TJ: You look like you walked into a unicorn.
Me: (lol) But I did not.
TJ: Yeah but, you might have.
Me: No, I might not have.
I walked into a door like a moron. (I mime it.) Like, I walked this way and then
wap, into the side of a door typa deal.
TJ: Yeah but half your hippie friends think unicorns are
real.
Me: More like they believe in unicorn energy.
TJ: But wouldn’t it be kind to give them the story of a real
unicorn? Like, what else do they
have? It’s NIAGARA FALLS, c’mon.
Me: Jesus no, that’s not even funny, I walked into a damn
piece of wood. And if anybody needs anything
in this world it’s reality checking.
TJ: Are you sure about that?!
Me: Yes!! What are you even suggesting, seriously?
TJ: Ok, that gash on your head is like, it looks like a bindi
or whatever, like your third eye is poked out.
Did you ask The Witch about it?
Me: I didn’t ASK anything, but I told her, I accidentally carved
out my forehead.
…..
…..
Me: Shut up. Lol.
TJ: Fine fine, I think that’s all batshit, but if I DID
think there were unicorns magic energy or whatever, I might wonder why the fuck
you have your ‘third eye’ (which granted is NOT real) poked out like you’re fucking
Cyclops.
Me: lol ….. I SEEEEEEEE YOOUUUU MY SON
TJ: Stop! That’s freaking me out.
Hahahahahahah
Hahahahhahhahaha
Me: I could inspire a new superhero. No supervillain, that’s even better.
Ears: Oh by the way, did you know that the one you made up
by accident because you couldn’t remember Magneto’s name, Mephisto, that’s a
real supervillain!
Me: Nice! And that’s
got to be scarier than Magneto. I mean,
would you rather have to deal with super magnets or super fisting, am I right?
Ears: Totally.
Me: It’d be hard to beat that name with a carved out third eye.
Ears: Yeah. Like “Head-hole-o”?
Meh.
Me: Eat your hot dog
for Christ sake, you never eat anything anymore, I’ve drunk more of your malt
than you have.
Ears: You can have the rest of it.
Me: No, you drink it – you need the calories and any more of
it is only going to make me gassy.
TJ: O my god that reminds me, there’s this girl in my class
at school, and she’s hot, like cheerleader prom queen hot, but she’s going through
the girly vegan phase ya know where they can’t eat meat because of puppies or
whatever, so now she RIPS ASS all the time.
Like walking behind her in the hallway is a dare now.
Me: hahahahhahahhaaHAHAHaahahaa
TJ: Why do girls always have a stupid vegan phase?
Me: Not all of them.
TJ: Uh huh. It’s
either that, or “suicidal” which means they have to call all their friends for hours
every night and can’t do their homework, or “lesbian” which just means a short
haircut.
Me: That’s not all
the same thing!
Ears: Yeah dude, some girls are lesbians, and some people are
suicidal.
TJ: Ok fine, but nobody is a real vegan. I mean, that’s a cow’s diet, you’re supposed
to have like 8 fucking stomachs to eat grass all day or whatever they eat. Why the
hell would a girl have that as a phase?!
Me: Serious penis ambivalence.
TJ: Really?
Me: I’m guessing.
Ears: It’s not that big of a deal. They have regular food, it’s
just made out of vegetables. Like vegan
hot dogs are made out of…actually, what would be in a vegan hot dog?
TJ: Whatever it is, they should call them Frankenfarters.
Ears: Is the farting
bad enough to be a deal breaker? How hot
is she?
TJ: She is HOT, hothot, but yeah man, these farts are not
like normal ass rippage, they clear rooms, it’s a total deal breaker.
Ears: I dunno…I mean, from where I’m standing, any hot girl willing
to let me get anywhere near her can eat what the fuck ever and I’d probably
deal with it.
TJ: No no, you have no idea, like if Emma Watson was your
girlfriend and she turned vegan on you, pretty soon you’d be calling her
Frankenfarter behind her back and looking for a way out of the relationship.
Me: That can’t be just universally true, like all vegans
fart smelly.
TJ: IT’S A THING! Seriously, google it, vegan farting, it’s
a total thing.
Ears: Emma Watson even?!
TJ: Yeah, and ya know like how sometimes if you’ve been
ripping ass really bad and you take your pants off to take a shower, and it’s
like gas has built up in there, like even without tracks in your underwear it’s
still there, woven into the fabric of life.
Me: hahahahahhaahhAAHHahahah gross!
TJ: I’m just saying, that vegan fartage has got to be
contaminating the whole area. So yeah, even Emma Watson bro.
Me: Ya know, I just had a thought – perhaps the vegan phase
in hot girls is correlated to the karmic baggage of boys who tend to go for
girls based on hotness alone without reflection, and thus somewhere right now shallow
stupid men are getting a face full of ambivalent Frankenfarter even as we speak,
closing the karmic circle. (bittergigglegigglegigglegiggle)
Them: (nervousgiggle)
Ears: That just went somewhere dark.
Me: I love you
guys, ya know that?
Them: We love you too.
