love a handmade card 💞

now it's today. 

it's mothers day, which I rebranded as Living Ancestors Day (= still breathing). it's been the turn of one full year -  from seed(s) planted to what was harvested through how well did it keep you alive to be on your feet to plant anew - it's time to take the measure of that cycle.

to underline that point, the card of the day is The World. that means "credits rolling", how'd ya like the story? 

viewed from that perspective, this is actually one giant transitional period:

• your father’s death
• your mother becoming more fragile
• Aa collapsing
• your role in relation to him changing
• your children becoming adults with adult problems
• the cottage as responsibility versus break from it
• the work year ending
• the old rhythms dissolving

That’s not random chaos.

That’s:

a whole era of your life reorganizing itself

You didn’t collapse this week, fulfilling the pattern of not collapsing as core.

You:

• received your mother
• stabilized around her distress
• handled Aa without spiraling into interrogation
• kept the cottage situation moving
• are hosting your son tonight
• are continuing life

You keep dismissing this as:

“doing what has to be done”

But The World often appears when someone is:

carrying an entire ecosystem through transition.

That’s actually what you’re doing.

You’ve seen enough now that you can no longer unknow what things are.

You know:

• Aa is unavailable
• your remaining parent cannot emotionally hold this situation
• competence will always default work toward you
• attraction is not enough
• endurance is not fulfillment

Those realizations are painful.

But they are integrated knowledge now, not guesses. 

Mother’s Day clearly hits weird for you in that context.

But

• your children call
• your son comes over
• your mother is with you
• there is family orbiting around you

Not because you are merely useful. But because you are central to the emotional structure of these people’s lives.

That does not replace being held yourself.

But it is part of what The World is pointing at:

You are standing inside the full reality of your life now.

That's it. This is it. Except of course with me "this" is never "it" if it's wrong or not good enough. I'ma gonna 💣 if so, sooner or later. And man, straight up, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. It's especially not fun enough, it's not even funny unless I'm telling the jokes. It's fine. I'm fine. It's no fun being nothing but fine and otherwise negligible. Pass the butter my ass.

But. You don't get to yes by planting nothing but no. It's a conundrum. I'm mulling that conundrum, like Capt Underpants, flip back and forth fast, May-to-May.

"getting dressed" = put your glasses on, that's it lol