I can't tell her a beautuful lie about my dad. I wasn't preparing for that lie. 

Yeah he's very here, if I can open my heart 

(not an easy thing, most people say they can be open hearted but are ignorant of how their hearts work)

and allow/afford it, my dad's right here. but no, he doesn't have a message for her. she always says the same thing, "she's sorry / can he forgive her" like a tape on a loop

whhyyyyyyyyyg is everybody - repeating themselves in loops like they're drunk? seriously it's starting to freak me out

he is just not interested in any of that anymore. when he m/loves through me, if I had to put into words, it's you know what I meant. and I do know 

she actually said "what am I chopped liver" and "you were the real love his life" and pouted

there was no way I could pull a beautiful lie outa my ass that fast

so I tried the truth: to say you're sorry all the time starts to ring like you're battered, which means I'm the asshole somehow. always. maybe if she knocked that off? 

but could you really, Ma? could you just knock that shit off? probably not, she admitted. 

the whole dynamic between them was ill. he is by definition no longer ill. and he didn't mean to be ill. I can't explain it better that that. 

besides, I have all these house problems, he's prolly just around here cz of that (=I finally find some true-ish sounding bullshit)

I am so tired.