From TJ, as we discuss the latest brick wall we hit. The cottage is now, until it must be closed in Oct, where my eldest kid and son-in-law live with their kids because they are homeless. They've been homeless for years. When I owned the duplex, that's where they lived, and I paid for it. Then when I couldn't keep that up, they went to live with his mother, which unexpectedly and suddenly fell apart (insert DRAMA here, too tedious to even recount). So, once again they're on me. And I cannot afford more baggage. Best I can do is sacrifice my summer.
Weirdly and irrationally, I manage to give them that even though I cannot afford it physically or psychologically, because I've got this friend whom I am not fucking cz he's always on call - no, wait, I am not fucking him because FRIEND rightright - but still, we mind it less (we being the Royal We of my mother + me) because we're sort of keeping him company through a divorce lasting as long as Pitt-Jolie by being here where it's closer.
That makes so NO sense that I am not even gonna try. It just is.
All I KNOW is all my care providers agree that my priority has to be not-dying. Straight up. Every day weigh ins. Yesterday another panel read, pretty good, change to cocktail a bit, add 10 day Valium trial cz I want to ween off needing klonopin to sleep (I feel asleep but my heart is racing stuck on panic), I want to take as little of *anything* as possible, just smoke weed for the munchies assist. I am up 10 pounds. No xylophone between my tits. I could use another 5 (straight on to my ass preferably), but better.
As far as I understand my self, I think I got very and truly frightened that I had been broken too badly to heal. That my body had lost ITS will. That neither I nor anyone else could get through to it 😭. But he could. And slowly since, painfully slowly, very painfully slowly (patience, not one of my strong suits) my body is sticking a toe back into the waters of life. 105.6 pounds, going for 110. That might not seem like a big deal, but if you ever weighed 95 pounds, you'd know (FEEL) how close you are to Nothingness. I touched a cold black dark scary place, and I won't forget what that felt like, and that it's waiting if I fall. I have life problems to fix aplenty, but I CAN, and I WILL. Nothing is off limits as long as I don't lose heart 🩺
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| "song tbd" |
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| also makes almost no sense except nobody else swims across the whole lake (?) 🤷🏻♀️ - I mean, okay (?) 🤷🏻♀️ (Update, it was the pink bathing suit lmao) |
