I am damn difficult. I watch myself bristle and not able to help it. I am TRYING TO HELP IT, but can't, I am a terrible liar, if I am hissing on the inside there is no way to quiet it. It can be heard through my skin. Every time I see him, he has to deal with it all over again. I just SNARLHISS. I do not want to be touched (much), definitely do not want to talk about how anything feels (!), don't want to even say "I'm glad to see you too."  yeayea, patpatpat

Was I always like this?

My inner dialog: are you oppressive and clingy? Or are you a perfectly nice guy who has the misfortune of being bewitched by my ass? You look like you're just sitting nearby breathing, nothing overtly oppressive about that. But for whatever reason, because I know you're thinking about me, I want to kill you. Even though you came 1000 miles to sit there and breathe harmlessly.

😠😠😠😠😠

He stopped a movie we were watching just to hug me, and I swear I nearly ripped his throat out with me teeth. I literally shudder growled, and he laughed. He laughs through it, just keeps it up. Like I am feral cat "rescued", who is not into rescuing at all, and he just keeps at it with human equivalents of cans of tuna. Stuff I like. Until I relent and I'm like FINE JESUS CHRIST FUCK GOD DAMN IT *JUST STOP WITH THE WORDS* AND YES INCLUDING WORDS YOU ARE ONLY THINKING GRRRRRRRRR.....

Trainwereck used to say that he spent 2 years sneaking up on me, like Elmer Fudd with a cardboard bush. I think he says that crap to everybody. But it worked. I felt like I could skip all the hissing and go straight to the penis magic because I bought that bullshit story. This poor bastard has to try to RELATE to me. And I hate that. I dunno how anyone ever did that :/

I feel smothered.

Ugh

post Malone- circles

Stevie Wonder - All is Fair in Love

I'm teaching a graphic medicine course with the chair of biology next semester. Students will make comic books about illnesses / biological malfunctions and she will be in charge of their scientifiic accuracy. So I am pulling texts out of storage and out drops a 'bookmark', like a joke I decided to tell my future self, "hey remember when you were traumatized by finding hotel room charges on bank statements? ha ha ha"

Yesterday, The Girl's cat broke its leg. Just the most recent of many child-related meltdowns lately. (My kids are killing me, that is also part if the This Time, my kids being all old enough to routinely fuck themselves over and then come crying to me.) I spent the evening in a vet ER. Turns out that's a very funny place to hang out. Dogs do the dumbest shit. My favorite was the beagle named Scout who ate mulch, weighed 5 pounds more than the day before, so 5 pounds of mulch. He was cute and friendly with an innocent look on his face. He reminded me of Trainwreck. That beagle is definitely going end up in an ER again, no doubt about it. Lol.

I just can't.

VIRGO: It's textbook basic this weekend — romance sparks between two people who like the same things.

Naps?

The Tragically Hip - Tired as Fuck

Grown children are a pain in the ass. No, halfgrown...no...

...all children are a pain in the ass.

No, wait ... PEOPLE are a royal pain in the ass.

Yea, that's it.

Amusing myself.

Gigglegiggle gigglegigglegiggle 

snow blink - don't stop til you get enuf

Some of these that I posted years ago don't exist anymore, not on YouTube or spotify, nowhere unless you have the original CD. It took me two days to find this, after hearing it again all skipped and scratched on a CD from under my car seat. Then I decided ok I'm going to download all the music off my blog, but my blog didn't work on a pc. I hadn't looked at it years so I didn't know a widget had hacked it. It works ok on my phone mostly, I am posting this from my 6 year old phone right now, so (shrug). I'm too busy to solve all this. But I should. I should rescue all that music...

1 swing
2 cellos - best in show
3 vocal
4 piano ft Lord Darth
5 basement trance
6 solid bar coverband
7 acoustic, love the PAUSEresume 3-3:33 - runner up (?)

'born under a Pisces moon'

dreamville - down bad
Full moon in Pisces tonight, Fri the 13th. Harvest.

Virgo weekend - With love and car keys, it's always the last place you look. If you haven't found it yet, then you just haven't looked in the last place yet. 

spine work (move to it)

So much happened today. I can't even. And who would listen? Better to just sweat.

VIRGO To have this love in your life, whatever form it takes (and sometimes you believe that form to be far from ideal) is a major gift that you'll feel very appreciative of today.

When you tell Bug that she has to be nice, she says "OKAYOKAYFINE, jeeezus".

Kids grow up. They start unfurling feelings, picking companions and futures. It is very cute. It's also hard not to wince knowing that it never gets any easier.

I am the fickle one. I do not care about what ails you (stop whining), especially if that thing is me (then get someone else), and unless I ask you to play me a song - don't. I know Nebraska is already pissing and moaning and pining internally, it'll break him, my Built of No will drive him up a wall then into somebody's pants. And I just can't feel anything but grrrrrrr about that fact. The best/most I can do is tell him the truth. If you text me 'thinking of you' one more fucking time, I am going to send a boob shot to someone else. Seriously. I have options. So: Shut. Up.

Love is a kick in the head.

play me a song?

I am having to break up with (another) friend. I am very sad about it.

passenger - let go

VIRGO Part of enjoying yourself is knowing that you can come and go as you wish. Freedom is integral to your good experience and the good experiences of others.


Us.

overnight...

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (Aug. 31). Good habits get created this solar year. It doesn't sound entirely glamorous, but it absolutely makes you more so. Self-directed people are always more attractive. The fun at the end of 2019 will include more money than you expected and an exciting way to invest it. A special and meaningful message starts in 2020. Libra and Leo adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 1, 13, 2, 17 and 31.

I am kind of obsessed with this song, listened to it 10x overnight, but as of this morning this is pick to orient my rudder.

watching

listening to

I am treating this year like trip. An intense backwoods ordeal. What do I need? Toilet paper, much prepared food, careful planning, a spending money budget, back up plans. All the help I can get (light fixture stilllll.. ). I busted my ass last week and ate nothing but hostess and calorie heavy beer. Talked to nobody except to manage children and staff. No co equals for venting support much cz men only work in my same channel and men, well, they're WORK in themselves. They snap at you or whine at you and are no refuge at all, especially if they want to have sex with you, or even worse ever have already, then to them you are just not even a person really. When my father said, to which my sister threw dinner at him recently, that women are just knot holes on a piece of wood, he was just being honest.

I went Sarah Connor on this shit.

VIRGO: You deserve all of these loads of love that will be heaped on you. 

(gross lol)

Campus opens today. My job is fucking killing me.

This helps.

Did rednecks kill your focks?

Nebraska and/in Wisconsin. Both won me over. Against the odds and over my best worst behavior to discourage love of me altogether.

I feel hateful regarding men and have always hated Wisconsin because both make, have made, me feel like shit. Just utter shit. Not hard math, you slap me down and I feel like shit. Unwanted ft Throttled. But what if neither made me feel like that anymore? Answer: I want a pontoon boat. So much so that I actually went to see this, walked the boatslip channel, went to the wading beach that I first swam at as a baby, planted a garden in my head on the double lot side where the clothesline waits on a tilt.

And the kids. All of them piled in on each other us alone together debriefing in the jeep that smelled like baby pee and cheese. Laughing. TJ says, "Your dad told us that women are just a bunch of orifices." A BUNCH?!, jeeesuz, how many is a BUNCH d'ya think? The baby says "jeezus!", and we all crack up.

VIRGO It's a strange thing to fully possess your world when you know it will not be the same tomorrow. To embrace the evanescent is foolish, desperate, impossible and the most beautiful way to live.

That is utterly true. And also very funny to read while sitting on the shitter in a 2 star motel in Toledo, all the kids bouncing off the walls at dawn wanting breakfast, on my way to WI, my crazy dad there waiting for me, a suitor waiting somewhere up there too, all the swirling needs and wants of me all around me behind and in front in space and time. 

 I feel overburdened and overly full of myself by turns, overtired and in need of a solid spanking by turns. "What are you doing?" I ignore it. I do a lot of ignoring. "You need a good spanking, ya know that?" Yes.

Kids growing up and away, freeing and berefting me.

At least two different ways at all times I feel about almost everything. Like this blog. On off on off, private semiprivate, over it. Then not over it some more.

I am going to WI. Talk about feeling at least two ways. Hate love and everything between about that place.

I had to take it for a work retreat this week - I think these are bullshit. And yet, INFJ-A = how could I NOT feel odd perpetually?