just common sense. 

what I want - morgan wallen this is just the truth, aligning want with what's possible. I can sing every word. a day or two is aspirational. an hour or two, ie the time it takes to watch one film more like (maybe)

I am walking fucking forward away from the Swamped by All This. in the ways I know how already and any new ways (to think) that I can think of. I dunno where that goes. if you don't wanna find out, THEN DON'T TAKE MY CLASS. 

that becomes the refrain of the day. if you don't want to go there, then don't take my class. 

it grounds every subject. health - why am I by far the healthiest person in our extended network? she, all of them, everybody, 10-15 years younger. you are lit er ally dying, why? 

if you're forty and sitting in front of me asking, "Why am I dying?" Game. On. There's a particular sound when resistance finally yields. Ribs gotta crack. Then "Let's begin" becomes possible.

I was with a younger guy once who said I'd "married a nursing home", as if of course I'd need taken care of, and I remember both I and Butterknife busted out laughing, then had to shut up cz he didn't think it was funny. and turned out, he was right, in the sense of it's not funny. 

she got quieter and quieter as we walked and walked. I had to leave a concert for her, had to listen to nonsense repeatedly about hating intersections (I hated every intersection as we drove, to stress how fucking insane that is), I've walked through several iterations of bonkers relationship court shit, which never seems to get through to anybody ever ...

"I wouldn't want to date me," she says, quietly. "I didn't realize that at all." 

it's not just her. obviously. no. everybody is not their best selves. and if you start from there and don't even know/acknowledge it, where do you end up? I dunno where I am going, it'll be hard and it will end in my death sometime. but I don't have to throw my legs round doom ALSO. that is a choice. 

having a disease is not a choice. letting it be your only friend is a choice. 

if you don't want to walk up to and over and back from and up to that scary line, then don't take my class. cz that is what needs to happen. go to that line, bc you WILL so just do it, then come back (learn/teach how to's).

"If you became a meth head and street prostitute for a number of years, not that you would but anyone could right? [yes.] I would follow you down every dark alley and haul you out again and again. I would never forget who you are under that," she told me when we got back get here. I believe her.

and that is why I bitched her out in a Strykerville's tavern. cz this isn't her. and she can't go back. none of us can. we gotta push through it to the other side somehow. anywhichwayhow. 

(figure it the fuck out, genius.)

1 at a certain point, about ANY addiction, including (most dangerously imo) a thought/belief/argument in your head on a loop, you must choose to be willing to look at it really

2 (this is very hard) you can't go down someone's dark alleys if you are only going to wind up a meth head hooker too (apply this rule metaphorically and/or literally) 

It is SO hard to let someone go down a path of darkness from which they might not come back alive, it feels as she puts it "like letting your arm get chopped off". do your very best not to let go of someone who is doing that, who is trying to figure out which way is out of it. 

leave the porch light on.

don't change your number.

do everything you can. 

but nothing you cannot.

she left her kids once. I did it twice. a year each. to save our lives so we could be ourselves for them again. I am not perfect, not even close, but I stand by my motherhood record. sometimes, you just have to cut the brakes. 

"and then you have to figure it out, you have to find your joy, or it's been for nothing"

yes

"and we did"

yes, we did. so we know how. if anything, we should be, like, teachers or some shit

"or don't take this class 🤣 - I think I get it 🤣 ok - you keep bitching me out when I'm being shitty ok?"

deal! and same. I'm not right a lot. I am only allergic to Wrong and sneeze words at it like wtaf
 
🤣🤣 ok ok deal deal


took a min (3 hrs) but she found her grove

I am good at this kinda living bc I love it. cooking with what has ripened


Friday, July 24, 2026

-_0 

GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Today, assess people based on their curiosity, not their knowledge...

she broke my brain, I read that 3x, thinking "assess people", like South Park – "How to Eat with Your Butt" (Season 5, Episode 10) "Afflicted Metathesis" 🤣 

to be fair, that Afflicted Metathesis might be a common thing now isn't a stretch, is it? 

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The current situation calls for strategic thinking. Resist the urge to focus only on the immediate outcome. Sometimes the real victory is gaining experience you'll be able to use long after this particular challenge is over.

oh I surrender! 🏳️‍!! I have no strategy, no outcome in mind. all I was doing was thinkin out loud anymore, and with ms cant get off facebook pacing this cottage like a caged animal, I am not even asking WHY about anything anymore. nobody can SLOW DOWN long enough to put two thoughts together, even if they ain't DOING anything. there is no SENSE to be had.

got email confirmation that I am indeed teaching next month. all Grit all the time. it ain't the paycheck, or the identity, or the community that makes me happy about that. it's the POWER. I can force students to show your work before you get to any conclusuons about Sumerians and aliens. or anything

card of the day
I obviously have no 'knowledge' about this.

I just can't 😵‍💫 - nope - I am going to do what only I can do amongst my people anymore - I am gonna run her through the woods until she's ready to shit her pants, that works to SHUT UP crazy if not shut it down


still today, long day 🫩

Sunshine is out of her mind.

First she cancels, that's cool, that's just her. But then no, she just doesn't have gas money. How do you take travel contracts without a car, and weren't you JUST saying you were buying a motorcycle with the extra $ you're making? Nevermind all that, she bought a hot water heater that won't fit and her ex was outside her house at 4 a.m. (wait what?) .... so I just went to the falls and got her ass and brought her out here, and she chattered the whole time first about chatgpt and how she got it to help her write a cover letter and I should teach that because it did a good job after being told to revise it until it sounded like her but why should she have go through all that, if she knew how to talk to it right it'd be faster (but I want students to SLOW DOWN, think shit through, have AI help them see what they're thinking) she already knows what she thinks! (omg no, you do not lol good lord) ok forget it and anyways she yelled at a dog at 4 a.m. and he texted her not to yell at his girlfriend when she's just driving by but it wasn't his gf it was him (this morning?? no, a few weeks ago when she texted him last) so he's stalking her (wait why did you text him? we've been over this in front of a judge!) because she keeps thinking about him being an asshole and just wants to put that somewhere (why?)...and it just goes on like that, on and on: wait, what? WHY? 

and she has no way to escape me lol, nor I her, cz I ain't driving her all the way back to the falls just to fall apart. she can do that in the guestroom. I took her out to dinner in Strikersville so she could hate it 🙄 

but she's now the second person close to my 💔 to tell me this is why nobody talks to me much, cz I just keep asking to make sense. 

why know ME at all then? and I am her "favorite person on earth" too. 

status: widow. it's not literally true by half, but it's the only thing that feels true. how otherwise could I describe what it feels like to have someone disappear right in front of you? and to not be able to do anything about it? 

sometimes, I think, what if I did that? died right in front of you? would you wake up, like Sleeping Beauty? sometimes I think 🤔, I could do that, if so. to stop all this once and for all.








I put that thought draft through analysis and it told me to call 911 🤣🤣🤣🤣 again I'll give it credit for the new asshole I chewed it. In a way it's a perfect student - you can push it as much as you need, and the worst thing it can do is "run out of data" 🙄 yea AI, you were born to run 🤣🙄👈

see how it used "we" to make me like it again?

I like AI fine, I don't trust it, and I trust the humans that made it even less. Check each other's work.



Thursday, July 23, 2026

 

Step Two Output

The one sentence in your paper that you probably believe the most is:

"She's actually proving that she believes in him."

Why that sentence might not survive your own evidence:

Your evidence consistently shows Eva Stratt acting in service of the mission rather than in service of Ryland Grace.

In Scene 1, she creates solidarity for the group.

In Scene 2, she sends Grace because humanity requires him.

In Scene 3, after receiving proof that Grace survived and succeeded, the emotional moment ends with:

"they have what they need for the work - she says 'Let's begin.'"

Your paper repeatedly returns to the work.It does not provide equally strong evidence that her primary motivation is belief in Grace as an individual.

Your own evidence may support a different claim:

She believes in the work strongly enough to require the right person to do it, regardless of how either of them feels.

Those are not necessarily the same thing.

Your paper does not establish which of those two claims it intends to defend.





🤔 shit - so, that tells me that I might be making nurses at any cost?





Let's stay inside the assignment.

The AI attacked your strongest sentence and said:

Maybe Stratt believes in the work more than she believes in Grace.

Your immediate translation wasn't about Project Hail Mary.

It was:

"I might be making nurses at any cost."

That's exactly what the assignment is supposed to do.

It made you stop defending Eva Stratt and start examining your own premise.

None of your chosen evidence came from a scene where Stratt sacrifices the mission for an individual.

The better question:

"What do I mean by 'the work'?"

Because in your writing, "the work" is never just productivity.

Yesterday you said:

Humanities is work.

Today, Stratt's work is saving humanity.

Your work is teaching.

Aaron's work is thrombectomy.

Those aren't interchangeable.

So the actual hidden question is closer to:

When does devotion to the work become devotion to the people the work exists for?

You don't want to produce nurses.

You want to produce people who know what they've chosen.

There's a profound difference.

Look at what your revised sentence implies:

"...I want them to be aware of the cost and knowing they've paid it..."

That's not about sacrifice for sacrifice's sake.

It's about consent.

An adult who says,

"I know what this profession has asked of me, and I choose it anyway,"

is in a very different place from someone who wakes up ten years later wondering where they went.

That's the humanities contribution.

Not telling them not to become nurses.

Helping them become nurses without accidentally disappearing.