Nebraska has his first interview today with New York (ie a job here). Another awkward thing has been that we are qualified for the same jobs and my boss is a cunt (which I respect but oof) which means I'm the one watching job postings while he's the one who says "I love you" all damn day from the relative ease of his vew of me from Omaha. Of course I look great from there 🤨. And/but to be fair, relationships look better to me from 1000 miles away altogether. (Still. Not. Over. It.)

But. What if Nebraska lived in WNY? 🤔 We could get some land, a big garden. A pond. A pond AND a pool? Maybe a couple chickenschickens. Maybe a danedane. 🤔 

nightflyer - allison russell (turn it up, close your eyes)

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Today goes off like spellwork. You'll summon magical powers, utilize mystical associations and wield innate charisma in a ritualized and intentional way. (C'mon baby, work your white guy magic 🧙‍♂️)

a giftgift, from the full moon in Virgo 

Like I said. Any one of us might ride a horse or catch some dick. The dick is the more dangerous animal in that rule of thumb 🤔 I've always wanted a horse 🤔

"To say no to a new day would be unthinkable. So each morning you said yes, then stepped into the consequence." Martyr!, Kaveh Akbar

I love this 🤣

waxahatchee - right back to it 

the bones of jr jones - sing sing

Part of "the problem" - how should I proceed? - is my job. I really love it, is the thing. And I'm good at loving it. I've got two highly competetive national grants now to evidence that healthcare providers' troubles start in the making of them. The world changes, and anybody standing near healthcare has eyes on it - on the plagues of every kind, from pandemics to bullets to addictions, always woven tightly with human constants of love greed fear loathing hope despair life death. I don't want to have to leave the life I've built around this love. Why do I always have to do that? WHY? Every time I am forced to let go a Love, I feel all the prior times over again, over and over and over. All mashed up in my mind and heart, the still-missed smell ft the still-loved feel of new school supplies. 

I never have as much control over what befalls me as I need. Nobody does, is the upshot. 

After a long half decade now of friends fired, programs closed, familiar faces dead and gone, I'm facing it again: I will have to let go of a great love in order to survive. 

ziggy alberts - I'm sorry

screech owl in Reinstein Park - look closely, he's staring right at you, a bit of white fluff on his chest (I always go for a downy chest) - I go visit him alone at dusk, we stare at each other and he seems to be telling me that just like I can see him when nobody else can spot him, I could see a path if I could focus correctly somehow

 

self bullying 1

Dry January completed. 

"I do like to drink, but I can do that at home. Fortunately, I'm a cheap drunk. A few glasses and I can understand Lacan." The Body, Hanif Kureishi

I laughed at that line, recognizing myself in a novel about being able to buy a new younger body to live life again more wisely. But. 1. I didn't particularly like to drink, I just liked my own company better a little shitfaced, the way you like almost anyone better when you're a little shitfaced. 2. Far from cheap, I pay a high price for myself. 3. I could understand Lacan sober, for all that's worth. 

So I gave up drinking. Didn't take any effort at all. Didn't get smarter, thinner, kinder - nothing happened. But. Maybe that's the good thing that came of it, ie nothing at all.

The Body ends recommitting to the greater pleasures of being old then dying. Complete bullshit. It might have been more interesting to choose a body of a different gender and color, perhaps growing wiser in the process, because age itself doesn't get you anywhere in that department. From where I'm standing, I feel the fears of the old, how they fear to move lest they fall, which is just a physical expression of the fear of making any more mistakes. Like this broad, who had not much on her mind but horses and catching dick in the morning. Any one of us might ride a horse and catch a little dick, ya know? It's not like she split the atom. She's on trial for not doing enough when really what she should have done is even less, like not had a kid, another thing any of us might do, have done. 

Now what?