easy all stars - get by with a little help from my friends (beatles) - for FPH, it's perfect, you can build a backyard fire listening to it, and as easily alkdjfasldkja;sjd to it



VIRGO Some people are hugs; some people are handshakes. It's a case-by-case situation with you -- you could go either way. [indeed] Today, someone who used to be a handshake is now a hug. You'll see who it is.

only the end of the world could change the world. like the black plague, typa deal. I think we should be very afraid.

meanwhile, Japer was licking his shit so loud it woke me up >:(

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: You have a project that many will enjoy being a part of. You'll bring people together. TAURUS: You were meant for big things, which you can only accomplish once you get away from discounting, deflating, critical, pessimistic and negative people. GEMINI: Mixing money and romance is a bad idea. Give money instead of loaning it. CANCER: If a loved one follows your lead, happiness is certain. LEO: Hang around with honest people -- the kind where what you see is what you get. VIRGO: According to someone you know, you are the most beautiful creature in the world. LIBRA: You have an instinct for fun and a radar for unusual experiences. SCORPIO: You'll say the perfect thing to a stranger and strike up a connection. SAGITTARIUS: Insist on quality attention. CAPRICORN: Loved ones want to please you -- let them know how. AQUARIUS: Life is a whole lot happier when you let a loved one do his or her own thing. PISCES: Shake a lot of hands. Make yourself known. There's someone out there who desperately needs you in his or her world.

HI!

Hello.

Wow, I really had kind of given up on this kind of relationship.

You know, right?, that talking about your relationship history at the get-go is a turn-off?

O, right, ummm sorry. I just wasn’t expecting you.

Uh huh, well I probably wasn’t expecting you either.

And you’re RIGHT HERE, that’s so awesome! My last Mary, we had a strong karmic bond but the commute . . .

There you go again.

I’m sorry, I’m just saying, I’m really happy I don’t have to move to an international border crossing town in futile hopes of getting a smidge of face time with you, or whatever.

I appreciate your enthusiasm, but do I have to live on your driveway? The ick smell of the asphalt reminds me of the second coming. Or the gulf spill. Which, btw, is the end of the world.

Really?

Duh.

O. Damn. That sucks. Well meantime, I plan to move you to the backyard into the shade, give you a little garden, some shih tzus to play with . . . .

Nice. Okay, so, you got some shit that needs doing or what?

Ummmm, welllll, I’d probably want to give you some background . . .

O for Christ sake, enough with the shitty relationship history, just cough up a prayer will ya?

Can you say “for Christ sake”?

You’re a mother, right?

Yes.

Do you remember your kids’ names or . . . ??

O. Ha. Right. Ummm, well, I’d like to stop having all my sex with myself . . .

So you’d like me to have you lose your hands in a horrible freak accident on the Grand Island bridge?

NO!

Ok here’s a rule of thumb (duh): Careful what you pray for.

Right.

Be specific.

Right.

Right.

da vinci's notebook - I dream of jeanie (live)

sigh

my father disappears. I do it too, as into my getoffame forcefields. my mother seems to be listening to you, but nope actually she's a totem pole (I don't mean that as a metaphor). I understand best someone who has no prelude to good-bye. when my mom and I talk on the phone, we can sense it when we're starting to just fill the air, and instead of a wind-down one of us will say "ok that's it" or more often one of us will simply hang up, or say "I love you" then hang up. my father writes, after disappearing for over a month, "I gave myself to Jesus and now he never calls". nothing else.

meanwhile, mosquitoes hatched out. out here in the pretty countryside, nothing is ghetto except the bugs, but the bugs will FUCK YOU UP.

regina spektor - no surprises (radiohead)

bonus tracks:

o mercy - can't fight it (wa wa I want you pop)

lady gaga - future love (gaga wa wa want you pop, a capella); lovegame (wa wa I want to take a ride on your disco stick remix)

snowblink - don't stop til you get enough (nice chill cover, emphasis on the don't stop)

funki porcini - this ain't no way to live (pure chill)

jj - my way (chill hip hop)

slag boom va loon - sutjeda remix (pure chill)

playlist:

tosca - honey

VIRGO: Your gardener's heart feels a little annoyed at the weeds growing around you. Some weeds can be pulled; some can't. With your considerable skill, you'll keep the more noxious elements at bay.

[heavy sigh]

beth orton and m. ward - buckets of rain

I like the line 'you do what you must and you do it well'; I'd prefer to relate to 'I like the way you love' me but who worries about the performance quality of their love anymore? watching the world is like watching a hockey game that's killing you to see mangled. everybody breaking their arms patting themselves on the back for getting the puck, it never even occurs them to do something with it, pass it, shoot it, anything. Someone at the studio is into me, says Mark, hint hint out of nowhere when I'm sitting there minding my own business thinking about how sore my ass muscles are from moving a ton of free brick (long boring gardening story, I'll spare you) yesterday, and suddenly I'm faced with the prospect of having to date one of his buttgillion brothers (presumably), who all look just like him only unhealthy. I get busy looking at a month-old newspaper, say "I don't really do that anymore." What? See anybody? "Yup." AT ALL? "Yup." Ever? "Nope." For how long? "O, a year . . . two years, really, sorta" Holy shit, you're hot as hell, I'd totally . . . (at this point his 8-months-pregnant wife, whose listening, cracks up) "You'd fuck me, yes I know, I hear that a lot." Sometimes my bitterness surprises me, my cynicism I guess would be a better word, as it sucks all the air out of a room like that. But really, it's even worse cz "I'd fuck you!" turns out to not even be true, actually, in the clincher it really is patpatpat pretty much, so all this fuss over my milf appeal slash yoga body amounts to "hey, I have a puck!" and, um, like, good for you . . . [heavy sigh] . . . I went back to the newspaper, get-offa-me forcefield at maximum. Then I taught the mid-day class for them all, his wife and in-laws and one of the interchangeable blucky bros, and I did it well.

give myself a good talking to la la laaa

update (both high rec):
ben watts - you're gonna make me lonesome when u go
my bubba and mi - ibid

VIRGO In your spectacular fantasy world, celebrities blend with normal people, piles of money are given to you for no reason, and it's always your favorite kind of weather outside. Your real life will match up in some small way today.

giggle - when I was watching the local news, everybody bla bla'ing at him, I thought "I'd be thinking you're HOT" and was glad I wasn't there thinking that and trying to think of something smarter to say and wondered how nobody was saying anything like "you're smokin!" hahhahhahalol

there are sooooo many thin lines that I haven't crossed to the wrong side of only because, as my mother assures me, God looks out for fools

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: Keep spending to a minimum -- you don't need to buy things to prove your love. TAURUS: You'll be the "it" person at the party. GEMINI: Someone nearby can see what's in your heart. CANCER: You'll take care of your loved ones, making appointments for them and advising them on health matters. LEO: You may find it temporarily appropriate to act in a maternal or paternal way toward the one you love. VIRGO: You will find great peace and solace in being alone. [that I can do] Your ability to be solo and happy makes someone want to be with you. LIBRA: People notice every little thing about you. You'll be checking the mirror often in order to make an impeccable impression. SCORPIO: You may be feeling uncharacteristically extroverted, and all of your big, friendly efforts will bring about lucky social consequences. SAGITTARIUS: You'll show confidence whether or not you feel it and will capture the attention of someone special. CAPRICORN: You may not be particularly proud of your job or present life situation, but find a positive spin and start talking. Someone will find your scene extremely appealing. AQUARIUS: It behooves you to prize friendship over love for now. PISCES: Organize your environment first; then love comes to you.

listening to: jc brooks & the uptown sound - I am trying to break your heart (wilco)

no duh, seriously, kristen scott thomas is hot as hell and katy perry needs about a decade more cooking time before I'd bother sticking my fork in her. (armscrossy on this subject. this is going to sound kinda bitchy but it's only obviously true that I'm worth a small fortune, way more than what I've been offered [so far]. steady, sane, smart, successful, sexy with a passle of brillllliant and impeccibly raised children flanking me . . . show me a man with anything in him to match any of that and self-aware enough to know he's got it [to give]. please!hahaha.
until then, "meh")
>:/

if I shut the water off at the toilet, the leak stops, which makes no sense to me bc it would be the same pipe that leads to the sink right? I mean, ya wouldn't run a pipe from wherever water comes from (which I dunno) to each thing separate, right? upstairs has to have just one pipe for cold water, I would think. but the toilet was nastey anyway, so went to home depot and got a new toilet and the neighbor dude put it in but then the leak came back. so now I have the toilet shut off again, and the leak is gone again. I stare at this problem in my mind, lying here freezing my ass off fully dressed under 4 blankets, wondering how the fuck the mechanics of it could work. I mean, a pipe is a pipe, either it's leaking or it's not. how can it not-leak when the sink is on but the toilet using the same pipe which is a new toilet is still leaking some kinda way unless I merely turn that shut off at its base and then it sits there full of water not-leaking . . ?? . .

update: my kids gave me a fantastic mother's day, to hell with the toilet, so there

It is going to snow tonight. And some pipe or a mysteriously new part of my roof (??) is leaking, water streaming down the inside wall downstairs near nothing that would make any sense as a source. Various people, not me, could probably tell me what it is, where it's coming from, but nobody wants to hear from me unless I'm perky in yoga pants delivering a horoscope whatever.

I taught all day, knowing his check will bounce, tyring to help the studio in Orchard Park keep its doors open. A woman named Rosilee came in for the open house freebie class at 4, she was a bundle of twigs, shaking with any effort whatsoever, a total disaster. Afterward she told me she has anxiety problems. (Duh.) I told her truthfully that I used to be that skinny, used to need a drug to bring my heartrate down, used to force myself to stop shaking (when FPH was new, not wanting to scare him when he was some kinda skittisher than me about god knew what) by biting down on the inside of my cheek really hard but if you touched me you could still feel it, the tremble. She looked me over and didn't believe me and left miserable.

Sigh. Siiiiiiigh. O I guess I'll just drink a beer, watch hockey and say "ChickenFucker" bc everytime I say "ChickenFucker" it cheers me up.

No song, I don't have one.

p.s. I got re-elected and/but coworkers keep making jokes that Mr. Denied Tenure is going to shoot me when he gets my final letter . . .

VIRGO You will be wrestling tigers today, metaphorically, of course. The strong-willed, turbulent and volatile creatures around you will not overcome you. In the end, your gentle persistence will win out.

Today is the faculty elections. I have to be re-elected president every year. I'm kind of anticipating the man I fired (am firing, I should say) attempting to fire me in return. I'm wrapping my head around how that might go down, how ugly it could get, how I'll feel, The Nun will be there, hell everyone will be there . . . hmmm, what should I wear?

You seem to want to become old and wise before your time, Virgo. Today's aspects will take you by the hand and lead you back into the heat of the action, experiencing life in all its intensity. Yes, we know you're really afraid of all this. But if you don't get back into action, you'll stay alone in your little corner. The world needs you.

(eyeroll)

I worked my ass off. the other day, BaleD let me use his old pick-up truck and took me to this junk quarry for 1000 lbs of busted up recycled Corian to use as gravel to make paths and borders. It was like moving mulch's bad ass cousin all day today.

Though there was nothing wrong, I feel a lot better.

update: nothing is wrong. I am transplanting lilac bush babies, and I am content (enough) (for now).

lady gaga - alehandro (I think I misspelled that)

REblogging (as per The Girl's nagging about it - it is kinda nutty to UNblog all the time just because my mood changes later whatever. she's right, life doesn't come with an eraser on the end after all):

I went to a Beltane (May 1) picnic festival thing today with Sunnie and her hubby Jeffrey and our friend Fraya. The drumming was cool, I like to dance around by myself, it's like a volley ball vibe only set to music kinda. It was pretty hot out, humid, which felt good. Some dufus named "Cash" tried flirting with me, though, and killed my goddessbuzz. And as per usual my friends, who try flirting FOR me, get annoyed as I retreat completely. I walked away and left J and "Cash" sitting on the grass talking about my boots.

The only guy who looked remotely attractive to me today was the Amish dude in a carriage we passed on the country highway.

Ears says, of gooey weird foods like au gratin potatoes, "I just can't like it" - I know what he means and how utterly depressing it is to fail at the simplest likings. People tell me I'm good looking, or successful, nice whatever, as if the problem is that I don't think I'm at all desirable. Why else would I go sooo long undesired unless I think I deserve that? But I can see for myself that my legs are okay looking in that pic, and besides people find love all over the place and it's not about how they look or what they have. Today the ugliest fucker I ever laid eyes on got down on one knee and proposed to his equally ugly girlfriend, and they were clearly happy and I was . . . not jealous exactly . . . just apart. I found FPH, he had his hands shoved in his pockets and walked a Princess Di distance behind his own friends, retreating under his hat brim, and I felt "I know you" and I loved him the way you do a person who has your own blood, as suits me, with food and little fanfair. I unexpectedly tripped over Scarecrow, huddled and curled around pain in a darkness, babying his fears of divorce and failure like he babies his broken arm - for a second I wanted to reach my hand out to see if the healing could go both ways, he wanted me to but he didn't need that (much), he just needed someone to care and he mended with my word bandages and went back to his normal woman, full of childlike joy to show off what he'd made, himself whole again. I'm grateful for these men in my life. These are bonds rooted miles deep in me. In FPH's case, if I hadn't found that man, I'd have died where I was and never been kissed the way I learned I like.

So I'm not full of self-pity over men, quite the contrary. Ya know how likely it was that I was going to die bitter? Like, almost a SURE BET: violent father, drug-disappeared first husband, abusive second husband, alone for years . . . but instead of bitter, I feel over-full of affection. I just need a "No" man to tell me "Okay", I need to find him, aloof and apart himself in some way that I solve, I need to bring him my deep well of quiet and my pretty legs. But I think I have to accept that this will be as far as I got, where I am right now: Okay until some wax apple tries to chat me up, reminding me that I'm hungry but offering me nothing I want.

I had to fire someone this morning. It was weird. And it's hard to fire professors, ya know? It's supposed to be hard, cz for instance I taught a story by Dorothy Allison today, and I had my students swear. It made them really uncomfortable. It made them giddy. It made them laugh. The nuns, I let them off the hook. One said in a deep Vietnamese accent, "It is hard enough to hear ok?" Then I told them to feel outrage, remember something deeply unfair to them - everyone has that, that they're carrying, right? I know they have, a handful are from Africa, one whose face is scarred systematically, who told me of caring for a 13-year-old boy whose rotting body was not yet dead when his family abondoned him to the church ; one got chased out of Serbia by formerly friendly neighbors; one has stopped cutting herself but her mom still hates it that she's gay . . . I told them to sit there and feel really angry, not miffed but gut-furious, to feel empathy for themselves. Then they found it harder to swear, because they'd grown somber. So then it made more sense that the author swears on every page, to make us laugh but it's also a kind of bravery to be able to swear and make others laugh about things that aren't funny. It's a kind of power.

It's very important that I not be subject to being fired for teaching what I choose, as I see fit.

I have to review other profs to help decide if they will get that protection for life, tenure, or not. I have to help decide: No. The man I said "No" to is outraged. He'll have at least one year to change my mind. He can't fathom having to try that hard. And that's why he got fired. Because you can't commit to something for life that's merely good enough, that serves some expedient purpose (it pays the bills) whose removal (you inherit some money) would render the doing of it meaningless for you. If you're in something for life and it could be meaningless that easily to you, then it's meaningless to you right now. I mean, I can see having found yourself in that situation, but not on purpose. There should definitely be a law against marrying what you don't love at all, against valuing your Life on scales of expedience, against committing to what is good enough and thereby consigning yourself forever to Being merely good enough as well. I'd have said Yes if he loved his life and was worse at doing it; I could only say No to his loveless competence.

listening to

mieka pauley - all the same mistakes

blossoms on the baby peach tree

I can hardly stand (iffy) tunes when I'm too overshitty. touchstones only.

patti smith is my new bobby d - gimme shelter (rolling stones) - developing a mozlike fixation

Do you remember the monster that sometimes lived under your bed when you were a kid? Recently it found its way back to you, and has been spending time in your closet. It's not as frightening as it used to be, and I'm not alarmed by its return. [I am.] In fact, I think it has an important message for you that would be valuable to discover. Virgo, I encourage you to invite it out for a conversation. As you might suspect, as soon as it delivers its crazy wisdom, it will leave you in peace.

I am just straight up not doing so good. No "spin" on that whatsoever. And no search and rescue on its way.

I am dead tired.

sunday morning reading: some people are all about the NYT, but "so I had sex with a pinata" works for me

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: ARIES: What you have learned about maintaining emotional control will help you. TAURUS: You are the rock of security in someone's otherwise potentially exciting life. GEMINI: You'll be able to teach something complex to a loved one via your example. CANCER: You are running at a different tempo from a loved one, but somehow you meet up on the downbeats some of the time. LEO: Look for the kind of beauty that money can't buy. VIRGO: You're straight. LIBRA: Think before you react. Once you give yourself the chance, you'll make wise choices. SCORPIO: You act out of love. So even if you make a mistake, the outcome will improve things in the end. SAGITTARIUS: You are on the cusp of adventure. Don't be afraid to fall forward. CAPRICORN: Allow yourself to let go and be you. This will induce lots of laughter. AQUARIUS: You could work well with a loved one and make good money together this weekend. Stranger things have happened. PISCES: Honesty is the cornerstone of a loving connection.