It's a good thing I believe (teach) that to be human is to be broken (open). You're built for it. If that never happens, you're not lucky, you're a sociopath. I do believe that. So. I just have to get sucker punched to the sternum, a sternum that I've been self-performing cpr on for god knows how long (crick crack) so. 

Words fail me.

I am glad I am not currently furious, which can feel "up" but is not, it's brain self generated alcohol roughly. I mean, sometimes ya gotta go scorched earth, but I try try try to stop waking up holding smoldering guns. That shit will kill ya.

But. This blown wide open thing now 💔, also not a fun part. I don't even know what to call it. I guess that is what my mind is doing mostly, trying to know what this even is.

I know: I feel better outside smoking. So I go outside and smoke. 

Tomorrow, there will be available the drugs of immediate movement, virgos love that, to-do lists. Then retail therapy. But. I think Ima use these drugs sparingly, they're empty calories, and imagine instead mostly empty rooms with art leaning everywhere. I have made up my mind, no television. (Want a television?) 

All the worst things have already happened, how did that quote go? 

I need Sunnie back.