status: migration prep

starting the wind up/down to Tawista. gotta lot to do buttoning things up here / prepping for being there. unless it's raining, I'm hiking, and unless I'm hiking I'm not leaving the cabin. 

I don't remember when I stopped going there, somewhere in the great losing of myself. then we decided to go back last year as part of the excavation of our selfs

obviously, only I made it (out alive)  

I was afraid to go alone, made myself get over it, and had a honeymoon of perfect absence

I wasn't completely surprised when he didn't show up, but I did not understand the full measure of why so I was as yet unworried. it needed to happen, whatever it was, I figured

I was a hot fucking mess still myself, just trying to stick to the whole get better together agenda best I could

I went back and read where I was when I left and how I came back from that place (always better somehow). I do remember the dick pic and the impact that had, ie a LOT of writing that I called Transformative Fucking, and now that I see that phrase again, I realize where sobriety games came from, even though I still had no idea obviously about the drinking because there's a picture of all the Paradox beer that I brought back as a present 

if I had to sum it up the Tawista migration last year, I seem stunned. like with an electric cattle prod mercilessly to my nervous system

and I clearly wanted/needed that shock

my nerves were already shot, no I did not wanna talk about it, I just wanted to countershock me. to short that feeling out, even if it meant the whole circuit box blew

a year later, the strongest emotion my nervous system sustains rn is annoyance, and I don't like to feel that so if something annoys me too much, I just stop doing it. which means overall, on a day to day basis, I feel very little. I think a lot instead. it's a trade off for being pretty inflappable atm. Death is the only thing I fear. aside from that, it's kind of hard to imagine hurting my feelings 

https://wretchedwant.blogspot.com/2025/08/tawista-2025-fini-ft-home.html?m=1 by the end 

this year, I know exactly where I wanna be and it is there, regardless. I weigh ten pounds more. sturdily blooming for-nobody under a ton of bricks. my inspirations are 1 Shit Turd the crow and 2 wildflowers/weeds

1 crows are curious minded, they can't help themselves but go check it out - that's the final answer on the Teacher Thing - get my attention or don't 

2 and because in my mind, everything associates with everything, "tulip" doesn't feel right re my churning. I don't feel planted or cultivated, I'ma a milkweed