VIRGO It's like the people around you are talking in code. This is an unhealthy tongue. You will open the communication and find a way to coexist happily with one another.
I hope so. This temperment of mine is hard on me and on others. I woke up remembering that I simply walked away leaving my share of a whole table's dinner bill, with Sunnie trailing me since we'd driven together so she left hers too since she hardly had a choice, and I didn't actually manage a full "bye" as I did that. I wasn't feeling "bye", I was feeling nothing but "getoffame".
Well, unlike some people I know, I do not believe that a standoffish temperment like this makes you an island. You just have to be forthright and forthcoming, first and foremost by honoring your self and being clear about what you do and don't want in relationships of all kinds. I'll just have to suck it up, make amends on the money, and explain: "don't touch me, bar or no bar, friend or no friend, I'll touch you first if it comes to that, if I ever want to, which I probably just won't, and if you think that sucks worse for you than it does for me, you're wrong." Or something like that.
Meanwhile, the whole incident inspired me to share some sorta related thoughts with a couple other people, honest communication indeed is what I'm trying to cough up . . . I wrote to LMG this morning and he wrote back immediately "yes, I totally understand, (the temperment thing), I always feel bad that you're so nice to me because I can't repay it". Now he'll feel better knowing I do it cz he's an asshole like me some kinda way . . . "assholes" aren't assholes, they're members of my sub-species, and as such they are potentially very dear to me, in relationships of all kinds. Everybody has told me I should just shove my hand down that man's pants or not, but I simply haven't purely wanted to, and now that a mutual friend of ours is all over me like stink on shit it's damn helpful to be able to point to that and be understood. "Nice" and "I want you to touch me" are not the same thing, or they're not reliably the same thing, they might overlap, or they might not, it's iffy. I can explain these things, but it takes someone else built some sort of "modest" finnicky-tempered to empathize.
Now, I'm going to go do what I am good at: Work. (And while I was at that, commence the money portion of the custody stuff . . I'm on a bit of roll with the clarity thing, all around.)
Friday, July 30, 2010
VIRGO There's something delicious about keeping your opinions, humor and deeds very private. You are building a mystery inside yourself. Let your secret be safe with you.
The alignment of the planets may mean you feel much more enthusiastic about a relationship that you have been complacent about recently. There is a lot of extra energy around that makes you more forthright and outspoken than usual, Capricorn, and also more insistent on getting your own needs met. This will enable you to play a more active role in the future - which makes life much more fun. [Capricorn is my rising sign, the persona people know me by, and thus the one they respond to, and that in turn creates my reality to a large extent. I like Capricorns, so I'm down w/ that, but they are not easy. Capricorns work hard, play hard, do just about everything the hard way until they realize that's inefficient, and only that insight might temper their headbanging. Then, finally, they might just tell you what they want.] [Whereas a virgo, um, well . . . .]
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: You challenge loved ones, and they might not like it in the moment. Later, they will thank you for bringing out qualities in them they didn't know they had. TAURUS: If you feel guilty, you'll spend too much money. Mistakes are normal. Say you're sorry, but don't overcompensate. GEMINI: Your self-esteem is changeable from hour to hour. Be patient with yourself. CANCER: You will hit the jackpot in love. LEO: You encourage loved ones to be themselves. VIRGO: Casual relationships are terrific for your overall mood. When it comes to emotional involvement, sometimes less is more. LIBRA: Because you are so generous, some people will assume that you have oodles of time and money to spend on them. SCORPIO: You'll figure out a loved one's secret. SAGITTARIUS: Avoid anyone who reeks of high maintenance. CAPRICORN: You deserve to be the person of the hour. Go where you get to be the star. AQUARIUS: You are self-supporting and successful -- a real catch. PISCES: A loved one reminds you that you belong somewhere in this big crazy world.
COUPLE OF THE WEEKEND: Leo and Virgo are zodiac neighbors, and both are having a creative streak these days. The sun gives Leo extra charisma and magnetism, while Mercury and Venus give Virgo an abundance of charm and influence. Virgo will have a natural knack for sweet talk, and Leo will feel deserving of adulation. Virgo will get his or her way, and Leo will feel 100 percent satisfied making it happen.
[What's your rising sign?]
The alignment of the planets may mean you feel much more enthusiastic about a relationship that you have been complacent about recently. There is a lot of extra energy around that makes you more forthright and outspoken than usual, Capricorn, and also more insistent on getting your own needs met. This will enable you to play a more active role in the future - which makes life much more fun. [Capricorn is my rising sign, the persona people know me by, and thus the one they respond to, and that in turn creates my reality to a large extent. I like Capricorns, so I'm down w/ that, but they are not easy. Capricorns work hard, play hard, do just about everything the hard way until they realize that's inefficient, and only that insight might temper their headbanging. Then, finally, they might just tell you what they want.] [Whereas a virgo, um, well . . . .]
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: You challenge loved ones, and they might not like it in the moment. Later, they will thank you for bringing out qualities in them they didn't know they had. TAURUS: If you feel guilty, you'll spend too much money. Mistakes are normal. Say you're sorry, but don't overcompensate. GEMINI: Your self-esteem is changeable from hour to hour. Be patient with yourself. CANCER: You will hit the jackpot in love. LEO: You encourage loved ones to be themselves. VIRGO: Casual relationships are terrific for your overall mood. When it comes to emotional involvement, sometimes less is more. LIBRA: Because you are so generous, some people will assume that you have oodles of time and money to spend on them. SCORPIO: You'll figure out a loved one's secret. SAGITTARIUS: Avoid anyone who reeks of high maintenance. CAPRICORN: You deserve to be the person of the hour. Go where you get to be the star. AQUARIUS: You are self-supporting and successful -- a real catch. PISCES: A loved one reminds you that you belong somewhere in this big crazy world.
COUPLE OF THE WEEKEND: Leo and Virgo are zodiac neighbors, and both are having a creative streak these days. The sun gives Leo extra charisma and magnetism, while Mercury and Venus give Virgo an abundance of charm and influence. Virgo will have a natural knack for sweet talk, and Leo will feel deserving of adulation. Virgo will get his or her way, and Leo will feel 100 percent satisfied making it happen.
[What's your rising sign?]
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I swear the earth shall surely be complete to him or her who shall be complete. - Walt Whitman, "Song of the Rolling Earth"
jens lekman - in the wrong hands la la laaaaaaaaaa - from the Jcrew Store soundtrack
jens lekman - in the wrong hands la la laaaaaaaaaa - from the Jcrew Store soundtrack
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tonemah is The Witch's husband on guitar (and native flutes) (he's the dude on the left in the pic) (he was the one who might punch anybody, btw, and they police each other like german shepherds holy crap, and I'm strangely proud to say, and ashamed to say hahahaha, that I'm one of the very few women on earth trusted by Amy to talk to Ed) - it's seriously good music, which is a cool surprise at a rez picnic chomping on an indian taco and then woop this starts up and the hair stands up on the back of my neck and that's damn near heaven for a second:
and I found an accountant today too. and lo, he just happens to be a musician too, plays the upright string bass among other things and his office is next to his manroom (hee hee) that has "Happy Hour" on the door and his wife is an alum of my little college . . . 10 of coins card, yes indeeedy. (come to think of it, I could now, in fact, afford a new set of tits. but no, I think I'll stick with the ones I've got ;)
--
---
I had a strong sense of everybody being fine today, as in alive and out of sorts, which is good, cz change is good, cz the opposite of it is dead essentially, even if you're outa sorts. or it coulda been just me who was okay w/ that today, I dunno. I could groove on the opposite of dead today.
Friday, July 23, 2010
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: You thrive when your schedule is somewhat regular. Get more sleep, and you become more beautiful. TAURUS: Don't let your expectations get in the way of a perfect date. GEMINI: You'll have a blast making enhancements to your style. This is all for you -- but others like it, too. CANCER: You may go through a self-esteem slump, but the remedy is easy and doesn't cost a thing -- straighten your posture and smile. LEO: Now that the sun is in your realm, you'll be feeling powerfully attractive. VIRGO: Your devotion to family is an attractive quality. Someone wants to be a part of your family because of the stellar way you care for kin. LIBRA: A business venture may lead to love, or love may lead to a business venture. SCORPIO: Instead of dressing to impress the object of your affection, dress to express your personality. SAGITTARIUS: Just when you think you know who you are and what you prefer, you surprise yourself. CAPRICORN: You are self-directed. No one can tell you who to be or what to do. AQUARIUS: Your confidence makes you appealing. If you're not completely feeling it, fake it till you make it. PISCES: Instead of thinking about what's in it for you, think about how you could put a smile on your loved one's face.
Long day . . . after being struck dumb yesterday, I just can't muster self hatred to fight the flow, I'm drifting upstream, not fighting that current. I started out in the a.m. at the Last Supper table with The Nun, a pomo version of that long table shot but at the center is a woman, whom I've grown to actually like. I have no sympathy whatsoever for these dudes who throw temper tantrums simply because she's the boss of them, it's a job duh even if you're a guy, so without faking it in the least I'm drifting into her wake and taking on the work and simply doing it. In other words, I'm no longer in drag at this, I'm almost entirely real, I'm actually running a little college, my part of it anyway, and that little part will grow, as it was doing today. And there's money/security in it - all my tarot readings, I ask about love, I get back information about money. For all I know, I'm getting my answer and what is happening now is money for some future love project, such as I'd like more property but don't have the testicles/tools to upkeep it right now; I can't see around that corner, so I'm trying to deal with what's in front of me, period, head down.
In the early evening was the block club party, a thing I've dragged my feet about for weeks but Milk-n-Cookies made me do it. At first I think omg so many (rich-ish white) people (with granite counters) this is freakin me out, but then after awhile the lady from across the street breaks ranks, sits down next to me, says of her thermal mug "this isn't coffee" and winks. She tells me that her daughter who is in her mid-30's recently had to have surgery for a bladder condition so got new tits and a tummy tuck while she was at it and that's good cz if you want something then do it now honey while you've got a lot of energy and that's her advice to me. (lol, well yeah my tits are only two tits more than you had a minute ago at best . . . ) Another woman drifts over, says "I'm the other one without a husband, nice to meet you" and hands me a beer from the coolers the men have outside and her phone number. Another one comes over, says "where'd you get booze? and teach me yoga!, my ass is scaring me!" I tell them a little about the yoga, about the heat, they admire the affect on my skin, buuuuut o hell no. Pretty soon we've agreed to drop the yoga idea down to half an hour of trendy stretching followed by wine, "community girls night", Milk-n-Cookies has added herself in and is looking dubious yet game. They like that boxed pink shit wine, we can take turns buying it. The one with the thermal full of something other than coffee says, sensing my hesitation regarding pink reunitee (ick!), "just add ice and vodka to it, then it's good."
I think, doing math again today: I've only got the one glaring problem and everything else is perfectly fine. Divided by. Maybe I should get new tits.
(Could tits be considered real estate?)
Long day . . . after being struck dumb yesterday, I just can't muster self hatred to fight the flow, I'm drifting upstream, not fighting that current. I started out in the a.m. at the Last Supper table with The Nun, a pomo version of that long table shot but at the center is a woman, whom I've grown to actually like. I have no sympathy whatsoever for these dudes who throw temper tantrums simply because she's the boss of them, it's a job duh even if you're a guy, so without faking it in the least I'm drifting into her wake and taking on the work and simply doing it. In other words, I'm no longer in drag at this, I'm almost entirely real, I'm actually running a little college, my part of it anyway, and that little part will grow, as it was doing today. And there's money/security in it - all my tarot readings, I ask about love, I get back information about money. For all I know, I'm getting my answer and what is happening now is money for some future love project, such as I'd like more property but don't have the testicles/tools to upkeep it right now; I can't see around that corner, so I'm trying to deal with what's in front of me, period, head down.
In the early evening was the block club party, a thing I've dragged my feet about for weeks but Milk-n-Cookies made me do it. At first I think omg so many (rich-ish white) people (with granite counters) this is freakin me out, but then after awhile the lady from across the street breaks ranks, sits down next to me, says of her thermal mug "this isn't coffee" and winks. She tells me that her daughter who is in her mid-30's recently had to have surgery for a bladder condition so got new tits and a tummy tuck while she was at it and that's good cz if you want something then do it now honey while you've got a lot of energy and that's her advice to me. (lol, well yeah my tits are only two tits more than you had a minute ago at best . . . ) Another woman drifts over, says "I'm the other one without a husband, nice to meet you" and hands me a beer from the coolers the men have outside and her phone number. Another one comes over, says "where'd you get booze? and teach me yoga!, my ass is scaring me!" I tell them a little about the yoga, about the heat, they admire the affect on my skin, buuuuut o hell no. Pretty soon we've agreed to drop the yoga idea down to half an hour of trendy stretching followed by wine, "community girls night", Milk-n-Cookies has added herself in and is looking dubious yet game. They like that boxed pink shit wine, we can take turns buying it. The one with the thermal full of something other than coffee says, sensing my hesitation regarding pink reunitee (ick!), "just add ice and vodka to it, then it's good."
I think, doing math again today: I've only got the one glaring problem and everything else is perfectly fine. Divided by. Maybe I should get new tits.
(Could tits be considered real estate?)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
$63, 052 in refunded interest, credited back to me and taken out of the amount I owe now on this house. That's HALF. (For a CREDIT SCORE, seriously?)
I keep staring at the paperwork that just arrived, sitting here in front of me. I am actually appalled. I mean, "yay", that's great, these recent financial moves of mine will make it less likely I'll have to sleep on the couch of one of my kids in old age, and that's good cz I'd rather pee on my own couch when the time comes. But. I mean. Isn't, vaguely, logically, the flip side of that the people displaced outa being able to pay their bills, apx 40% of American households at the moment, with 20% combined un and underemployment of individuals affecting that many homes, doesn't the flipside mean logically that they're getting royally screwed up the ass some kinda way? Cz nobody just "gets" that kind of money.
What just happened? Like, I see the economy is in the shitter, duh I get that, everybody gets that, but what just happened to the class divides? (Where am I standing?)
VIRGO Resourcefulness is not as common a virtue as it once was, but you have it. It's second nature for you to conserve. You also know how to cut loose now and then, which is what you do tonight. (ha. hey Nunu, the beer is on me tonight.)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The thing is, I like having the coffee pot set up the night before and school lunches made and a planner full of things to do do do . . . I like it until I feel bored and burnt out, like now. With the boyz gone, I mostly just wanna do utterly nothing, but nothing is hard to do. I thought off n' on yesterday that maybe I'd just take off too, just drive away too, maybe impose myself on some friends for a day or two . . . but I really am tired, and mostly I should go see my grandma before she dies and then there'd be soooo much family to have to see, plus it feels like it'd be a chore to be alone on the road. I should just do nothing, but I literally don't know how. I don't like to drink, no that's not right I love to drink, but I can't drink enough to DRINK, 2 just makes me horny, 3 makes me sleepy, if I push it to 4 then I'll barf and have to start over - besides, getting ur drink on is a thing you do to blow off steam after working.
I want to want to do do do, I keep getting up every day and making a list of things to do and hoping that oomfy feeling will take over me, but meh.
Welp, I do know one thing for sure, to get through to the other side of any problem means you have to keep staring at it. I've been called back to work at the end of the week, which made me throw a hissy last night, then I woke up feeling relieved cz essentially I'd mostly rather be busy, and now upon reflection I just think I've got about 3 more days to discover or create something I really wish I had more time for . . .
meanwhile, holy shit he'd have to piss points to be worth that no?, and the "capped" leak is freaking me out even more
I want to want to do do do, I keep getting up every day and making a list of things to do and hoping that oomfy feeling will take over me, but meh.
Welp, I do know one thing for sure, to get through to the other side of any problem means you have to keep staring at it. I've been called back to work at the end of the week, which made me throw a hissy last night, then I woke up feeling relieved cz essentially I'd mostly rather be busy, and now upon reflection I just think I've got about 3 more days to discover or create something I really wish I had more time for . . .
meanwhile, holy shit he'd have to piss points to be worth that no?, and the "capped" leak is freaking me out even more
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"Life is life, and kind is kind."
"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk--real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious." Jack Kerouac, On the Road
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road
VIRGO Your heart and inner wisdom will urge you to do something. Act on the request. Do this without hesitation, and in the future when you look back on today, this time will stand out as a personal success.
jeffrey foucault - johnny 99 - for FPH
jeffrey foucault - johnny 99 - for FPH
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Friday, July 16, 2010
(wtf ft. giggle)
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: Someone will express love through action, perhaps by fixing your possessions. TAURUS: You are a gifted communicator and will make the most of your conversations, getting to the heart of the matter. GEMINI: You are more attractive to a certain person than you know -- be careful how you wield it. CANCER: You will ask the right questions and learn just how intelligent your object of desire really is. LEO: Be up on the times. Read. Have plenty of conversational fodder on hand. VIRGO: You have a busy life, but you're not too busy to call the one who has tried on so many occasions to connect with you. There's a big benefit to this call. LIBRA: Love will start as friendship and grow more passionate over the course of weeks and months -- not hours and days. SCORPIO: You could fall for an illogical choice of companionship because of the excellent chemistry. SAGITTARIUS: Be an enthusiastic supporter. Negative and deflating attitudes are the opposite of sexy. CAPRICORN: Your love is devoted only to you, so relax and have fun. AQUARIUS: Your strong allure comes from embracing the traditional talents and roles of your gender. PISCES: Loved ones stick close, needing your acceptance and encouragement.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
susan tedeschi - you got the silver - she was at Art Park tnite
VIRGO Imagine that you are looking into a magic mirror and seeing the person you want to become. You have the inner power to be that version of you today.
I could use less bad attitude towards hetero partnering habits. Some of the things my friends put up with seem lunatic to me, and I pay too much attention to that. Like I was out with a friend of mine and her husband recently, some guy she knew said "hi" in a "you look great" kinda way and she was totally sweating it, fearing her hubby would punch the guy just for talking to her. Is that not nutty?! Crow said once that maybe I'd have to "get rid of all my guys" if I hooked up with someone. Liiiike? (wtf?) Like not talk to him, or to FPH. Like what if we got together ever and he wouldn't want me talking to FPH, for instance. Here's me: WHAT?! That's insane. I'd never be down with that. X used to get pissed if I talked to MY OWN MOTHER too much, was always jealous of DmS, I'd forgotten to even consider that kind of lunacy entering my life again. Oh, no way. Oppressive Insecurities are not going to go running around here like untrained shih tzus, forget it (armscrossy). I bought a dress the other day, a killer cobalt pencil party dress, for over $100, and I have nowhere to wear such a thing (I'm not about to win an emmy, duh), but it's smokin hot, and I wanted it and I don't have to answer to anyone. I've been living off the relationship grid for a looooong time now. Like on a Deserted/Freedom Island. Out at the Park tonight, I was noticing the couples, all that hand holding, feeling like "don't you have a hand? why do you need hers?"
I'm really ready to outgrow this standoffishness stance. Cuz I can create and define my own relationship grid. If I can do whatever I want, and I so can, then I could do that. (update: Well, a WE could, I guess on principle it ought be stated that way - if there were, ya know, someone willing to negotiate. No hand holding (Canadian gay) or jealous pissy tirades (dumb) though, that's out.)
Friday, July 09, 2010
it's soo hot, all day feels like first thing in the morning, like pure coping
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: Every relationship has its frustrations -- yours is not the only one. You'll work through one gracefully on Friday. TAURUS: You're ultra-attractive, especially to someone you'll be meeting for the first time this weekend. GEMINI: You'll get to know the truth about someone when you see him or her often. CANCER: Your enthusiasm will make you even more beautiful than you already are. LEO: If you are to capture a potential loved one's attention, spend more time with this person. VIRGO: You have a magical energy. You need only to glide by and your vibes spark excitement in someone. LIBRA: Do not let others know that you doubt your attractiveness by seeking validation. Instead, strut. SCORPIO: Do what it takes to get comfortable in your own skin. When this is the case, you'll win everyone over -- your ease will be infectious. SAGITTARIUS: There's something special you would like to do, and you shouldn't let another person stand in the way of your doing it. CAPRICORN: Talk about your curiosities. You'll bond with those who wonder about the same things. AQUARIUS: On a solo outing, you will meet someone fascinating who you would not have met had you been accompanied by your friends. PISCES: You'll play the odds and win.
My posse is leaving town for a while. Next 3 weekends and 2 solid weeks, I'll be on my own. Though I probably won't know what the hell to do with myself, I really need some adult-rated time, I'm wound tight as a tick and it shows. I joked at music lessons that I'll be waking up and drinking beer for breakfast while they're gone. The piano teacher said, "I'll be with your mom, we're gonna drink beer for breakfast, you guys just take a hike" and he laughed - this is the one who loves us, his new wife has 2 kids the age of the boyz, he seems to think packages like ours are winning love life lottery tickets. I look over my shoulder back at him, a sudden simmer like um I'm gonna rip your head off if you add to my frustrated-donut-syndrome Bub. My hair is HUGE, I'm barely surviving going commando in one of those deadhead outfits of strips of cotton tied around me only where necessary, I look savage but a lot more civilized than I feel anymore in this heat. I smiled at him and I did not blink. (youwannapieceame?! Illfuckyouup!!) (lol, oy) Then I swish the kids toward the door, Bye. He says, "Hey Gina!" Yeah? "Nothin, I just wanted you to say bye again."
A favorite pastime: cue this up in the car, worn the kids "here comes the rebel yell", they put their hands over their ears, I turn the volume ALL the way up, then when she comes in at exactly :10, sing/yell with all my might of lung power that first "WhoAahoh!!"along with her. Then I either listen to the rest of the song, or I need to do that again. No seriously, right now, TRY IT! Trust me.
Aretha Franklin - You Keep Me Hanging On
bonus track (boyz get to listen to this one, in exchange for my rebel yelling, also at top volume, which I'll confess I also like, especially after some rebel yell therapy, and I play drums on the steering wheel):
Nirvana - Aneurism
Thursday, July 08, 2010
.
VIRGO From time to time, you've been known to flirt harmlessly, just to be fun and social. Usually, though, you only flirt with a person you are truly interested in, and that's the kind of flirting you'll do today.
patti smith - because the night
"We talked about everything, ranging from the tree of life to the pituitary gland." -Patti Smith, Just Kids
VIRGO From time to time, you've been known to flirt harmlessly, just to be fun and social. Usually, though, you only flirt with a person you are truly interested in, and that's the kind of flirting you'll do today.
patti smith - because the night
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
VIRGO Your soul soup is being stirred. The relative calm you've been enjoying has given way to a certain bodily restlessness. Your searching self is waking up. Be gentle and slow. There is no reason to rush.
janis joplin - to love somebody
bonus track (another ittybittygina favorite, ambivalence towards consumer culture setting up shop in my brain ft. I was learning to ride my first bike, it was magenta with white wall tires and those tassles on the handles, i.e. my 'mercedes') (my father still sings this allll the time, like when he's buying crap at sam's club, he'll just start singing it at the cashier like a loony): mercedes benz (I love janis' giggle at the end)
janis joplin - to love somebody
bonus track (another ittybittygina favorite, ambivalence towards consumer culture setting up shop in my brain ft. I was learning to ride my first bike, it was magenta with white wall tires and those tassles on the handles, i.e. my 'mercedes') (my father still sings this allll the time, like when he's buying crap at sam's club, he'll just start singing it at the cashier like a loony): mercedes benz (I love janis' giggle at the end)
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Amy gave a reading. Set me to thinking about the people in my inner life, to whom I talk in the privacy of my mind/spirit. Something(s) have shifted in me, a subtle but pervasive shake-up. I’m thinking about the forces at work in that. Sometimes I think I have to stop and honor those forces esp if they're male because they're fewer and they are often invisible to the world as they are almost always unorthodox interpersonal choices on my part. I mean, if this is noteworthy, clearly I’m off the beaten path. Which is fine.
So. I’m stopping to honor my relationship with Scarecrow Bale D. Nobody looks at me the way he does, has ever looked at me like that except my Grandpa. (waaa I miss my grandpa letting that wash over me) Like throwing a big rock into a lake, when I hit Scarecrow’s line of sight, wakes of “YOU!” roll out of him towards me. It is simply clear and present that he believes I am a Good Thing in this world, on many levels. Because I believe the same about him, his belief sinks in rather than rolls over and leaves me cold. And that has changed me over this time, it has eroded much of my shell.
And my relationship with him has been a slow uneventful erotic awakening. It’s not been a sexual thing at all, we‘ve spent gobs of totally chaste time together, talking about the world mostly, arguing about it. But he is someone who is in large part his animal self, his sexual presence is simply palpable, and because he has no problem with his sexual footprint so to speak, he can calmly take my temperature better than I can myself and can smell on me what I can’t (yet) sense myself at all. He is keenly aware of that part of me, at work all the time in its smoldering way, even though to the world I seem some kinda a-sexual. I don’t seem a-sexual to Scarecrow, maybe more like a keg of dynamite to be tiptoed around. Over time that has changed my sense of myself too, has made me much more comfortable in my own skin and way of being, and has reoriented my view of myself as finicky, which is a much different thing than believing I have a coldness problem to solve. (His word is “modest”, which is as old-timey as canning I spose.) Between many people there is a box of erotic possibility, like they walk around and everyone they meet there’s a box there between them filled more or less with sex, and if there’s any chance of it being more than less, they are eager to open the box. There’s a Pandora’s box between me and Scarecrow. I had, even though I did not know it, poked at the box between us for years, I’d been sitting on it and dangling my legs innocent as a kid at a playground, my skirt hiked up underneath and butt warming on its glow, clueless as fuck. I drew back at first when I got a clue, but then my eyes adjusted. From the glow from that box, I could see the boxes in general between people, saw the box sitting there btw FPH and me shuffling around like maybe there’s a (runt?) puppy in it, I also saw that between me and most people there is no box at all as far as I’m concerned and I accepted that as my way of being, and much more. That’s what Scarecrow calls “Reverse Blinking”, when you think you have your eyes open and have to shut them to open them really.
Reverse Blinking, that concept alone has been as handy to me as one of those screwdrivers with all the interchangeable heads.
And there’s another thing. Also as a result of these re-viewing conversations between Scarecrow and me, I took my ex-husband to court to protect my primary custody of my kids. I didn’t think I needed to do that (another adamant statement Scarecrow was dubious of, pissing me off royally one day by accusing me of still being married, o I was so mad) because I didn’t want to need to do that because I am afraid of my ex-husband, afraid of his anger, his explosions, his spite, his capacity for ruthless self-interest. I wanted him to not notice that I had my kids so that he’d not try to take them from me. I wanted to stay off his radar by not asking for child support. I was addicted to that fear, lived with it too long to imagine otherwise, a functioning Fear-aholic. The threat itself wasn’t real. I had the legal right to the boys the whole time. X had me over a make-believe barrel. That is only beginning to sink in. I cannot remember living with no trace of fear of a man. I had managed some (a lot) of things all on my own, some money saved and this roof over my head, etc. - I mean, I had managed to clear my life of fear-reasons. But not that one. That removal has got to change my orientation to men, all of them, big time. How much attraction can you feel while simultaneously wincing? How much nagging is fed by fear, a form of panic? How much worry is really fear wearing a concern costume? How much withholding of what you really think or feel, always hiding it like contraband, can coexist with intimacy? I could go on all day with a litany of what removing fear might affect, clearing my water, no underground spill of that toxin ongoing into my system. Wow. No really, WOW. Having control over my own life so fully as this is intoxicating. It’s giving me beer goggles looking at myself.
A relationship w/ a man, for me, can be outside every box except the one between us. I know what I value, so completely sure that I’m a mountain goat on the sheer face opinion about it. My relationship w Scarecrow, that’s been important, (my mama doesn’t approve cz its too much like an affair, and my friends don’t approve cz it’s not enough like an affair but), it’s been very valuable to me.
Scarecrow doesn’t read my blog, but I’ll post a little playlist in his honor cz the man loves his Led Zeppelin. And this playlist goes double for Tbone, who brought with him a community pool pass from the 70’s that had our photo on it, him in a cut sleeved Led Zeppelin t-shirt and a big-ass mustache + mutton chops, and me about mid-thigh height at his side (in a 'disco sucks' t-shirt). This song is the only Zep tune to ever feature a guest vocalist, Plant’s only such duet in the Zep years, with a shy standoffish indie folk music girl who died in obscurity: The Battle of Evermore. Bonus track: When the Levee Breaks
O, and check this out. When I do a reading, the 10 of Wands is Scarecrow’s card cz it looks like him to me, always shouldering something. When I searched up the tunes, I remembered this album cover, remembered sitting in a beanbag around the time that pic was taken with my dad, next to his monstersized speakers, listening to music, studying that cover for hours.
So. I’m stopping to honor my relationship with Scarecrow Bale D. Nobody looks at me the way he does, has ever looked at me like that except my Grandpa. (waaa I miss my grandpa letting that wash over me) Like throwing a big rock into a lake, when I hit Scarecrow’s line of sight, wakes of “YOU!” roll out of him towards me. It is simply clear and present that he believes I am a Good Thing in this world, on many levels. Because I believe the same about him, his belief sinks in rather than rolls over and leaves me cold. And that has changed me over this time, it has eroded much of my shell.
And my relationship with him has been a slow uneventful erotic awakening. It’s not been a sexual thing at all, we‘ve spent gobs of totally chaste time together, talking about the world mostly, arguing about it. But he is someone who is in large part his animal self, his sexual presence is simply palpable, and because he has no problem with his sexual footprint so to speak, he can calmly take my temperature better than I can myself and can smell on me what I can’t (yet) sense myself at all. He is keenly aware of that part of me, at work all the time in its smoldering way, even though to the world I seem some kinda a-sexual. I don’t seem a-sexual to Scarecrow, maybe more like a keg of dynamite to be tiptoed around. Over time that has changed my sense of myself too, has made me much more comfortable in my own skin and way of being, and has reoriented my view of myself as finicky, which is a much different thing than believing I have a coldness problem to solve. (His word is “modest”, which is as old-timey as canning I spose.) Between many people there is a box of erotic possibility, like they walk around and everyone they meet there’s a box there between them filled more or less with sex, and if there’s any chance of it being more than less, they are eager to open the box. There’s a Pandora’s box between me and Scarecrow. I had, even though I did not know it, poked at the box between us for years, I’d been sitting on it and dangling my legs innocent as a kid at a playground, my skirt hiked up underneath and butt warming on its glow, clueless as fuck. I drew back at first when I got a clue, but then my eyes adjusted. From the glow from that box, I could see the boxes in general between people, saw the box sitting there btw FPH and me shuffling around like maybe there’s a (runt?) puppy in it, I also saw that between me and most people there is no box at all as far as I’m concerned and I accepted that as my way of being, and much more. That’s what Scarecrow calls “Reverse Blinking”, when you think you have your eyes open and have to shut them to open them really.
Reverse Blinking, that concept alone has been as handy to me as one of those screwdrivers with all the interchangeable heads.
And there’s another thing. Also as a result of these re-viewing conversations between Scarecrow and me, I took my ex-husband to court to protect my primary custody of my kids. I didn’t think I needed to do that (another adamant statement Scarecrow was dubious of, pissing me off royally one day by accusing me of still being married, o I was so mad) because I didn’t want to need to do that because I am afraid of my ex-husband, afraid of his anger, his explosions, his spite, his capacity for ruthless self-interest. I wanted him to not notice that I had my kids so that he’d not try to take them from me. I wanted to stay off his radar by not asking for child support. I was addicted to that fear, lived with it too long to imagine otherwise, a functioning Fear-aholic. The threat itself wasn’t real. I had the legal right to the boys the whole time. X had me over a make-believe barrel. That is only beginning to sink in. I cannot remember living with no trace of fear of a man. I had managed some (a lot) of things all on my own, some money saved and this roof over my head, etc. - I mean, I had managed to clear my life of fear-reasons. But not that one. That removal has got to change my orientation to men, all of them, big time. How much attraction can you feel while simultaneously wincing? How much nagging is fed by fear, a form of panic? How much worry is really fear wearing a concern costume? How much withholding of what you really think or feel, always hiding it like contraband, can coexist with intimacy? I could go on all day with a litany of what removing fear might affect, clearing my water, no underground spill of that toxin ongoing into my system. Wow. No really, WOW. Having control over my own life so fully as this is intoxicating. It’s giving me beer goggles looking at myself.
A relationship w/ a man, for me, can be outside every box except the one between us. I know what I value, so completely sure that I’m a mountain goat on the sheer face opinion about it. My relationship w Scarecrow, that’s been important, (my mama doesn’t approve cz its too much like an affair, and my friends don’t approve cz it’s not enough like an affair but), it’s been very valuable to me.
Scarecrow doesn’t read my blog, but I’ll post a little playlist in his honor cz the man loves his Led Zeppelin. And this playlist goes double for Tbone, who brought with him a community pool pass from the 70’s that had our photo on it, him in a cut sleeved Led Zeppelin t-shirt and a big-ass mustache + mutton chops, and me about mid-thigh height at his side (in a 'disco sucks' t-shirt). This song is the only Zep tune to ever feature a guest vocalist, Plant’s only such duet in the Zep years, with a shy standoffish indie folk music girl who died in obscurity: The Battle of Evermore. Bonus track: When the Levee Breaks
O, and check this out. When I do a reading, the 10 of Wands is Scarecrow’s card cz it looks like him to me, always shouldering something. When I searched up the tunes, I remembered this album cover, remembered sitting in a beanbag around the time that pic was taken with my dad, next to his monstersized speakers, listening to music, studying that cover for hours.
Friday, July 02, 2010
all along the watchtower la la la
once we added the door, it looked just like we'd built an outhouse with a watchtower on top of it
Thursday, July 01, 2010
WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: Be lighthearted and playful. Deep conversation and seriousness are a turn off right now. TAURUS: Lose some of your expectations, and a loved one will in some way exceed your wildest notions. GEMINI: What you lost with a past love you will gain with a new love. CANCER: You can thank an ex for shaping your current attitudes about love and romance. LEO: To become more attractive, you'll rid yourself of an addiction. VIRGO: You'll field many compliments. LIBRA: Once you deal with yourself, your romantic life will unfold in a most pleasing way. SCORPIO: You dress with flair, but also with class. A degree of decorum and restraint will make you even more beautiful than you are. SAGITTARIUS: You are driven to work hard and provide for your loved ones, and you deserve a partner who feels the same way. CAPRICORN: Drop the past and whatever happened so that you can focus your mind on what is going on around you. AQUARIUS: Love the relationship you have, not the one you think you should have. There is no "should be." There is only what is. PISCES: Talking about a partner is not appropriate, even if you know that what you say will never be repeated.
This is only funny because just after the short stick-figures show up, I looked at the husband-stick and thought "wait, it might matter that we hate each other and that we're STICK FIGURES not real people! We're gonna die this way!! AH!". Thank you God for my nervous breakdown. (And my nose.)
VIRGO Without committing to a systems overhaul of your life, you've recently made many substantive changes. You are not who you were a year ago. You are better.
(Way.)
The Sweetback Sisters - My Uncle Used to Love me but She Died
(update: mid cup of coffee, Tbone decides: he's done, he's leaving. He snaps a picture of us by the tower-shitter, and blam he's gone. See what I mean? My people: No preludes. He wouldn't even let me get my own camera to snap a pic of him, nope he's done, that's that, poof. Bye dad.)
This is only funny because just after the short stick-figures show up, I looked at the husband-stick and thought "wait, it might matter that we hate each other and that we're STICK FIGURES not real people! We're gonna die this way!! AH!". Thank you God for my nervous breakdown. (And my nose.)
VIRGO Without committing to a systems overhaul of your life, you've recently made many substantive changes. You are not who you were a year ago. You are better.
(Way.)
The Sweetback Sisters - My Uncle Used to Love me but She Died
(update: mid cup of coffee, Tbone decides: he's done, he's leaving. He snaps a picture of us by the tower-shitter, and blam he's gone. See what I mean? My people: No preludes. He wouldn't even let me get my own camera to snap a pic of him, nope he's done, that's that, poof. Bye dad.)
old fave:
8 mile road - I musta run 1000 miles to this.
Sometimes I feel like a robot, sometimes I just know not
what I'm doin I just blow, my head is a stove top
I just explode, the kettle gets so hot
Sometimes my mouth just overloads the ass that I don't got
But I've learned, it's time for me to U-turn la la laaa
bonus track: ft. nate dog - shake that
8 mile road - I musta run 1000 miles to this.
Sometimes I feel like a robot, sometimes I just know not
what I'm doin I just blow, my head is a stove top
I just explode, the kettle gets so hot
Sometimes my mouth just overloads the ass that I don't got
But I've learned, it's time for me to U-turn la la laaa
bonus track: ft. nate dog - shake that
eminem covers
the script - lose yourself
bryce larson - crack a bottle
streetwize - my name is ('urban jazz' instrumental)
jeffrey lewis & laura marling - brain damage lalalaaa this is great
the script - lose yourself
bryce larson - crack a bottle
streetwize - my name is ('urban jazz' instrumental)
jeffrey lewis & laura marling - brain damage lalalaaa this is great
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