Faculty Council week.

Last text wawawaing at me was 9:54 last night. First one this morning was 4:12 a.m.

TJ at 6:20 a.m.: grunt
Me: grunt
TJ: I am so over high school
Me: I am so over college
TJ: the coffee is already cold..and what the hell are you doing?
Me: making dinner because I know by dinnertime I will be out of energy and if I eat one more slice of pizza I am going to beat somebody to death with a pizza
TJ: what time did you get up?
Me: 4:12, first complaint text came in
TJ: Faculty Council is like your job gets its period
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMGTOTALLY LOLOL if only some chocolate and wine would shut them all the fuck up
TJ: yea man, show them Seinfeld reruns and let em all cuddle shih tzus
Me: HAHAHAHAHA

The current Scorpio sun is conducive to doing things you might not think to do at other times of the year. There's a certain intensity that comes with this soulful passage and a mood that drives people to discovery. So how is the passionate energy of the next four weeks best applied? Consider adding one or two of these ideas to your list:

1. Uncover a family mystery.

2. Go deeper into certain aspects of a religion.

3. Think of the world as it was 100 years before you were born.

4. Dream about what the world will be like 100 years after you die.

5. Write an appreciative love letter to your mother.

6. Change your radio station to absorb a different kind of music than you've ever gotten into before.

7. Solve a crime.

8. Love someone you've known a long time in a new and deeper way. (ha hem)

9. Give up some aspect of media or technology you've become addicted to.

10. Consider different lifestyles and what it would be like to live them.

You don't have to make any changes. Just thinking about them might be enough to broaden your horizons.

LP-Switchblade

VIRGO You care. You try. Whether or not your efforts land as planned, your good intentions will shine through. You'll either get what you set out for or attract the kind of help you need to do it next time.

Good morning Bedhead. We have the day to ourself so ya don't need to brush that mop or bother w liptint etc. What ya wanna do? We could make love to ourself all morning except that we dared ourself not to. Why did we do that? A guy on the radio said it improved intimacy. With whom? Good question. Let's go to yoga, Paul is teaching today. That isn't going to help with the dare at all. Truth, he is so hot he can rock a manbun. And he likes the new tat, always admiring our bow pose. Snort.

Paul (at me during my bow pose): Looking good G.
Me: You're looking good too Paul (everyone in the studio incl him and his wife cracks up)

Okay that felt fantastic, I love to sweat! But. Right, but. The punchline to 'what is bigger than a breadbox?' Is not supposed to be 'my clitoris'. Right, and we are telling ourselves jokes like a lunatic so there's that. Let's go to the juice bar and read that new collection of feminist fairy tales. Yea, what could be less sexy than a spinach smoothie and feminism?! Nothing!!

In the beginning, I know I want him before he does. This isn’t how things are done, but this is how I am going to do them.

I see the muscles of his neck and upper back, how he fairly strains out of his button-down shirts, like a day laborer dressed up for a dance, and I run slick. 

I am a good girl. But he is a little craggy, in that way men sometimes are, and I want. He seems like he could want the same thing. I once heard a story about a girl who requested something so vile from her paramour that he told her family and they had her hauled her off to a sanatorium. I don’t know what deviant pleasure she asked for, though I desperately wish I did. What magical thing could you want so badly they take you away from the known world for wanting it? I have always wanted to choose my moment, and this is the moment I choose.

He is hard and hot and dry and smells like bread, and when he breaks me I scream and cling to him like I am lost at sea. His body locks onto mine and he is pushing, pushing, and before the end he pulls himself out and finishes. I am fascinated and aroused by the rhythm, the concrete sense of his need, the clarity of his release.

I shimmy off my pantyhose, and on my hands and knees offer myself up to him. I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them. I hear the metallic buckle of his pants and the shush as they fall to the ground, and I feel his half hardness against me. I beg him—“No teasing”—and he obliges. I moan and push back, and we rut in that clearing, groans of my pleasure and groans of his good fortune mingling and dissipating into the night. We are learning, he and I.

It is not normal that a girl teaches her boy, but I am only showing him what I want, what plays on the insides of my eyelids as I fall asleep. He comes to know the flicker of my expression as a desire passes through me, and I hold nothing back from him. When he tells me that he wants my mouth, the length of my throat, I teach myself not to gag and take all of him into me, moaning around the saltiness.

Bent over the kitchen table, something old is lit within me, and I remember the way we had desired before, how we had left love streaked on all of the surfaces, how he relished in my darkest spaces. I scream with ferocity, not caring if the neighbors hear, not caring if anyone looks through the window with its undrawn curtains... ~Her Body and Other Parties

What the hell kind of feminism is that? He does take her head off and kill her in the end. Is it worth it? Good question.

The Killers - The Man

Took the day off to go for my annual physical. I am a terrible patient. I never agree to tests, never take anything they give me, never finish it if I do take it, and never answer the questions straight.

Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: Define active.
Dr: haha I only mean do you have any pain associated with sex?
Me: psychological pain? yes.
Dr: haha
Me: My vagina is fine though, last I knew.
Dr: hahaha

I am in perfect health. Except for my personality.

"On June 2, 2015, my husband, Brooke, and I celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary. We chose to spend it in Yellowstone. We rose before dawn in the Lamar Valley not far from where wolves were reintroduced twenty years earlier. A silhouette of coyotes feasting on a bison carcass, surrounded by bald eagles and ravens, appeared in our binoculars. As the light grew stronger the coyotes became nervous and left. The eagles flew. The ravens vanished. A large gray wolf entered. Morning light illuminated the bison body, now more bones than flesh. We watched the wolf disappear into a red cavern of ribs. He emerged stained. In the several hours we watched, the wolf’s stomach expanded with each mouthful of bison ripped from the scaffolding of bones until he stopped eating, looked over his shoulder, sniffed, and walked back into the woods. At dusk, we returned to the Lamar Valley. We wondered whether the wolves might be back on the carcass. Instead, two coyotes were picking on bones covered by a buffalo robe. The coyotes disappeared into the shadows with the last light of day. An indigo sky deepened. A mile away, a herd of a hundred bison or more grazed unconcerned. Seven left and walked single file toward the remains of the mother bison. They circled her twice, sniffed her, nudged her body, and tightened their circle as they lowered their heads. They stayed with her until twilight. Then the bison left as they came, walking single file back toward the herd—save one lone bull who stayed behind." The Hour of Land, Terry Tempest Williams

I heard her last night at a distinguished speaker series. I cried.

it's scary

I heard that At an All Time Low song and this conversation on NPR within hours of each other. Like God heard me listening to that song and answered.

Dante. About autoeroticism (and porn, i.e. strangers, to make it work), there is serious truth in what he says. To get out of prison, you have to get over yourself and care for another.

This cracks me up ... 
.....hahahaha  

I dunno how anybody does this every month like the hardcore people do.  (Can you imagine?!)

As a game, well yeah. If you can purposefully withhold physical pleasure for a spell, then the rebound intensity of pleasure that you can bestow is mindblowing. Like shaking a champagne bottle before uncorking it. There are real upsides of having a lover who admires and rewards selfdiscipline.

But any exertion of selfcontrol for its own sake is a kick in the face.

I am having mixed feelings. On the one hand, why would anyone do this??!! But on the other hand, I DO admire selfcontrol. Displays of it are hot. To a point.

norah jones - broken little hearts

"tough customer"

Lovely the Band - Broken (oddly catchy)
Tightrope (acoustic) - LP

Weekend love horoscope: You will not be making love to yourself, which is hard in the short run but is a move in the right direction.

crazy bright moon 

Harvest moon tonight. Landing in October for the first time in a decade, it's a lucky one. It will be huge and bright especially at rise (around 630-8 pm est). Look up. Reap what you've sewn. Sit and think: what have I got (inventory)? Then take a risk with some piece of it, in the categories of love or commerce particularly (investments). It should feel a little scary, exposing, if it is a real risk. If you make an offering of risking something, you will be lucky in the next month.

Yesterday, offhandedly I said I would embark on a 30 day no fap challenge. It was that song, "you are the reason I'm alone and masturbate". I thought: my ex is not a reason for my puss anywhichway (god damn it). Since I had rubbed it out already, technically today is day one of the challenge. I cannot imagine how that could bring luck, but that is the point of self-imposed discipline. You can't know what you can get out of yourself until you leash yourself and find out.

Beyonce - If I Were a Boy (ft You Oughta Know) - sing loud in the car

Walk Off the Earth - All Time Low (cover)

LP - No Witness

presenting....Dame Wantdog

If the guy were black, entirely different coverage. If the guy were an immigrant, omg, entirely different coverage. As it is, the American public will have a quick drive-by unintelligent conversation about mental health as if the mentally ill are hostile rather than helplessly suffering, then we will jerk off first responders (who, for the record, are adrenalin junkies who can too easily disassociate from the suffering of others). Hrrrmph

Sunday morning cartoons

The past is a powerful place that takes up more and more space/time. But even though it takes up so much of the horizon, it is still somewhere that you can't go. (repost)

Memories - Chaos Chaos , the episode's premise is that you can tell real people from alien projections by the memories you have of them - mostly shitty memories are what you have if the people are real

Turtle magic, home is wherever you are.

VIRGO It is foolish to make decisions based solely on logic and intellect.Feelings have real-world effects that are often more impactful than any intellectual reality.

I feel like leaving. I feel like shutting the door and never coming out. I feel like going to the back of the closet with my hamster like I did when I was a child, and nobody can find me so even though I am trapped I am free, as free as I can get.

Wow I am tired. Too busy to stew. Almost. For a second yesterday, I micropouted that on top of everything I have to do this week, I also have to hug myself if I want one and make dinner every night. Then the next thing I had to do was attend the inaugural Mission Integration Medical Ethics Symposium, which was about the ethics of withdrawing care from newborn babies. Want to stop pouting fast?, see a slideshow about fubar babies.

Want to live in such a way that you get reminded daily that pouting is for pussies? Work at a Catholic college. If you need it, there is always some kind of work you can do that will remind you that the world is brimming with people who are suffering more than you ever have.

The Mercury-Saturn tension is still going strong. For some it causes an ache of desire. Desire isn't born out of loss. It's not a longing for what we lack. We all lack many things that we don't feel desire for. Desire isn't about lacking something; it's about wanting extra — a buildup of energy that magnetizes a particular focus. Fortune favors bold action.

Too tired. I feel worn to a nub and it's only Tuesday.

VIRGO You'll call a few key shots. It's because a lot seems to fall under your jurisdiction these days. You really aren't going out of your way to run things. This is a natural result of just being who you are.

Snort. Ya. My boss calls me Bosslady.

Faculty Council week. First of the new year of all new VPs. And the moved the whole thing to the big fancy pharmacy hall. They are going to start recording and live streaming it, God help me. Then the week ends with the Klienhans gig and the inaugural gala over the weekend. By Sunday, I am going to feel like I had a high colonic of professional grade white people.

Finefine. I will have zero time for existential crisis this week. Stay tuned for the rebound urge to run for it into the northern wilds. In the back of my mind, the camper from the Frazy Ford video is stuck...

There are some people you choose because they fit the situation. They work perfectly in the context in which you need them. Then there are those who are bigger than the context. You would choose them in a hundred contexts over a hundred lifetimes in a hundred worlds. Those are the people to focus on during this Mars and Neptune opposition.

Godspeed.

Frazy Ford - September Fields

Autumn equinox is when day and night are balanced in time, symbolizing the scales of justice. From here out, you reap whatever you have sewn for the year.  The harvest is what it is.

I have sweat a lot. Simple pleasures and solid Goods, that is where I put my energy this growing season. Sweating is one of my favorite simple pleasures. I swam until my sweat glistened on the surface of the water. I hiked for miles and returned to hotHOT yoga. When I am dripping sweaty wet and bright pink, muscles trembling, I feel like I could slap the snarky smile off the face of Fate. And afterwards, cooled and clean, it feels good to rest and feel Well.

But I like having some ass and tits too. When I walk around the house wearing nothing but Alive, I feel like this Canadian lady looks attitudewise. Jiggling my glitter. Frazey Ford - Done (I love her butt.)

So I bake bread. And smear my homemade jelly on it when it is still warm.

I like the woman things that I know how to do.

VIRGO  The circumstance of the day may have you feeling like a new adult, entering the workforce astounded at the drudgery of some jobs, wanting to be free like a child again.



What ways are there to figure a life out? People depend on me. What THEY need are the deciding factors. But now one of their needs is for me to decide things based on my own needs, alone.

That is harder than you would think.

And I don't have anyone to talk to about it, really. Because I have nobody around me with the same problem. Sunshine hisses at me, for instance, always between jobs and broke, trying to make money with Youtube videos about vudu dolls. That is a very different problem, obviously.

For a long while, I missed Trainwreck and was still sick with open wounds of betrayal. And I knew someone with that same problem. Now the person that Trainwreck was when he was with me has fluttered out. And my wounds have healed into hot pink scars that will presumably fade over time. I will become less unsightly on the inside, maybe even compelling like a cowgirl with the marks of hard adventures written on her.

My new problem is: This is it. Now what? And it is a rare problem on this planet. To be a woman with the privilege of that problem.

The Girl told me a story yesterday: On Facebook, a woman had run an experiment. She didn't get out of the way for men, like while walking in hallways or through doors. She got smacked into something like 40 times so far. I never get out of the out of the way, they move and I stomp by, it would have never crossed my mind to run that experiment. 

I have been this way, and here it has gotten me. I own the island of my life as far as a regular person possibly can. The only thing I can't have is a sane stable lover who could talk to me of all of life while I run fingertips over his skin (apparently). So. I look at what could be had, and think: Now what?

I dunno. Until I figure it out, I work on the committee that's trying to put a free health clinic on the west side (refugee central), etcetc. I fill my time and try to be helpful. But in my head, to be honest, I just have no real idea what to Do With Myself.