(if she butterknifes me one more time, Im'a wring her neck) 

I gotta paint that wall.
It's the reason the roof is leaking, says the asshole roofer.
I can't paint that fucking wall.
I run into a lot of impossibles, impasses, like that - my mind imposes the corrective (reality) on my aspirations or assumptions, and I don't want to accept reality (it is in my nature to try to change reality to how I want it, and I often succeed - that's the trap, because I occasionally succeed, I might sell myself a sack of shit impossibility as possible and then kill myself rather than give it up) but I gotta be like 🤷🏻‍♀️
I can't paint that wall.
I might paint that wall.
I should not paint that wall.
etc.

Ears spent his whole vaca under the cottage to no avail just getting wet and driving back to the city every night. He's still rock steady, never lets me down. 

But. He's the only one.

So, I promoted Bug to adult-enough. I need another steady grown-up, and she's going to be that person. 

It's time for Bug to step into her power. I got that promotion at her age, same reason, adults all batshit sick m.i.a. But she has me, and I her.

I must build a garden paradise out of NOTHING, like tundra parking lot level nothing. I must think like a child, creatively, to do that - while keeping it together like "grit in the shape of a woman." 

She is still just young enough to believe in the force of magic. Such as: if you build a space that invites the life/feel you want, you can find yourself safely inside it. 

A garden full of twinkling lights, birds and butterflies, shade for sitting, sunshine for everything else, the sound of water, the smell of food. No pit in your stomach of dread. Bug knows that pit, too. And we are going to banish it. We will imagine it together, then hold that thought. Hold it and hold it and hold it. 

Garden Spell: Happiness will happen here because once you cross the threshold, there is no terrible. All ye who enter must leave terrible behind. Or they will not be able to stand being Here X at all. smib 

[image removed]

step 1 - fortress infrastructure

Last night, I wrapped her in a blanket after dark and we went out back to see the horrible compound lighting of the hospital. Now look up - STARS. Understand? "Yes," she said very soberly. That'a girl. 

making love out of nothing at all - air supply

card of the day:

Justice — the central issue

This card is mercilessly simple:

actions have consequences.

Just:

• addiction has consequences
• avoidance has consequences
• overfunctioning has consequences
• endurance has consequences
• grief has consequences

Justice is the card that says:

stop arguing with reality’s accounting system.

Which is very hard when love is involved.

This is also about your father, too.

Grief has been pulling you emotionally underwater for months.

Sit beside grief and say:

“these feelings are real; they are not the only reality”

That’s not coldness.
That’s stabilization.

---

One sentence for today

Clarity is not cruelty.

New moon. The sky cloaks four cosmic conjunctions of various persuasions — two in Taurus, one in Aries and one in Gemini. What was already "a lot" becomes even more as the intensity dials up with added attention, company or money. This is no time to focus on trouble or throw money at a problem. Instead, picture exactly what you want, then tuck that vision in your heart's pocket.  

Yep. Then HOLD THE THOUGHT.

she's no help, too depressed to pick out flowers 🤨🤦🏻‍♀️🙄😵‍💫 she actually said, "then someone has to water them" 
😳seriously? yes, flowers need water, so you water them.

newsflash: YOU WANT FLOWERS
(duh)