"Walking with Samuel Beckett one fine spring morning, a friend of his asked, Doesn’t a day like this make you glad to be alive? I wouldn’t go as far as that, Beckett said." The Friend, Sigrid Nunez

It was a nice day. I took a walk. I thought about saving my life again. 

Welp, let's put up the Christmas tree? Or we could just sit here and doomscroll and online shop, that's cool too..

L(cantspellthatshit)47 - Money 

 

Tell me

And now

"You never know when a time is the last time, because if you did you could never go on with life." Leave the World Behind

I'm reading a book about the end of the world in the middle of the end of my world. The people are in a comfortable safe place. They should stay there. They are eating and fucking and walking around naked and tidying and drinking too much. 

I miss my hot tub. I wish I had it now. I would refill it and get in it. I can't remember the last time I floated in it. Did I ever do so alone after? I can't remember. I should have. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have moved at all. The people in the book have a hot tub, which if the world is ending seems handy. It made my ass cold to read about it, lying in my expensive bed alone, so I moved my ice cube ass to my tub, where for the millionth time I look at my feet beneath shitty tile. And listen to sirens and mercy flights. 

"Parenthood was never knowing what was going to hurt your kids, but knowing only that something, inevitably, would."

 

♍ VIRGO

 (August 23-September 22)

In the coming weeks, I will refer to you as The Rememberer. Your task will be to deepen and refine your relationship with the old days and old ways—both your own past and the pasts of people you care about most. I hope you will take advantage of the cosmic rhythms to reinvigorate your love for the important stories that have defined you and yours. I trust you will devote treasured time to reviewing in detail the various historical threads that give such rich meaning to your web of life.

Both the past and future feel string-theory theoretical.

But. Ok. Here's one thing that I remember: the endless would I fuck/him her game. About teachers / profs first, the bosses / world leaders. Remember that?? When outside of dreams, in real life thought, it might occur to you touch other people? Like you could touch anyone if you wanted to? Theoretically. So we thought about it (theoretically). Jeezus christ, a whole year of crushing out on your professor has been obliterated from history, like a ring in tree that will be proof of a massive human juices drought.

Welp, I'd maybe fuck that guy, theoretically. You sons of bitches in Canada and New Zealand don't understand all that we have been through.

A song that no longer exists except for my one digital copy v.i

 

Yemi alade - I choose you ft Dadju 

I'd take this tomorrow if I could. For me and everyone. If it kills me, smib

"new rug" (boring is the new exciting)

COVID has made me sick even though I've not contracted it yet. For instance, I self-soothe by imagining killing him, personally actively killing (not just hoping he will die). My favorite method is a golf club to his head, the first bash with all my strength caves it in like a watermelon. I got a watermelon the other day, and as soon as it came, I wanted to bash it for the joy of recreating the sensation of that murder. But I don't have golf clubs. 

I used to read Pema Chodron, for fuck's sake. 

Now I know I could kill somebody. And if I had strength left in my arms after that first murder, bring me that bitch who should be scattered in pieces across the dakotas, her severed head hung in front of Mt Rushmore for photo ops. 

Now, I hate.

"new shoes"

Titi Stier - Whipping post

No Solace - Gordon 

Fun facts, sold out now are:

Toilet paper

Paper towels

Puppies 

I'm still fairly well stocked on paper products from the first wa

ve, but I'd have to sell a kidney or some shit to get a shih tzu baby to cuddle. Say la vee.

Bonus track - new rule? Any white guy with a face fupa is automatically disqualified. Like, if you have literally generations of white privilege weakchin real estate to flap around while you talk bullshit...no.

 :/

Another 10 days (if we make it that long), then the courses go online for the rest of the semester and then I'm on sabbatical after that, snipping one of the last strings that bind me to human interaction at all. I'm starting to sink into it. Like it ceases to matter if it's day or night much. 

Update: I don't remember posting that. I (again) failed the Ambien Challenge.

Utterly absurd. 

Absurd.

Absurd.

Absurd.

 "hope springs eternal"

Holy shit, I had a sex dream! That has to be a sign of hope deep in my tuliplizard brain. C'mon Pfizer!

 

 

I spent the evening w Cornel West. It was amazing, really. Mostly. Except then he got to hating on Kamala for reasons that amounted to being a daughter not a son. 

America the Typical.

The book of love 

The book of love 

The Book of Love 

The Book of love

The book of Love

Long and Boring. Very very very very boring. 

 

seasonal apparel upgrade

Lack of story acceptance v.2 bizarre troll

Giggle

America the Beautiful

Play me song? (I'm losing my damn mind,aren't you?) To lean on 

Call me for Callie,who wouldn't read this shit if her life depended on it 

 Nailed it.

It doesn't matter if Biden wins now. It's almost cause. I am applying for a job in Canada. As soon as this hangover passes and if I can summon the will to try to keep living. 

With the future and democratic reputation of the American republic hanging in the balance, this is not an occasion for bombast. Rather it is time to reach humbly in the darkness, seeking only to summon such measured words as convey the intense dignity of this moment. In short, I think we all feel the hand of history on our pussies.

 The thought of the election is making me nauseous. Like, I want to throw up, as if I ate something bad or drank too much. Is it possible to throw up cortisol?

 That's an actual photo overhead

 Now.