he's in rehab, but I was right about him not being at St Joes, he's in LEWISTON for fucks sake. that's so funny it hurts or hurts so bad it's funny. I just
(breathe)
that's what is so hard to explain about this. he feels it when I get to omgicantdothisanymorehesbreakingmyheart and signals "hold up!" - he can't read any of this, he is in lockdown w no internet - but it is as if he could read me, anyway. he'd say no it's just the day he got to use the phone, but he's wrong. I keep the record books. I have noted this interwoveness many times, especially when I am at breaking points and he somekinda hold up!'s me.
he's in my head and I am in his head. that's it. and since that just is, uh, we gotta figure out how to manage that in a less harrowing fashion. new rule: I never want to hear about his wife ever again. Just that. One change. I am using capitals. I mean it. My wish for this year rules that one subject out of my conversational limits for a spell.
unless he wants to talk about how I feel about that subject, which he for sure would not like and I would not enjoy that either. she's a sore spot = trigger = no go. that is the inevitable result of my having been pulled back into his orbit much too soon re that "divorce" I think we (incl therapists) would all agree. and inevitable because any physical proximity and physical ability, regardless of circumstances, will result in one of us touching the other. his heart or mine, one of us starts it. that is not your mother. or your cousin. or even Joe with benefits. nope. there is only one of me so use me for what God intended, whatever that is, which can't be Disney-related. I am the anti-Disney. like the antichrist. yea, I can be his antichrist, that works.
so when he gets outa there, he'll have a day to get over here to see Knife and tell her all about that, that's what mothers are for, on his birthday no less, perfect timing for a polish clusterfuss. and Joes, I betcha are great for wife hating. he's got lotsa options. and whether he knows it or not, he needs somewhere/one he goes to for not-that. a respite from her/that. that's what I have to offer by walling that OFF. which might wall him off from me, or might be better for him too. it'll change something. and I think we can agree that something has to change.
how did Kerri put it? "my soul orbits yours" category. he's one of those, too. he's the unstable volcano soul in my soul's life.
the first thing he said, and repeated it for emphasis, "I'm not dead." he sounded awful. he sounded a lot like I feel: physically fit and emotionally busted. wanting a cigarette, which I finally gave up again or I'd be smoking right now.
we didn't say I love you at goodbye. we could hear each other silently say I'm not gonna say that like agreeing, let's not keep doing that only under these dire straits, I'd like to be smiling the next time I say I love you to anybody. #livethewish so I let my ma say goodbye real quick instead before I cried my head off in pure relief / release from uncertainty. it upset my mother a lot to see me like that but it felt good, that dam broke finally.
and it's GOOD for her to see reality, too. stay in the game Ma, I obviously cannot afford to lose more / have more threaten to die on me. even Aaron can hear that from all the way the fuck up in our other backyard 🤦🏻♀️. so knock it off 😭🤨😭 or I swear to christ I'm gonna unplug the televisions #rehab
