My job is INSANE. As a vocation, it is impossible, first of all. Then add administration and assessment, layers of bullshit wrapped around it. All embedded in a society that is so broken in so many ways, it breaks its children, on and on. And my job is SO bad at the moment that  it is painfully clear that I love things that cannot be fixed, that cannot work, that are hopeless. And I take solace in my ability to hold fast beyond what anyone else would or could do for these losing battles (hubris).

Today, among professional and personal assaults, I closed the door and held it together barely. A friend coworker was in the room, watching me breathe/think my way back to calm. He was quiet. It took me a minute, then another.

Becalmed, discussing the part of my job that he is taking over at the end of the semester (thank God), joking around about how infuriating it is, he said he has a bad temper. I said I never lose my temper except when I do, which I hate (!). He said, "your temper is beautiful, like a volcano that is going to kill you, but it's so worth it to see up close" and teased me until I was laughing again.

Upshot: if you cannot imagine how it feels to be a teacher, an academic, betrayed personally, a child of aging parents, any of the things I am and struggle to be, if you are not able to imagine how I might *feel*, then