son-in-law back in the hospital - drove himself south afraid of the bills left behind at Mercy and all of us afraid of Erie Co by half - back pain that might be a heart attack. my daughter is losing her shit, about him and over Everything
they already hang by a thin thread. they can't do what Ears is doing (not functioning at all lifewise and functioning little thoughtwise, unless we talk about aquariums, about which I know little). they are past the window of allowable break-downs and must function, broken or not.
there's also nothing I can do but stay on my feet. truly nothing. and staying on my feet gets harder and harder
I decided to deep clean. especially my witchshit. it's been nearly a year of near constant candlework and other old school hoodoo + prayer, trying to pull protection and light at the end of tunnels, anything and everything I could think of. and everyone is still alive, far as I know.
but there is always a price. I feel like a helium balloon let go of into the winds.
the candles, all the oils and feathers and enchanted momentos, they're mostly all used up now, and what is left is in disarray. I'm cleaning the magic pantry, looking over what is left. like the ashes of the dead. scattered medicine cards. luckystep drops for your shoes. a lock of hair, a knotted ribbon, blood ink. liptint and a dirty sock tossed in haste onto it all. I am hoping to reset by cleaning it up, organizing again. putting cards back into their boxes.
until Mark died, he was the person I expected would always let me in if I showed up at his door. if I offered no explanation, he wouldn't ask for one. I just knew that.
it is a luxury to have a person you think of that way, aside from your mother, who will leave the earth ahead of you and before you're ready. Mark left too before I was ready to have no such person like that. I was thinking about that when I pulled the card.
within my power, I have done what I could. for anything else/more/better, a miracle would need to occur. i.e. something out of the clear blue.
