He takes one out of the package, asks “how do these work?” as he unpeels it. What do you mean, how do they work, you know how they work. “Well yeah but these aren’t like the hospital issue wound pads”, which are exactly like the little pad stuck to the underside of every chuck roast or steak, only bigger, your dinner for all intents and purposes a wound separated from the wounded and a pad stuck to it that needs no adhesive aside from the blood itself, sticky inherently. “What are these things?”, he asks as he finishes unwrapping the side tabs and sticks the whole thing to his forehead. Those are wings, ya know, like from the commercial, you wrap them around. “Ahhh”, he says, as he opens a bottle of wine and pours me a glass with a panty-liner stuck to his forehead, the wings flapping.

Later, whenever that is and however it turns out to be noted as such, such moments as these will be my memories of us.

Remember this?

update: Mark cleared surgery, 8hours and viola a tumor "the size of a volleyball" along w his spleen (wtf is a spleen?)and gallbladder etc. Meanwhile I am all cried out. For today anyway. No song. I think I broke my soundtracker, I don't have DmS fortitude, I can barely narrate anymore

Me: What’s the most common term for a vagina, like in your everyday usage?
Him: what do you mean ‘everyday usage’?
Me: ok let me rephrase the question, what’s the worst term, like the pornographic one you might think in your head when you’re having sex typa deal? Is that ‘cunt’?
Him: probably, or ‘pussy’, I try to avoid ‘cunt’ cz it might be offensive
Me: you try to avoid being offensive in your head?
Him: well ok no not in my head, I’m just saying, ‘cunt’ might be a bit much don’t you think?
Me: I don’t really have a problem with it, personally
Him: noted
Me: so like what’s the pedestrian term, when you’re just referring to a vagina but not in a particularly fuck-me kinda way?
Him:
Him: ummmm, ‘vagina’?
Me: really? That seems so clinical
Him: Ok maybe ‘box’
Me: (giggle)
Him: shut up, you’re the one asking
Me: ok ok, so what’s the worst term? Like, that you know of?
Him: worst like how?
Me: like worst, like I dunno ‘bearded clam’ or something
Him: (giggle)
Me: Seriously, what’s the worst thing you can think of?
Him: ‘meat curtains’
Me:
Me: (gigggggle) that’s awful
Him: it is. Ok so what’s the worst one for a penis?
Me: well there’s ‘schlong’ but that’s pretty meh
Him: yeah you can do better, c’mon
Me: um…..’heat seeking moisture missile’
 Him: lol, that’s awesome, where’d you hear that one?
Me:


vid/music from DmS (I think the chic is kinda hair-too-did but the dress is good)


Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know - SNL 4-14-12 by IdolxMuzic


memory pops in the weirdest of ways, have you ever noticed that? I can't remember almost anything I try to, and then again strange things just wash ashore like that eyeball, and I dream, like last night I dreamt I got caught snowed in at a hotel with John trying to get to Chicago and somehow Aa had arranged the whole thing like time traveling matchmaker slash temptor like the devil gives out tests ya know? and I knew it was a dream in a minute when J said he was really into having a relationship now that he was all good and open and well and love-ready and I snortled like o really? and woke up coughing actually then coughed my brains loose as his smell faded, which was the only thing that bothered me, that it was actually in the room when I woke up that smell - then I lost an hour's sleep worring it was a sign of something, and decided it was a sign that my Ex is going to get himself snowed in with my boys in the Redwoods on a camping trip this coming week and they're all gonna die :/ in real life, I'm going to Target after work to buy the boyz more winter gear and underwear, paranoid now that a snow squall of memory or ice could kill a person if they don't have long underwear enough or something like that.....

"Thinly Veiled Disguise," Ron Sexsmith

"Memories are like flies swarming around me and I'm not sure I want to remember." ― Agnès Varda

accounting

do a reckoning
list all your relationships
significant ones
then rate em:
1 better off if she/he hadn't met me
2 better off for having met me
3 a draw
4 they fucked me over, some kinda deliberately or none-the-less

not an entirely useful activity
but it lends a certain ambiance of perspective

from 9/27/12: Mark (Grace's father) is dying of [has?] pancreatic cancer.  I am personally stunned by this fact.  It feels when I think about it like a physical blow and takes my breath away.  I am serially awash in grief-disbelief.  Every time I look at Bruno, it is hard not to think "I met Mark when I was your age".

We've got the boys this weekend.  Ex is busy with work, which is fine by me - good excuse to see Finding Nemo 3d, though the boyz feel obliged to protest they're too old for that despite being easily convinced to don those glasses in exchange for a theater hot dog (so cute).  Only downside: 10 bucks says Ex finds it in his o so busy schedule to send me some kind of email diatribe, in anticipation of which we will eyespy my phone with a suffering sigh every time it buzzes, and in the time it takes for me to make 2 pounds of bacon to satisfy TJ's endless stomach there'll be some itemized list from him of "concerns" or even better some further commentary on my curves (omg, M at work nearly swallowed her tongue in horror when I told her that story, lol, the look on her face stoked my outrage I admit - like wow yeah I should be super offended, eh? hahahahh) or best yet a 'funky math how on the planet mars I would owe less childsupport' bullshit (o hell no - call my tits udders all you want, but don't bounce my damn check), and I'll think dude if you don't actually have to work can't you at least go get laid or some shit, ugh....Aa and I fight about this, he rightly pointing out that legally speaking Ex does not have the right to send me emails about my ass and I do not legally have an obligation to answer them, etc etc.  We don't get far with these fights, because even after all this time I can't discuss Ex for very long before I start to get a panic attack out of habit.  The last time we tried discussing it, Aa wanting to email Ex some defense of my honor and me thinking yeah that kinda relationship drama is so last lifetime, you ain't doing any such thing (this is middle age not the relationship wild west, ya know what I'm sayin?) we went round and round about it for maybe 20 minutes, and then a man started dancing like a lunatic in my chest.  Because Aa is an open heart nurse, I now have better and even visual knowledge of my heartbeats.  The "Ex specific rhythm" starts at 2:51, and is not at all pleasant:
I pressed Aa's hand against my chest.  And we went to sleep that way. 


WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: VIRGO: Love is mostly guesswork. You guess right, or you guess wrong. Support yourself, and be on your own side either way. 

watching npr vids instead of grading papers....thinking deep thoughts like "maybe I should get bangs"....

not so new category

Ex got a look at me briefly a few weeks ago, taking out the garbage when the he was dropping the boys off after a weekend with him. And since, he has been obsessed with my tits/ass. It started with an email that bet me a year's worth of diet coke that I'm about 4 months pregnant (I get the coke if I'm just fat, the thinking on that went, as far as you can call what goes on in his head THINKING), to which I didn't respond at all (duh), followed by long haranguing assertions that he ought to know why I have such big tits because the reason(s) he can imagine might possibly affect the boys in some way.....no, seriously, he writes things like "for the sake of our children's well being I need to know what they know" (about the state of my tits the causation of their current protruding factor). I'm ignoring him utterly while he grows indignant.

I thought I'd post this on a Monday in the spirit of show and tell as the work week gets started under the category of having to deal with insulting morons, stories of.

Eef Barzelay: Bad Girl

update: Mark has what killed Steve Jobs...and that is the sum total of my knowledge base on the subject...............

We had a little blog breakdown….backhandedly, it is a good commentary on my writing, that it’s ummm moving. Freedom to write whatever you want to and freedom from having anyone ever read what you write are perfectly conducive to each other, but neither is compatible with intimacy much. I’m mulling all that over. Quietly.

radio citi zen - the hop (high rec)

“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.” Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking.

I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. Thereis no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of myactions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. --translation ThichNhat Hahn

"Holy Spirit," Ben Reynolds

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0684842017

I could conjure possibilities all day and still never see it coming.

For virgo: In the creation myths of Easter Island's native inhabitants, the god who made humanity was named Makemake. He was also their fertility deity. Today the name Makemake also belongs to a dwarf planet that was discovered beyond the orbit of Neptune in 2005. It's currently traveling through the sign of Virgo. I regard it as being the heavenly body that best symbolizes your own destiny in the coming months. In the spirit of the original Makemake, you will have the potential to be a powerful maker. In a sense you could even be the architect and founder of your own new world. Here's a suggestion: Look up the word "creator" in a thesaurus, write the words you find there on the back of your business card, and keep the card in a special place until May 2013

everyday life

everyday life

End of cycle. Pregnant only with pain.

"the reason for living [is] to get ready to stay dead a long time" - William Faulkner

I'm going to start keeping this blog again:

I am appalling. (That's all I've got so far... I'm mulling that over....)

"you don't feel like someone I used to know, you feel like someone I know now and I'm not speaking to you anymore"

the bad part is that my ass matches (or, coversely, the upside to my fat ass)

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