I miss Paris. I mean I miss WORDS in that space, a text box not talking on the phone (ugh) or touching me. And music. A way for me to relate to anyone died when Paris died.

Alone. Quiet. Thinking. I shouldn't have drunk so much in NOLA. But he should have not. I know I started probably. So I felt in control of it. Then again, affirmative consent was not possible. Then again, then again. I did want to kiss him. But. Here is the thing that sticks in my craw: when it was he who was shitfaced once upon a time and allll over me, I tucked him in harmless as a lamb. No bruises. Something in me, in the relative safety of far from home deniability, wanted to test to see if that would go the other way.

Nope.

Men never can pledge allegiance to a womanfriend. Not really.

Can they?

I am thinking about it all. Men. The last months, almost a year now, my trying to Move On. Here is what I have learned: I don't like being backed into corners, pushed or controlled, made to compromise or attend, bullied, bruised, squelched. And I will seek that very thing out in order to lash out at it. I keep pushing it and pushing it, shoving, headbutting. Biting. Like a tick bite. And I have nobody to tell any of this to because my 'partner' is the exact person I could never tell anything that hurts.

(So that is how that feels...)

Yoga

zweat

Week of November 28th, 2019

♍ VIRGO

 (August 23-September 22)

In the follow-up story to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, our heroine uses a magic mirror as a portal into a fantastical land. There she encounters the Red Queen, and soon the two of them are holding hands as they run as fast as they can. Alice notices that despite their great effort, they don't seem to be moving forward. What's happening? The Queen clears up the mystery: In her realm, you must run as hard as possible just to remain in the same spot. Sound familiar, Virgo? I'm wondering whether you've had a similar experience lately. If so, here's my advice: Stop running. Sit back, relax, and allow the world to zoom by you. Yes, you might temporarily fall behind. But in the meantime, you'll get fully recharged. No more than three weeks from now, you'll be so energized that you'll make up for all the lost time—and more.

NA$A-$

Lizzo-truth hurts
A$ et al - WAM
7000 cafe - AlexxBritton
Girl talk - let it out
Father John - I'm writing a novel
Dance monkey - tones and I
Iggy azalea - wanna
Brazilian Girls - don't stop (!)
Missy E - WORK IT and Throw it back
Janet - way love goes  (cool it)
Lana del Rey- doin time

Cool 👿

Play me a song


Yup. I can't do this. I don't think I can do this...

Him: blabla our former student something something American Studies bla
Me: our who?
Him: ex-wife blabla anyway she's in Honolulu at the archives I had no idea blabla so we're having dinner while I'm there
Me: how did you find out she was in the archive? (Weren't you supposed to be going to that archive??)
Him: Facebook. She posted a pic and I thought that's UH archive so I messaged her blablabla
Me: (not listening anymore)

Facebook, the forever home of perpetual scoundrels.

"sweat equity"

War on Drugs - Under the Pressure

On this darkest and most mysterious day of the season, it will be most fortuitous to send a sort of spell into the ether about what you intend, wish and believe you can make happen in the weeks to come. Do you dare stretch your faith into a future where what you want is already yours? Declare it. Reach your hand into the dark and claim it.

a Selfish spell ~ Health + Wealth

prep work, witch garden harvest, consolidate resources + bury bad habits, sacrificing alcohol entirely and the names of that which saps my energy. it's a good time of year to find a small coffin to bury under a black moon, a dawn rose climber planted on top as the moon slivers anew. I put a reflective energy trellis behind it, mirrors to catch moon and dawn light, and a good repurpose of an object I remember buying to protect my bed when I'd been hurt, on which I still sleep but a king size is in my future

Loneliness is very strange. If you think about it. By definition, there is nothing there to be having a feeling about.

I feel for you - Prince (vault acoustic)

Anxiety is strange.

My skin glows, my hair coils, my guts don't ache, my nails grow thick as do my haunches. Moonlight nzls my skin.

I seethe and bare my teeth, light growling ears back. Anybody in their right mind would avoid my snapping range.

Except.

At the center is a molten river of bitter sweet.

Sound and Fury (this is badass!)

I am damn difficult. I watch myself bristle and not able to help it. I am TRYING TO HELP IT, but can't, I am a terrible liar, if I am hissing on the inside there is no way to quiet it. It can be heard through my skin. Every time I see him, he has to deal with it all over again. I just SNARLHISS. I do not want to be touched (much), definitely do not want to talk about how anything feels (!), don't want to even say "I'm glad to see you too."  yeayea, patpatpat

Was I always like this?

My inner dialog: are you oppressive and clingy? Or are you a perfectly nice guy who has the misfortune of being bewitched by my ass? You look like you're just sitting nearby breathing, nothing overtly oppressive about that. But for whatever reason, because I know you're thinking about me, I want to kill you. Even though you came 1000 miles to sit there and breathe harmlessly.

😠😠😠😠😠

He stopped a movie we were watching just to hug me, and I swear I nearly ripped his throat out with me teeth. I literally shudder growled, and he laughed. He laughs through it, just keeps it up. Like I am feral cat "rescued", who is not into rescuing at all, and he just keeps at it with human equivalents of cans of tuna. Stuff I like. Until I relent and I'm like FINE JESUS CHRIST FUCK GOD DAMN IT *JUST STOP WITH THE WORDS* AND YES INCLUDING WORDS YOU ARE ONLY THINKING GRRRRRRRRR.....

Trainwereck used to say that he spent 2 years sneaking up on me, like Elmer Fudd with a cardboard bush. I think he says that crap to everybody. But it worked. I felt like I could skip all the hissing and go straight to the penis magic because I bought that bullshit story. This poor bastard has to try to RELATE to me. And I hate that. I dunno how anyone ever did that :/

I feel smothered.

Ugh

post Malone- circles

Stevie Wonder - All is Fair in Love

I'm teaching a graphic medicine course with the chair of biology next semester. Students will make comic books about illnesses / biological malfunctions and she will be in charge of their scientifiic accuracy. So I am pulling texts out of storage and out drops a 'bookmark', like a joke I decided to tell my future self, "hey remember when you were traumatized by finding hotel room charges on bank statements? ha ha ha"

Yesterday, The Girl's cat broke its leg. Just the most recent of many child-related meltdowns lately. (My kids are killing me, that is also part if the This Time, my kids being all old enough to routinely fuck themselves over and then come crying to me.) I spent the evening in a vet ER. Turns out that's a very funny place to hang out. Dogs do the dumbest shit. My favorite was the beagle named Scout who ate mulch, weighed 5 pounds more than the day before, so 5 pounds of mulch. He was cute and friendly with an innocent look on his face. He reminded me of Trainwreck. That beagle is definitely going end up in an ER again, no doubt about it. Lol.

I just can't.

VIRGO: It's textbook basic this weekend — romance sparks between two people who like the same things.

Naps?

The Tragically Hip - Tired as Fuck

Grown children are a pain in the ass. No, halfgrown...no...

...all children are a pain in the ass.

No, wait ... PEOPLE are a royal pain in the ass.

Yea, that's it.

Amusing myself.

Gigglegiggle gigglegigglegiggle 

snow blink - don't stop til you get enuf

Some of these that I posted years ago don't exist anymore, not on YouTube or spotify, nowhere unless you have the original CD. It took me two days to find this, after hearing it again all skipped and scratched on a CD from under my car seat. Then I decided ok I'm going to download all the music off my blog, but my blog didn't work on a pc. I hadn't looked at it years so I didn't know a widget had hacked it. It works ok on my phone mostly, I am posting this from my 6 year old phone right now, so (shrug). I'm too busy to solve all this. But I should. I should rescue all that music...

1 swing
2 cellos - best in show
3 vocal
4 piano ft Lord Darth
5 basement trance
6 solid bar coverband
7 acoustic, love the PAUSEresume 3-3:33 - runner up (?)