it's still today

it's frustratingly remarkable the difference it makes to/in me to be free of uncertainty re Aaron. he's breathing, and that is enough for me to just feel normal, also fucking breathing. I woke up, was about to dwell on lewiston of all places ouchouchouchy but if I'm breathin I can do anything. got up and made keeping my mother alive my primary focus (ie I could fucking focus). she is 💯 better each day, which means she goes from deaths door to a foot back from it, me dragging her ass back to life. while she watches me take another call, a weird new normal I'm okay with quickly, watches me absorb Aaron's statements about dying within hours of leaving rehab should it fail him this time. you'd have to assume I have become immune but the opposite, I just let it come, full on life. it's fucking hard and shit. and I am only good at enduring but gave that up. I have no idea what I am doing besides berating my mother with words I think at Aaron too, but with her I don't pull any punch. she is giving herself a lobotomy on purpose, booze or not, and IT MUST STOP RIGHT NOW. and I am just

in no mood any more. LIVE god dammit. just fucking DO IT. swallow your fucking PRIDE and be grateful you're still growing old and get WISER, the time for growing up is over. GOT IT?! 

and she does, almost hourly, come back online. present. yes, grief is terrible. unbearable, feels like. but bear it. do not pass it on. 

card of the day. 6 of pents. reciprocity. get there 🤨

then I finally settle for the night, feathers unruffling.

I know it's really hard. like using flint in a downpour. but why stockpile rations if you're not planning to survive dreary?

my friend E said everybody is a rod and I am lightening right now, a phase that feels to me like everyone else has gone lump. but maybe she's right.