of course I did not die, just felt like it.
I got up and had my first really gnarly therapy session first thing.
I've been with this therapist awhile. the first things I told her highlighted don't believe me (I lie to myself), don't tell me about your life (mistake me for a friend), don't be impressed or validate me (what bots are for), and above all do not let go of me. the let go of, I've had enough.
I will land on my feet like a cat over and over, there will come terrible things and I'll deal with them, you'll be tempted over and over to think I am always fine, I am not.
this was during the Big Quitting phase, during the Sobering Up, before the move, before Patti and my dad, before Aaron came backish and then drowned, before I broke completely the rest of the way. but I knew it would come. it always does. my heart will break.
and I'll keep walking, shot through through the heart.
it will show first in what I weigh (eaten alive). I added loootsa tattoos more, needle on bone, so you can't miss it. it will get worse and worse, and I will land and land and land until I am smithereens. and it'll look impressive, you'll see, I'll make more money not less, I will win not lose, something like that / along those lines, I'll look great bc I am an endorphin addict - alll that's just the habits of survival.
why don't cigarettes "count" as an addiction in AA? bc that's just a habit.
this endurance habit is not enough anymore.
week after week, month after month, now a couple years' worth, I say 'this happened' then what I am doing to grapple. but every time, I reminded her, we aren't there yet. and she believed me.
now.
when I moved, I stripped down to artifacts only and could still fill this place. but it's more than everywhere you look. it is in me.
whenever I make pesto, which is often, I think about what and who I loved and lost on West Ferry.
whenever I do anything, I remember something lost.
and I don't know why or how I always come back here, to devastated. and it always looks, right then, like I have everything under control. and it's even more fucked up that I do have it under control.
how do you fix something that won't break? I do not know. but I know I do break. and then live that way even more. and more.
and I desperately want to push past it this time. really not just seemingly. so I had to get Here.
Aaron's return to rehab again, still saying he didn't need to be there (still not broken enough wth), and my mother's arrival with much more than 1 foot in the grave finally did it. I broke. for a couple weeks, all I could do was sob in therapy (private), hardly articulate. today I could talk and cry.
put your finger down on my life anywhere, any year, any of my mailing addresses, and I can tell you what was breaking my heart then. with very few (very sweet) exceptions, every part of my adult life has been deeply lonely. from 15 years old onward, "emancipated" to be an adult, I have survived mostly, loved rarely and not for long, raised (fantastic) kids and made meaning.
and I don't regret much of any of it.
but now I am tired of making meaning not love. I want both. I want everything.
All or nothing.
today was the first time I've talked about Aaron only as a LOSS and not a personal FAILURE. I didn't know I did that. I always frame it that way: I failed. I failed and failed and failed. "feelings of failure are primarily regret and shame, anger, frustration...."
yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh...
right. I didn't fail him, I lost him ðŸ˜
"what if you went back through each big relationship 'failure' and primarily grieved instead of feeling ashamed?"
a: grave marker
it is fitting that Aaron's fave movie is Tombstone. that's what it's like for me, I am a breathing grave marker, that's what constancy costs me.
think as you drunk - riley green
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| always my mother has wanted to be fed books when she gets here, this time she'd forgotten how, scared the fucking shit out of me! thank fucking christ for Louise Erdrich, love medicine really is the only foolproof. she and I read all day on the couch. and I sat with a heavy feeling of loss that Aaron spent years living in a house with Tao Te Ching sitting on the shelf, right there in Lewiston where he finally found it 💔 |
Be as careful as crossing frozen water, alert as a Warrior on enemy ground. Be as courteous as a Guest, as fluid as a Stream. Be as shapeable as a block of wood, as receptive as a glass. Don’t seek and don’t expect. Be patient and wait until your mud settles and your water is clear. Be patient and wait. Your mud will settle. Your water will be clear.
