You're not thinking about this the right way but I get it, when it became obvious that I was never going to get credit due EVER, it was devastating because once you know it's EVER then the whole work harder thing fuck that and at first I couldn't get out of bed but then I gave myself permission to let him worry about it (but) no I know you're not married and you can't stand being in someone else's hands fatewise, but when you see that it's EVER then you know it's already in someone else's hands, it always has been (I can't breathe) just breathe and listen to me, wait back up tell me about your retirement savings (uhhh tiaa-cref?) like a 401k or whatever is that what that is nevermind I'm googling it, that's fine, here's what you do, you get these people on the phone and get them to move all that to where you get a planner dude from Charles Schwabb, Fidelis, doesn't matter, then sell your house (but) fuck it you know you're going to anyway so sell the fucking thing (I have all this stuff) oh my god have you never watched storage wars (like the pawn people?) just store it all in temp control (but where will I be?) WITH HIM let his ass pay the bills you go to a yoga class or whatever (but health insurance) I didn't say quit your job, keep it, stay at a hotel when you go to Buffalo to work (gross, no) you've got a cottage April-October that's a solid half year, then 6 weeks off for the holiday break when you'll go on vacation with sisters and girlfriends (lol) seriously stop having him plan your trips do it yourself and put it on his credit card (I have no access to his credit card) 😳🤯🤨 when did you get retarded (you can't say) shut up Jesus GET HIS FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND BOOK YOURSELF A TRIP and if he balks after all you've gone through well then I'd say you're right it's time to give up on him but um let me talk to him first ok? (LOL ok) you're going to call Fidelity or Vanguard and you're gonna move most of your 401k over to be managed with all the cash you get from that house until you're sitting on a million dollars and you're going to do what I did in that moment you're going to see it, you're going to CRY, ball your eyes out, all that work you did, it didn't earn you respect because that's not something we can ever get, but you can still reap value, and you're gonna get it sitting in his house which he pays for obviously it's his fucking house while you're deciding what he should bring home for dinner (but what if he like wants to split all that?) HA then charge him for 5 years back rent for staying with you all those times and stop sucking his dick EVER that'll shut that stupid shit down and you go back to building that nestegg with your financial adviser that's YOURS, you save every fucking dime you make at that job until the place goes under, all the more reason to move your 401 (can I do that?) oh my fucking IT'S YOUR MONEY I get it Gin, you have been wrung out bad, but it's still there, all you worked for and saved and scrimped and walls you patched and painted, and your health you clawed back from the brink, all that is yours, salvageable in the form of some cash and some freedom (😭) big sister I say this with all love, it's time to grow the fuck up everyone will always take whatever they can from you and leave you when there's nothing more they can get (😪) look, PhD in ENGLISH = you have an unique valuation system (sigh) but think of it this way, even if you don't trust him and have quite a few decent reasons to choke him out, what do you have to lose?
Nobody in my world really gets what an NEH grant is, or how impossible it is to get 2 of them in different categories entirely, for work that straddles multiple national priorities, at a little bullshit private school in one of the poorest cities, and then HAVE IT ALL STOLEN, no $, no credit, no good bye cake 🖕. One of my mentees got on the national achievement award task force to right it, try too, appalled for me and mortified for us. I'm grieving.
But grief aside, my sister is dead right.
Interlude: I drive to Tbone's (toxin shedding), the first major destination of this Fear and Loathing late-life bildungsroam: the dogs PLAYING TOGETHER. He's been obsessed with having this play date since I got him that dog, Benjamin the son he never had (seriously, and we are not even Jewish wtf), and whom he's never trained in any way, but fuck it, you have to love something or you can't go on (smoke em if you got em!), so now he has this shitty dog (whom I shall inherit and/or be wiping both their asses, some kind of you really whizzed that thing coming fur suuuure) with whom he eats every meal from McDonald's while letting the ripped apart packaging pile up around his recliner.
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| Aging: A Cautionary Tale |
Later I call Nebraska and relate all this and that my sister is right and that if this is an *extremely elaborate * booty call, it's about time he called it that and stop being FULL OF SHIT.
"Fair," he says.
😳
He might have no idea how much BAD BLOOD he's brewing in me. Even if he isn't totally full of shit and some of this becomes workable, a deep grudge is drilling into me. I Did The Suitable Thing, for which I would be rewarded with correspondingly suitable things, at the very least not a life kick to the twat and my "partner" barely blinks and keeps on drinking prosecco 🖕. We had an understanding motherfucker🌪. But what leverage do I have?, now that dyc fucked me over royally?? (a: none), and Nebraska knows that, helped it become that way (cornering me), and my sister's words ring like a bell everyone will always take whatever they can from you and ditch when there's nothing left to get
Wait, is this a novel? Are umpteen women driving everywhere and nowhere in a frazzled sometimes sexually agitated URGE (not unlike a T-Rex), Wild but more limited mobility / likely to be murdered (statisically) when mobile? Gen X women, 💣, we all snapped and are now out driving through climate events, toxin shedding to chris stapleton radio and ducks on our dashboards? 🐤
Which just reminded me of a good rule of thumb I applied when Andrew tried to opine me to death: "I care what you think/feel *exactly as much* as you care what I think/feel. On any and all subjects." Got real quiet after that.
Maybe that's why it's quiet now too.
👁
another day down - jesse roper (love that siiiighh at hello)
Armscrossy P.S."VIRGO You're magnetic because you're honest, unfiltered and unapologetic. Just watch how it draws the right energy to you. Exciting love prospects align with the truth of who you are, proving that honesty is your most attractive quality."
