When I watched this last night, I had to tap out at the grim middle. The 2nd half was gonna be about his dying. I came back to it today, earlier so stronger.

So the the middle, this dude's WHOLE LIFE WORK FOR 50 YEARS BURNS DOWN and boom, scorched earth. And he knows that now he is Dying, from that day forward. There is no coming back from some things. And he's pretty at peace with getting that done, but he slows it down. As if by will, even though almost immediately his organs start to fail and skinny af, but BY WILL he decides he has to live long enough (4 years, all of which he could do without the struggle of, but) to find a group of people who will come and rebuild and live there, nature nerds. He has to find someone to take the scorched earth from him, happily. And he does. And then they all have a kind of dying party as he watches them put it all back and every day he grows happier and closer to death. 

They keep showing these shots of the land itself, looked just like when I was a kid in Nowhere, and my dad would take endless photographs (film) of the trees. 

My dad would have liked to have died like that guy died. But he couldn't because he did not live like that guy lived. He had too much anger and sadness and self pity to live like that guy did anywhere, even in paradise.

But!, I decided dad did die in exactly the way this guy did, though, and that he sent this film to prove it. In his head, he imagined all that was true and died dreaming about it. (loophole lol)

I want to live like that guy lived, like a happy healthy hippie who thinks of this world as my mom does, seeing beauty everywhere, including in the falling(s). Yes. I don't want to fail at the simplest fucking thing, loving life.

And I have been epically failing at it. 

I am going to eat again now, mmm that pork. And then I am going to my father's funeral.