pandemic scrapbooking

yard art, transmuting grief and frustration 

the dead lapdog barks, sounds just like him (there must be squirrels in the afterlife)

30 days

Day 1. That has nothing to do with all that is sore right now except that despite that, after 1 day, what I want is to dance on coals. 

Knowing and deliberately invoking Manic. 

Hurrying up to Relax - Heather Crosse I gotta get outa here

ft

Have you lost your mind? - Ben Levin it's too late

"what the actual fuck?"

funny last words (in case) V.1

"I never got a pointless chicken!"

sweater weather

 

 

 I tried driving my jeep an actual distance today. It died. I have to be on campus starting tomorrow, hence the test run; I will not be going. I also started the freezing my ass off endless hot baths season  - bubble bath is like beer, way overpriced artisanal (sp?). 

I submitted my survival float for the Adirondack prize; I did it nude, which seems to me should count for more if you're my age

dirtnap cake

If you have symptoms of COVID - which can be the same as strep, as bronchitis, as bacterial pneumonia, as ear infection in a child - you can't see a doctor / get medical care. First you have to get yourself tested, somehow. Call a hotline, try to get an appointment, get yourself there on a bus. Then wait. My results took 6 days every time. THEN if you DO NOT have it, you can see a doctor. If you do, you're told to stay home. What happens if you stop being able to breathe, I honestly don't know. You call an ambulance, I guess, and they take you somewhere to die alone at a designated overburdened ICU. ?

One thing is sure: nobody flies your belligerent fat ass to a state of the art hospital to get first in line for the very few drugs available for the disease you personally willfully inflicted on hundreds of thousands of people.

SHAMEFUL. 

Bonus track - hey Canada, shame on you too

 don't go down the rabbit hole

 

Update: they all have it. If there is a God, in answer to my earnest begging re they know not what they do, the tests came back BEFORE anybody went to Wisconsin. 

Where are all the real life up close personal human images of COVID? Where are the death throws photos? Where are is the equivalent of the napalm girl and Emmett Till? That stupid fucking photo of the germ that looks like a marble w globs on it, nobody can FEEL THAT.  Where is the first dying baby photo album in real time?? Until that happens, nobody can see it. 

Most of the people I love are in WI. they themselves do not seem to realize what a 20+% rate of infection means. Dying alone on all fours in diapers failing to breathe. 

I asked Nebraska to get me in touch with Betty White. I need a PSA from a universally trusted source. Give me 20 seconds Betty, we could stop this show. Maybe.

My sister and I got on Google meet to play debate beer pong:

Drink

Trump says: *Hunter *Law and order *Suburbs *"Best ecomony" *Fake news *Crooked Hillary 

 Biden says: *COVID *Climate change *Affordable health care *BLM *Social Security

I have a headache. I would have had a headache watching that disaster regardless of the beer. Wow.

no one could possibly understand how this feels , so it isolates me from all others (even more) , there is no metaphor , nothing "like" losing a child and not losing one also in one fell and my being born into a thickened layer of motherworry air that I breathe like ash , and that no one notices because we are all breathing a worryash , terror aerosolized, my strangegrief asthma an underlying condition , lucky nobody has gotten sick or died, my asthma a privilege around which I concentrate to inhale and exhale in a measured rythme of sad panic 

"My Venus is damaged, or in exile, that’s what you say of a Planet that can’t be found in the sign where it should be." Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of The Dead, Olga Tokarczuk

c'mere

 

pandemic scrapbooking

bath time

(always is bath time for everything)

coworker (I sleep with)

time is zoom ft. getting drunk w Sis

Z=MC(in squares)

in line for 99cent chicken

reorganizing endlessly

 

 I locked myself out. Well, Ears was in the attic but he can't hear from there. The doorbell then my pounding then my screaming. I was shoeless keyless cashless and about to pull off my dress and wrap it around my fist to punch through window glass when he finally opened the door. The neighbors turned off their yard lights when they heard me screaming, I noticed. I'm inside now listening to screaming, party screaming, students on the street. It was a mistake to move back to the city. A principled mistake but a mistake nonetheless. 

I've made a lot of principled mistakes. Ya know?

My grandmother died at a certain point in time. So she had to pick THEN. She chose for her deathbed earbuds "Move Like Jagger", Maroon 5. I still giggle. And am panged, missing her, when I hear it. 

https://youtu.be/kJQP7kiw5Fk

I am trying, on top of coping with the giant colossal failure of civil society entirely, to get transwoke. I am supposed to see a woman. I find that pretty easy to do. But that isn't right, that can't be right, cz in that case, I see WARNING SIGNS. If my baby YOUNGEST had been born with a vagina and were in all the same circumstances now, I would be FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. 

I often go to sleep comforting myself that maybe I just won't wake up. I made the mistake of saying that to Nebraska, who threatened to commit me. Ha,🖕 And see, that's what I mean, intimacy is a risk of violence, TJ knows that but thinks it's an aberration not base model equipment of every relationship. I.e. she is new to being a girl. That's dangerous as fuck. Being a woman but with a man's presumption of privileged safety, wow, that's on the scary side of every existential everything (from a mother's point of view). If she claims racial dysphoria next (which for the record I believe DOES exist), I might off myself. Or feel like doing so (without making the mistake of telling anyone that again).

 Late Capitalism is a Shit Show.

Money -Cardi B

And the list omg

I do not know what to do. So I DO 

I work harder, make more $, get shit done, save the space from foreclosure poachers...I do not know how to ACT other than Capricorn rising (stubborn workgoat).

But I FEEL like a Virgo. All mother all Lover all earth all the time. Ouchouchouchouch.

"ouch"

(Math update.)

What ought you to do if your daughter is in a controlling oppressive possibly abusive relationship w her boyfriend? First of all. Mid pandemic. 

And the boyfriend doesn't like your daughter's body. Wants things surgically changed, like sterilization surgery. 

And the daughter was raped previously, by someone that the boyfriend introduced. (Math: in 2019)

And of course, the daughter defends all this. 

She's just old enough to buy beer. (No wait, she is a year shy, so she lied again into the face of my working 100 hours a week exhaustion, and I bought it, but no

..)

 What would you do? WHAT SHOULD I DO?? 

too sick to pray

Get em - jade Josephine
Leikeli47- Money

This week has sucked harder than any week except, ya know, all the others since March. Wow. WOW. Among many many other things, the duplex is the object of a flat out hostile takeover predatory lending feeding frenzy. A new for sale sign goes up every other minute in that zip, and I know why, how the home owners insurance and mortgage brokers and city ordinance units collude to harass a home owner into oblivion. WOW. But it is weird brown on black crime that I don't understand, as in little crowds of Indian American people huddle and leer on the street, then I get yet another text from a stranger offering help in "unloading my property". My son in law refuses to DO ANYTHING, will not so much as mow the lawn, nothing. The pregnant daughter is obviously no help, unemployed and dependent on mr can't be bothered, and he (with an AUTO MECHANICS CERTIFICATION couldn't even fix the van that I BOUGHT THEM and for which MY ELDERLY MOTHER gave them TWO MONTHS of her social security $$ for parts) is riding his bike to work and they're stranded. I lost track of the grammar of that sentence cz I'm so pissed that I can't keep track of verbs. He goes to work and comes home and doesn't beat her, that's all that can be expected, period. 

The trans daughter (she was the gay son lecturing me about how I needed to affirm masculinity and was guilty of not doing that enough in early childhood 6 months ago, just to keep tabs) is living in the upper unit with ... well, does it even matter? They also don't mow the lawn, for which I'll get the citation, and they're 12 years old on average going through puberty endlessly. 

The upside to owning that duplex is none of who is living there is living HERE.

Poor Ears, middle child syndrome, he's merely sane and trying to graduate (so I can quit).

Summary: nobody living in that duplex understands or gives a shit what hell I am being put through to keep that building and in general. They cannot or will not care about anything but what they prefer to do TODAY even though TOMORROW (ie where do you plan to be living?) is lost that way. And it will not get better.

So, I will pay for a new deck. Pay for a new plumbing system. Pay the roofer AGAIN to certify the roof until 2023. Paid the lawyer to fend off the insurance fraud. Etc. For each of these items, I wept all over someone, some worker dude or insurance lady friend, I called in every marker I had/have. And my kids for whom I did all that are mostly OBLIVIOUS, they cannot (will not) fathom what it takes and takes and takes to own property and to work all these hours and support their asses.

And, of course, my INSANE fucking job. Work Life Balance = equal parts utterly shitty. WOOOOW, how shitty is campus life is its whole own saga of posts. 

COVID has reset the bar much much lower for life satisfaction. Are you alive? Y/N. 

If I were dying today, I would want my life back. But I also hate nearly every minute of it. 

And still..

-_-

 

University professor dies from coronavirus after collapsing during Zoom lesson

Inevitable. I wonder how long it will take for a teacher of a younger grade. A professor in a (stupid) hiflex class...

Gilbert Gottfried - WAP

I wish I knew how to put the Gottfried remix over this video (gigglegiggle)

Update: I honestly never actually listened to it until the Gottlieb reading (!)

Now bonus tracks:
Eric Johanson - Down to the Bottom high rec ft more to come
Kat Riggins - Storm
Whitey on the Moon - Gil Scott Heron
Leon Bridges - River
Killing Strangers - M Manson not usually my cup of tea but that IS what we are all doing these days, so

Bonus track - Grief

The news is not good. Campus / school openings, what a mess. Nebraska tested positive after teaching for 5 class days, he and his entire radius of humans there (100ish) exposed, and his campus HR says he can go back to teaching in 1 week without a re-test (!). No. Just no. "But I'll get in trouble."

-_-

I don't think I will see him again (or my mother thus) until next spring. If ever.

I got flagged to take a rapid test, booked it then was rerouted to the Canadian border for a nose rape instead (what if I didn't have a car?), took two of my kids as instructed (The Bubble), and we all tested negative.

my world is very small 

Thinking about dwellings. How much I am cleaving to mine through this. How much I do not want to own Hers, but I must (they can't). How I once went to Detroit to figure out a kitchen floor, which I can't remember how I did that, but I remember the yard. The fenced fuck off ed ness. I probably should have suggested urban bee keeping or some shit, but what did I know then? (Nothing.)

sunset ft catchers

to ground

chillin with Django

I have always made seating areas but never SAT. Taking stock: this year, I learned to sit a spell.