Alone. Quiet. Thinking. I shouldn't have drunk so much in NOLA. But he should have not. I know I started probably. So I felt in control of it. Then again, affirmative consent was not possible. Then again, then again. I did want to kiss him. But. Here is the thing that sticks in my craw: when it was he who was shitfaced once upon a time and allll over me, I tucked him in harmless as a lamb. No bruises. Something in me, in the relative safety of far from home deniability, wanted to test to see if that would go the other way.

Nope.

Men never can pledge allegiance to a womanfriend. Not really.

Can they?

I am thinking about it all. Men. The last months, almost a year now, my trying to Move On. Here is what I have learned: I don't like being backed into corners, pushed or controlled, made to compromise or attend, bullied, bruised, squelched. And I will seek that very thing out in order to lash out at it. I keep pushing it and pushing it, shoving, headbutting. Biting. Like a tick bite. And I have nobody to tell any of this to because my 'partner' is the exact person I could never tell anything that hurts.

(So that is how that feels...)